“Mouse’ll fook Chox in ‘is arse if ‘ee stands ‘tween me and de man me chieftain wants dead, ‘ear me?” Mouse warned Kharash, once more sane enough to respond to what was actually being said instead of whatever the voices in his head were whispering to him. “Ya sure?” Mouse asked some unseen entity in a nearby tree. “Donea look like a gnome tah Mouse.” On second thought, no, the man was still insane. “Mouse hates fooking gnomes and their fooking magics. Fook gnomes, those wee lil’ shites. Nevah trust a…” Mouse started laughing at something else and glanced at Kobb, grinning. “’Toy surprise.’” He chuckled to himself. “Mouse thinks you’re funny, old-timer. A sodded meat-bastard, aye, but funny.”
The Bearskin rolled his eyes, like all of this was a tremendous bother and embarrassment.
“So, since Cinderella is finally here,” The Bearskin’s sister began, “can we get on…”
“Sir Mouse?” The Queen of Ashes interrupted. “If she calls me that again, you are to break her fucking legs.”
“Aye.” Mouse stood straighter, obviously readying himself to spring into action should the need arise. “Mouse’ll hobble ‘er, right quick, aye.”
The other woman glanced at her brother, apparently believing that as her leader, it was The Bearskin’s responsibility to defend her.
“I saw him get into an argument with the fucking moon, one time.” The Bearskin explained, still calmly tossing playing cards into the helmet. “And once you see someone do something like that, it convinces you to stay out of their way from then on.” He looked up at his sister, his voice filled with mock regret. “You’re on your own, Bradley. Good luck.”
The woman rolled her eyes. “Gee, thanks.”
“Well, the profane grotesqueries of the motherfucking Hardmen notwithstanding, I feel like perhaps we should focus on the matter at hand.” Kharash announced, looking at the Coastal People. “You called this meeting. Why are we all here?”
Chapter Fourteen:
Godless Alchemy
“
Everyone looked at Tandy, waiting for the translation.
“He says: ‘I am a fucking idiot. Pity my stupidity and absurdly tiny genitals.’” She supplied. It was unprofessional… but it felt really good.
The Bearskin and Tzadok burst into laughter at once.
Kharash seemed to find it less funny. “If you cannot do your job, we will find a new translator.”
“In the Grizzwood?” The Bearskin scoffed. “Good luck. We let swords do the talking here.”
“Oh, fuck you, Kharash.” Tzadok snapped at the horseman at the same time. “You…”
Tandy waved him off before he killed one of the leaders who would be judging this matter. “I’m still within my skill set.” She tried to keep the contempt from her voice as she communicated the final part of Aix’s hour-long rambling diatribe against the Saltmen and their supposed history of abuse towards the poor innocent Coastal People. And oddly, how all of that was turning Wasteland women into lesbians, which was just… unexpected. Tandy assumed she was mistranslating that.
“Ah, so Kobb, The Thirty-Two Hundred is the root of our current misfortunes.” Ella, The Queen of Ashes, surmised. “I am not surprised by this revelation.” She started to flip through a book she brought with her to the meeting. “He is ever full of tricks and unbenevolent smiles.”
Tandy wasn’t sure if that was meant as sarcasm. It didn’t sound like it.
Mouse prowled forward towards Kobb, apparently interpreting his leader’s words as an open invitation to attack the man. “Ya ratfaced twat-monger of a shithouse! Yer sinister arse bae ballsin’ up Mouse’s life!” He snapped, pointing an angry finger at him. “Mouse ’ad ta come all da way tah the fookin’ swamp tah deal with yer fookin’ lies.” He spat on the ground in anger. “No! He ain’t a ‘hero’, he bae a goddamned horse thief, is what he bae! And can’t forget the fookin’ blueberries either!”
The Bearskin’s sister Bradley frowned at the scene. “Is he… actually talking to Kobb… or to someone else?”
“I don’t think it really matters, do you?” Ella asked, reaching for a writing quill. “Unless the horse and blueberries were yours, obviously.”
“They should be put to death for this.” Hawser decided, like he had the power and righteous duty to sentence them himself. “Their whole immoral clan! BURN THEM ALL!”
“It is a horrible thing that so many have to be killed, but a blessing that it is for such a noble cause.” Ella calmly turned the page of her book. “That really is the best part of this tragedy.”
Tzadok ignored that, remaining focused on Hawser. “So, Challenge.” He spread his arms out, inviting the man forward. “Don’t go running to ‘mother’ and ‘father’ to settle your battles like a weakling child, step up and be a man.”
Hawser started forward, but Aix quickly stopped him. “
“
Kharash let out a frustrated groan. “Stop killing people in the ceremonial meeting spot!” He demanded. “It’s just… it’s a mockery! What is going on with you people today!?!”
“Th
is is getting good.” Bradley decided, rubbing her hands together. “I’m glad I came.”
“’Toy surprise.’” Mouse chuckled to himself. “Mouse thinks you’re funny, old-timer. A sodded meat-bastard, aye, but funny.”
Tandy frowned. That sounded… familiar.
Mouse pointed to some spot to his left, like it was making a point to someone who was speaking to him. “Mouse donea ever been necromanced, Mouse get astray s’all.” He glanced at his chieftain. “But Mouse is sense and proper here, aye?”
“No.” Ella shook her head regretfully. “Still off.”
Mouse swore viciously, like that meant something.
“You think we’re afraid of some impotent old man!?!” Hawser challenged, ignoring the Hardmen’s conversation. “The Coastal People could destroy the entire Saltmen clan without effort!” He declared passionately. “We outnumber you twenty to one! We fear nothing!”
“Twenty frightened women against one merciless warrior.” Tzadok summarized. “Chox approves of such a slaughter.” He leaned in closer to Tandy. “Stay behind me, okay? I’m about to slay some fools.”
Tandy nodded, bracing herself for the carnage.
Ella heaved a tired sigh. “The mighty Coastal People have come to bring their wayward Saltmen brothers to heel. And the Hardmen get to bear witness.” The girl motioned with her hand, and Mouse immediately hurried over to hold the inkwell for her while she wrote something down in her book. “What joy is mine.”
“
“All of my hopes of future happiness depend entirely upon it, Aix.” The little girl continued writing in her book, her voice becoming distracted. “Continue, please, my delicate constitution can take no more of this thrilling suspense.”
Mouse chuckled at his queen’s dry tone. “…and aaaall da little fishes of the sea.”
Tandy frowned in confusion. Then again, perhaps he was laughing simply because he was a maniac.
“
“
Tandy translated that for the group at large.
“Probably the bed, I’m guessing.” The Bearskin decided, as if having given the matter thought. “If the Butcher hasn’t ended it there several times already with her.”
“The bedroom is just…” Ella began.
“Shhh…” Mouse quickly silenced his leader by putting his hand over her mouth, while he looked overhead suspiciously, his tone low and cautious, “the trees are listening…”
“Forgive me, I can’t talk about that.” The little girl told the assembly in her usual weak voice, pulling her knight’s huge hand away from her tiny face. “I’m told the trees are listening.”
“Does that means something else?” Tandy asked in curiosity, unfamiliar with Hardman slang. “I mean… is that a euphemism for something?”
“Yes. Eavesdropping foliage.” Ella looked up from her notebook, frowning slightly in a pitying way. “You’re rather slow, aren’t you, dear? It’s okay. You’re with the Saltlings. No one will notice.”
“” Aix continued, apparently forgetting that he’d already given the summation to his case and should by all sense, be sitting down and shutting up. “ He shook his head. <”But the Saltmen don’t believe in that. They believe in envy and theft. They want to change everything which made us great. They don’t believe in my beautiful dream at all, because they hate you.>” He gestured to the assembly. <”They hate this council and its freedom. They want to see us all enslaved to them! They hate the fact that someone else would dare try to succeed while they continue to fail. They hate my dream because they’re too stupid and too selfish to understand it. They hate it because my dream is…>”
“
Mouse had somehow made his way to the other side of the central fire and was now standing creepily close to Aix, his face inches from the other man’s. “Dreams don’t exist anymore, rabbit.” He assured him, somehow making the non sequitur sound like a terrifying threat. “Mouse killed’em.”
Aix took a step away, surprised that the man was so close. <“I just want to ensure the survival of my people and…”>
“People don’t exist anymore, rabbit.” Mouse closed the distance between them again, tilting his head to the side like a bird or puzzled dog. He reached up to slowly run his index finger down the bridge of the man’s nose… which was somehow the absolute creepiest thing Tandy had ever seen. “Mouse killed’em.”
Aix seemed too shocked and disturbed to even pull away. He stood there, transfixed in grim uncertain horror, like a child being stared down by a wild starving animal.
Personally, Tandy was just surprised that Mouse seemed to understand the Coastal dialect.
Mouse leaned closer to Aix, softening his voice. “Shhh… I can’t hear you over the SCREAMING!!!” He bellowed the last word directly into Aix’s ear, causing the other man to stumble away in surprise, cursing.
“Sir Mouse, if you please,” Ella motioned with her hand, “I’m trying to hear this too and your contributions are beginning to monopolize the conversation. Please allow the other representatives an opportunity to exhibit.” She put a finger to her lips. “Shhh.”
The back of the girl’s hand was covered with angry red burn scars, no doubt from the inferno she somehow survived as a baby. She caught Tandy looking at the marks and immediately hid her hand from view, either from embarrassment at the disfigurement or because she didn’t want to show evidence of weakness in front of anyone. Or maybe she was just… shy?
Tandy couldn’t figure her out. And since she needed to get the little girl on her side, that was an issue.
“Aye.” Mouse hurried back to his leader. “Mouse fights Ellie’s fights and obeys, is what ‘ee does, tell ya what. Fight and fall and fall silent. She say ‘quiet,’ then quiet is what he bae. Full-on silent as a fookin’ corpse ‘cause he don’t spake outta turn, truth. Nevah fookin’ once.” He gestured to the assembly, oddly including parts of the completely empty tree-line in the motion, as if referencing invisible people. “All these creepy bastards knows it too, don’t cha, ya creepy bastards? Eh? Aye, you do, course ya do. No tellin’ any other way, no tellin’.” He raised his voice to a loud shout. “MOUSE EVER BAE QUIET!!!” Then he suddenly started crying for some reason, covering his face with his hands.
“The central problem you people aren’t understanding,” Hawser decided to add, “is that…”
“Not to sound un-empathetic… but fuck your problems.” The Bearskin interrupted. “I could give two shits what it is you want from your pitiful life, Hawser. You’re a dickless little ass who worships a foreign snake-god. I only care that your life is now interfering with mine. I had to come all the way out here to hear your complaining, when I have real problems to deal with at home. So sack the fuck up and move on, little boy. Give the rest of us a fucking break.”
“Aye,” Mouse nodded in agreement, his crying suddenly stopping in the blink of an eye, “if the world was perfect, then why would we bae needin’ the gods, eh?” He pointed at Kharash. “So stops with yer ‘oh, unfairest of worlds’ whiney bullshite, rabbit.”
“Me?” Kharash blinked at him in surprise, then pointed at Hawser. “Umm… he was the one who said…”
Mouse ignored that, continuing to talk like the man hadn’t spoken. “Mouse don’t vex ‘bout things ‘cause things donea go
vexin’ one bit o’ bother ‘bout Mouse. So fook things. Fook things ‘till they crack in half.” He paused for a moment, looking serious. “Wanna have somethin’ real to vex ‘bout? Eh? Ya wanna?” He lowered his voice to a conspiratorial whisper. “Mouse worries ‘bout noses.” He nodded. “Da fook they ‘bout, eh? Hangin’ offa faces like lil’ ticks. Listenin’ to every fookin’ word ya say! No one asked ‘em tah bae there! Ya bite‘em off and they just grow back! They’re… they’re…” He was distracted by something in the forest, whirling his head to the left as if finishing off another sentence already in progress. “…I will pave hell with the gravestones of your fucking loved ones if you touch her.” He braced his feet for a looming fight and bellowed into the darkness like it was an enemy bearing down on him and he faced it alone. “I WILL EAT YOUR FUCKING CHILDREN!!!”
“Uh-huh.” Ella turned the page in her book, still calmly writing. “What did we just talk about, Sir Mouse?”
Mouse ignored her, continuing to scream nonsense at the trees and random people.
“Huh? What did we talk about?” Ella made a soft little “whoo-hoo” sound to get his attention. “Do you remember?”
“Aye, ‘pologies, Mouse bae quiet.” The crazy teenager slunk back to the little girl’s side again. “Startin’ now, Chieftain. Truth. Right now, not then no more. Back on the sense and proper.” He nodded in certainty. “Mouse bae Mouse, as in ‘quiet as a.’” He turned to his right, talking to no one. ”How can this bae ‘book two’ when ya haven’t finished ‘book one’ yet?” His voice lowered dangerously. “Aye. Mouse has kill’t kings and heroes. Twenty to a bundle. …And now he bae here fer you.” His tone became normal again. ”Why is…” He stopped, then looked vaguely confused and scared. “No… no, that’s not right.” He looked at his leader apologetically. Sorrysorrysorry… am still astray again. ‘Was.’ Not ‘am.’ But certainly ‘will be,’ because ‘am,’ but not… not… Mouse is sorry, please donea bae mad. Please… Please, Chieftain, donea bae mad at Mouse.”
Captive of a Fairytale Barbarian Page 29
