I was still marveling at his appetite. "You mean when you put a move on her she rebuked you, exactly as I taught her to? Good girl!"
"I mean she's a cold fish." He sopped his biscuit in more honey. "She's out. Definitely not the perfect match."
The table was small and intimate. Our knees brushed. I slid my foot between his and "accidentally" played footsie with him. He teased me back, dropping his napkin and caressing my leg when he bent to pick it up.
The game was on, had been on, since the beginning. It was tease and be teased. Go to the line and retreat. Act innocent. Begin again.
"Am I right? She's not the one?"
"You're right," I agreed. "Not the one."
We hiked to the falls in a falling mist with our breath so thick around us it made a cloud as we discussed the business and the romantic trials of our clients. He seemed to have as much fun discussing relationships as I did. And he had good instincts and gave good advice. At his heart, at his all-important core, Lazer was a man with a sympathetic heart. He was a romantic. A people person. And keenly curious and interested in the human psyche and affairs of the heart.
He held my hand down the steep trails slick with wet and mud. Once, I slid and fell into his arms. Our eyes met and held. The desire showed there, but the rules were the rules.
I knew mine. They were very firm. I was holding to them. I'd already screwed up. Twice. Badly. Telling him I loved him, that was the worst. He'd have to make the move next time. He'd have to be willing to risk the business for us. Risk putting himself out there. Until he was ready to do that, I wouldn't put myself out there again.
"Let me see," he said as we watched the roaring, misting falls from the observation deck at the foot of them. "Vanessa, Elizabeth, and the other two who left, Danika, that leaves ten women. My odds of finding my perfect match are getting better with each date."
The way he said it almost made me suspect he knew the match was me. Then again, he was known for pulling my chain. I pushed the thought away. He didn't know. He couldn't know. And even if he suspected, he wasn't making a move. He hadn't put himself out there on the line and exposed his heart or decided to make a commitment.
I had a moment of panic. He was right, of course. But I couldn't let him find me by process of elimination too soon. Not until he'd realized I was not only his perfect match, but the woman he should be with forever.
I smiled at him. "Why rush things? I think it's time to give Seattle women a chance at you. Show the locals they have a shot at winning your hand. For the business."
He grinned back at me. "Cheater."
I raised an eyebrow. "Are you ready to settle down?"
He shook his head.
I shrugged. "See what I mean?"
Our Saturdays became a habit I looked forward to too much. We hiked. He showed me the sights. We talked. And though I hated to admit it, he became my confidant. A friend I couldn't imagine not having.
The topic of Thanksgiving came up. We discussed our plans.
"I always spend Thanksgiving with friends," I told him when he asked. I had an idea. "Have you ever seen the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade in person?"
He hadn't.
"My friends have an apartment on the parade route. We see the parade from several stories up," I said. "Come to New York with me. Come with me as my guest. You'll love it."
Why was I begging him? I'd just violated my own rule.
"I'd love to." He paused. "But my mom would kill me." He laughed. "According to Mom, I owe her two nights a year where I spend the night—Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve. Until I'm married, those belong to her."
"Mama's boy?" I teased.
"Devoted son."
I went to New York alone. Well, not exactly alone. With the majority of the women. I watched the parade with friends who were full of a million questions about Seattle, Lazer, the business. I missed Lazer more than I liked to admit. I took a video of the parade on my phone and sent it to him. Happy Thanksgiving. See what you're missing.
He texted back a selfie of him hugging his mother. Mom says hi. He followed up with a picture of a well-dressed turkey and a beautiful pumpkin pie.
I had a tradition. One I'd had for the last five years and made on my own. A tradition I wished with all my heart had never been necessary. On the Saturday of Thanksgiving weekend, I took the train from New York and went to Arlington National Cemetery to visit Ruck.
It was always a bittersweet moment. Thanksgiving had been our holiday. We had our traditions, our patter, our grand beginning to the holiday season. Ruck had always presented me with an advent calendar. Something different every year. Sometimes a cheap one with bad chocolates. Sometimes something more complicated. One year he bought me a dozen cheap chocolate advent calendars so I could count down the days until his leave all year long.
I brought a bouquet of fresh flowers. White roses, like I carried at our wedding. They always looked appropriate and as pure as our love had been. A gentle snow was falling, making the entire place white. Only the ribbon and stems of my roses would show up on his grave. The never-ending white masking the rows of white gravestones made finding Ruck's grave that much more challenging, even with my app. The sameness of the graves was a powerful statement of sacrifices made for the country. I blinked back tears.
I was struck, as always, at the irony of the place. How many people knew the history of Arlington?
It had been the home, the estate, complete with mansion, of Civil War general Robert E. Lee. It belonged to his wife, Mary Custis Lee, the adopted granddaughter of George Washington. The Union seized it during the war. Technically, the government bought it at auction when Mary Lee couldn't appear in person to pay the taxes they levied on it. As soon as the Union bought it, they turned it into a cemetery for Union soldiers. Pretty much ensuring the Lees would never want it back.
Now it was hallowed ground. Reserved for burying heroes. Maybe the first president's granddaughter would be proud of it now.
My steps were heavier than usual. I had to talk to Ruck about a difficult subject. Yes, I knew only his body was here. But it gave me comfort to talk to his grave. Still, this year I wasn't sure how to broach the subject on my mind.
My app guided me directly to his grave. Without it, it was too easy to take a wrong turn in all the sameness. It was quiet around Ruck. I was the only visitor. I brushed the snow off his headstone with a gloved hand and laid the flowers on his grave according to protocol.
I'd put my wedding ring back on for this visit. I didn't want him to "see" me without it. Even though he wouldn't have seen it as more than a bulge in my gloved hand. But it seemed right. And suddenly seemed awkward, at the same time. Especially given what I had to say.
I stood there for the longest time, tears running down my cheeks. How did you tell a husband, even a dead husband, you were in love with another man?
"Everything's a mess," I said, faltering, trying to start with something more innocuous. Something I wanted to share with him and needed his help with. "Sometimes I think I've made the biggest mistake of my life. Sometimes the challenge is overwhelming." I paused. "Sometimes I'm overjoyed I have my heart back and can feel love again and the passion for life has returned." Just dancing around the topic made me nervous.
"But to be honest, sometimes I'm not sure what I'm doing in Seattle. I'm not like you. Confident, never second-guessing my choices." I rested my hand on his gravestone. "I wish I had your courage and convictions. Maybe that's part of why I come here. So I can draw on yours. I wish you could tell me what to do."
I hesitated, half hoping for a sign. "You'd be proud of me. I'm expanding like I've dreamed of. I have world domination in my sights." I laughed softly, picturing him laughing with me. World domination was an inside joke with us.
"My new business, Pair Us" I spelled it out. "Yeah, I'm sure you think the name is hysterical. Stop laughing." My sudden smile was genuine. Ruck had always liked a pun. I took a deep breath and blew it out in the frosty air, picturing him
, as always, beside me.
"The failure is my fault," I said slowly. "I overestimated my abilities. Yes, I know I just said I needed your confidence. But arrogance is another thing. You would have warned me to consider all sides of the situation. Your logic and critical thinking would have helped, you know. You would have realized that insisting on having a billionaire in the dating pool would throw off all the normal dynamics of a matchmaking business and make things impossible."
My pulse started to gallop. I was holding back my true thoughts. From Ruck. Who always forgave me. Who always understood. Who loved me despite my faults.
"Okay, I was greedy. I was overly ambitious. But you know that about me. I was thinking with my…heart, not my head—" I stopped myself. This wasn't the right way to tell him. I wanted him to like Lazer.
This was the first time things had been awkward between Ruck and me here since I got over my initial anger at him dying and leaving me. I stared at his headstone, willing him to understand, and felt a little calmer and less anxious.
"Okay, you're right. Maybe I simply underestimated the differences between Seattle men and Manhattan women. I can't seem to make a match that works. But I can fix it, right?"
I spilled all of my business worries to him. I realized that I was talking a lot about Lazer and should probably explain. "Who's this Lazer? You're probably wondering about him. He's my business partner, the billionaire I mentioned."
I frowned. "He's impossible. A playboy. The exact opposite of a person you'd expect to open a matchmaking service and fund a matchmaking app. But he's a paradox. Complex. Funny."
I relaxed into a soft smile. "He has a sense of humor, surprisingly, like yours. He thinks critically. He knows his business stuff." I relaxed and told Ruck everything about Lazer, watching as my words filled the air with mist.
It was almost symbolic seeing my feelings about Lazer hover around Ruck's grave. Two men, neither really here, but both controlling my heart. Two men who could have been friends hanging out, dancing around each other, competing for me.
"He's impossible," I finally said, with a small snort of a laugh. "But I think you'd like him. I hope you'd like him…and…approve." My voice had grown very soft.
I ran my hand over Ruck's name carved in the headstone. "As you've probably guessed, he's my perfect match."
I swallowed a lump and wiped my eyes. I couldn't tell Ruck that Lazer was probably a better match for me than he'd been. That I was pretty sure Ruck and I were off on a few compatibility points. Which changed nothing. Our love story had been epic and our marriage fantastic. I'd love him forever. Wasn't perfect subjective anyway?
I sighed, delaying what I'd really meant to say. Working up the courage. When I finally spoke, it was in a small, soft voice filled with as much gentleness and kindness as I could, and a desperate plea for understanding. "As you've probably guessed, I'm in love with him."
The admission hung in the air, white breath above Ruck's grave. I watched it float toward heaven. And waited with tears in my eyes.
"I'm not sure he loves me," I finally whispered. "I think he does. But he hasn't said. Maybe he's the fool. Maybe I am.
"There's passion. Fierce passion. And friendship. He's my best friend!" I pounded the gravestone, startled by the revelation and angry with it at the same time. It nearly broke me.
My best friend. Yes, somehow Lazer had sneaked up on me and become the person I turned to.
"Damn it, Ruck, he's become my best friend. You were my best friend, but you left me. I didn't want for this to happen. I didn't want another friend. If you were here—"
I took a shaky breath, fighting to regain control of myself. "I need your blessing. I need your advice. If you were alive, you'd know what to do and what to say. Then again, I wouldn't be in this situation."
I un-balled my fists and stretched my fingers. "It's this damn game he and I are playing, Ruck. It's either going to break my heart or end in a happily-ever-after. Is it worth the risk?
"You and I never played games like this. We were so straightforward with each other." I took a deep breath.
"I'll always love you." I sniffed and dabbed my nose with a tissue. "But I love him, too. Is loving him worth the risk? Do I take the chance on him? Tell me, Ruck. Tell me what to do."
"You've fallen in love with someone else?" The soft female voice startled me.
I'd been so absorbed I hadn't heard her approach. I turned as she put a hand on my shoulder. I recognized her. But I couldn't remember her name. I wondered if I ever knew it. She was the widow of a soldier a few graves down. She came on the holidays, too. Like me. I'd seen her several times. We seldom spoke. Our grief had been too private and fragile.
She made a sympathetic face. "I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to eavesdrop."
"My fault," I said. "I wasn't exactly trying not to be heard."
She dropped her voice. "I heard the last part." Her eyes were sympathetic. Her nose was red from the cold. But her eyes were bright.
She pulled her glove off her left hand and flashed an engagement ring at me. "It's been five years for us—you and me and them. You and I have held out longer than most of the other widows."
She grabbed me by the arms and looked me in the eye. "He's a soldier. He understands. They all do." She sounded so confidant, not like she just needed to believe it like I did. But like she actually did.
"They were brave. They were fierce." She made a fist and shook it. "They knew the risks. All the risks." She swept one arm, indicating the expanse of the cemetery. "They knew this was part of it. A possibility."
She released my arm and twisted her engagement ring almost self-consciously. "And so was this." She met my eye. "It took courage to die for their country." She paused again. "It took guts to know that if it happened, we'd move on and love again." Her eyes sparkled with tears. "We're brave, too. You can do this."
I blinked back tears. "Congratulations."
She nodded, wiggled her ring finger, smiled softly at it, and slipped her glove on.
Impulsively, I hugged her. We hugged each other tightly.
"Thank you. Thank you," I whispered to her and Ruck.
"You got this."
Which was what Ruck always said. And to be honest, I wasn't sure it wasn't him speaking now.
Chapter 12
Ashley
Lazer sent his private plane to bring Lottie and me back to Seattle from Manhattan. The weather was bad that Sunday, so we flew back on Monday morning. Lazer said he was sending a car to take us directly to the office for an urgent staff meeting. To my surprise, Lazer met us himself in one of his many cars.
The sight of him brought a smile to my lips. Why did he always look so damn good?
After talking to Ruck, I felt less guilty for my reaction to Lazer. But no less reckless. Fate could still hand me my heart on a platter. I wasn't at all sure that that wasn't what it intended. But for the moment, I let the sight of him warm my still-beating heart and fill me with the blush of love.
He hugged Lottie then me, lingering on me. Our eyes met.
I wanted to say I missed you. And longed to hear him echo it back to me. Instead, I teased him. "Your mama released you?"
He laughed. "Until Christmas Eve. But she's happy for now." He loaded our luggage into the trunk, then opened the front passenger car door for me and the back for Lottie. "The guys are eagerly waiting at the office."
"The guys took the time off from the 'real' jobs?" I was surprised and tried to gauge what this meant. Good news or bad? Lazer seemed upbeat enough, but you never could tell with him.
"Yeah. We're going to have to make them fulltime before their current employers fire their asses." He laughed.
The men were waiting for us when we arrived.
"There they are!" Austin jumped up and hugged Lottie and me.
It was hugs all around. I was struck again by the sense of community and family I had with the men. If you love a man's friends in this way, it should mean the man is perfect for you. If on
ly Lazer would realize that.
"How was everyone's holiday?" I asked as I peeled off my coat and hung it on the rack in the corner of the conference room.
I was met by five huge grins.
"What?" I said, heart pounding. "What's happened?"
The men looked to Austin.
"We did it." Austin's face lit up. "We fixed the security bugs. We're back on track."
I think I squealed. Some kind of squeak came out of me. "That's awesome! I think I love you all." I looked around at them. They were dying to give me the details. "Tell me all about it."
After they finished, I asked the million-dollar question: "Does this mean we can take it to the next level and offer the beta to Seattle at large?"
The men looked at Lazer.
He was grinning. "We've been waiting for the women to get back. We'll run it through a few more days of testing with them, and then it's look out, Seattle, here we come."
After our meeting, Lazer caught me and asked to meet with him in his office upstairs.
He got right to the point. "We've dropped the ball with matching the guys—"
"You mean I have." I felt defensive. And guilty. And frustrated.
"I mean we have." He walked to his window and looked out over the lake. "You, and any woman they marry, will have to understand that's the way it is with them. With startups. With business. With gamers and coders. They get absorbed."
"Are you firing me?" My mouth went dry.
He shook his head. "Why would you think that?" He frowned like I was a puzzle to him. "Just giving you fair warning as we head into the next phase of testing. The guys are going to be busy and preoccupied until we get this app out there."
He paused. "It was my fault. We jumped the gun. I should have realized the app would take over their lives. We need to reboot with our efforts to find them wives."
I nodded, relieved. "Absolutely."
"How busy is December and the holiday season for the matchmaking business?" He shook his head at himself. "I suppose I should have asked earlier. I really should know the business cycle of a venture I'm involved in."
Dating Lazer: The Billionaire Matchmaker, Part Four Page 12
