by Paige Toon
‘Mate, we’ve known each other for ten years. You can talk to me about anything.’
‘I don’t think you’d understand this.’
Hang on, hang on, what’s going on?
‘Try me.’
Ben doesn’t say anything for a long time. Dave, thankfully, is patient as my mind races and I try to concentrate on breathing evenly so I don’t make a noise.
‘Have you ever . . . had feelings for . . .’ Ben’s words come with difficulty. And then he stops.
‘Go on,’ Dave urges.
Yes, go on!
‘Forget it.’
No! Wide-eyed, I peek through the crack in the door to see Ben sitting on one of the tables. His mate takes a seat next to him. I hide behind the door again, my heart pounding.
‘When I was getting married to Katherine,’ Dave starts, ‘I was terrified.’
‘It’s not that.’
‘Have you met someone else?’
Silence.
Now my head is pounding, too. I ask again, What’s going on?
‘Do you love her?’ Dave asks.
Who? Charlotte?
‘I don’t know,’ Ben replies eventually. ‘I’ve never been so fucking confused in my whole life.’
‘Do I know her?’
Who? WHO?
‘You’ve met her.’
Silence again.
‘Who is she?’
White noise is rushing through my head. A tiny little voice inside asks, ‘Is he talking about me?’
‘I can’t tell you,’ Ben replies.
When Dave speaks again, he speaks quietly. ‘I think I know who it is.’
‘I doubt it.’
‘Lily.’
I stifle a gasp of shock. I can’t believe Dave has just said my name.
Ben doesn’t confirm or deny it. His friend is the next person to speak and I wish I could stop the words that come out of his mouth.
‘I saw the way you were looking at each other the other night. I just had a feeling. Mate, you have to stop it.’
‘Nothing’s started.’
‘Well, it can’t do. Ever. She’s how old? Fifteen? Sixteen?’
‘Sixteen.’
I feel faint.
‘Ben! Come on! She’s just a kid.’
‘She seems older.’
‘They all do at that age, but they’re not!’ Please stop talking. ‘Listen, I know you’re confused. Getting married is a big thing to do. But you and Charlotte are great together. It would break her heart if you called this thing off now.’ Dave continues with his words of so-called wisdom. ‘Lily is everything you feel you’re not. You’re getting older and doing grown-up things, she’s still in the prime of her youth. No wonder you’re attracted to that, but it’s wrong, mate. You’re going to have to stay as far away from her as possible until you get on that plane.’
Nooooo! I want to scream.
‘I know,’ Ben responds softly. And then, with an air of finality: ‘I know.’
When they’ve gone, I don’t know what to do with myself. He loves me! Didn’t he say that? Or maybe he didn’t go so far as to say that, but he has feelings for me! I knew it! I knew from that look in his eyes on New Year’s Day. He’s tried to overcome his emotions, but he can’t. And I don’t want him to – ever. Oh, I wish Dave hadn’t told him to stay away from me. What if he does? No, he can’t. I won’t let him. He might not do anything about this, but there’s no way I’m letting the love of my life get away. I’d never get over it.
I’ve been absent for ages and Janine will wonder where I am soon enough, so I come out of my hiding-place and return with trepidation to the koala lofts. There’s a jackhammer inside my chest and even a pint of Prozac wouldn’t calm me down as I pick up a broom and continue mucking out the lofts. When Ben rounds the corner with his head down, my heart skips a beat and the world around me starts to spin. He looks up and almost reels backwards.
‘I thought you were off today,’ he says.
I shake my head mutely before finding my voice. ‘I changed my shift.’
‘Oh, right.’ He’s not smiling at me. He has an odd expression on his face and it’s making me feel uneasy. ‘Well, I’m helping out with the wombats today so I’ll see you later.’
‘Okay,’ I say apprehensively. And then he’s gone.
I don’t see him for the rest of the day. I’m always on the lookout, but he doesn’t come near the koala lofts, or me.
At the end of the day I leave five minutes early to try and catch him at the gates. I have a sick feeling in my stomach that he’s going to cancel our fishing trip tomorrow. After a while I start to fear he’s already left so I wander slowly to the car park to see if his car is still there. It is. I stick to it like a limpet, hoping my mum will be late like she usually is when she comes to pick me up. Thankfully, Ben appears before she does.
‘Hi!’ He looks taken aback. ‘What are you still doing here?’
‘I’m waiting for my mum,’ I say. Then: ‘Look, I wanted to check we’re still on for fishing tomorrow.’
He shifts on his feet. ‘I’m sorry, Lily, I’m not going to be able to make it after all.’
‘Why?’ I ask, panicked.
‘I don’t think I’m going to have the time.’
‘Oh no,’ I say quietly.
‘I’m leaving in a week and I’ve got so much to do. Monday’s my last day at work—’
‘Monday’s your last day at work?’ I can’t keep out the alarm. He nods. ‘I thought . . . I thought you’d be working longer,’ I stammer. But of course, why would he? He’s leaving anyway. He must have a ton of stuff to do. Why would he carry on working up until the last minute?
‘No.’ He shakes his head regretfully. ‘I’ve got to get my house packed up. Make it suitable for the next tenant.’
‘You’re not selling it? You said you’d never sell it.’
He gives me a small smile. ‘No, I’m not selling it. I’m renting it out to some friends of friends.’
My mum pulls around the corner in my car. I look towards it, anxiously.
‘Is that your mum?’ Ben asks, and I remember he hasn’t even met her yet.
‘Yeah.’
She pulls up beside me and winds down the window. ‘Sorry I’m late!’ she shouts. ‘I brought your car so you can drive home.’
‘Thanks,’ I reply, but there’s no enthusiasm in my voice. She looks at Ben expectantly.
‘Hi,’ he says, stepping towards the car with an outstretched hand. ‘I’m Ben Whiting.’
‘Nice to meet you, Ben.’ Mum smiles up at him through her lashes.
‘I’d better get off,’ he says to me. ‘See you Monday. Nice to finally meet you, Cindy.’
‘The pleasure’s all mine.’ She flicks her hair back.
I yank open the driver’s door and Mum stares up at me in alarm.
‘I’m driving – right?’ I say tersely.
‘Oh, yes.’ She comes to her senses and climbs out of the car. Ben, meanwhile, gets into his car and pulls out of the car park.
‘Who was that?’ Mum asks the moment she’s shut the door.
‘Ben,’ I reply firmly.
‘The Ben who was going to have Christmas dinner with us?’
‘That’s the one.’
‘He’s a bit of alright, isn’t he?’
‘Mum!’ I squawk.
‘It’s okay, I’m only teasing,’ she says, but I can see she’s not. The thought of my mum with Ben . . . I could throw up.
‘So he’s the one who’s been giving you all these driving lessons?’ she continues as we set off.
‘Yes,’ I say crossly. ‘Speaking of driving lessons, do you think I can concentrate now?’
‘No need to be so snappy, Lily,’ she huffs. I try to ignore her so we can move on, but I know her mind is ticking over, wanting to interrogate me further about my beautiful Ben.
My stomach is churning terribly. And it has little to do with my mum’s twisted interests. Ben has cancelled
our day out tomorrow. He’s only here for a few more days and then he’ll be gone forever. I don’t know what I’m going to do.
Chapter 12
I can’t bring myself to speak to anyone on Monday, but even though I feel sick to my bones, I refuse to take time off. It’s Ben’s last day, and time is running out to confront him.
‘Darl, you look awful,’ Michael says to me at lunchtime. ‘I hope you’re not coming down with that weird flu virus.’
‘I’m sure it’s something I ate,’ I murmur.
Ben doesn’t appear for lunch so I couldn’t talk to him even if I could muster the courage. It also seems that wherever he’s working, one of his colleagues is always there, chatting to him about his forthcoming move. I can’t get a moment alone with him. It breaks my heart that afternoon to stand there in the staffroom with a bunch of smiling faces as they sing ‘For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow’ and Ben cuts his leaving cake. I shake my head to refuse a slice as yet another person tells me how unwell I look. It feels like Ben is the only person yet to comment on my lifeless appearance.
As he turns to leave the staffroom I reach out to get his attention in desperation, but at the last millisecond another of his colleagues spins him around to shake his hand. I stand there nervously waiting, but he moves in the other direction across the room saying his goodbyes.
‘Come on then, love,’ Michael says to me. ‘We should get you home to bed.’
‘I want to say goodbye to Ben.’ There’s a lump in my throat and I’m trying hard not to cry.
‘Ben! We’re off!’ Michael shouts as Ben turns around. He glances at me and then at Michael before bounding over.
‘See you soon, mate.’ Ben shakes Michael’s hand warmly.
‘I hope not,’ Michael jokes. ‘All the best for the future. Stay in touch, won’t you.’
‘Of course.’
I stare up at him, willing him to convey something to me with his eyes. This can’t be the last moment I spend with him.
‘Bye, Lily,’ he says, not holding my gaze for any length of time. ‘Thanks for all your help with the koalas. Take care of Olivia for me.’
I nod, unable to speak for fear of breaking down.
‘Good luck, Ben!’ another colleague calls and Ben moves away to speak to them. Michael ushers me out of the door, while every single part of me is screaming out to stay.
I can’t go into work the next day and no one is surprised. I lie in bed, red-eyed from crying myself to sleep. I can’t make it into work the day after that. Or the next. It’s only when my mum starts talking about taking me to see a doctor that I pretend to feel better. But inside I’m dying.
On Friday when I finally make it in, pale-faced and delirious from the pain of losing him, I can find no comfort in my work or the animals I tend to. I can’t even bear to look at Olivia because she reminds me too much of Ben. It’s only two weeks until term begins and then I could continue to work on weekends. But I can’t see how I can stay here, even for another day. I go to see Trudy in the office and tell her I need a couple of weeks to get my head together about starting at a new school. She’s taken aback that I’d want to leave, but she doesn’t question it. I know they have a waiting list of teenagers as long as her arm who would work here for free. I don’t tell Michael of my decision to leave. I don’t tell anyone. I plan to go quietly, without a fuss. I couldn’t bear to stand there and eat cake and say my goodbyes when the only person I’ve ever truly loved is leaving tomorrow.
I’ve been trying to think of ways to see him again, even though I know there’s no point. Dave has convinced him to stay away from me, to marry Charlotte. I know in my heart of hearts there’s not a thing I can say to change his mind.
Friday night. His last night. Mum and Michael are having dinner in the city and Josh invites me to Stirling. I would go if I thought there was any chance of bumping into Ben, but I know that’s unlikely. I tell Josh I still feel ill and go to sit outside on the wraparound veranda. I stare up at Mount Lofty as the sky darkens and tears silently roll down my cheeks.
I love him. So much. I’d never feel alone with Ben by my side. I’d never feel unhappy or unsafe. He’d protect me. He believes in me. I don’t feel like I’ll believe in myself ever again.
I wonder where he is, right now. Would he go up to Mount Lofty to say goodbye? What if he’s up there, staring down at my house and asking himself if he’s making the right decision?
I leap to my feet, full of determination. I have to go. I have to give it one last shot. What have I got to lose? Everything. I have to try. I could walk, but what if he leaves before I get there?
My mind races as I stumble into the house and search for my car keys on the hallstand. Then I run outside, slamming the front door behind me. I know what I’m doing is highly illegal, but I don’t care. I pray no one sees me.
It takes everything in me not to put my foot down. I’m nervous, and I don’t know if that’s because I’m driving for the first time on my own or because I’m going to find Ben.
The car park is practically deserted so I pull into a space without too much trouble and walk towards the side of the building with my heart hammering. I’m hoping to see Ben looking down at Piccadilly and I’m shaken when he’s not there. I continue around the corner and scan the darkness for people sitting on the benches overlooking the city lights, but again, nothing. In a panic I search every face, just to make sure, and one by one as the strangers stare up at me in surprise, my heart slows to a dull thud. He’s not here. I was wrong. I thought I knew him better than this.
I collapse on a bench and stare down at the city of Adelaide glittering before me. Then I think: I could go to his house! It’s further than Mount Lofty and even more risky, but I can’t let him leave without telling him how I feel. I set off back around the side of the building, full of determination, but then my footsteps slow. This is crazy. I’ll only embarrass myself all over again. I’ll never recover from the shame. What’s he going to do? Cancel his flight? Call off his engagement? No. He’s not going to do any of that.
I stand and stare down at Piccadilly in despair. A lump forms in my throat and my eyes burn with the onset of tears. I need to get out of here.
‘Lily?’ His voice is quiet in the darkness, but it’s unmistakably Ben.
‘You’re here,’ I say, as he steps tentatively towards me from the direction of the car park.
‘How did you know?’ he asks.
‘I didn’t. I thought I’d got it wrong. I was about to leave.’
He reaches me and I stare up at him. Our eyes lock and connect and this time there’s no looking away. Nothing can tear me away from him.
‘I don’t want you to go.’ My voice is barely audible, even to my own ears.
‘I know.’ He breathes softly.
‘I heard you.’
He cocks his head in confusion. ‘You heard me?’
‘I was there, in the room next to the hospital room. I heard you talking to Dave.’
Realisation dawns on his face. He looks horrified and it’s enough to make him break eye-contact. I follow him to a bench as he sits down in silence and stares straight ahead.
‘You can’t leave,’ I whisper. ‘You can’t leave me.’
‘Lily . . .’ He turns to look at me. ‘I have to.’
‘You don’t.’
‘You know I can’t stay.’
‘Yes, you can.’
‘This . . .’ he indicates the two of us ‘. . . would never work.’
‘You’re wrong.’
He leans forward and rests his elbows on his knees. ‘I’m too old for you.’
‘You’re not.’
He’s staring out at the blackness, but my eyes never leave his face.
‘You’re too young for me.’
‘I’m not.’
‘I can’t believe we’re having this conversation.’ He glances at me sideways and I regard him seriously.
‘I love you.’ There. I’ve said it.
He
doesn’t speak for a while, then he reaches up and tugs at his hair. ‘You don’t. You don’t know what you’re saying. It’s just a crush. You’ll get over it.’
‘I won’t. It’s not a crush, Ben. I love you. And I know you love me too.’ I suddenly feel like I’m having another out-of-body experience. I can’t quite believe I’m saying this to him. And then I’m back in the present again.
‘I don’t love you,’ he says.
‘You do.’
‘I don’t.’
‘You do.’ I’m not giving in.
He drags his eyes to meet mine and I know I’ve broken him. ‘It couldn’t work,’ he whispers.
I reach over and take his hand. The butterflies go haywire in my stomach.
‘No one would have to know.’
‘No, no.’ He abruptly pulls his hand away and stands up.
‘You could wait for me!’ I cry in sudden desperation. I thought I was getting somewhere.
‘No.’ He shakes his head resolutely. ‘This is crazy. I don’t know what’s come over me. I’m not normally like this.’
‘Please, Ben!’
‘Lily, no. You need to stop this. Now. I have to go.’
I stand up and clutch onto his arm in anguish. ‘No!’
‘Lily, please,’ he begs, shaking me free. I’ve never seen such pain on anyone’s face and I hate knowing I’ve caused it, but I can’t give up. A man and a woman appear around the corner, arm-in-arm. They momentarily halt when they see us. We force shaky smiles at them and say hello as they pass, and then we’re alone again.
‘How did you get here?’ Ben asks suddenly.
‘I drove.’
Shock mixed with anger appears on his face. ‘You drove?’
‘I know I shouldn’t have.’
‘Lily, what the hell did you think you were doing?’
‘Ben, don’t be angry!’ I cry.
‘Who do you think you are? Josh? You could have got yourself killed!’
‘I know, I know. But I’m a good driver – I drove carefully!’
‘You’re not that good.’
‘I’m sorry!’
His features soften as he regards me. ‘That was really stupid,’ he mutters.
‘I couldn’t let you leave without—’
