I fell asleep listening to her voice.
When morning came, I could hear Sy tending to his plants, moving back and forth with baskets of harvested vegetables from the balcony. I stuck a hesitant foot out of the capsule, shivering at the change in temperature from the warm, stale air inside.
Sy’s face brightened when I joined him on the balcony. “You’re up,” he said. A lemon, its rind garish against the pallor of his skin and tunic, made me wince. I thought he’d be lost to me, spiralling deeper into Mae’s death, too far to find his way out. Instead, he looked at me, eyes set with determination.
“I’m hungry.”
“Good. There’s lots to eat. I thought I might take some vegetables to the market today, we have so much extra.” He caught himself too late. There was one less mouth to feed. The unintended cruelty of his words knocked the wind out of me.
And then, his eyes lighted on my finger. Still glowing with 125. “You went to the gymnasium?” he asked.
“It’s broken. Has been for days.”
“Broken,” he frowned, “Are you getting messages? Is the tracking working?”
I shook my head. I’d become invisible. Any other Citizen who didn’t show up at work or produce joules would have drawn the attention of the overseers. But my broken pulse point had allowed me the luxury of grieving for three days. As if on cue, a hammering at the door jolted me. I looked at Sy. “Overseers?” I whispered. I knew they’d come eventually and threaten me with punishment if I didn’t return to work.
“I’ll get it.” Sy straightened his tunic, handed me the lemon and went to the door. I heard muffled voices and then Lev appeared.
We stared at each other. Something about him was different, or maybe it was me. I had changed. Where was the usual spark I felt when I saw him? Losing Mae had turned me into a paler version of myself. I dug my nails into the lemon, the rind pressing uncomfortably against the flesh of my finger, the sharp, citrus odour filling the air.
Sy retreated to the kitchen. I turned my back to Lev and stared across the City, blinking back tears.
Lev moved behind me and a sudden need for comfort made me want to collapse against him. I took a shaky breath. Sadness swelled in my chest, stretching my ribs to the point of bursting.
But he stayed an arm’s length away. A confusing, unspeakable distance between us. “I saw you from the walkway,” he said apologetically. “I thought maybe you were ready to see me.” But I wasn’t. One look at my face and he knew that. “Kaia?” He asked, tenuous. “By the time I found out, she had already been taken.” His voice cracked with emotion. “I’m so sorry.” I expected him to reach out for me, even with Sy in the other room, but he stayed where he was. I turned to look at him. “Have you read our other messages?” A flash of guilt crossed his face.
“I haven’t checked.” But even if I tried, they wouldn’t be there.
“I’m sorry,” he said again, his eyes searching my face.
I didn’t like the way he looked at me. Apologetic and guilty. It made anger well up in me. I turned away again. “Everything’s changed,” I whispered.
“What do you mean?” He came to stand beside me and we both stared out over the City.
“Was it like this when Kellan died?”
His Adam’s apple bobbed when he swallowed. Lev wrinkled his brow, trying to remember. “I don’t know. I was only four.” His fingers grazed mine.
A sob escaped my lips, and in an instant, Lev pulled me to him, wrapping his arms around me. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “So sorry.” I wanted to melt there, let my bones liquefy and seep into him so I had the strength to go on. I couldn’t do it on my own. It hurt too much.
We didn’t hear anyone approach until a throat was cleared, a signal that we weren’t alone. Wiping my eyes, I turned. Sari stood in the dwelling, staring at us. I almost didn’t recognize her. She’d cut her hair. Short at the back but longer on top, it fell in a swoop across her forehead. A strange look crossed her face and Lev backed away from me.
“You said you’d send me a message if she was ready for visitors,” she said, an accusatory note in her voice.
“I just got here,” Lev mumbled.
A frown creased her forehead. She shot him a glance and turned to me. “Kaia, I’m sorry,” she said, but moved closer to Lev. They stood shoulder to shoulder, united in their concern for me. “I’ve been covering for you at the clinic, but the supervisors are starting to wonder.”
I nodded, grateful. I’d have to find my way back to normalcy soon. Like every other Citizen who resumed their daily life. But this can’t be like every other Citizen. Who else has ever hurt this much?
“We have lots to tell you.” It was her ‘we’ that didn’t sit right. A subtle intonation as she said the word, almost triumphant.
Lev shook his head at her. “Sari, I don’t think now—”
“Your hair,” I sighed. Sari’s hand went to the back of her head, stroking the curve of her skull.
“I had it cut yesterday. I’m still getting used to it.” But she held her head high. There was no shame in its length. She hadn’t been forced to shear it before she’d found a mate.
“Who is he?” I asked, relieved to have some good news to focus on. The two of them stared at me. The pause grew long and awkward. “What?” I asked. “Who is it?”
Finally, Lev cleared his throat. “Me. She matched with me.”
I saw the guilty flush rise up her neck. Her eyes skittered across my face.
I stared at Lev. He stepped away from Sari. “This isn’t how I wanted you to find out.”
“Matched?” I sputtered.
“It was out of our control,” Sari’s voice was shrill, pleading that I listen. “I couldn’t say no. When the matchmaker came, he said the Council had already approved it.”
I took a shaky breath and clung to the railing. Shock or days without eating made my knees weak. I sank to the balcony floor. Sari’s voice became like static. Her hand was on my shoulder. I swatted at her, twisting away from her touch.
“You should have waited to tell her,” Lev muttered angrily.
“I didn’t want her to find out from someone else,” she replied and turned back to me. “I promise, Kaia, I didn’t ask to match with him. The matchmaker practically commanded it. I had no choice.”
I knew how desperately Sari wanted status. A match with an overseer would elevate her profile in the City. But did it have to be with Lev?
She knew the feelings we had for each other. Couldn’t she have said no and spared me? Or was she so status-hungry that matching with Lev was worth risking our friendship?
And Lev. There were no excuses for what he’d done. He’d abandoned me when I needed him most.
I shut my eyes and sat there, unmoving. Mae had told me about statues. Stones that were carved to look like people. That was how I felt: cold, hard and frozen in time. Sari fluttered around me, still trying to explain, but I ignored her. “We should go,” Lev said to Sari. His words lingered in my mind. I wanted to go too. But where? There was no escape in the City. I was trapped.
As they backed away from the balcony, they promised to come back and check on me. “Send me a message if you need anything,” Sari said. I could hear the anguish in her voice, but she didn’t know how it felt. She’d never had feelings for anyone like I had for Lev. She’d never understand how deeply her betrayal had cut me.
But Lev did know and his muttered apologies turned my stomach.
I shut my eyes and receded into a deep, dark pit of grief.
Lev
I tried to block the image of Kaia on the balcony. I should have been honest and told her what had happened: that I’d bargained with Tar and lost.
That I’d failed.
I plodded along the walkway, lost in my thoughts, barely aware that Sari was beside me. “You’re right,” she finally admi
tted. “We shouldn’t have told her.” Her voice caught. “I knew it would be hard for her, but I thought the sooner she knew,” her voice trailed off.
“She’s still dealing with Mae’s balancing.”
“She must feel so alone,” Sari whispered and then stopped walking. “What have we done?” she moaned. Tears welled in her eyes.
I had no answer for her.
“It wasn’t just the matchmaker who came to me, you know. Tar was there too.”
Of course she was.
“I said no at first, but she refused to listen. She was determined that I match with you. She said she’d chosen me specially.” Sari looked at me as if I had answers for her. “I was worried about what would happen if I said no.”
I felt a stab of guilt on two fronts. Not only had I betrayed Kaia, but now Sari had been pulled into Tar’s plot.
“I was so excited to be matched,” Sari’s voice quivered and she swallowed back a sob.
Usually a celebration, Tar’s manipulations had ruined an event most Citizens looked forward to. “You don’t deserve this,” I told her.
A lock of blond hair fell over her face. She didn’t move it away, instead she blinked at me from underneath it. “I keep hoping that if Kaia gets used to the idea, she’ll see it’s not so bad. Her two best friends will be together. It’s kind of perfect in a way.”
“Maybe,” I sighed, but it would be a long time before I forgot the image of Kaia, huddled on the balcony, broken and abandoned.
A group of Citizens walked by, eyeing the two of us. Word about the match might have spread. Sari cleared her throat and brushed her hair into place. “Are you going back to the gymnasium?” she asked. My midday break was almost over.
“Yes.” We stood on the walkway, both of us suddenly awkward. Was she waiting for me to ask to see her later, or join her for an evening meal, as other couples would? I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
“I should get back to work too,” Sari sighed. “See you later then.”
I watched her go, the pang of guilt growing sharper. I’d never be the match Sari deserved when Kaia was the only one I thought about. Let Tar do her worst to me, I thought with fiery conviction. No punishment could be harsher than what I’d just done to Kaia.
My pace quickened with urgency as I made my way to the gymnasium. Had it really only been a few days ago that Kaia and I had sat under the tree after the energy-sharing rule had been revoked? It felt like years ago. Stopping in the middle of the walkway, I sent Kaia a message. I’ll be in the orchard. There are things I couldn’t say before. Things you need to know. Please come.
People moved past me as I waited for Kaia’s reply, but none came. It didn’t matter. I’d go to the orchard after my shift and wait for her all night if I had to. When she got there, I’d tell her the truth about what Tar had done. We’d make a plan and together, we’d fight for what we wanted.
Kaia
Thoughts of Mae, Sari and Lev made sleep impossible. After hiding in my capsule for so long, I needed space, room to breathe and think, so I made my way to the balcony. This late at night, the City was dark and silent except for the hum of the huge contraption that purified our air.
An overseer approached on the walkway below. I backed away from the railing and held my breath, waiting for a knock on the door. But none came and a few moments later, I saw her crossing a bridge to the other side of the City.
125 glowed under my skin, still undetected. I should confess. It was wrong to keep it a secret, I was stealing from the City.
A painful lump formed in my throat at what the City had stolen from me. Mae had been dragged away. And now Sari and Lev were matched. My fears were coming true. I would be left with no one.
I didn’t hear Sy approach. His voice startled me. “You should be sleeping.”
I shook my head and didn’t turn around. I could feel him hovering.
“Kaia,” he began, his words stilted, “She knew they were coming.” He moved closer, tentative. “She lived a good, long life.”
The more he struggled to talk to me, the more alone I felt. I wanted to know that she’d had a final message for me, that she’d forgiven me for not doing more to save her, for not being here to say goodbye.
“Balancing is a given. It will happen to all of us,” Sy said. “You have to move on.”
I pulled my gaze away from the City and turned to him. “You never did.” Hurt made the words sharper than I meant them to be.
He sighed. “It was different with Raina.” A dim light from inside our dwelling illuminated the sharp angles of his face.
“How?” I muttered. My whole life he’d been removed from me, darting into faraway recesses of his mind where I couldn’t reach him. But I’d always had Mae.
He took a deep breath and spoke before he exhaled. “Raina didn’t die, Kaia. She left.”
I looked at him with disbelief.
“She went to the Mountain.”
I gave a mirthless laugh at the preposterousness of what he was saying. “You’re making it up,” I shook my head at him, wondering why he’d try to trick me at a time like this.
“I wish I was.” He stared in the direction of the Mountain, but it wasn’t with the usual forlorn expression. Sy puckered his mouth, as if he was trying to regain control and put the memory in order. “I’ve been carrying this secret with me, waiting, wondering when to tell you. If I should tell you.” A pained look crossed his face. “You need to know the truth.”
“Which is what?”
“After you were born, we made the decision to leave. We didn’t want our lives shadowed by balancings and overseers.” He held up his finger, “Or to be ruled by this.” Forty-five glowed through his skin. Instinctively, I felt for the raised bump on my finger. Its beat remained still, like a dead thing under my skin.
“Raina was convinced that if we got to the Mountain, the Prims would help us. They weren’t what the City had led us to believe. We made a plan and left in the night. I carried you in my arms. This tiny, perfect package,” his voice softened.
He paused and I leaned in, addled by doubt. The story was incredible. Citizens didn’t leave the City. The dangers outside were too great: the storms, the scorching sun that could fry the skin off our bodies in minutes, Prims, the beasts that Mae had sworn existed. I eyed him suspiciously. “How were you going to get out?”
“Tunnels. The Scientists dug them when the City was being built. She knew the way, one of the secrets she’d learned in the underland.”
I frowned trying to make sense of the story
“Raina went into the tunnel first, I followed. But, I didn’t have her blind faith that we’d survive out there. I-I,” he stumbled, emotion choking his words. “At the last minute, I couldn’t do it.”
“You let her go on her own?”
Sy didn’t answer.
“You let her go outside? On her own?” I asked again, fury replacing the shock.
“We were supposed to protect you. How could we, out there?” he broke off, his voice trailing to nowhere. “What if something happened to us? What if you were left alone? In the end, I let her go. Told her to run, that she had a better chance of surviving if I stayed behind and covered for her. I promised her I’d follow with you.” He shook his head, sagging with the weight of the memory.
“But you never did.”
He shook his head.
Breath rattled through me. The way he stared at the Mountain, lost, he was staring after Raina, at the life they could have had. The life he’d let slip away from him. From me.
“Did Mae know?”
Sy gave a slow nod of his head.
My head pounded. Mae had known and kept it a secret from me.
Sy moved in close and grabbed my shoulders, forcing me to face him. His breath was hot in my face and his eyes bright. “We can find her, Kaia. Together.�
�
“Find her? After all these years?” I stared at him. Grief had addled his brain. His tenuous grip on reality had slipped from his fingers. I measured my words carefully. “She’s not still out there. No one could survive outside.”
He narrowed his eyes at me and tightened his grip on my shoulders. “That’s what they want us to believe.”
“What do you mean?”
“Raina thought, she was sure, that outside wasn’t as dangerous as the Council told us. They want us to be afraid so they can control us.”
“The City protects us—” I started, but even as I said the words, I knew they weren’t true. I’d said as much to Lev in the orchard.
“All these years, I made excuses to stay. First, you were too young, then I wanted to stay for Mae. But now,” he broke off. “It’s time, Kaia. We can go to her, find the life you were meant to have.” Sy gripped my shoulders. “Think about it, The Prims aren’t hammering on the dome, trying to get in. Not anymore.”
“They could all be dead,” I said, pushing his hands off my shoulders. “Did you think of that?”
Sy shook his head. “They were alive when Raina left.”
“How do you know all this?”
“I told you, Raina knew things.”
I tried a different tactic. “What about the garden? My work at the clinic? Lev? Sari?” Even as I said the words, I knew another Citizen would be reassigned to our jobs in a heartbeat. And Lev and Sari weren’t a reason to stay. They were a reason to leave.
“It’s time, Kaia. I’m all out of excuses. You know as well as I do what your future in the City will be.”
Could I do it? Leave? Risk my life on Sy’s promises?
“If we’re going to go, it has to be soon, before anyone discovers your broken pulse point.” Sy’s eyes were bright and excited. “What do you say?”
I looked out over the City. The sun was rising and a warm light filled the dome. There’d be no security out there. No dome to protect me from outside.
Pulse Point Page 5
