He wanted to be back on the salt of The Great Nothing. He wanted his prize safe and protected in his village. And he wanted a thousand Saltmen warriors around to make certain that no Coastal People attacked them again. And then he wanted to slay each and every Wastelander who had so much as ever seen the fucking coast!
But in order to do that, they had to travel for at least another week.
Tandrea, in her infinite wisdom and endless insanity, had decided that their downtime should be taken up by practicing meditation.
“Remind me again why we’re doing this?” He asked her for the hundredth time. His hope was that if he asked her enough, sooner or later, her explanation would make sense. Thus far, no such thing had occurred.
“Your overt frustration and misplaced anger towards everyone in the world is quite sexy, but it doesn’t help you in your leadership role.” She waved her hands in the air, as if directing the soothing energies he was assured would soon be flowing through him. “If your goal is to truly govern, I think you need to control your temper.”
“I can control my temper just fine.” He reminded her. “Except when people anger me and I am forced to kill them.”
“Exactly.” She nodded her head. “That’s exactly what I’m talking about. That rage is the root of your self-esteem issue.”
“I have a self-esteem issue?”
“Obviously.” She bobbed her head again. “Thus, Kobb has volunteered to teach us some calming meditation techniques.”
“I did?” Even Kobb sounded amazed by that. “That’s… not really how I remember it, Tandy. I remember you specifically ordering me to…”
“Well, however it came about, it’ll be good for Tzadok.” She firmed her beautiful mouth into a determined line. “Stress is eating him up.”
“I am not stressed.” Tzadok assured her.
“Yes, you are.” She patted his arm again. “But we’re working on it, don’t worry.”
“I just want to crush my enemies. I am anxious that there is such a delay in beginning the slaughter. Their tainted blood should already be lapping around my ankles in crimson waves of pitiless revenge, but the salt remains dry. Every second they yet breathe is an eternity of failure on my head.”
“All of that is stress related.” She assured him, her tone one of complete confidence. “We’re working on it, don’t worry.”
He let out a long breath, trying to follow his prize’s instructions. Not that he really believed in this horseshit, just because he wanted to make her happy.
He still felt like a colossal dog-fuck sitting on the ground like this though. Children sat on the ground. Those too weak to stand on their own. But Tzadok was Lord of Salt. He didn’t kneel for anyone. Ever.
But whatever. He could deal with sitting if Tandrea wanted him to. There were worse things. And it was rather relaxing to…
“Kobb? Not working.” The dark-haired woman announced, shattering Tzadok’s peaceful moment. “Kobb?” She repeated in Wastelandi so terrible it made Tzadok’s head hurt, like a tiny demon was inside his skull scratching on the bone with razor-sharp claws. “Kobb? Kobb, think meditation broken.”
“Meditation cannot ‘break.’” His uncle assured her. “It is about finding inner peace and tranquility.”
The woman was silent for a beat. “How long will that take?”
“Until your mind clears and the physical world falls away.”
“Ah.” She looked around the area randomly, as if checking for signs of that happening. “What do until then?”
“My urge to kill is rising,” Tzadok got to his feet, “so I’m just going to go over there.” He pointed to his right. “This meditation session is simply making me angrier.”
“The lesson isn’t over.” Tandrea protested. “We haven’t figured out how to relieve your general hostility towards the world.”
“I will relieve my hostility by getting back to The Great Nothing and slaying my enemies. When I am drinking from their shattered skulls and the screams of their women are filling my ears as my men have their way with them, then I will relax.” He reached down to help her to her feet. “This is just annoying me more.”
“You’re not even giving it a chance.” She shook her head reproachfully. “I really think you should give it a try. It’s very…” She paused. “Wait… what was that part about the Coastal People’s women again?”
“Never mind.” He shook his head. “We will discuss that later.” He started stalking towards the fire at the center of camp. “Right now, I think we really need to focus on the matter at hand.”
“There’s nothing more important than your emotional well-being.” She followed him, picking her way across the rocks. “You need to take better care of yourself.”
“Uh-huh.”
“I’m serious. You know I’m right.”
“I’m fine.”
Kobb rose to his feet to follow them, then looked down at the other woman. “Please continue your meditation, Violet. I will return momentarily.”
“Uh-huh.” The dark-haired woman nodded in disinterest, apparently still trying vainly to meditate. “Hurry. Kobb miss all excitement.”
Tzadok frowned at his uncle as the man walked by. “’Violet’?” He repeated.
Kobb tossed another log onto the fire. “What about her?”
“Did you name her that?”
“No.”
“Her actual name is ‘Violet’?” Tzadok’s eyebrows soared. “How do you know?”
“Violet?” Kobb called casually.
The girl turned around. “What? Distracting Violet from world falling away. Almost there.”
Kobb smiled at the horrible woman. “I am just proving a point to my nephew, Violet. Thank you.” He turned back to look at Tzadok. “I know because I asked her.”
“Tandrea asks her all the time and she always refuses.”
“And curses.” His prize added. “Her vocabulary is… colorful. In either language.”
“You’d be amazed at what can be accomplished if you’re simply nice to people.” Kobb started towards one of the ramshackle huts they were using as temporary shelters. “Tandy and I have been working with her during my recovery. She’s actually making remarkable progress with the language. Pronouns, not so much. And her tenses aren’t the best. But in a week or two, I think she’ll be able to have entire conversations in Wastelandi without any problem.”
“Oh, hurray.” Tzadok rolled his eyes. “Everyone wonders what monsters have to say about the horrors they commit.”
Tandrea sat down next to him at the fire. “Do you know what your problem is?”
“Everyone I know is touched in the head.” He answered immediately. “And there is an army of traitors trying to steal you away from me. And I am too forgiving with people, I need to hold them brutally accountable for the maddening irritation they cause me.”
“No.” She shook her head, causing her hair to sway and shine in the firelight. “You don’t relax. Ever.”
“Because everyone I know is insane and there is an army of traitors trying to steal you away from me.” He repeated. “I feel there is a pretty clear connection there.”
“I think your problems predate that though.”
“I have a lot of problems, it seems.”
“I have never known anyone in my life who has more problems than you.”
“Thanks, Tandrea. That makes me feel good.” He held out his hands helplessly. “Aren’t you supposed to be trying to make me feel better? Isn’t that your project’s new goal?”
“This is tough love.” She decided. “I feel like our continuing research into sexual attraction in The Wasteland would be incomplete without also acknowledging the fact that you have many issues which are making said attraction more difficult.”
“Like, say, the fact that everyone I know is a lunatic and there is an army of traitors trying to steal you away from me.” He turned to look at her. “I really feel like that needs to be recorded somewhere in your sex book.”
“It’s not a sex book.” She sounded insulted. “I don’t know why everyone keeps calling it that!”
“Maybe because all you seem to write in it are things related to sex?”
“It is a legitimate research study!” She opened the sex book in question and pointed at a random page. “This is hard data which I’ll need when I write my paper!”
“Your paper on the sex we could be having, if you weren’t busy researching your paper on sex.” He finished for her.
“That’s it.” She pulled out her pencil. “That’s going in the book.”
He rolled his eyes.
“’River Valley: Day Seven. Tzadok continues to be difficult. Sexual frustration? Or just being a jerk. Unsure. Refuses all attempts at help, too proud to show weakness.” She turned the page. “Current attraction levels to him… dropping. Down to ‘Seven.’”
“’Seven’!?!” That took him by surprise and cut like the blade of a red-hot dagger thrust into his gullet. “It was ‘Eight’ this morning!”
“You weren’t being so difficult this morning.” She snapped the book closed. “See how that works?”
“So what you’re saying is that I have to cooperate with your study if I want to stay in your good graces?” He made an astonished sound. “What kind of Keeper of Heart does that!?!”
“The kind who is trying to do research, but her subject is being a jerk about it.”
“Difficult!?!” He gasped. “I spent an hour this morning detailing the dream about you I had, because you said you needed to know!”
“It was very interesting.” She bobbed her head. “Although, obviously, I can’t really sleep with you in that way.”
“Why not?” He was genuinely interested in the answer to that, since his whole world was wound up in the answer.
“It goes against the rules.” She reminded him. “The rules of the camp. Not sleeping with you was one of the biggies. Perhaps second only to ‘don’t touch cave spiders.’”
He had long ago stopped trying to argue with her about what was and what wasn’t a rule of life in The Wasteland. He’d spent untold hours patiently trying to explain that the “don’t fuck men” prohibition obviously didn’t apply to him. No rules applied to The Lord of Salt. He towered over them, the way a giant towered over an ant.
“I understand that you think you need to follow the rules of my village…” He began.
“Absolutely.” She agreed a little too quickly, obviously trying to convince herself.
“…but we aren’t in my village now.” He met her eyes. “Are we?”
She didn’t reply to that, so he kept right on staring, remembering what every inch of her gorgeous body looked like without clothes.
She swallowed. “We’re… we’re still…”
“The rules of the village don’t apply if we aren’t in the village.” He summarized. “Which means…” He slid closer to her on the rock. “…you and I could…”
Her breathing grew faster, her entire body growing still and tense. At first, he had thought that meant she was afraid of him. But weeks in her company had shown him that it meant that she was afraid of her desire for him. Which Tzadok took as a good sign.
Desire was good. Especially when it was her desiring him.
“It’s just…” She breathed. “It’s just not a good idea.”
“You know it’s a good idea.” He placed his hand over hers. “If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be this scared.”
“I’m… terrified.” She agreed.
“I know.” He nodded his head, trying to sound comforting, but even he could hear the desire in his voice.
Dammit, he wanted that woman. Every second of every day. It had become the main constant of his life. He woke up wanting her and he went to bed at night wishing she was beside him.
He took her face in his hand. “I’m not going to hurt you.”
“That’s not why I’m afraid.” She breathed, closing her eyes as he touched her cheek.
“I know it’s not.” He smoothed a strand of hair from her face. “But what you’re feeling is nothing to be scared of…”
“Kinda feels like it is.”
“Do you think that I’m not equally overwhelmed by this?” He kissed her temple. “That I don’t look at you and think to myself… ‘My god…’”
“I think…” She cleared her throat. “I think you are in a better position than I am, both because you have a support structure in place and because, obviously, you don’t have to look at yourself every day.” She met his eyes, her face flushed. “I am completely alone. In a strange land. With a scary man. Who is fucking gorgeous.”
He leaned closer to her. “I love it when you curse.”
“I know you do…” She leaned forward to kiss him. “…but I’m still not sleeping with you tonight.”
He pulled her closer, her perfect green lips parting under his. Her kiss tasted so good… so soft and welcoming. Everything about her was soft and welcoming. She was everything that had always been missing from The Wasteland. Missing from his life. She was gentle and beautiful and clever and… so delicate. And every time he saw her, he felt more alive and more at peace than he ever had before.
He broke the kiss, then pressed his lips to her forehead. “You don’t have to sleep with me tonight. I am not pressuring you.” He gently pulled on one green curl so that her hair bounced for him. “But, just so you know… I am absolutely ready to continue that avenue of your research.” He met her eyes again, not bothering to hide his lust. “Very ready.”
“Good to know.” She swallowed. “I think… Umm… I think we could… you know… maybe… maybe schedule something?” She started to fidget, wringing her hands together nervously.
“You want to schedule our lovemaking?” He repeated, just to make sure he’d understood her.
“Maybe.” She agreed weakly. “It might help with…”
Tzadok was never one to let an opening pass him by, especially when it was something he so desperately needed in his life. “How about tomorrow?” He asked immediately. “Tomorrow would be really good for me. You?”
“I… I…” She started. “I… don’t think tomorrow…”
“The day after then.” He nodded, as if that settled the matter. “Excellent. I feel like your research will be greatly helped by this experiment, Tandrea. I plan on making it a highlight, in fact.”
Oddly, having a plan seemed to make her happier. Like it gave her an excuse to do what she wanted to do. “Thursday.” She repeated, once again sounding sure of herself. She opened up her book and scribbled down a notation. “I think I can pencil us in Thursday, yes.” She straightened. “You’re back up to ‘Nine’ by the way.”
He shouldn’t have been nearly as pleased by that news as he was. “Who needs meditation?” He asked rhetorically, putting his arm around his Heart and pulling her closer. “I get my emotional satisfaction from your science. May Chox smile on the civilized people who invented it.” He kissed the top of her head as she snuggled closer to him on the rock. “And we are going to science the shit out of Thursday.”
“It’s a very exciting research opportunity.”
“It is.” He agreed. “It really is.”
Behind them, Kobb reappeared from his cabin and walked back over to where his dark-haired monster was still trying to “meditate.”
His uncle stared at the woman, who had evidently donned a discarded battle helmet, which had been left among the debris in the abandoned camp. The oversized armor covered half of her face, the horns sticking up at odd angles.
Kobb frowned at her as she absently bobbed her head in a contended way, looking out over the horizon. “Are you… eating?” He asked in puzzlement.
“What?” The woman shrugged, defending herself. “Enlightenment boring.” She waved the bag of food, looking up at him through the eyeholes of the iron helmet. “Snacks aren’t.”
Kobb pointed at the bag which was clutched in her hand. “Are those my seeds?”
<
br /> The girl stopped chewing. “Umm…”
“You’re eating my seeds?” Kobb asked again in disbelief, apparently surprised that she could do something so thoughtless.
“Food here sucks!” The girl shot back in broken Wastelandi. “These good!”
Kobb opened his mouth to reply to that, but apparently couldn’t think of an answer. He glanced back at Tzadok in a “Can you believe this?” kind of way.
Tzadok shrugged. “Don’t look at me. I wanted to slay her weeks ago.”
Kobb rolled his eyes and sat down on the ground next to the nightmare. He absently reached into the bag of seeds and took out a few. “Don’t eat the blue ones.” He informed the girl casually, popping the other seeds into his mouth. “Those are poisonous.”
“Let her eat them!” Tzadok suggested. “What’s the problem?”
Tandrea swatted at his arm. “Oh, hush.” She rested her head against his chest. “You have an appointment to keep on Thursday, and if you’re being a jerk, I’ll have to break it.”
“Nope.” He kissed the top of her head again. “It’s in the notebook now. That’s the same as being in the final paper, which means it’s a done deal. Once it’s in that book, it’s one of the Sacred Tenets of the Religion of Science.”
Tzadok leaned back against the rock, watching the fire as the Keeper of His Heart gently fell asleep against his chest.
It was possibly the most relaxed and contented he’d ever been in his entire life.
All in all… this whole “meditation” thing had its moments, once you understood how it worked.
Chapter Eighteen:
The List of Possible Greens
The next morning, Tandy was sitting on one of the boulders which dotted the small village area, debating with herself what color ink to use when recording her observations about their love-making.
Granted, that wouldn’t be until tomorrow, but it never hurt to have a plan in place. She wanted to be able to write down her findings when they were still fresh in her mind, which meant that she needed to make these kinds of important decisions now.
Captive of a Fairytale Barbarian Page 36
