The man took on a deranged expression as he gazed at Aix, his voice far away. “He has wheels for eyes.” Mouse tilted his head to the side at an odd angle which was not at all comforting. Sometimes the man moved like a marionette rather than a person. “Always turning…”
“An evocative image.” Ella complemented, obviously barely paying attention. “But I think…”
“Don’t you think I’m trying!?!” Mouse cut her off, screaming. “HUH!?! Do you think Mouse wants to be anywhere but here!?! Like he wanna bae astray at some stupid meetin’ five years ago!?! Not even I’m that crazy! Can’t ‘xactly help it, now can I!?! This whole…” He turned to the left, not missing a beat. “What? Are you takin’ the piss!?! Mouse ain’t gonna hurt yer bunny, old-timer. Why would…” He fell to his knees, sounding alone and terrified, screaming in a sobbing voice. “I DON’T KNOW HOOOOOOW!!!” He looked up, his voice completely back to normal. “Salted pork, s’pose. What you havin’?”
The assembly was quiet for a beat.
“Sometimes I secretly hope that man is perfectly sane and has just been fucking with us all this time.” Bradley decided. “I would laugh so hard. I truly would.”
“Your grip on that monster is slipping, child.” Kharash warned Ella. “We see it, even if you don’t. His mind is going. You and your godmother should have let him be. Nothing good can come from…”
“My paladin is fine, I assure you.” The child cut him off in irritation. “Thank you for your concern.” Her words implied more confidence than her tone suggested.
“I declared (weird word) first!” Hawser insisted, ignoring the nonsense.
Bradley rolled her eyes. “Oh, who even cares about that anymore?” She pointed at Mouse. “I’m more interested in that freak-show than listening to your loser snake-worshipping ass.”
“I Claimed!” Hawser announced again, as if that somehow proved the woman wrong. “That means, no matter what, she is MINE. Even if Tzadok decided after that that he wanted her, she STILL would be mine because I declared first!”
“I don’t need to declare (weird word).” Tzadok informed him. “It simply is. Prizes need to be declared, but (weird word) is beyond the need to even express it. Because there is no choice. Our (weird word) was carved into our very bodies on the day Chox crafted us.”
“Technically, that’s true, I suppose.” Kharash agreed.
“It doesn’t matter when I realize it or who I tell. I know it. I feel it. I’ll fight for it.” Tzadok put his hand on her shoulder. “She is my (weird word). Which means you’ll have to Challenge to take her.”
“Aw, how sweet. A completely generic love story.” Ella dipped her quill into the ink and continued writing in her book. “What a nice distraction from the inevitability of death.”
“Have we ever had a Right of the Meanest dispute over a (weird word) before?” Kharash wondered aloud.
“You can’t Challenge for (weird word), you asshole.” Bradley snapped. “It’d be the same as stealing someone’s soul.”
“Mouse ‘as stolen many souls.” Mouse informed them. “They’re delicious.”
“I’m weary of arguing. Why not settle this by simply buying the girl?” Kharash offered. “The Coastal People can afford it. Seems a tragedy to toss aside our bonds of fellowship over this. Much better for the Saltmen to name their price and turn one of the girls over.”
“You wish me to take mere gold for my (weird word)?” Kobb sounded theatrically horrified. “For a belly full of laughter? The taste of her smiles?” He shook his head. “No. A man’s soul has no price. The woman belongs to me and I would not part with her for all the gold in Baseland.”
“I have never before heard of anyone trying to buy a (weird word).” Bradley agreed. “I am disgusted by the mere idea and the fool who gave it voice should feel shame.”
“’Buyin’ Keeper-ah-Hearts’.” Mouse repeated, sounding deeply disgusted by Kharash’s suggestion. “You unstoppable cunt.”
Keeper of Heart.
The Hardman used a different form of the term, which was much easier to translate than the original Wastelandi. All in all, he might be insane, but Mouse was really helping with her understanding of the language.
It made sense though, once you broke down this new form of the phrase. Someone else, in possession of your heart, who determines all of your actions for you. An extension of self, in another.
Huh.
“No, I agree that the only acceptable method for determining who the girl belongs to is by Challenge.” Kobb insisted.
“
Kobb took on a profound tone. “If that be Chox’s holy will.”
Ella looked up at the heavens, apparently feeling her own pain. “This is what I deal with, Sean.” She confided to her delusional knight, apparently expecting him to understand. “Every day. Do you see?” She gestured to the assembly. “Do you see why I’m unsocial and not naturally gregarious?” She gestured to the notebook in her small hand. “Do you see why I can never get any real work done?”
“Aye.” Her knight nodded. “Mouse sees. Mouse sees all. He bae already standin’ in yesterday and still sittin’ on the shore of tomorrow.” He frowned down at his small leader. “Do… do people say that?”
“No.” The little girl shook her head, breaking some hard but mysterious truth. “But that’s okay. I understand your meaning. Don’t worry.”
“I have made my Claim and I disregard all others.” Tzadok announced. “If any man takes issue with that, let him Challenge. I consider this matter settled.”
“It is NOT settled! You are false and your Claim is forfeit!” Hawser cried in indignant rage. “You’ve been corrupted by the Brightlighters! You have brought their lies back to our lands! Chox weeps blood over your disgrace!”
“If you’re so sure about what Chox wants, why don’t you Challenge and prove it.” Tzadok shot back. “I’m the strongest, which means I’m Lord of Salt. I take what I want, and if you want to stop me, Challenge. Or just kill yourself and spare me the trouble.”
The Coastal People and the Saltmen continued to argue the powers inherent in The Lord of Salt title, along with other nonsense, for the next hour, despite the fact that there was no way they were ever going to agree.
They were simply going around in circles. From a debate standpoint, it was a nightmare. This was what happened when you allowed a barbarian hoard with no experience in parliamentary procedure, to make decisions.
As a professional, Tandy was deeply embarrassed to be associated with this meeting. Pure amateur hour.
Okay, the meeting was technically about Tandy, but she was really disappointed in how little order there actually was to it. Honestly, she had expected there to be a bit of formality and decorum.
No one appreciated civility anymore. Not even savage killers.
Tandy heaved a tired sigh.
As the Saltman and the Coastal People traded insults and threats, Tandy sat on the ground and watched the Hardmen. There was something about them that was bothering her, but she couldn’t put her finger on what.
She frowned slightly, focusing on their leader.
Ella’s arms were drawn up against her body protectively as she wrote, as if just having a conversation made her deeply uncomfortable. Tandy was fairly good at reading body language, and Ella didn’t seem like a “people” person. At all. She could pretend to be in control, but she was… skittish. Secretive. Insular.
Tandy hadn’t been expecting that, but she instantly identified with her. Not in the sense that Tandy was also bent on world conquest using her own personal army of lunatic mad-dog killers, just that Tandy wasn’t always comfortable in her own skin either.
Tandy was at this meeting as a slave and Ella was here as a queen, but deep down, they probably weren’t that different.
Tandy didn’t want to be here, she just wanted to…
The realization hit her like lightning from above. Tzadok had placed her in ch
arge of convincing the Hardmen to side with them… and now Tandy knew how.
She tapped Tzadok on the shoulder. “I know what to do.” She informed him.
A gruesome and vulgar threat towards Aix died on his lips and he turned to look at her. “Huh?”
“Get Aix to talk to Ella.” Tandy told him proudly. “Whatever it takes. Get him to talk to her.”
Tzadok’s brow furrowed in utter confusion. “About what?”
“It doesn’t matter.” She shook her head. “Just make him insist on it.”
“Why?”
Tandy grinned. “We’re about to get the Hardmen on our side.”
“I know better than to question your ideas.” He shrugged. “If this ends with a complete lunatic flipping his shit at the Coastal People, there might be something to be said for your peculiar brand of ‘diplomacy’ after all.”
“That’s… that’s still not ‘diplomacy,’ Tzadok.” She shook her head. “Perhaps there is a translational issue or something, because I am genuinely beginning to question whether anyone in The Wasteland even understands what the word actually means.”
He winked at her and turned to the group. “…And the Hardmen agree with me in this matter.” Tzadok told the Coastal People, his voice fully confident despite the outright lie. “As such, I see no reason to even continue with this farce. The decision is made. My uncle and I are leaving. Goodbye and go shit down your own throats.”
Tandy translated that.
“
Rather than reply however, the little girl continued to write in her notebook rapidly, her tongue between her lips in intense concentration over something. By Tandy’s count, she’d hadn’t even been listening to the “debate” for the last forty minutes.
Mouse casually held out her inkwell for her, standing beside her and alternating between looking around at the other people to make sure they weren’t plotting an attack, and trying to read over the girl’s shoulder. “How fare the Voi?” He whispered to her, like it was something deeply important.
Ella waved off his question distractedly. “Shh… not yet…”
Mouse nodded, looking apologetic and lowering the inkwell so that she had easier access to it.
The girl paused in her writing, pursing her lips. “Sean?” She whispered. “What’s the word I’m thinking of… like… someone who consistently refuses to act…”
“Coward?” Mouse helpfully suggested. “Loafer?”
“No…” Ella made a frustrated face and waved her small hand by her temple. “I swear, I have such issues today…”
Mouse’s face suddenly contorted and he started screaming at the child, his tone one of absolute bone-chilling rage. “MOUSE WILL SEE YOU RAPED BY DOOOOGS!!!”
The little girl didn’t appear at all surprised or insulted by the horrible threat or the deafening volume in which it was delivered. She nonchalantly shook her head. “No, that’s not it either.”
The child genuinely didn’t seem aware that Mouse was at all odd or insane, or if she did realize it, she simply didn’t care. It was bizarre.
Mouse trembled in rage and insanity for another moment, then refocused on her, his voice becoming entirely calm and soft again. “Malingerer?”
“Thaaaat’s it.” Ella resumed scribbling in her notebook. “Thank you, Sean.”
“Aye.” He was silent for a beat. “Who that bae ‘bout? Chancellor Sweeney? That there bae an intransigent malingerer if Mouse ever saws one. He bae a disgrace tah the island and ‘is office, Mouse’ll tell ya what.” He glanced down at her notebook. “He gonna die soon, right? Mouse donea wanna see ‘im cock things up fer…”
Ella held a finger to her lips in a gentle shushing motion, still focused on her notebook. ”Shhh…”
Mouse nodded apologetically. “Aye.” He refocused on the meeting and spotting potential threats, still muttering under his breath. “Fookin’ Sweeney…”
Aix didn’t like the fact that his question was being ignored and was eager to prove that Tzadok was lying. “
The clearing fell into silence.
Mouse waited for his queen to respond to that in some way, but the girl didn’t look up from her writing. When no official reply seemed forthcoming, Mouse turned to stare at the other man for a moment, obviously trying to decide how best to answer. Tandy could almost see whatever was left of the man’s savage mind spinning rapidly as it tried valiantly to understand what was said.
“Go Fook yerself.” Mouse finally declared simply, like that was the only logical response any spokesman could have made. He tilted his head to the side again, the angle awkward and strangely unnerving for some reason. “Mouse ain’t ever been ‘xactly shit-scared of ya, lil’ fuck-pig, now am I?”
“This is a meeting,” Kharash reminded them, “which means that we are supposed to…”
“Oh, bullocks. ‘Meetin’.’” Mouse rolled his eyes contemptuously, cutting the man off. “What for we gotta have ah meetin’, eh? We all bae knowin’ already that Aix bae ah no-good gobshite, eh. No long-wordin’ ‘quired to figure that bafflin’ mystery out, now is there? Ain’t one that bin plaguin’ all ah mankinds, not hardly.” He turned to look at the man. “Come off it, ya fecker, don’t ya bae pretendin’ it t’aint true. There bae no needs tae go bae puttin’ on airs or bae actin’ like you bae anythin’ more than you bae.” He gestured to the Coastal People. “Wee little cock-whistles, all of ya. Soft as the mist, dumb as the piss. Fact ah life, meetin’ over. ‘Cause this…”
Ella held up her hand and the man’s unrequested critique of the Coastal People stopped instantly.
“Aye.” Mouse nodded in acknowledgement of the silent order. “Mouse obeys and kills and dies for Chieftain.”
The Queen of Ashes heaved a dramatic sigh and looked at her knight as he stepped back into place beside her. “Countless botherments, Sean. That’s all life is, to be sure. A mosquito buzzing in your ear,” she shook the notebook in her hand, “distracting you from what really matters.”
“Told ‘im, Mouse did.” Mouse declared passionately, both commiserating and explaining his failure. “Tried tah keep ‘im quiet, but like pissin’ intah ah waterfall it was.” The man glared at Aix in righteous fury, eager to punish whatever unpardonable sin he thought Aix had committed by speaking. “Always bangin’ fook-all ‘bout Coastie nonsense. Want Mouse should swat ‘im? That’d stop ‘is buzzin’ right quick, swear. Serve ‘im right too, if askin’ Mouse. Ellie says it and Mouse does it. For next… say… three million minutes, ah? ‘For that, she say ‘blood,’” he slammed one of his fists into the other, “Mouse’ll make skies rain red.”
The child considered that. “No, that would just be more of a hassle, I’m afraid.” Ella snapped her notebook closed, obviously irritated with everyone now. She leveled a contemptuous glare at Aix, still talking to her paladin. “This man seems like he will be dissatisfied until he has spoken each and every word of his language aloud, and has now set his mind to do just that.”
Mouse nodded in agreement. “Rabbits squeal, but they still end up in the pot.”
Ella nodded in appreciation of that morbid and gloomy thought. “Perhaps there is no better summation of life in this world, Sean.”
Mouse looked confused. “Which?”
“” Aix explained. “”
“I understand perfectly what is going on, thank you.” The Queen of Ashes cut him off, not bothering to wait for Tandy’s translation of his words. “The Wasteland has a complicated system of personal honor. Hawser feels humiliated by the Salt
men because they have taken a woman he believes belongs to him. If he does not get her back, he loses face and will be seen as weak. You cannot have that, because you secretly fear that you are weak. On the other hand, the Saltmen would feel humiliated if they didn’t take the woman, after boasting so loudly that they could. If they compromised with their Coastal brothers or returned their stolen brides, they would be seen as weak. Given their already tenuous hold on the lordship of this land and their reduced population, they cannot have further setbacks. It would prompt a revolt and ruin them.” The girl put her hands in her lap, primly. “So whether or not either party actually wants this woman is immaterial. Their honor demands that they must fight to the death over her, all the same. That is how things work in The Wasteland.” She paused for a beat. “That is why you are stupid.”
“I can assure you, my only interest in Tandrea is because she’s the Keeper of My Heart.” Tzadok told the girl honestly. “I need her. Do you understand? Your vote here is going to determine whether this ends with me getting the thing I want most in this world, or with me slaying all of you and getting her anyway.” He shook his head. “I ask no permission to have what’s mine. I do not kneel. I take.”
Tandy winced. “Please don’t threaten the people making the decision before they’ve made the decision.” She advised. “They don’t like it.”
Ella considered Tzadok’s words. “So, what you’re saying is that I need to do what you say or you will attack me.” She pursed her lips in thought and turned to her knight. “Sir Mouse? Comments?”
The man smiled his disturbing smile at Tzadok, already anticipating the battle. Then he staggered to the side unexpectedly. “Mouse just… just… just…” He shuttered violently, almost convulsing, leaning over to rest his hands on his knees for support. He turned his head to the right, taking on a softer tone as he addressed some unseen entity. “Let me… let me just lay my head on your lap until the monster comes, then wake me. I… I just need to rest first.” He started crying like he was exhausted and at his emotional limit, his voice cracking. “Mouse is so tired…" He admitted in a sob before collapsing to his knees, then he toppled over onto the ground. “…so… tired…” He passed out.
Captive of a Fairytale Barbarian Page 31
