“I’m confused.” Lily twisted her hands together on her lap. “This isn’t nice.”
Mary smiled. “I didn’t think it would be. People don’t usually get upset about nice things.”
“No, but I mean—it makes me look. . .mean.”
“I can’t imagine you being mean, Lily.” Mary reached forward and patted her hand. “Just talk.”
“I’ll try.” Lily took a deep breath. “Last year, when I had my wages stolen, no one did anything to repay me. And I’d been here for two years. Ben is here for less than two months, and you organize a scheme to get donations.”
“Aah.”
Other than that one sound, Mary said nothing for so long, Lily wondered if she should leave, if the pastor’s wife had given up on a poor-spirited and selfish woman like Lily Reese.
“Thank you for being honest with me,” Mary said at last. “I can see why you might be hurt by that.”
“It seems rather unfair.” Lily heard the anger in her tone and bowed her head in shame.
“I think you’re right. It does. But I’m going to be honest with you, my dear.”
Lily looked up. “Why do you all deem him so much more important than you do me?”
Mary met and held Lily’s gaze. “First of all, I didn’t begin this collection. A few people came to me because Ben helped them out so much during the storm. People here aren’t wealthy, but they’re not poor, either, and they’re generous with what they have. Ben was generous with his time and strength, and many people here, including businessmen, owed him for all the shoveling and scraping he did to clear the walkways and roads. He let people feed him, but he wouldn’t take pay, even though we all know he wants to save enough money for a farm and settle here.”
“I’ve done a great deal for this town, too. I organize the spring bazaar, the Christmas pageant, the harvest. . .any number of things.”
“You do, and we appreciate all of them.” Mary sighed. “But, Lily, you make it clear you do these things because you like entertainment, noise, and lots of people around you.”
“And what’s wrong—?” Lily caught her breath. Twin tears rolled down her cheeks. “You’re saying that I am doing these things for myself and not others.”
“Tell me if I’m wrong.”
“I. . .can’t.”
Lily remembered her reasons for cleaning up Ben’s quarters, making the room habitable. She had done it for herself, not for Ben.
She wanted to crawl under a table and hide. Better yet, take the next train out of Browning City before anyone learned how awful she was.
Except they already knew.
She wiped her eyes on her sleeve. “So you all didn’t help me out when my wages were stolen because I’m selfish and you don’t like me much.”
“On the contrary, my dear.” Mary’s voice broke. “We love you very much, and we knew that the sooner you got enough money saved, the sooner you would leave us. If we had thought that loss was a true hardship, we would have helped and then some. But we don’t want you to move east, where you don’t know anyone and won’t have a spiritual home and friends and family to support you. We want you here where we can love and protect you and give you the spiritual food you need to grow.”
“But this isn’t my home or my family. I lost those.” She cried the words straight from her heart. “I was so alone, and everything was quiet. . . .” She began to sob.
“Oh, my dear.” Mary knelt before Lily and clasped her hands in hers. “You weren’t alone. God was with you. You simply needed to ask Him for help. Do you ever do that?”
Lily shook her head. “Not for myself. I pray for other people, but He doesn’t want to help me.”
“Of course He does.” Mary snatched a piece of calico from the sewing table and handed it to Lily, who wiped her eyes on the colorful fabric. “He’s with you every minute of every day. He wants to guide every step of your life and promises to see to all your needs. But He asks us to trust Him and give our hearts to Him. Have you done that, Lily? Have you given your heart to the Lord?”
“I asked Him to forgive my sins a long time ago.”
Mary smiled. “That’s a good start. But He wants you to give your heart to Him, too. Give Him your life and all your desires and trust Him. Can you do that?”
“I. . .”
What if God wanted her to stay in Browning City?
Suddenly Lily couldn’t breathe. She wanted to bolt from the room, run from the house, and keep on moving until she no longer felt trapped by that one thought.
“I don’t know.” She couldn’t be anything but honest with Mary.
“Will you promise me to think about it?” Mary rose. “And read your Bible.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
Lily wiped her eyes again and wished she hadn’t agreed to Ben’s staying around to walk her home. She knew she must look a fright and didn’t want him to see her that way.
But when she and Mary walked into the hallway and Ben and Pastor Jackson stepped from the office, Ben gave Lily such a warm smile she thought maybe she didn’t look so bad after all.
“You ready to go home?” he asked.
She nodded. “Mrs. Twining will be worrying.”
“Not Great-Aunt Deborah. She doesn’t worry about anything. She just prays about it.”
“She is a tower of spiritual strength in this town,” Jackson said. “I have no doubts that her prayers brought you here, Ben. And will keep you here, too, the Lord willing.”
“I’m praying He is.” Ben shook the pastor’s hand, nodded to Mary, and offered Lily his arm. “Shall we go?”
They walked into the night, arm in arm like a courting couple. Lily, however, felt anything but romantic despite the warmer air and chandelier of stars. Her heart felt as though someone had torn it free of its moorings and left it to drift about in her chest like an abandoned vessel in a whirlpool. She didn’t know what to think and was far too frightened to pray for God’s guidance.
Now that I know everyone here thinks I am a selfish beast, Lord, I really can’t stay.
Yet she wished she possessed the kind of self-assurance Ben did, despite his vagabond lifestyle and lack of friends because of it.
Lack of friends before he arrived in Browning City.
“Ben,” she burst out just moments before they reached Mrs. Twining’s house, “will you tell me how you manage to trust that the Lord has the best for you in His plans?”
Eleven
Four days later, Ben sat on Mrs. Twining’s hearth rug in the parlor, his Bible on his knee. “I learned to trust in the Lord when I had nothing else constant in my life. Yes, Pa was always there, but he didn’t offer me much comfort when I became old enough to understand I didn’t have the same kind of life as other boys.”
Lily leaned toward him from her position on the sofa. “But how did you learn about giving your heart to God and trusting Him with your future?”
“We didn’t travel on Sundays, and sometimes we were near a church.” Ben tapped the battered Bible. “A pastor gave me this, and I just started reading. Eventually I started putting the Word together with what preachers said.”
“So now you simply know that God will make everything right in your life?”
“I know it. I don’t always feel like it.”
Lily had struggled with this notion for the four days since her talk with Mary. Ben and she never seemed to have time to talk together, so Lily had picked up her Bible, dusted it off, and tried to read.
“It’s just so big I don’t know where to start.”
“The Gospels are good. So is Romans.” Ben began to flip through the worn pages of his Bible. “And Proverbs holds a great deal of wisdom. I like Proverbs chapter three, when I get concerned.” He grinned. “When, Lily, not if. I worry all the time about what my future holds, that God won’t do what I want Him to.”
“But He restored your savings to you.”
“Yes, but I don’t know why. I know why I wanted Him to, but I don’t know if i
t’s what He wanted.” Ben glanced toward the window, where rain streamed down the panes like a waterfall. “It’s still not enough for what I truly want, and I may never have that.”
Even with his face in profile, she read his longing. She understood it. Her heart hungered, too—and feared. She feared she would never have that which her heart desired.
She clasped her knees. “So how do you go on? I mean, I pray for things like Mrs. Twining’s health and when you were hurt and for sunshine for the spring bazaar. But now I feel like those things were selfish prayers. Now I don’t know what to pray.”
“Two verses come to mind straightaway.” Ben flattened the pages of his Bible and read. “ ‘Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind,’ the twenty-second chapter of Matthew tells us. And Proverbs, chapter three, says, ‘ Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.’ ”
“Those are tall orders.” Lily spoke as she tucked scraps of yarn into her Bible to mark those passages. “I don’t think I can do that.”
“No one can. We need His strength to trust Him. That’s really hard to do—admitting we can’t do things ourselves.”
“But you do,” Lily protested.
“I don’t all the time.” Ben bowed his head. “I didn’t when I discovered the theft of my savings. And I’m not sure now that I am trusting the Lord about other things in my heart, things I want that He may not want for me.”
“I feel that way, too.” Lily folded her hands on top of her Bible. “But even if we are afraid God wants something for us we don’t want, should we pray about it? I mean, can we pray for what we want?”
“Yes, of course. He may just close the door on it.” He reached out his hand. “What is it you want so badly, Lily, if you can share it with me?”
“A job in the city.”
Pain flashed across his face.
“Why?” His voice was soft. “Why do you want to leave us?”
“I don’t belong here.” She laced her fingers together and held on tight, avoiding his gaze. “I didn’t realize how much I was planning all these fetes and parties for my own sake. I said I was doing it for the town. Now I just can’t face anyone. I could barely face anyone at church this morning.”
“Was anyone unkind to you at church?”
“No. No one treated me any differently. But I feel different.”
She felt like her sins had been exposed for all to see. Yet as she thought about it, she realized that her sins had been exposed only to herself. Everyone else already knew why she acted as she did.
“I just can’t be a different person and stay here,” she burst out. “No one will believe me.”
“They will know.” Ben gave her an encouraging smile. “But even if they don’t, the Lord will, and He’s the One who counts. Would you like to pray with me about it?”
“I can’t.” Lily rose. “Please, let me read and think about this some more. And it’s time to get Mrs. Twining up from her nap.”
“All right. Just let me or someone know when you want further guidance.” Ben rose and went to the door. “I’m having dinner with the Gilchrists again, so I can’t stay. But I’ll be praying for you. And I’d like your prayers for me, too. I have a number of things to give over to the Lord that I am hanging on to with all my might.”
“I can do that.”
Praying for him was easy. She didn’t have to struggle over the things he desired if they might be in opposition to what God wanted for him. Praying for herself, however, proved difficult at best. During the next week, she read the third chapter of Proverbs several times, committing it to memory. She read the Gospel of Matthew all the way through and started on Romans. The words touched her, yet each time she dropped to her knees to ask the Lord to take her heart and her will, the words stuck in her throat. She could only pray about the fears running through her head.
“I want to find work in the city so I can go now. I want to go before I love Ben too much to leave.”
Speaking the sentiment aloud, she knew she sounded silly. If she loved Ben, she would want to stay with him regardless of where he settled. Yet she knew she could not be happy remaining in Browning City, with or without Ben.
“I feel like I need to go now, Lord. Please provide me with the job I need to do this.” She started to rise; then a thought struck her. “And I’m not sure how deeply this goes into my heart, but my head tells me to say, a job if it is Thy will.”
Feeling surprisingly better, she got up from her knees and went to bed. After a fine night’s sleep, she woke to the cooing of a mourning dove and other less distinct birdsongs. Spring was on its way with daffodils poking their heads from the soil in yellow profusion and buds forming a green haze along the branches of trees.
It was a good time for a new start.
Her footfalls not as heavy as they had been the past few days, Lily headed to the telegraph office. Something good was going to happen today. She just knew it.
For the first half of the day, nothing out of the ordinary occurred. She sent and received messages. She worked on her crocheting in between those times. She welcomed Theo into the office while she ate her lunch.
Then the second half of her day began with the Morse-coded words:
Impressed with your work STOP Will you come work for us in Chicago STOP notify by may 1 stop letter to follow STOP
❧
Lily said nothing of the job offer to anyone. She feared the knowledge would make people treat her differently at the Easter egg hunt on Saturday, and she didn’t want a thing to spoil her joy in the knowledge that God had answered her prayer, that He had given her the desire of her heart.
“Maybe I am figuring this out, Lord, and giving You more of my life than I realize.”
Bubbling with excitement, she dressed for the party with care. Although sunny, the mid-April day was too cool for a calico dress. She wore her blue wool frock, now with bands of ribbon to cover the preserve stains. While pulling it over her head, she couldn’t help but remember the last time she had worn it. She had donned it to be pretty for Ben, and he had kissed her.
She pressed her fingers to her lips. She still believed he should not have done that. They weren’t even courting. Yet for that moment, she felt secure and warm, feelings that proved as fleeting as the embrace.
“Put it aside.” She gave herself a scolding for thinking of the incident with anything beyond embarrassment, as she fashioned a bow of ribbon for her hair. She was pinning a crocheted shawl around her shoulders when someone knocked on the front door.
“That’ll be Becky and Matt,” she called to Mrs. Twining. “I’ll be right there.”
She smoothed back the wings of hair over her ears and headed for the front door—where Ben stood on the porch with a handful of daffodils.
“They came up behind the livery this week.” He held them out to her. “They were so bright and sunny, they reminded me of you.”
“How—how sweet of you.” Lily’s heart did a foolish flip-flop. “Come in and talk to Mrs. Twining while I put these in water.”
She buried her face in the sweet-smelling blossoms, loving them, wishing he hadn’t brought them. Even more, she wished he hadn’t said such a romantic thing to her.
Don’t care about me, Ben. I’m leaving. I tell Western Union on Monday.
She tucked the flowers into a glass of water and returned to the parlor. “I have to wait for Becky and Matt.”
“No, they went on to the hall.” Ben kissed Mrs. Twining’s cheek and crossed the room to open the front door. “I told them I’d come fetch you.”
“But if we arrive together. . . Ben, you don’t understand. That’s the kind of thing courting couples do—attending a party like this together.”
Ben grinned at her. “So Great-Aunt Deborah has informed me. And as I told her, Becky made the suggestion that I come fetch you.
”
“And I thought she was my friend.” Lily’s grumble held no rancor.
Ben laughed. “She’s my friend, too.” He held out his arm. “May I escort you, Miss Reese?”
“Since I don’t want to go alone, I guess I’d better go along with this scheme of Becky’s.”
“That’s not very gracious of you, Lily.” Laughter crackled in Mrs. Twining’s voice. “You run along and have a good time with my great-nephew.”
Lily feared she would.
By the time the adults oversaw the Easter egg hunt and distribution of prizes for the children, she was having a good time. By the time the adult party began, she forgot she objected to attending the party with Ben as her beau. She forgot any grievances and experienced only the joy of playing games and singing with people she had known from two months to three years. People who invited her to be on their teams. . . People who teased her when she failed to score a point, and cheered her when she did. . .
People she realized were her friends.
“As always,” Mary told her at the end of the festivities, “you and Becky did a fine job, and we have raised a respectable sum of money for books. Thank you.”
“Everyone made it go on well.” Lily lowered her eyes from Mary’s penetrating gaze. “It’s a good way to end a long, hard winter.”
“And how are you doing?” Mary asked.
“Better. I’m praying a lot—or trying to—and reading my Bible.”
She didn’t tell Mary about the job offer.
“See you in church tomorrow.”
In church the next day, Lily experienced the true joy of remembering the Resurrection. She always understood its significance, but for the first time, she sensed an uplifting of her heart, the lightening of a burden. She truly praised God with the rest of the congregation—people who cared about her, who hugged her or shook her hand, who sought her out. People who knew her shortcomings and appreciated her strengths.
Who will know me and still care about me in Chicago?
The question gave her pause as she composed her reply to the telegraph company on Monday morning.
Better Than Gold Page 11
