by Paige Toon
‘Who was that?’ Richard asks, glancing out of the back window and then at me with concern.
‘I don’t know,’ I reply.
‘You looked like you might know her.’ He’s confused at my reaction.
‘I thought I did, but I don’t,’ I quickly tell him, my heart pounding.
Who was she? Who were they? He said he’d never sell it. Did he move back here? Did he bring his family with him?
Maybe it’s a sign, a small voice inside my head says. Maybe it’s time to let him go.
No. No. I’ll never let him go.
Tina is gorgeous and personable and I urge Josh not to let her get away as he climbs back into the willow-green Jaguar convertible that he’s supposedly test driving.
‘I know.’ He smiles contentedly. ‘I’m beginning to come round to your way of thinking.’
‘Really?’ I squeak, so full of excitement that I momentarily block out the image of the curly-haired woman that has been plaguing me. ‘Do you think you’ll put a ring on her finger?’
‘Maybe,’ he says. ‘I’ll keep you posted.’
I give him a massive hug and let him climb into the car.
‘Don’t crash it,’ I warn. ‘I can’t believe you’re actually allowed to drive this thing out of the garage.’
‘What they don’t know won’t hurt them.’
‘Josh!’
He laughs. ‘I’m joking. The owner is a friend of mine. He even trusts me to look after his children.’
‘You babysit his children?’ I’m astounded.
‘Well, it’s more Tina’s thing, if I’m being honest.’
‘That sounds more like it. See you tomorrow?’
‘I’ll be there.’ He’s a pallbearer at the funeral.
Richard and I climb back into the car. ‘Where next?’ he asks. ‘Back to the hotel to check in,’ I say firmly. ‘I want to get ready for tonight.’
‘Fair enough,’ he concedes.
That night, after dinner with my friends, I walk out onto the small hotel balcony while Richard heads to the bathroom to get ready for bed. I stare up at the sky and see a full moon, yellow and enormous, like the one I saw years ago with Ben at Mount Lofty. Here the sky is lit from the lights of the city, but up in the hills I know it would be matt black and full of twinkling stars.
A single tear slides down my cheek and underneath my shirt.
‘Hey,’ Richard says quietly. I don’t turn to look at him. ‘Bathroom’s free.’
‘Thanks,’ I choke out.
‘Are you okay?’
I nod, unable to speak.
‘I wish you’d tell me what’s going through your mind,’ he says.
‘Nothing is,’ I lie.
He tries again. ‘You haven’t been yourself here. At least, you haven’t been the Lily I know.’
‘Why do you keep saying that?’ I suddenly snap, but when I turn to look at him, his expression immediately calms my mood. ‘I’m sorry,’ I sigh. ‘It is strange to come back here.’
‘I thought you loved Adelaide. You always defend it when anyone says anything negative about it.’
‘Those people don’t know what they’re talking about,’ I say crossly.
‘See?’ He smiles. ‘I know you’re fond of this place, so why does it make you so sad?’
‘I don’t know. Maybe I’m just freaked out about the funeral tomorrow. I’ve never been to one before, you know.’
‘Oh, right,’ he says.
I could leave it at that, but when I look in his eyes, I can’t. I try to explain how I feel. ‘I guess it was such an up and down time for me, being uprooted from the UK, starting at a new school. But I found my feet here and then Mum broke it off with Michael and we had to leave.’
‘But you could have stayed?’ he enquires.
I manage a wry smile. ‘Do you wish I had?’
He chuckles and opens up his arms. I step into them and he kisses the top of my head. ‘Of course I don’t.’
I relax into his embrace and begin to feel safe again. Eventually I pull away and look up at him. ‘Thank you for coming with me.’
‘Do you mean that?’ I nod as a lump forms in my throat. ‘I wasn’t sure if you’d prefer to come back on your own,’ he adds.
‘No,’ I say honestly. ‘I’m glad you’re here.’
But in the morning, there’s something I need to do alone.
As soon as the light starts to creep under the blinds I leave Richard dozing in bed and walk out of the hotel and down Rundle Street towards East Terrace. I take a left and I’m soon passing through the wrought-iron gates of the Botanic Gardens. On autopilot I head along the wide, straight path lined with freshly mown grass and turn right by the towering palm trees. The path curves left and then I’m passing under shady trees and sitting down on a bench. The place is empty. Deserted.
The reeds around the edge of the pond have grown so tall that I can barely see the large green lily pads from where I’m sitting. There are no pink flowers at this time of year, but Cupid sits still in the centre of the water, riding on the back of a grey swan. A dragonfly hovers above the reeds and I can see its wings shimmering in the sunshine. I’d forgotten how beautiful this place is.
I sit in silence for a long time until eventually I come to my senses to see hundreds and thousands of tiny black ants swarming around my feet. A man on an orange ride-on lawnmower appears at the edge of the pond, shattering my peace and quiet. It’s time to move on.
Yes, it’s time to move on. Really. In every sense. Ben left ten years ago.
Why are you still waiting for him?
I think of Richard sleeping soundly in bed this morning, his brown hair flat on one side from being squashed into the pillow, and I’m filled with an overwhelming sense of love for him. I suddenly want to be back in the hotel in his arms.
I hurry away from the pond with purpose, trying to pull my whole heart with it, but a piece of it tears off and remains. As I always knew it would.
Chapter 21
Towards the end of April, my dad, Lorraine and my three half-sisters arrive for a two-week holiday. It’s been a strange couple of weeks working back on reception after my time at Marbles, followed by the two days I had to take off to attend the funeral in Adelaide. It’s been fine – in fact, it’s been quite nice because most of the Marbles clan now smile and say hello to me on their way in. I feel like I’m a part of their little family somehow, even though of course I’m not. I have experienced a few insecurities, wondering if I should be buying coffees on my way in, but then I tell myself to get a grip. Plus Nicola and Mel were quick to reveal that Cara, my temporary replacement, had a really annoying laugh. She also hated soup and Tim Tams, so that didn’t go down too well.
It’s overcast and windy on the day my family touch down in Sydney. I go to meet them after work on Friday for an early-evening meal at their hotel. They only arrived this morning and are feeling worn out and jetlagged, so I don’t drag Richard into the city for the sake of a couple of hours. He’s off tomorrow on the surfing trip with Nathan and a bunch of people. Monday is Anzac Bank Holiday, so he won’t be back until late Monday night.
My family are staying in a flat in the Rocks area. Dad called earlier to tell me the number of their flat, so I don’t have to report to reception on my way in. My heels click over the polished floor of the spacious lobby and I press the button to call the gilded lift.
As a senior accountant, my dad is pretty well off. And Lorraine hasn’t done badly for herself either, with her interior design business. My sisters don’t want for much. I try not to think about the fact that they now live in a six-bedroom house in Sussex that would have had more than enough space to accommodate me ten years ago. Things were different back then.
‘That’s her!’ I hear one of my sisters – Olivia, I think – scream from inside the flat. A stampede of footsteps races for the door and it bursts open, revealing Olivia and Isabel’s beaming faces. A split-second later I’m being suffocated by their embra
ces. I can’t stop laughing.
‘Let Lily come in,’ my dad gently berates them as he untangles his daughters’ limbs from mine and pulls me in for a hug. ‘How are you, my girl?’ he says into my hair.
‘I’m fine, thanks, Dad,’ I reply, feeling the hot pricking of tears behind my tightly shut eyelids. It always hurts to see him after such a long time of being apart. He looks older, I realise with a pang. His grey hair has thinned out and his wrinkles seem more pronounced. ‘Where’s Kay?’
‘Here,’ Kay answers me, stepping into the hall. My eyes widen in surprise, but I quickly recover as I sweep her into my arms. She’s grown so tall in the last two years! And so slim and beautiful! She’s no longer a little girl.
She pulls away, slightly embarrassed.
‘How was your flight?’ I ask.
‘Long,’ Kay replies with a wry grin, and a memory comes back to me of that question being asked of me time and time again when I first moved to Australia.
‘I watched five movies on the plane,’ Isabel butts in.
‘Five? Didn’t you get any sleep?’ I fake outrage.
‘Nope,’ she says happily.
‘Hello, Lily.’ It’s Lorraine.
‘Hey!’ I say, going to give her a hug.
‘I thought I’d better come out here as this is clearly where the action is.’ She laughs and indicates the tiny hallway.
‘Sorry, shall we come through?’ I point towards the living room.
‘Yes, come on in. What would you like to drink?’
‘Or should we go straight down to dinner?’ Dad interjects.
‘Dinner, dinner!’ Olivia cries. ‘I’m starving.’
‘Me, too,’ Isabel pipes up. Kay merely shrugs.
‘I’m easy,’ I say. ‘I’ll fall in with you guys.’
‘Listen to you, you’re sounding all Australian these days,’ Lorraine teases.
‘Am I?’
‘No,’ Dad says. ‘You still sound like Lily.’ He wraps his arm around my waist. ‘Go and get your shoes,’ he tells his other daughters. ‘Is it cold outside?’ he asks me.
‘A little. But aren’t we eating in the downstairs restaurant?’
‘Of course.’ He laughs and gives me a squeeze. ‘That’s my girl, always thinking outside the box.’
I blush. He’s still my doting dad and that, it seems, will never change.
*
The next morning, Richard and I rise early and say our goodbyes at the front door. He’s leaving early to hitch a ride with Nathan and Lucy, and I’m going into the city to have breakfast with my family.
‘Be careful,’ I urge. ‘Don’t catch any waves that are taller than me.’
He laughs. ‘I’ll be sitting on the beach sunbathing, then.’
‘That’s what I’d prefer,’ I say, trying not to think about him crashing into rocks or getting up close and personal with a shark.
‘I’ll be careful,’ he promises, giving me a kiss on the tip of my nose. ‘Love you.’
‘Love you, too.’
‘Have a good time with your family.’
‘I will.’
I go straight up to my dad’s flat when I arrive. Olivia answers the door to me.
‘At last. I’m starving, as usual.’ She drags me inside.
‘What time did you get up?’ I ask, surprised.
‘Six o’clock. AGES ago!’
It’s only seven o’clock now.
She leads me through to the living room, where Isabel is engrossed in some children’s programme on the telly. Lorraine is washing up coffee mugs in the small kitchen. My dad is sitting in an armchair, reading the paper.
‘Hello,’ he chirps, getting to his feet with a little effort.
‘Good morning,’ Lorraine calls through.
‘Can we go?’ Olivia pleads.
‘Where’s your sister?’ Lorraine asks.
‘Still getting ready.’
‘Retrieve her and we’ll be off.’ Lorraine nods towards what I assume is Kay’s bedroom, and Olivia hurries away. Dad gives me a kiss and points to the sofa. I sit down next to Isabel.
‘What are you watching?’ I ask.
‘I don’t know what it’s called,’ she murmurs, not dragging her attention away from the kangaroos on the screen. Dad casts his eyes heavenwards for my benefit. I get up and go to peer out of the window. The view reveals the city’s crystalline skyline, and the golden top of Sydney Tower is glinting in the sunshine.
‘She’s still not ready!’ Olivia storms back into the living room and flops down between Isabel and me.
Out of my three sisters, Olivia, aged eleven, and Isabel, nine, look the most alike. Both have shoulder-length, wavy brown hair and slightly rounded features, and both have a little puppy fat. With Kay that’s long gone. Tall and lissom, with long blonde hair, at fifteen, she takes more after Lorraine than my dark-haired dad. Lorraine is a natural blonde – unlike my mum, to her annoyance – and her hair swings around her shoulders with innate straightness. It’s not the type of hair to go frizzy on the ferry either, but obviously I didn’t get my good genes from her.
‘How’s your mum?’ Dad asks me.
‘She’s good.’
‘Anyone on the scene?’
‘I think there might be someone, but she’s not saying anything yet.’
My gaze is automatically drawn to Lorraine in the kitchen and I notice her purse her lips with disapproval. I find it irritating, even though it’s not entirely uncalled-for, but I don’t comment because I never do when it comes to my dad’s wife. Moments later, Kay drags herself from her bedroom dressed in leggings and a purple T-shirt with a rock-style emblem on it. I notice she’s started wearing make-up since I last saw her.
‘Finally!’ Olivia says bossily. ‘Can we go now?’ She jumps to her feet and the rest of us follow suit.
‘What are your plans for today?’ I ask later through a mouthful of French toast.
Dad shrugs. ‘I don’t know. What do you girls want to do?’
‘I want to see some kangaroos,’ Isabel cries.
‘I wouldn’t mind going into the city to look for a swimming costume,’ Lorraine says, adding for my benefit, ‘I left mine in the laundry after my last gym visit.’
‘How annoying,’ I empathise. ‘Well, I could take the girls to the zoo if you like. It’s not far from here.’
‘Yes, yes, yes!’ Isabel bleats.
Dad turns to Olivia and Kay expectantly.
‘That’d be good,’ Olivia agrees.
Kay shrugs. ‘Alright.’
‘In that case,’ Dad decides, ‘I’ll take your mother shopping. I wouldn’t mind having a look for a new watch, myself.’
It’s been over four years since I last came to the zoo and that was also in aid of my sisters. I hadn’t been to a conservation park or anything like it since working with Michael, but I finally conceded on the previous occasion when Isabel wanted to go.
I found that trip hard. Ben once told me he had worked in the zoo here in Sydney and I was on edge the whole time, almost as though I expected to bump into him. This time I need to stop being so ridiculous.
Easier said than done.
Nerves hit me as we walk up to the entrance gates. I pay for our tickets with the money my dad gave me and my hands are shaking as I take the change. This is crazy. He’s not going to be here.
‘Where are the kangaroos?’ Isabel demands as she tries to make sense of the fold-out paper map in her hands.
‘Here.’ I take it from her and scan the diagram. ‘This way.’
‘Can we see the koalas, too?’ Olivia asks worriedly.
‘Of course. We can see everything,’ I answer, willing my anxiety to dissipate.
Usually I walk with my head down, but today I’m on full alert, scanning every face, every person’s profile from behind – just in case.
You’re being stupid.
I know. I can’t help it.
We buy a bag of pellets to feed to the kangaroos and I lead the wa
y into their enclosure, waiting back to shut the gate carefully behind us. Isabel has already cornered an elderly male, sprawled out on his side. My two youngest sisters kneel down on the dirt and delightedly hold out palms full of pellets to feed to the now-interested roo. He reminds me a little of Roy, but Roy had darker ears. I wonder if he’s still alive?
‘Did you really name a koala after Olivia?’ Kay interrupts my thoughts.
‘Yes,’ I reply, smiling. ‘She could have just as easily been named after you, but we flipped a coin.’
We . . .
‘I told you,’ Kay says to her sister. Olivia glances up, but quickly returns her attention to the kangaroo.
‘I’m surprised you remember,’ I say to Kay. ‘You were only four at the time.’
‘I wanted you to name her after me, that’s why.’ She gives me a pointed look.
‘I’m sorry. I thought there would be more orphaned koalas.’
‘I suppose it’s a good thing there weren’t,’ she concedes.
‘That’s true.’ I touch her arm affectionately. ‘So how are you? How are things?’
‘What things?’
‘Have you got a boyfriend?’
‘Straight to the point!’ she exclaims and I try to keep a straight face.
‘Yes, and his name is Charlie,’ Isabel chips in gleefully, alerted to our conversation.
‘Shut up!’ Kay snaps. ‘I’m not going out with him,’ she tells me and I nod encouragingly.
‘But she wishes she was,’ Olivia interjects.
‘Shhh!’ Kay frowns with annoyance. I take a few steps back from the girls and motion for Kay to do the same.
‘Is he good-looking?’ I ask conspiratorially, and her frown turns into a dreamy smile.
‘Very.’
‘Do you think he likes you?’
She shrugs. ‘It’s hard to tell.’
‘What are the signs?’
‘Well, he asked me if he could borrow my pen during maths.’
‘Right.’
‘He could just as easily have asked his best friend Lee, but he didn’t.’
‘That’s a very good sign,’ I agree.
‘And I catch him looking at me sometimes.’
