Mum’s eyes narrowed. ‘Hi, son, what’s going on? Is everything okay?’
He shook his head, hating that his throat was so tight he didn’t know if he could manage words.
‘Do you want to go into the kitchen? I’ll make us all a cup of tea, hey?’
He nodded.
When they were seated around the table, cups of tea before them, he blurted, ‘I take it back.’
Mum shared a glance with Tony, then they both stared at him.
‘I take it back. It was the wrong decision, I can’t even begin to explain.’
Mum’s eyes widened as she rested a hand over her heart. ‘The wrong decision? About the farm?’ Hope glowed in her voice and his shoulders relaxed the tiniest amount to hear it. Perhaps he was capable of rectifying this situation.
‘I made my original decision the moment I heard from Jager the day Mrs Mitchell died. The answer was so clear, I thought it had to be right.’ He shook his head. ‘But it wasn’t. I know that now.’
‘How can you be sure?’ Tony asked, then sipped at his hot cup of tea.
‘I’ve loved this farm from the moment I moved here. How this place makes me feel, working up close with the animals, the scent, the sound, the sense of peace it gives me …’ He slapped his chest with his palm. ‘It’s everything to me. My saviour …’
Mum’s brow furrowed. ‘Your saviour? I don’t understand.’
That tightness moved from his throat down into his chest. His stomach tumbled. ‘I need to tell you about something. Something that happened to me that I’ve not ever had the courage to admit.’ All that ancient shame and anger prickled under his skin, made his blood burn. This would upset his mother; he knew it, but he could no longer hide it. He needed it out in the open, so he could move on from it once and for all.
‘When I was living away playing football, I was bullied.’ He shook his head, lowered his gaze, hating how that word sounded on his tongue. It held so many attached connotations—he was weak, worthless, undeserved.
Mum shifted in her chair. Two lines of tension sat between her brows and she gripped her mug tightly between her hands.
He inhaled deeply, mustering all the courage he had. His tongue felt thick and dry. The words were so hard to form.
‘What is it, son?’ Tony asked.
His brows shot up—Tony had never called him son before. Tears pricked the back of his eyes, but he blinked them away quickly.
Mum reached over the table and rested her hand on his. ‘We’re not here to judge you.’
He wiped at a lone tear with his free hand. ‘A teammate, the one who made my life hell … He, um, one night, tried to …’ Anders swallowed down the sharp plum-sized stone in his throat. ‘He tried to rape me.’
Mum gasped, her hands flinging to her mouth.
Tony’s eyes widened.
‘I managed to overpower him. I beat him. I hurt him … severely.’ He lowered his gaze. ‘Growing up with a father like mine in those early years affected me more than I’ve shown or admitted. After I came back from Melbourne, I was no longer myself. I was afraid to be me. Because I was afraid I was like Dad. I felt so out of control. I had so much shame. I could barely look you both in the eye. But mostly, I thought I had deserved what happened to me.’
Mum shook her head. Her eyes were red and wet from tears.
‘So I moved out. I needed to get some control back and thought that if I was the one making all the decisions, living my own life, I could do that. And that way I didn’t have to look you both in the eye every day and feel like I wasn’t good enough for you.’
‘Oh, Anders.’ Mum frowned. ‘You need to know … Look at me.’
He lifted his gaze.
Mum looked him straight in the eye; sympathy and pain sat in their depths. ‘I would never, and I have never ever, looked at you and seen anyone other than a kind, compassionate, strong, sensible man. You are more than I could ever have hoped for. And I love you with all my heart. That won’t ever change, you hear me? Ever.’
Anders blew out a long, wavering breath and nodded.
‘Same goes for me,’ Tony said. ‘The best thing that has ever happened in my life was becoming a part of this family. You’ve been a son to me through and through. It has never mattered that we’re not blood. And not once did I think you weren’t good enough. Not once.’
Anders nodded. ‘I couldn’t see it. I had too much—’ he tapped his head, ‘—bullshit in here, clouding my thoughts.’
Mum stood and came around the table. She pressed her hand under his arm, urging him to stand. He did so, and she threw her arms around him. Her head pressed against his chest. ‘I’m so sorry you went through that. And I’m so sorry that I wasn’t there for you afterwards.’
‘You didn’t know,’ he said into her hair.
‘I should have known. I should have seen.’
He shook his head. ‘You are not to feel guilty over this. No-one is. I hid away. You weren’t to know. That’s the way I needed it to be at the time.’
She lifted her head from his chest and looked into his eyes. Tears streaked her cheeks. ‘Thank you for telling us. I know that was difficult for you. But together, we can work it out. We will help you any way you need, okay?’
He managed a watery smile. ‘I’m going to get some professional help. I think that’s the first step.’
She nodded. ‘I agree.’
‘But I also want to take you up on your offer about the farm.’
She took a step back from him. ‘Are you sure?’
‘Very. My original decision came from a place of fear and shame. I said no because I didn’t want to risk letting you guys down. Taking over this farm is an honour, but it’s also a big task. Third generation. I can’t screw it up. But I’m ready. I want this. It’s my true path. And it’s my true passion.’
Mum’s shoulders relaxed. Her words were breathless. ‘You don’t know how much I have wanted to hear that.’
He chuckled. ‘You and me both.’
‘I think it’s the right decision,’ Tony said. ‘And, of course, we will help you for as long as you need with the transition. We’re not just going to throw you in the deep end.’
‘Thank you,’ he said. ‘Thank you, both. This means a lot to me.’
Mum threw her arms around him again. ‘To me too.’
Over the next few weeks, Anders started seeing a counsellor, gave notice to his employer and set about doing maintenance to his house, so that it was in the best condition to sell. No use keeping his home when he would be moving into the farmhouse. Besides, he needed to untie the funds to pay for the title transfer costs.
Mum came over during the week and added splashes of femininity where required, in the form of fresh cut roses in colourful vases, pictures and a more neutral bedspread to appeal to the broader market.
She spoke with him at great lengths about what happened to him in Melbourne, and in a way, the more he gave it voice, the better he began to feel.
Saturday morning, he invited Emily over to inspect the property, take photos and make notes. They discussed a market price and signed contracts.
‘Work your magic, Em,’ he said when finished and he had walked her out to her car.
‘I’ll try my absolute hardest.’
‘And tell Wil I’ll catch up with him tomorrow. I want to see what I’m up against if I want to diversify on the farm, kind of like what he’s done.’
‘He’ll be more than happy to offer advice.’
She drove away and he headed back inside. The silence in his home closed in around him. He missed Neve. He always missed Neve.
Often, he hated himself for standing so strong on refusing to be strung along in a relationship that didn’t have a future, but he needed to get on with his life. It had taken a long, hard road to realising that he deserved to be loved in return. Now, he would accept nothing less, no matter how much Neve meant to him.
Easier said than done.
Anders filed his paperwork aw
ay, then headed up to Don’s place to let him know that he had listed his house on the market, so Don didn’t get a shock when he saw the For Sale sign.
Anders was sad to be leaving Don and this area. It was like everything was changing all at once and nothing he could do would stop it, so he had to get on the offensive and outrun it.
The dairy would be a new frontier for him, and he wanted to grab it by the balls and do his best. Kind of how he approached everything in his life.
Everything except Neve. But that was an entirely different, much more complicated scenario. That situation involved emotions and hearts and heavy baggage, and it cast a dull glow over all else.
As he strode back from Don’s, his heart wrenched thinking about her. Nothing hurt more than loving someone who didn’t love you back.
It wasn’t until he was halfway up the driveway and he had focused enough on his surroundings, rather than the whirling thoughts in his brain, that he saw the woman sitting on his doorstep.
Neve.
She was dressed in her exercise gear, blonde ponytail gathered over her left shoulder. When she lifted her blue eyes and met his gaze, his heart throbbed. Would it ever get easier? He wasn’t sure it would.
‘Hi,’ she said, getting to her feet and dusting off her pants.
‘Hi.’
‘Do you have time to talk?’
His first instinct was to say no—to admit that he couldn’t bear to have another chat that always ended with him hurting—but when he opened his mouth, he said, ‘Sure. Come on in.’
Chapter 35
Neve’s heart was racing as she followed Anders into his house. Inside smelled clean and floral. Every surface was clean. Every cushion was straight.
‘Wow, you’ve been busy,’ she said, eyeing the new decorative items and artwork.
‘Yeah, Emily just left. She’s put it on the market.’
‘So it’s really happening?’ Jager had told her a few weeks ago that Anders had decided to move out to the dairy to run it.
He nodded. ‘No going back now.’ He gestured towards the lounge. ‘Take a seat. Did you want a drink?’
‘Yeah, a coffee if you’re making one.’
She opted to wait for him in the living room as he set about making coffees for them, clanging and tinkling coming from the kitchen. It gave her time to steady her nerves and prepare herself for what she had to say to him.
It was spur of the moment that she even came here, though she had been thinking about Anders constantly these last few weeks.
She had set out for her morning jog only to find that when she got to his place, she couldn’t go any further. That’s what she was trying to tell herself anyway, that this was spontaneous and the result of their talk today didn’t mean so much.
Except it did. Deep down it meant everything, yet she feared she was too late.
Anders smiled as he handed her a mug of coffee. Her heart stuttered to see his handsome face, that deep left dimple. The aching pang throughout her body told of how much she had missed him.
She cupped the mug and settled back against the couch.
‘So,’ he said, ‘how are you holding up?’
‘I have my days. It’s not easy. But I’m getting through it.’
He nodded. ‘Good.’
‘Um … Anders, I need to confess something, and I don’t know if I’m too late or if you even want to hear it.’
His lips pulled into a serious line. ‘I can decide that once I know.’
‘I’m really sorry about how I treated you—’ he opened his mouth to interrupt, but she held her hand up to stop him, ‘—please let me finish.’
He nodded.
She circled the rim of her coffee mug with her finger, trying to ease her nerves. ‘I hadn’t realised how all my demands were making you feel. It took you to explicitly say it for me to see. And maybe that’s because, as sad as it is to admit, I was thinking about myself more this whole time. Well, at least, thinking about how I was feeling. Of course you’re not going to feel great about yourself when all you’re hearing from me is that I’m willing to use your body—’ Her voice cracked, so she stopped and re-centred herself with a breath, ‘—yet not accept you as a whole person—not in a romantic sense anyway. So I am, from the bottom of my heart, sorry for that.’
‘Thanks. I know it wasn’t your intention.’
She shook her head. ‘It really wasn’t. Not one bit. All I could see was my fear. Nothing else. And that’s so ridiculous to even consider thinking that way now.’ She stopped and had a sip of her coffee, avoiding looking at his attentive and kind face, so she could gather her thoughts and explain this clearly. There was no margin for miscommunication here—two hearts were on the line.
‘That morning, which feels like so long ago now, when I heard that Mum had another stroke, all that fear kicked in, stronger than ever. It was like someone was in my ear screaming at me to run and never look back, and I listened. But since Mum has passed, and I’ve had time to feel and think about the real implications of that, I’ve realised my fear was misplaced.’
His eyebrows quirked upwards, yet he still remained silent.
‘It was always about Mum. I’ve been living for the last two years in a constant state of fear, waiting for the moment for her to pass away. It’s a horrible all-encompassing state of being.’
He nodded.
‘It’s excruciating and it clouded every part of my life. I always believed that I would never be able to come to terms with Mum dying. That I wouldn’t be strong enough. So it was as though, while I waited and waited, my heart stopped beating. In a way, I stopped living. But here I am. And in no way is this grief over, but I’ve come through so much, and it hurts, but I’m coping. And I know that I’m strong …’ Her words wavered as emotions impinged. Grief sat, always present, in the background of everything.
Anders shifted, so he was sitting beside her. He pressed a hand to her back and rubbed gently. ‘You are definitely strong.’
His delicious scent consumed her. His warmth and proximity were like a blanket. Her gaze found his. ‘What I’m saying—really trying to let you know—is that my fear wasn’t about us. And all those feelings I said I had and how I said I was falling for you, that was real. But it got overshadowed by everything else that was happening. My feelings for you are so strong—’ She pressed a hand to her chest, ‘—I can feel them. Like my heart has awoken because the worst thing I thought could ever happen, has happened, and yet I’m still here, and I’m okay, and I’m getting through it, day by day.’
She firmly held his gaze; his eyes brightened with his relief. To witness that reaction, allowed for the same emotions to flourish inside of her.
‘Are you certain?’ he asked.
His doubt had her relief flittering away. Of course he would doubt her because she had told him such things in the past and seized them back.
She set her coffee cup on the table and took both of his hands in hers. Her eyes wanted to close when sparks of electricity surged through her. ‘I have never been more certain. Looking back on my life, I don’t regret one moment I spent with Mum. Not one. Even when she was sick. It took so much courage to see her like that. It would have been so easy to run. But I don’t ever want to be a coward, Anders. Can you imagine if I had been? I would have missed out on saying goodbye, and I would never have forgiven myself. Ever. So, I know, without a doubt, that I don’t want to keep running from you.’ She looked into his eyes and whispered, ‘I love you. I know it with all my heart. And I don’t want to waste a moment. Not a single second without you.’
Anders’ breaths came faster. His eyes burned with affection. ‘You don’t know how good that makes me feel to hear you say that.’
She smiled. ‘In a way, I needed all this to happen to finally realise what this is all about—life, relationships, love. In the end, it’s being brave enough to love. And I am. I know I am. And I do. I love you.’
He framed her face with his hands and looked her deep in the
eyes. ‘I love you, Neve. I love you so much.’ He pressed his lips to hers and it was as though an entirely new and solid anchor had been launched, and it was sinking fast, finding purchase on the sand below, pinning her to Anders and the life she could have with him.
She drew away, so she was looking at his face, and smiled. ‘I want to be with you with my whole heart.’
He grinned, both dimples etching lines in his cheeks, and it was the sexiest thing she had ever witnessed. ‘I want exactly the same.’
‘And Jager is just a small blip on the horizon. He has no say in this.’
Anders nodded. ‘Good.’
‘I’m sorry it took so long before I was ready to love you.’
He shook his head. ‘We got there in the end.’
‘We finally met in the middle.’
He stood and scooped her from the couch, lifting her up until her legs threaded around his waist. Their gazes fixed to each other’s as their lips curled upwards with joy. He pressed a lingering kiss to her mouth, solidifying her conviction that loving Anders was right. It always had been, but she had been too distracted by fear to see it.
Being in his arms, his lips against hers, their bodies warm and flush together was all that she wanted. Her heart was open and she now possessed the courage needed to hand it over to him completely. Neve held no doubt that Anders would hold her heart with such devotion and care, exactly like she would do with his.
Chapter 36
Four months later
Neve sat in the passenger seat as Jager drove them to the dairy. He pulled his ute into the long dirt driveway and headed along the straight track towards the farmhouse. Rocks and sticks clinked and crunched under the tyres.
Neve watched through the windscreen, realising that all these green paddocks and endless space would now be her home. Her home with the man she loved more than anything else in the world.
Bouncing along the track behind them was a trailer carrying Neve’s minimal possessions.
‘I’m going to miss you,’ Jager said with a nervous edge to his voice.
Meet Me in the Middle (Wattle Valley, #2) Page 22
