“That’s why you’re smarter than Mommy.”
He giggles.
Once I put Roman down for his nap, I grab my phone and call Callie. I wish I had stayed in touch with her more over the past few years, I just know how badly she would want to help if she saw what my life has turned into. I can’t be a burden on her like that. She has been too good to me to do that to her. I need her advice though, and I think if anyone can help walk me through this, it’s her.
“Hey!” she says cheerily into the phone.
“Do you have a few minutes?” I ask.
“Sure,” she says. “Sweetie, could you go play with that in your room please?”
I hear a faint, high-pitched voice respond in the background.
“What’s up?” she asks.
“I’ve never really asked you about this, but how did you make it work, with Damian, I mean.”
There’s a pause. “What do you mean exactly?”
I sigh. She’s really going to make me spell it out. “I know Damian was involved in some… questionable work. How did you make it work when you knew what he was doing for a living?”
Callie sounds a little reluctant to answer, and starts slowly. “I mean, it has always been a struggle. Normally couples have a point of contention about what football team they root for or who takes the trash out. I guess we just handled our… issue like you would handle any other issue, but the stakes were higher. Why are you asking?”
“Well, I wanted to tell Leo to go fuck himself, but he hasn’t made it easy. And he has been around the apartment some and he’s really good with Roman, like amazing with him. He’s sweet to me, and when we’re together everything seems perfect, until I remember what kind of life he lives.”
“Yeah,” says Callie. “It wasn’t so different with Damian. I think the turning point for me was realizing the violence wasn’t out of anger or lust for power anymore, it was only to protect me. Once I was safe, I was able to see that he had actually changed a long time before I thought he did.”
“But when does it stop? What if I always need protecting? How can I live with myself if I let a man like him into my son’s life?”
“I’m sorry, Jules. I don’t have an answer for you. I think you just have to do what feels right. All I can say is no man is perfect. They are all flawed, but if he’s good with Roman, that counts for a whole hell of a lot as far as I’m concerned. I know you’ll make the right decision.”
I wish I was as confident as she was. Not for the first time, I think how nice it would be to peek ahead into what my future would look like with Leo and see if it’s a mistake. On the one hand, he really might turn himself around for us. On the other, he could bring violence and heartache into my life on a scale unlike any I’ve ever known. But what’s the alternative? I can keep struggling day after day. Falling deeper and deeper into debt, rushing blindly toward a point of no return where we can’t afford rent and child services will come knocking because I can’t afford to put food on Roman’s plate anymore.
Just ask Callie for money. You know she’ll give it to you. Stop being so fucking selfishly prideful for once in your life and ask for help.
“Thanks, Callie. I’m sorry I only seem to call you when I have problems lately. I promise we’ll get together soon just to hang out, no complaining, just girl talk. Okay?”
I can hear the smile in Callie’s voice. “I’d like that. We’ll talk soon. I love you. Okay? I mean that. You know I’m here for you. If it gets too bad you can always come to me.”
Tears well in my eyes. “Thank you. Bye.”
I make a promise to myself, to Roman. If it comes down to it, I really will ask her for help. I won’t let my pride come before Roman. I glance at the monitor and look at his peaceful little face. My little guy. I just want to do what’s right for him. I would’ve turned to my friends for help a long time ago, despite my pride, but I don’t want him to see his mom beg. I don’t want him to grow up thinking that he was raised by a woman who couldn’t even stand on her own two feet. He needs to know that I fought tooth and nail, day in and day out. He needs to know I loved him so much that I sacrificed everything I could to provide for him. That’s how much I love him, and I don’t know if there’s any better way to say it than to keep fighting for him.
I drop Roman off with Lauren and head into work. Even though it’s a holiday for most of the professional world, Ted scheduled me and only me to work today, because a few people wanted to get their sessions in before heading out for the holidays. I’m so far beyond pissed that I can only call it numb at this point. I get out of my car, feeling a cold emptiness in my chest. I have no idea if Ted even plans to pay me anymore, and that’s on the tail of the three hundred dollar paycheck. Bills are piling up and I have no idea how I’m going to pay them. I’ll be given no choice. Quit and lose any hope of ever doing the job I used to love again, or stay and work myself into poverty and destitution.
I’m a few steps from the front door of the office when it swings open. Ted stands in the doorway, wearing uncharacteristically messy clothes. His white button-down has a stain on the sleeve and is in serious need of ironing. His tie is lopsided, and his hair isn’t carefully styled enough to hide his receding hairline today.
“Julia,” he says breathlessly. “I was just about to call you. I’m going to take your patients for today. You can stay home.” He smiles, showing too many teeth. “Be with your family.”
Leo’s casual promise that he would take care of Ted suddenly pops back into my memory. Jesus… What did you do, Leo?
“Okay…” I say slowly.
Ted fishes in his pocket and pulls out a crumpled envelope. I open it, frowning in confusion when I find a dozen hundred dollar bills.
“It’s not everything I owe you,” he says quickly. “But I’ll get it to you as soon as I can.” He hesitates. “Can you tell Leo that? Tell him I paid you back some of it?”
I try to reconcile the years of seeing Ted the only way I’ve ever known him—pompous, arrogant, and rude—with this sudden change. I just can’t. He’s like a different person, broken, scared, and weak. He has always been weak, but his whole persona was designed to hide that weakness. Now he wears it plain as day, clear for me to see in its entirety for the first time. I have to fight the urge to pity him now. It’s one thing to know he’s weak, but it’s another to see him grovel like this.
“I’ll tell him,” I say. That’s not all I’ll tell him. He promised to avoid violence for me. There’s no way he got Ted to turn it around like this with a stern talk.
66
Angelo
Donnie and Luca Bianchi lead me and Carlito inside Marco’s estate in Western Jersey. I know Leo wanted to be here with me, but he said he was going to be with that girl he’s been obsessed with for years. I didn’t want to interrupt that just because the Bianchis changed the time on me. Besides, I have Carlito here to watch my back. It’s a ranch-style house, a massive one-story building with two garages and a separate in-law suite built in the back. Luca picked me up from my place and has been extra quiet ever since. He and I used to run together for a few years, and he was always one to blab my ear off, so his uncharacteristic silence has me a little on edge. I guess he’s pissed that they’re making me. As far as I know, the Bianchis haven’t made a guy like me since the old days, and the old guard is always reluctant to see their birth-privilege being handed out.
Fuck ‘em though. I spent a long ass time scraping and clawing for this. I deserve it as much as any of them. And as much as I love my big brother, I can’t lie; getting promoted ahead of him feels incredible. It’s the first time in my life I’ve ever out-done him at anything. For as long as I can remember, Leo has always overshadowed me. He’s bigger, faster, stronger, smarter, and gets women like he was born to do it.
But I have one thing he doesn’t.
I’ve never let somebody else come between me and what I want. As much as I appreciate him sidelining his life to look out for me, I would never do
that for anyone else. I’ve always gone straight for what I want, full-speed, no hesitation, no regrets. That’s what got me here. That’s why I’m getting made, and that’s why he’s not. It hurts to admit it, even to myself, but I’m his only weakness, the only thing that kept Leo from taking over the fucking world if he wanted to. I won’t apologize though. I never asked him to protect me. I never asked him to follow me to the Bianchis. He could have stayed with the Citriones and probably ended up running the show in a few years, but he made the decision to come after me.
I sniff, trying to get my mind off Leo. For the first fucking time in my life, I’m getting something he doesn’t have, and all I can do is sit here and think about him?
I follow Donnie and Luca to some kind of waiting area. I look around the place, taking in the furnishings. Marco has done well for himself, and now that I’m going to be a made man, I might be able to start putting a place of my own together. The thought makes me more than a little giddy. It’s all the shit I always wanted, the shit I’ve struggled for. Now it’s finally here.
Carlito lounges beside me. He looks completely out of it, like he might actually be on something right now. Once we get all this shit cleared up, I make a vow to myself that I’m going to find a way to get him straight again. I’m not going to let him keep doing this to myself.
“Where is everyone?” I ask Luca.
It’s only then that I realize what I’ve been seeing in his face, what I was too blind to notice until now. It’s the same fucking face he always made when he knew I was about to go off on somebody. I reach for my gun.
Luca raises a pistol and fires into Carlito’s chest.
There’s a deafening sound and it feels like someone hit me with a hammer in the back of the head.
White light blinds me.
Another bang.
I fall forward, watching my blood splatter to the ground, feeling the strength rapidly leave my body. I hear Luca still unloading into Carlito as I collapse.
“You should’ve fucking stayed lost,” says Donnie.
He fires one last time and my world goes black.
67
Leo
I pull up outside Marco’s place. I see Luca Bianchi’s car in the driveway, but that’s it. I step out, heart racing. Please be inside, Angelo. Please be in there and alive, you fucking idiot. I can hope all I want, but I know if this was a real promotion, the whole Bianchi family would be here, cheering him on and welcoming him into the fold. I run to the front door, banging hard.
“Angelo!” I yell.
I hear movement from inside, but no voices. My stomach sinks as I pull out my gun, bracing for the worst. I ram my shoulder into the door but it doesn’t give. I step back and blast the hinges off with three precise shots.
BANG! BANG! BANG!
The door falls down in a mist of wood chips and dust. I step inside and see it right away. My little brother. My little fucking brother is lying face down in a pool of his own blood. There is a hole in his back and two in the back of his head. They shot him in the fucking back like a fucking execution. Carlito is dead beside him, chest stained dark red with his blood. All traces of my promise to Julia vaporize in that instant. There will be fucking blood. Every single living thing in this house is going to die before I leave, and I’m not going to stop until I get to the top of the Bianchi family.
A floorboard creaks to my left. I don’t duck behind a couch and wait to see who it is. I don’t sneak around and try to get an easy shot at them through the window outside. I walk straight toward the sound, gun at my side, consumed by a deadly calm that belies the rage swirling inside me.
A head pops out from behind the wall, just a fraction of an inch, but I’m fast. I’ve always been fast, and I’ve always been accurate. I whip my gun up, firing without even stopping to aim. The bullet slams into Luca Bianchi’s forehead, jolting his head backward. He’s dead before he hits the ground.
I hear a door from the other room open and I rush toward it. I tear through the kitchen, reaching the door just in time to see a man in a suit running as fast as he can away from the house. I aim, leading him slightly and aiming up to account for the way the bullet will arc. I squeeze off one shot. He’s far enough away that it’s a split second before he crumples to the ground beneath a mist of blood.
I stand motionless in the doorway, gripping the gun so tight I can feel the metal straining against my palm.
They killed him. They killed my only brother. My little brother. The same kid who used to come to me before he’d come to our parents when he fell down playing or someone hurt his feelings. The same kid who I used to share a room with growing up. They took him from me, and they left a gaping hole that I can practically feel the air ripping through. I need to put something there, and right now, the only thing I want to fill the hole with is bodies. I want to make the Bianchis sorry they ever crossed me, but I’m not going to be able to do it alone.
Distantly, I realize there’s no way for me to hide this from Julia. I can’t have it all. I can’t have the revenge I want and the life I hoped for, but I never deserved that. I don’t deserve to live a normal life with a beautiful woman and a great kid. That wasn’t ever the life set out for me. Pain, struggle, and blood. That’s all this life ever had in store for me, and I was a fool to let myself think otherwise.
My phone rings. Unknown caller. I pick up and wait.
“Leo,” says the voice. Marco’s voice. Marco Bianchi. I’m a little surprised because he doesn’t give anyone his number. If I’ve wanted to talk to him, I’ve always had to do it in person. Now this fucker has the nerve to call me after he executes my little brother? There’s nothing he can say to save himself at this point, nothing in the world that’s going to stop me from putting a bullet in his wrinkly old forehead. “I had no idea what they were planning. I heard when it was too late.”
I stare across Marco’s back lawn where one of his guys lays dead. I can still smell the gunpowder and blood in the air. No idea? I’m not buying it. Not for a fucking second. “Who wanted this?” I ask, surprised by how calm my voice sounds, how distant.
“The Morettis had some moles in the family. Seems like they got to Luca. Kid was my nephew, but I swear he had a spine about as thick as a toothpick.”
Had a spine as thick as a toothpick? If Marco only just found out about this, why is he already talking about Luca in the past tense.
“Yeah. No shit.”
“Listen, Leo. I’m doing my fucking best to pay my respects here. Your brother was a decent kid. Loyal, but a loose cannon. Still, we never would’ve set something up like this.”
I never said you did. Just listening to this crusty bastard do such a sloppy job of smoothing over his mess pisses me off. I want to call him on it, to tell him to lock his doors and find a good hiding place, because I’m coming. Before Julia and Roman, that’s exactly what I would have done. I would’ve already been in my car driving toward him, seeing nothing but red. Now, as much as I want to act, to get revenge, I can’t stop seeing Julia and Roman, realizing how much they need me to watch out for them. With every passing second, I feel the crushing reality start to settle in. I can’t have it all. I’m going to have to choose between revenge and being with Julia, and I don’t know yet what I’ll do. All I know is I don’t deserve her. She’s going to be hurt and disappointed when she finds out what I’ve done, and she deserves so much better than that.
“I understand,” I say.
“Oh. Good. Yeah. That’s real good. You’re an asset to the family, and it’d be a fucking shame to let you go to waste.”
There’s the threat. “Yeah, well, I’ll be in touch,” I say, hanging up. I stand in the doorway, the cold air feeling frigid against my steaming skin. I move back through the kitchen, emptying my clip in Luca’s corpse. His body jolts with each bullet and my ears ring as I walk to the car. It feels like my world is spinning, like the ground is falling out from under me. I know she’s pissed as hell and I know she’s going to have her he
art broken when she finds out I’ve already broken my promise, but I need to go to Julia. She might deserve better than me, but I know I need her kind of good in my life. I’m too selfish to stay away. I will hurt, kill, and do whatever it takes to protect her and Roman.
68
Julia
Roman holds my hand as we leave the grocery store. There’s a little extra pep in my step because my mom just learned the tumor is responding to treatment and getting smaller now, but I still can’t let myself get too excited. I don’t know how we’re going to keep paying the medical bills long enough to get her healthy.
When I’m not thinking of my mom I’m thinking of Leo. Did he really come back just to do it all again? To make promises he couldn’t keep and leave when it got tough? Why couldn’t he have just stayed gone? All his coming back did was raise my hopes. He was cruel enough to come back and let me dream about a better life. I knew his promises would be false, but I held onto them like lifelines either way. Now I’m left here with Roman, trying to figure out how I’m going to explain why we don’t get to see Mr. Leo anymore. I sigh. I won’t miss the violence and the danger, but I will miss seeing those two together. I started catching myself daydreaming when I would watch them, imagining this was real, that he had never left and that my little guy had the father he so desperately craved.
Roman “helps” me load the groceries by taking anything small enough for his hands out of the bags and handing it to me. I notice a black SUV slowly crawl to a stop right behind us. I give an irritated wave. God. There’s a parking spot like five feet away. Are they really lazy enough to wait for this one?
As I finish loading the groceries, I’m increasingly annoyed by the SUV. I close the trunk of my car and strap Roman into his carseat before turning to face the car. I give my best fake smile, but it freezes on my face when I look at the people in the SUV for the first time. They have olive skin and wear clothes that look expensive. They have the same kind of hardness in their eyes as the men from the mini-golf course. My stomach clenches when I realize I’m boxed in. I can’t back out without ramming them, and there are cars parked beside and in front of mine.
Baby for the Beast Page 39
