If you’re wondering, Aoibheann is pronounced “Eve-een” or “A-veen,” depending. Why is it pronounced that way? Because… I have no idea. Ask the Irish.
Just to remind everyone, by the way, this series isn’t meant to be serious. Sometimes people complain about anachronisms, which confuses me, since the books aren’t based on any time period or people. They are not historical fiction; they’re just fairytale type stories. As such, their world is as elastic as it needs to be to allow for the plot and characters. Tandy can use contemporary words for her studies (because I find it funnier if she’s using the actual technical terms for things rather than whatever their medieval equivalent would be) and Ryle can say “dude.” People have modern ideas about cleanliness and hygiene, because otherwise, yuck. They generally use modern US terms for measuring distance/weight/height/alcohol/etc, because I’m certainly not going to waste my time creating a new system and expecting you to understand it. Honestly, I don’t think anyone cares about stuff like that. If one of you *does* care though, feel free to design your own systems and then email them to me. I can make it canon for you. But other than that, the books just go along doing their own thing. Could they be more realistic and gritty? Sure. But I don’t write that.
I think more than any book I’ve ever written, the characters in this one are each in their own little world. If you asked them individually, they’d give you a *drastically* different version of what was going on and what kind of book they’re even in. They’re all insane in entirely different ways, each thinking that the *others* are the crazy ones. It’s odd, but I find them entertaining.
Incidentally, yes, this book has a *lot* of odd overly dramatic metaphors and WAY over-the-top adjectives. This is absolutely deliberate, since that’s all part of the swords-and-sorcery genre. I read a lot of Howard’s Conan books and watched a lot of barbarian films specifically to get the bombastic style right. Did I really need to do that? Probably not. If you noticed at all, it was almost certainly in an eye-rolling “What the hell is that?” kind of way. But I appreciate authenticity when doing even a loose homage to another genre, so I went with it anyway, despite its silliness. I think if you want to write a book about barbarians fighting wizards and giant snakes, even if that’s just a background for your romance, the ridiculously dramatized text is required. It’s part of the world-building, and without it, you’d end up with something other than a classic swords-and-sorcery adventure fantasy story. But that’s just my opinion. I know it annoys my sister Cassie, but whatever. Screaming “…your shrieking hellish agony!” is simply cooler and more barbarian-y than saying “…it’ll hurt a lot!” I don’t care what Cassie says, I think it’s awesome. So there.
And what does a swords-and-sorcery book have to do with the fairytale setting of my book series? I have no idea. It just seemed to fit the general tone of the world I was trying to create. Besides, readers asked for a Tzadok book and Tzadok is a barbarian warlord, so I couldn’t exactly stick him into a Princess and the Pea plotline. …And as I write that down, I’m instantly thinking of a dozen different ways I could have done that very thing. Huh… But then I wouldn’t have gotten a snake god and a virgin sacrifice though, so I guess it worked out in the end.
All in all, the book took about a year to write, which is a *really* long time for me (although I wrote other projects on and off during that time). That’s including one weekend I spent alone, where I drank so much caffeine that I started hallucinating and spent 6 straight hours singing Roger Miller’s King of the Road at the top of my lungs, while pacing back and forth through my living room over and over. Which was odd. I’m not going to lie. Caffeine and I have a troubled relationship. Like Sid and Nancy. Seriously. But I ended up writing four chapters that weekend, so whatever. It worked out. I’ll trade productivity for sanity, any day.
If you enjoyed this book, please leave a review on Amazon or anywhere else you feel like. The more reviews our books get, the more books we sell. The more books we sell, the more money we make, which means the more time we’ll have to write, rather than working depressing joyless jobs. So, if you want more books, faster, leave reviews.
Please feel free to email me if you have any questions or comments about the book, series, characters, life in general, or just feel like chatting about other Star Turtle books: [email protected]. I actually do answer all of my email, so while I can’t guarantee my answer will make any sense, you will receive one. The same email can also be used to sign up for our mailing list, for news about our upcoming books.
Thanks for reading! Hopefully I’ll see you again next time!
Sneak Peek!
As a special bonus, I present the first chapters from The Mad Scientist’s Guide to Dating, which adapts 3 different classic novels into the superhero-romance world of my Consortium of Chaos book series. These chapters are from the Jane Eyre section of the anthology.
The Mad Scientist’s Guide to Dating
There was no possibility of flying that day.
And Jane was glad.
Nothing was worse than looking out the window of Horizons Academy and seeing clear sunny skies. Light just made the place all the more oppressive. It drove home the point that the world was out there, while she was stuck in here.
In her cage.
Jane Gateshead could fly. She could soar through the clouds if she chose and never come down. But the choice wasn't hers. It was never hers, because that wasn’t allowed. Instead, she was a prisoner here. Not in the traditional sense, of course. The inmates at this facility had done nothing wrong and were allegedly here to learn.
But it was a prison all the same.
The Horizon Academy was one of the primary places aspiring boys and girls went to learn the super-hero trade. It wasn’t the kind of place you went if your parents were Capes though. If you belonged to that kind of lineage, your parents took you under their wing and you learned the ropes in the field. You were a legacy and were instantly respected by the community. No, Horizons Academy was the kind of place you went if you were the first in your family to have powers. Without graduating, no one would give you the time of day in the field. You’d have no hope of achieving anything or working with any of the recognized groups.
This was where you went to be instructed in the finer points of everything from rescuing people from runaway trains to dealing with the press. Or at least that’s what it had said on the brochures her parents had been given. Of course, truth be told, the pamphlet could have said that the Academy was run by Druids dedicated to cutting out the still beating hearts of innocent little girls, and her parents probably would have sent her here anyway. They had no idea what to do with Jane, and had given up even trying to deal with her. The thought of having a super-powered child… scared them. She scared them and so they sent her to the only place that would take her off their hands.
In actuality, the Academy seemed little more than a storehouse of children with nowhere else to go, all with bizarre powers and who no one wanted. As such, they were ripe for abuse and indoctrination by their instructors, who seemed to enjoy taking their frustrations over their own failed hero careers out on the children.
This place was a nightmare.
For a long time, Jane had cried herself to sleep at night over that. She tried to run away and return to the parents who had given her away. Convince them to take her back. Cried and begged and pleaded with them to love her.
But not anymore.
Her childhood illusions about the world and the feelings she used to dream her parents still harbored for her were done. Jane had grown up in this place; a child of its system. She had dedicated herself to following its many rules and excelling in her studies. She had the best marks in all academic fields and perfect scores in all field exercises.
The best way to beat them, was to join them. Show them that she could be better than they ever dreamed she could be.
Better than they could ever be themselves.
Jane was a prisoner, but on her d
ay of release, she would walk out of here with whatever little knowledge this place had to give her. For ten years it had tried its best to break her, but Jane was not someone who could be broken any more. It was too late now.
Jane Gateshead could fly.
And soon, Jane Gateshead would be free of her cage.
One way or the other.
She stared out the window at the carefully maintained grounds, trying to imagine that the grass wasn’t as lifeless and gray as it had always seemed. Everything looked bad from inside this place.
Even the sky.
“…Are you listening to me, Gateshead?”
Jane stood up straighter at attention. “Yes, ma’am.” She immediately answered. “I am, ma’am.”
“Very good.” Mrs. Lowood looked down at her ledger. “As I understand it, you have asked to be placed with a team this semester, is that correct?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“So anxious to leave us?”
“I just want to do my part, ma’am.”
“Yes, of course you do.” Mrs. Lowood’s voice dripped with passive aggressive malice.
The woman had never liked Jane. Jane wasn’t entirely sure why, but she never had. It took a special kind of person to loath an eight year old, but that was precisely the kind of administrator the Academy wanted, apparently. And so, for ten years, Jane had had to listen to the woman’s cruelty.
Mrs. Lowood pulled out a new folder. “As it turns out, you’re in luck.” She tapped the folder. “There’s been an unexpected opening on the Freedom Squad, and I think you’ll fit in there nicely.”
Jane’s eyebrows soared. She hadn’t been expecting that. The Freedom Squad was the gold standard in Caping. They were the heroes that the other heroes looked up to. The ones who responded to the major earthshattering emergencies and who protected the entire globe from destruction.
It was the dream team in this industry.
She tried to contain her surprise and excitement. “To even be considered for membership there is an honor, ma’am.” She stood straighter. “I will make the Academy proud.”
Mrs. Lowood snorted dismissively. “You’re not being considered for membership, you spoiled little brat. You aren’t even through with your training yet. This position is strictly as a sidekick.”
“…I see.” Jane firmed her jaw and tried not to let the humiliation show. Luckily, life had prepared her well for dealing with the feeling. “And who will I be assisting?”
“The Honey Badger.”
Jane paled. Her circle of friends was limited and she had no access to the outside world, but people still talked, and even she knew about that man. Stories about him passed amongst the students here like wildfire. His sidekicks had the life expectancy of Kenny on South Park. They lived short, eventful lives.
And then there were the other rumors about him.
His last teen sidekick hanged himself and no one here needed to be told why. Jane had met the boy once; he was a nice kid. He didn’t deserve that.
She swallowed, trying to remain stoic. “As I understand it, all ‘Polecats’ are boys, ma’am.”
“I’ve spoken with him and told him of your many fine attributes, and we both agree that there’s no reason why the newest sidekick to continue the proud Polecat tradition can’t be a girl.”
And there was no doubt in her mind what that meant.
Jane hadn’t taken all those classes on heroism to be turned into anyone’s whore. Especially not some crazed sadist who got off on hurting anything smaller than himself.
Sending her off to be that man’s sidekick was a death sentence. And they both knew it.
“But I’m not a girl.” Jane tried, trying to escape this nightmare. “I turned eighteen last month. I’m a woman and far too old to be his sidekick. I’ve had the necessary training and I’m old enough to be a full-fledged Cape now, and I would prefer to wait until such a position becomes available. Please thank Honey Badger for his kindness, but…”
“You cannot be a super-hero.” Mrs. Lowood snapped. “Yes, you’re of age now, but you still lack the qualifications and abilities. You must be a sidekick. And there are sidekicks with decades in the business who have been waiting for their chance to break out on their own, so I highly doubt that you will find any team willing to take you.” The woman looked her up and down. “You’re not exactly Cape material, girl.”
The woman had never approved of Jane’s appearance either. In Mrs. Lowood’s mind, all heroines should be 5’11” sex-bombs, with curvaceous bodies and tight uniforms which left nothing to the imagination of horny teenage boys. She believed that heroines should look as good on magazine covers as they did saving the day. In fact, if anything, they should be more about appearance than effectiveness as a Cape, because she thought the men on the team would be the ones actually doing the work.
Jane wouldn’t have fit that bill, even if she did believe in it. She was of below average height, a stockier build, was not at all gorgeous, and usually wore her dull brown hair in a simple ponytail. Her uniform was utilitarian and was much more about protection than showing off what little curves Jane possessed. The compartments of her utility belt were filled with first aid kits and functional devices, rather than makeup kits and hair gel.
Thus, Mrs. Lowood always went out of her way to give the prettier girls a leg up in all school events, exercises, and programs. They got extra time on tests and one-on-one mentoring in all field exercises.
But Jane beat them anyway.
“Fine.” Jane held her hands behind her back, fingernails digging into her palms in an effort to control both her temper and the urge to cry in frustrated rage. “Then I’ll be a sidekick.” She literally had to stay silent for a moment to keep the anger from her voice. “Just so long as it’s not with The Honey Badger.”
“You’ll go where I put you.” The woman closed the folder. “You are an excellent student, but I’m afraid your vanity will keep you from getting far in this world. Strutting around like you think you’re better than the rest of us.” The woman casually dismissed Jane’s entire existence with the flip of a hand. “Always so anxious to boast about your powers and show up everyone else.”
“That’s not true.”
“And you’re a contrarian.” Mrs. Lowood snapped. “Disrespectful little whelp. It’s dangerous to have a sidekick go around using her powers this way and that. What kind of world would that be, if the sidekicks could act in any way that they wanted, with no thought given to how it affects their hero? How their selfish and irresponsible use of superpowers made others feel?” The woman shook her head in disgust. “Even after all these years, you never did learn your place, did you?” She leaned closer. “I’ve always seen something in your character, girl. You can try to hide it under a Cape all you want, but we both know that your soul is evil. Villainy is inside you, and you are its willing servant and agent. A sower of discontent among the other students and a black mark on the otherwise pristine record of this school.” She started ticking points off on her fingers, as if counting Jane’s many sins. “Ambitious, prideful, and cruel. You have a selfish heart and always will.” The woman poked her in the chest to drive the point home, and Jane stood motionless, long accustomed to the practice. And worse. “What is the number one rule of being a good sidekick, Jane?”
“Don’t show up your Cape.” Jane repeated robotically.
“Very good.” The woman nodded. “It is your responsibility to stand in the background and assist the real hero when he needs you.” She met Jane’s eyes, making sure she understood an important point. “Assist him however he needs.”
“Or she.” Jane added.
For some reason, the woman was always under the impression that heroines were really only good for looking pretty, flirting with the heroes, and doing magazine spreads in revealing swimwear.
The woman’s eyes narrowed. “Are you getting smart with me?”
“No, ma’am.”
“Good.” The woman began to pace
back and forth in front of her. “A sidekick is like an obedient child; seen but not heard. Always at hand but never in the way. Attentive to her master’s call, but always humble and unwilling to take any attention away from her benefactor. She attends to his needs. She follows his orders with respect and humility. She serves him and him alone.”
“Or her.”
“You are getting smart with me!” The woman declared in triumphant fury. She poked her in the chest again, hard enough to leave the latest in a long series of similar bruises which had consistently marred Jane’s body for as long as she could remember. “Our precious little Jane, always so smug and insolent. Strutting around this campus with prideful conceit and a brazen disrespect for the rules. Always quick to try to demonstrate to the rest of the students how wonderful she thinks she is and how she’s always anxious to show up her instructors.” Her voice dripped with distaste. “Eager for any opportunity to use her precious little powers and remind the rest of us how talented she believes herself to be.”
“I have done everything this school has ever asked of me. And I did it well.” Jane tried to keep her tone calm. “Now, I simply wish to be placed with someone other than The Honey Badger. I feel that after ten years of loyal service and achievement, you…”
“We owe you nothing!” The woman cut her off, sitting down at her desk again. “The Honey Badger on the other hand, has been a longtime friend of this establishment. He’s a hero, child. He deserves only the best from life.” She absently began scribbling something on one of her files. “Personally, I don’t know why he would ever want to take responsibility for such a horrid little creature as yourself, but the ultimate decision was not mine. I have learned not to question my betters. He wishes you to be his sidekick, and so you shall go to his headquarters in the morning. The matter is settled.”
Captive of a Fairytale Barbarian Page 52
