by Cathy Sharp
‘I can’t look after you, love,’ Ma said, and tears spilled from her eyes, dripping slowly down her pale cheeks. ‘I don’t want to leave you, Mary Ellen – but I have to go to the hospital. If I stay with you, you may get my illness and I don’t want you to suffer like me. Anything is better than that …’
Mary Ellen didn’t want that either, but she longed for Ma to laugh and take her in her arms as she had in the old days when her father was alive and Ma was always happy and singing.
‘Why can’t Rose stay and look after me?’ Mary Ellen didn’t particularly want to be in her sister’s care, because Rose was so sharp, but it was better than going away to a place she didn’t know – a home for orphans. Surely that was for kids who had no family? Mary Ellen had a mother and a sister and she wanted her own home.
‘Because Rose has worked hard to get that place in the hospital and she needs to work her way up until she’s a senior staff nurse or a sister and then she will earn enough to have a house that we can all live in. I’ll be able to move from here too, Mary Ellen. Let Rose go and do what she has to – and then we can all be together again.’
‘I would rather she stayed here until you come home from the hospital.’
‘Well, I can’t,’ Rose snapped. ‘I have to go now or not at all. Stop complaining, Mary Ellen. Ma is ill and she has to go to the hospital. She doesn’t want to go either but you don’t hear her whining and moaning. I’ve made the arrangements and I shall take you on Monday morning and that’s that.’
‘Well, I think you’re mean and rotten and …’ Mary Ellen broke off with a gasp as Rose gave her a smack round the face. Tears welled in her eyes but she didn’t sob or carry on because the slap had shocked her more than hurt her. Rose had never hit her before and something in her sister’s manner told her that she had reached the end of her tether. In that moment Mary Ellen understood that her sister was suffering too, even though she was trying not to show it. ‘I’m sorry …’
Rose was looking pale, as if she were shocked by what she’d done, and Mary Ellen felt her resistance ebbing. She’d known ever since Ma told them she had to go away that this was coming, but she’d been hoping something would happen and everything would be all right again.
‘Rose, love, don’t quarrel with your sister. It’s hard enough for all of us – and Mary Ellen …’ Ma looked at her sadly, her eyes wet with tears. ‘Please try to understand, my love. I’m really ill. I wouldn’t leave you if I didn’t have to but it’s my only chance.… ’
‘If Ma doesn’t go she’ll only get worse,’ Rose said but her mother shook her head. ‘She’s got to understand, Ma. There is no other way for us. I can’t work and look after her properly – and I need to complete my training. The exams I took are only the first hurdle; there will be so much to learn that I couldn’t possibly look after a child. If I don’t do this, we’ll be stuck in this rotten slum for the rest of our lives. It’s living here that has made you ill. Do you want her to die young too?’
Mary Ellen ran at her mother, clinging to her legs and hiding her face in her skirt. She felt gentle hands on her head but knew Ma wouldn’t kiss her: she didn’t kiss either of them these days and tried not to breathe on them in case she infected them with her illness. She was always holding a handkerchief to her mouth and that was usually speckled with bloodstains.
‘Please, love,’ her mother begged, a break in her voice. ‘You’re tearing me apart. I can’t bear it …’
Mary Ellen heard the pain in Ma’s voice and was immediately contrite. She buried herself in the skirts of Ma’s dress and mumbled that she was sorry.
‘I’ll go,’ she said, voice thick with misery. ‘I’ll go – but Rose had better come and get me sometimes or I shall run away.’
‘Of course I’ll visit when I can and bring you sweets or something,’ Rose told her, relieved and trying to be kind now that she’d won. ‘The time will pass quickly. You’ll see, Mary Ellen, before you know it I’ll be visiting and then I’ll be a nurse and we’ll have a much better house to live in than this old thing …’
‘You promise you won’t leave me there and forget me?’
‘Cross my heart and hope to die,’ Rose said and smiled. ‘You’re my sister and I care about you. Please try to understand. I’ve got a lovely fresh loaf, some real butter, ham and tomatoes for tea. Come on and help me set the table like a good girl. We don’t want to upset Ma, do we, love?’
Mary Ellen stared at her with reproachful eyes. It was all right for Rose, she was going to do something she’d always wanted to do, but Mary Ellen would be stuck in that home – and she knew how forbidding it looked from the outside. She felt abandoned, unwanted, and it was breaking her heart. Mary Ellen just knew it would be horrible there. It would be like being locked away in prison, except that she hadn’t done anything wrong and it wasn’t fair. Ma was going to a hospital where she would have people to look after her, and Rose was going to be a nurse but she would be sent away, because no one loved or wanted her …
EIGHT
Michelle luxuriated in the warm scented bath water, thoroughly enjoying the sensation of being pampered and lazy. She’d bagged the bathroom at the Nurses’ Home first that evening, and the water was still hot, which it wouldn’t be by the time three or four of the inmates had run a bath, because Michelle had used more than she was supposed to and the old geyser that heated it wasn’t really up to all the demands made on it. She was using the remainder of the lilac-scented bath salts she’d had for her last birthday, because it was a special occasion that evening. She had the next two whole days off and tonight she was going dancing at the Co-op hall in Bethnal Green with a group of her friends.
Sally’s friend Keith, an apprentice plumber who often did small jobs for people in the Halfpenny Street area, had asked her if she had some friends who would like to support the dance, which was in aid of the local darts team of which he was a member. So Sally had roped in Alice, her cousin and a friend of his from the Army.
Michelle had hesitated when she was asked along too but something in the way Sally had looked at her had made her give in, because they both needed cheering up after what had happened to Jake. A night out in the company of friends would stop them both brooding over his death. Besides, if Michelle had guessed right, Sally didn’t want to spend all night with just Keith for company. She too had the luxury of a weekend off, because Sister Beatrice said they both deserved it. The Warden hadn’t blamed either of them for what had happened to their patient, though they bitterly blamed themselves. Losing such a lovely little boy had been unbearable and felt so wrong. Surely, if they’d tried harder, they could have done something – though they both knew they had neglected nothing in their care of the boy. He’d just been too weak to fight the pneumonia.
Nurses were not supposed to get involved with the children in their care: it was one of the first things they learned, to toughen up, because otherwise they were going to break their hearts over every child that was lost. Michelle had believed that she’d managed to grow a thick skin; she could mostly cope with whatever the wards threw at her, but somehow Jake had got beneath her shield. Perhaps it was because he was so bright and intelligent, so interested in everything going on around him. He’d watched her nursing the others and one night he’d confided that he was going to be a nurse when he grew up so that he could look after sick people. And then, suddenly, he’d become silent, a pathetic, tortured child, as the fever gripped him and turned into an illness that was so often a killer. A doctor had been summoned, but he’d endorsed all they were doing, praised them for their devotion, yet it still hadn’t been enough. Jake had slipped away from them just before the dawn, his last gasping breath taken. The sight of him lying pale and silent had torn her heart in two.
Michelle felt the sting of tears. Her throat was tight and for a moment she felt overwhelmed by a deep sadness that threatened to undo her, but she fought it back. Jake’s struggle was ended and his pathetic little life was over. The awful thing wa
s that he’d had such a rotten one. With parents who starved and beat him, he’d never had a chance, and yet he hadn’t been bitter. Instead, he’d loved his little sister and wanted to protect her – had wanted to grow up to be a nurse so that he could help sick people.
‘Why?’ Michelle asked of no one in particular. There were plenty of bad people in the world; why, if a soul had been needed, couldn’t it have been one of them instead of that innocent boy?
She shook her head and jumped out of the rapidly cooling water. It was time she got ready for the dance that evening. Sally and Alice were coming back here to start with and they would catch the bus to meet up with the men outside the dance hall. Keith had wanted to pay for all the girls to go in, but Sally said that wasn’t fair on him, because apprentices didn’t have much money to spare so they’d agreed that everyone would buy their own tickets at the door.
Michelle looked through her wardrobe, settling on a pale blue dress with white spots that had a halter strap and a sweetheart neckline, adding a little white bolero with capped sleeves. The skirt was gored and because of the restrictions during the war it didn’t have the fashionable fullness she would have liked, but it finished below her knees and suited her well. Her white leather shoes were almost new and hadn’t yet needed to be cleaned with whitening, though after this evening they probably would. You never knew who you would end up with as a partner in the progressive barn dance; sometimes you got lucky and they danced well, but half of the young men who filled the popular dance hall seemed to have two left feet.
Michelle didn’t mind who she danced with much. She’d been let down once by a man she’d thought she was in love with, but he’d turned out to be as selfish as most men were in her opinion. From then on, she’d devoted her life to her nursing. Her life revolved around her family – her two younger brothers, mother and father – and her work and, of course, the children that came into her care. Perhaps she would meet someone one day, but for the moment she wasn’t much bothered about a relationship and preferred going out with her friends.
‘Oh, there they are,’ Sally said, hugging Alice’s arm and giving a nervous giggle. ‘I was afraid they might not be here. It’s awkward if there aren’t enough men to go round.’
‘Oh, I knew I could trust Eric to turn up on time,’ Alice said, looking at her cousin with pride. ‘And he promised to bring Bob Manning, a mate of his from the Army. Eric only came because you were coming, Michelle. I think he’s sweet on you.’ The teasing look in her eyes made Michelle shake her head impatiently. She wasn’t interested in Alice’s cousin that way, though he was a decent partner on the dance floor and she didn’t mind spending an evening with him.
Because so many young men had died or been injured in the recent war, it was not unusual to find that there were not enough men of the right age to go round and some girls danced together rather than sit out most of the evening. It wasn’t going to happen tonight, though, because there were two very good-looking men ready and willing to be their escorts. Dressed in Army uniform Alice’s cousin looked very handsome, his short hair black and his eyes a brilliant blue. His friend had light brown hair and greenish eyes, and seemed a bit quiet.
‘Eric is the best looking of all three,’ Michelle said to Alice. ‘But don’t tell him I said so, will you?’
‘’Course I shan’t,’ Alice laughed and ran up to her cousin. ‘You found Keith all right then?’
‘He found us,’ Eric Wright said. ‘I’m glad you roped us in tonight, Allie, love. We would probably have spent the night in the pub. This will be much more fun …’ His gaze roved over Michelle and Sally, seeming to favour Michelle, and he swooped on her as she fiddled with her purse. ‘Put that away, I’m paying for you. Beautiful ladies should not have to pay for their own ticket.’
Michelle demurred, but seeing he was determined put her purse away. Eric paid for himself, his friend and all the girls.
Sally protested and tried to give him the five shillings entrance fee but he pushed her hand away with a frown so she shoved it back in her coat pocket. Seeing that Keith had to pay for himself, she felt annoyed with Eric Wright for throwing his money around, and with the others for simply accepting it. Keith had offered to pay, even though they all knew he didn’t get much money, and Eric had made him look like a fool, almost shutting him out when it had been his idea to come as a group in the first place.
Feeling protective of Keith, she slipped her arm through his and smiled up at him.
‘This was a lovely idea,’ she said. ‘I’m going to take my coat off but will you dance with me first when I come back? I would much rather dance with you than the others …’
Keith’s lovely soft eyes smiled down at her. With his sandy hair and rather long nose, he wasn’t as good-looking as either of the other two men, but she thought much nicer. He was a good friend and she liked him, but lately he’d started hinting that he wanted to go steady and Sally wasn’t sure she wanted to settle for Keith, at least not yet. ‘I’ll buy you a drink first. What would you like? I think they do a pleasant white wine or you could have gin and orange, something like that if you prefer?’ Michelle had hardly ever drunk wine, but realised Keith was trying to impress her with the offer.
‘I wouldn’t mind a port and lemon, as long as it’s more lemonade than port please.’
‘All right,’ he said. ‘I’ll buy a small port in a big glass and a small bottle of lemonade so you can put in what you want yourself.’
Sally thanked him and followed the other girls to the cloakroom. Michelle and Alice were whispering together and giggling. It seemed that Alice rather liked her cousin’s friend, but though she wouldn’t be rude enough to say it, Sally didn’t really care for either of the Army boys. She much preferred the young apprentice plumber, though she didn’t get those funny feelings in her tummy when he smiled or kissed her.
Sally had never had a proper boyfriend, although she’d been out to the flicks with Keith a few times during the war when he was home on leave, and she’d let him have a goodnight kiss; all the girls let the blokes in the forces have a kiss, a memory to take back with them, but she’d been careful never to let it go further. She usually went out with her sister Brenda and brother Jim or with a group of friends from work, but although some of the young men she met made suggestions about meeting up alone, she’d never felt the desire to oblige them. Sometimes, when she saw other girls meeting their sweethearts after work, she wished she could fall in love, but none of the men that showed an interest touched her heart.
Not that it really mattered. Sally hadn’t time for a serious relationship, because she wanted to be a nurse. She admired girls like Michelle and Anna, one of the other nurses at St Saviour’s, who had taken their training and passed their exams, and wanted to follow in their footsteps. It wasn’t that she didn’t enjoy working at St Saviour’s, she did – most of the time. She hadn’t enjoyed it when Jake died. Caring for him and his brother and sister as a special assignment, she’d come too close to the child for comfort. The charm in his smile had won her over and she’d felt she would break apart when she saw the colour fade from his lips and realised they had lost him, despite all they’d done.
Sister Beatrice had seen her distress and told her that death was something she had to learn to accept. In the mean streets of London’s East End there were too many children suffering from malnutrition and all the debilitating diseases that filth and depravation fostered.
Determined not to let the shadow of a child’s untimely death spoil her evening, Sally tidied her hair, slid her lip-gloss over her full lips and left the mirror to the next girl. Her nails were short and neat, polished with a pale varnish that was a natural pink. Alice was wearing bright red polish on her nails to match the lipstick she’d borrowed from Michelle but Sally would not have felt confident with that colour. She headed back to the ballroom, wending her way through the crowds of laughing girls and men to the seats near the bar.
The band was playing one of the hit tunes of
the previous year – ‘They Say It’s Wonderful’ – and people were smooching to it as they danced. Looking at the smiling faces, Sally thought that no one would have known that the country was enduring yet another year of austerity. Most people felt safe because the war was over and they were not going to receive a telegram to tell them that a loved one had been killed.
Keith sat down beside her, depositing his tray on the little table. ‘I asked Michelle and Alice if they wanted a drink, but they decided to dance. It looks as if they’ve paired off for the evening. I hope you don’t mind being stuck with me?’
‘I wouldn’t call it being stuck,’ Sally smiled and poured lemonade into her small glass of port. ‘I wouldn’t have come if I felt like that, Keith. You know I like you, I always have.’
‘You’re a nice girl,’ Keith said. ‘I would’ve asked just you, but I thought you might not come out on your own? We’ve mostly gone out in a crowd, haven’t we?’
Sally nodded, because she was glad he’d asked her friends. While Keith was in the Army, he’d seemed content with the arrangement they’d had of going out in a crowd. She enjoyed his company, but just lately he’d seemed to be more interested in getting her alone and he’d spoken about what he intended to do once he’d finished his training as a plumber.
‘Most of the chaps moan about being called up for the Army,’ Keith had told her once as he’d walked her home, ‘but I learned a lot out there and I got into plumbing when they put me on latrine duty for a while. I had to help fix the toilets and the showers, which were forever blocking, but then they sent me up the line when there was a big push on. After I caught a Blighty in my leg, they said I couldn’t go back up to the front to fight so they stuck me on duty back home as one of the repair squad and I did a bit of all sorts. At least I had some sort of idea what I wanted to do when they demobbed me, but it took me a while to get taken on by a firm. It’s a well-paid job when you’re qualified, Sally. I’ll be able to support a wife and family.’
