by Annie Kagan
I Googled “Barnabus.” The first search result said:
Saint Barnabas (1st century), born Joseph
Joseph! I couldn't read another word. Being told that we had permission to write the book, actually seeing Billy for the first time, and this proof about St. Barnabas being named Joseph—all of it sent my brain into overload.
Did having permission mean I was now obligated to tell the whole world about Billy? Was Billy trying to persuade me by making me feel special, saying even Houdini couldn't do what we were doing? Having conversations with a dead person wasn't something I wanted to be special at.
My brother wasn't the only one who could be rebellious.
SIXTEEN
Blue-White Sphere
I knew Billy could no longer speak to me directly. Since he started becoming the Universe, I had to focus on the blue light that appeared above my bed in the mornings, or I couldn't hear him. It was like a cosmic radio—to hear the broadcast I had to tune in. I decided to ignore the light, at least until I figured out what to do next.
For days I pretended not to see the light above my bed. Then one afternoon I walked out my front door and was shocked to see Billy above me, a pale transparent figure, floating like a cumulus cloud in the sky. He wore a white robe and was reading a large book that he held open in his hands, a book with a red leather cover just like the red notebook he had given me. Was my imagination creating cartoons, or was Billy using his new body to get my attention? And who was giving him permission to do that? Whatever it was, ignoring Billy was no longer an option. The next morning when I saw the blue light I tuned in.
Thank you for honoring me by finally sitting down at your computer to write my words. Were you surprised to see me in the sky yesterday, with the red notebook in my hands? Having my new body does give me certain advantages [laughs].
How can I describe the blue-white sphere? Picture your own sun blazing about twenty feet above your head, so big it covers the entire sky. This sphere is made of light, not fire, and instead of being yellow, its white core turns sapphire as it radiates out. It's so powerful that if you were anywhere in its vicinity, your flesh would evaporate in a nanosecond. Since my new body is made from its light, that's not a problem for me.
All beings on earth carry the light from this sphere within them. That's why spiritual philosophies say that we are one. Where I am, this isn't just a theory. I see the blue-white light everywhere, in everything—in me, as well as in you.
The light from the sphere propels your soul into your body when you're in the womb. It then becomes the invisible force that gives you life. And when the time is right, this same light launches your soul right up into the healing chamber at the moment of your so-called death.
And, just like me, one day you will get a gorgeous new body made of the light from the blue-white sphere. Then, instead of carrying the light inside you, the light will carry you inside it. That will happen when you're living where I am now, in a realm that has no shadows.
In your world, as the earth moves around the sun, there's nothing but shadow for a good part of the time. The mystery of life on earth cannot exist without the shadow element. You cannot have the sea without storms, the earth without quakes, the wind without tornados. On earth, when the light rises, the darkness comes with it. Where there is light, there is shadow . . . unless it's midday. But it can't always be midday, Princess. And sometimes—sometimes darkness is okay too. Don't overlook the riches contained in the darkness. Life's very temporary, so don't let time just pass. Let the moments fill you—the ones you judge to be good as well as bad.
Remember, the blue-white light is always inside you. And every day, by remembering it, you feed it, and it will grow. When life is joyous, the light will be there. When there is hardship, the light will also be there.
I know you're afraid that things will go wrong. They will. It's like that on earth. We're all permitted our pain, but pain is a transitory state. My transition was to death, to this comfort and love I now receive in every molecule of my being. Know that the shadow is illusory and temporary. Bliss, ultimately bliss and light, are the truer and stronger reality.
Who but you could I tell these secrets to, my darling? Who but you could share my journey through the worlds beyond? And who but you could help me write this book?
After transcribing the above, I was almost shaking. This time, instead of making me euphoric, the energy intensified my inner conflict. Billy, Joseph, and whoever else in their dimension gives permission for this kind of thing wanted me to do something I wasn't ready for. But if I said no to the book, would I be denying the wishes of a higher realm? Would there be consequences?
I went outside, hoping to see my brother in the sky again, but he wasn't there. This was one of the few times I would speak to Billy out loud.
“I'm sorry, Billy,” I said, “but I can't do this. I don't want to write this book with you. It scares me. I don't know why, but whenever I think of your book being published I feel terrified. If people were supposed to know what happens after death, it wouldn't still be such a big mystery, would it?” I was close to tears. “I'm sorry to disappoint you, I love hearing you, I love listening to you, but I can't write this book. Please don't stop visiting me.”
SEVENTEEN
Quantum
When I woke up the next morning, I studied the ceiling for even a hint of blue light, but there was none. Not that morning, or the next, or the one after that. In an effort to coax a visit from Billy, I started sitting at my computer just after dawn, looking out my glass doors and up at the sky.
A little more than a week later, Billy appeared in the sky again, this time doing an impersonation of a bad-boy angel. A sparkly toy halo, like one you'd buy at a party store, sat crooked on his head; he had an exaggerated saintly expression on his face. Every once in a while he'd look at the red notebook in his hands and make faces as if he were reading the most interesting, surprising words ever written. This was exactly the way Billy would fool around when he was alive. Even though what I was seeing made me question my sanity, I was glad he was there.
For the next few days, when I was outside, Billy the bad-boy angel would often pop up. I'd be walking in town, talking to an acquaintance, putting gas in my car—and there he'd be, hamming it up in the sky. He appeared when other people were around, but I was the only one who could see him. It was our secret.
After three or four days of this, when I woke up and saw Billy's light above my bed, I went straight to my computer and tuned in.
I know one of the reasons you're hesitant to share these writings is because you want to protect our relationship from ridicule, and I thank you for that. But darling, there isn't anything to protect really, is there? All we're doing is telling the story. Let it be up to each individual to take it or leave it. Some people will believe it's true. Others will say “perhaps,” but “perhaps” is a big improvement over “no way.”
Everyone on earth is eternal, but they don't know it. They may sort of believe it, but they don't know it. That's because it's too much to know. Eternity is not a concept the mind can grasp. You can try to imagine it, but then, not being able to experience it, your mind says, “Yeah, I think it's a terrific story, maybe true,” but ultimately it rejects what it cannot understand. That's because it isn't your mind that can grasp all of this. It's something much bigger and more real than your mind.
Let's take you, for example. Even though you're the one having these experiences, you still don't completely accept the whole thing, do you? Why? Because your earthliness is rising up against the reality of me talking to you from a different sphere. Darling, this is more than a book. I want to help you and others expand your consciousness. Make a quantum leap.
What do I mean by that? Well, let me give you Billy's version of quantum—quantum in a few easy steps. What's the shortest distance between two points, the quickest way to get from here to there? Is it a straight line? Not really, because you're already in both places. People say you can
't be in two places at the same time, but they're wrong. Wherever you want to go, you're already there. And wherever you don't want to go [laughs], you're already there too. Quantum requires keeping your focus on where you want to go.
What's a quantum leap? It means that a change in perspective is a powerful thing. It means that the way you see something can actually change that something. The experiment you're so fond of, Schrödinger's cat, is about quantum. Basically, it postulates (you like that word?) that how you observe something changes that something.
Schrödinger's Cat—Billy's Version
Daddy didn't care for cats, wanted nothing to do with them. When Daddy looked at a cat, he saw a mean creature with long, sharp claws. You look at a cat and see heaven. Do you think that might affect the cat?
Quantum usually applies to subatomic particles, not to people. But people are actually vast universes of subatomic particles, and sometimes a shift in perspective makes the particles do a different dance, leap into a new reality. That's why I'm saying viewpoint is everything. Okay, not everything, but a lot.
I've been standing in the sky for days, impersonating an angel in order to get you to take yourself a little less seriously, sit at your computer again and write. For me, days are an eternity. Wow—eternity, Annie, think about it. Don't worry, Greta Garbo. I'm not talking about an eternal life on earth [laughs]. This is different.
If you want to make a quantum leap, build a bridge with me between your world and mine. Take a chance. Shift your viewpoint about writing this book and come on this journey with me. Because if you could escape the smallness of your mind and live in the dimension of my blessings, if you could dance this dance with me, you would experience something you've barely imagined, something you've dipped your toe into now and again. Instead of a toe, let's try to get you to come in up to your ankles, then your knees, then your thighs, then your waist. Little by little, let's get you to come into the ocean of your Divine Essence.
Billy was doing the same thing he did when he was alive: using his humor and charm to get what he wanted. His silly angel imitation got me thinking that maybe writing this book wasn't as serious as I was making it. Floating around the sky as a bad-boy angel was Billy's way of saying, “So what! No big deal! Don't worry about it. Come out and play.”
Since Billy's death, I had become more and more isolated. I kept my answering machine on all the time and only took calls from friends who knew about Billy. When it came to everyone else, how could I act normal when I didn't feel normal? I found excuses not to see people. Maybe my Universe had expanded, but my physical world had definitely shrunk. I was molting inside the Billy secret.
After Billy dictated his notes, he invited me to come to the bay. Now that I could see Billy as well as hear him, it was almost as though he was a friend who lived down the street.
The day was warm, with a wild breeze. I put on a red bathing suit I hadn't worn in years and strolled down the steps to the water. Just as I reached the shore, there was Billy, unmistakable, in the sky. He was in angel mode again, luminous and white-robed, so transparent he was almost invisible, raising his hands above me, pouring down blessings. He kept repeating:
The world is your oyster
The world is your oyster
You are the pearl
And the oyster
I saw silvery sparkles everywhere. Even though I was wearing sunglasses, the light was so bright I was afraid that when the blessing was over I would discover that I had gone blind. Eyes half closed, I waded tentatively across the pebbled bottom into the calm, warm water of the bay. As I floated on my back, eyes shut tight, I whispered my new mantra, “I am the pearl and the oyster.”
When I got home, I took a magazine from the mailbox and flipped open the cover. On the first page was an ad showing a blonde in a gold gown slumped against the floor of an oyster bar. The bar and floor were covered with huge piles of discarded oyster shells. The exhausted woman was staring at an object she held between her fingers. When I looked closer, I saw that it was an oversized sparkling pearl.
EIGHTEEN
Supra World
The day after I received Billy's pearl in the oyster blessing, I woke up feeling like I had a wicked hangover. When the energy from Billy's world got intense, it scared me. I wasn't afraid of the energy, exactly. I was afraid of the crash that followed after I'd traveled between his world and mine.
People who've had near-death experiences often say they didn't want to return to this world because the one beyond felt so much better. When Billy visits, I'm enveloped by a higher atmosphere. But unlike my brother, when he's finished talking, I have to come back to earth, and it isn't easy. Billy is radiating with bliss. I have a cold. He's wearing holy robes. I'm doing laundry. He's floating around becoming the Universe. I'm stuck in traffic. I'm restless. Time's passing and I still don't know what I'm doing with my life. Billy lives beyond time where moments flow into one another and he never has to think about what to do next.
Billy let me know he understood what I was going through.
Every time the presence of my world gets really strong, you get scared something bad will happen to you. Don't worry. The light from my world won't harm you, Princess.
There are many worlds, and the afterlife has many forms. Where you go, who you meet, and where you meet them is different for different people. When Daddy died, after he went through the healing chamber, he didn't find himself floating through the Universe like I did. He made an extra stop on his journey up the cosmic elevator. He landed in a place that more closely resembles people's ideas about heaven. Let's call it the Supra World.
The Supra World is a very accommodating place. Things there are designed for the comfort of the newly dead soul. One of the things people do in that world is learn to let go of certain fears—fear of death, fear of not having a body, fear of punishment. And in most cases the newly dead have a strong desire for reunion with the people they loved on earth. The Supra World is where that happens.
Daddy wasn't afraid of death but he was really looking forward to seeing his parents and his three brothers, who had all died before him. During the last months of Daddy's life, when cancer was taking him, he told you his mother and father were nearby, making his passing sweet, even though he was in a lot of pain. They were as real to him as I am to you now.
After he died, Daddy reunited with his parents and his brothers in a way he had imagined many times. When you meet your wife or husband or family or friends, or even your pets (yes, you can meet all your cats), it's more loving than it was on earth. I know this sounds idealized, and it is idealized. That's because the Supra World is built on the world of human ideas.
Do people have to wait in the Supra World until everyone who wants to see them has died before they can move on? No. It doesn't happen like that. You see, after you're dead you're able to be in more than one place at a time.
So, for example, even though I've never even been there, when Mommy dies I will meet her in the Supra World and give her all the love she always wanted from me. From my higher realm I can visit all the levels below, so the Billy suitable for the Supra World will meet Mommy there. This visiting phenomenon shouldn't be too hard for you to imagine. I'm hundreds of light years beyond where you are but I can still visit with you—right?
Aside from reunions, the Supra World is also the place where the newly dead play out strong beliefs they had about death while they were alive. It's like a spool of ribbon unwinding. The spool gets thinner as the beliefs are played out. At first, the Supra World death drama— with its angels, pearly gates, harps, and such—is very fulfilling. As a person gets more familiar with the new atmosphere, these ideas lose their grip. Beliefs are kind of like toys. As you grow up, you lose your fascination with them and they get discarded.
Beliefs are big on earth. People collect them. Some of these beliefs are helpful, but others just keep you running around trying to follow rules that others have laid down. They don't have a lot of personal meaning. It's a
good idea to sort through your beliefs now and then and throw out the ones that don't serve you.
Everyone who dies eventually leaves the Supra World and goes on to watch their hologram projected onto the virtually enhanced screen of the Universe. But they won't watch it through human eyes, through the lens of good and bad, as they saw it on earth. By the time you're ready to view your life, you've left behind a lot of human concepts and you're looking through divinecolored glasses. Humans don't usually get to experience the full magnificence of their lives while they're living it. They get caught up in lots of ideas and lose sight of the miracle that is their life.
I wasn't really afraid of death, and by the time I died there was no one in particular I wanted to meet. I also didn't have a lot of beliefs left, spiritual or otherwise. Everything had been lost during my last few years on earth, except my longing for God, and the feeling that there was something big waiting for me when my life was over. I skipped the Supra World completely. It's very pleasant there really, but nowhere near as blissful as where I went. People usually need to be prepared for that kind of bliss. No one had to prepare me. I was ready for ecstasy.
Why I chose to walk my particular path on earth is beyond human understanding. Why would anyone go down that road? Well, for me, the drama of my drug addiction was one of the most interesting parts of my life. It was a very important struggle. And in my case, losing prepared me for a big win. I couldn't know it then, but my ordeal on earth was getting me ready for what was to come.
You see, after hologram review most people don't go on to becoming the Universe. But don't worry, that's fine with them. It's different here than it is on earth. No one wants to go someplace other than where they're going. Some souls go back to your planet to reincarnate and others go to places in the afterworlds to develop more and prepare for the becoming the Universe experience. You wouldn't be able to tolerate that event if you weren't ready for it.
