popular obsessions from days gone by.
BUTTON BEANIES
Also known as palookaville caps, Whoopee caps, clubhouse hats, and kingpins, these were worn by young men in the 1920s, ’30s, and ’40s. Guys would take an old felt fedora, cut off the brim, turn up the edge to fit, and cut a zigzag crownlike pattern around the edge. Then they’d decorate the hat with pins, buttons, and bottle caps. The beanie was especially common among mechanics and factory workers, who wore them for mild protection. In the movies and on TV, a button beanie instantly characterized someone as a street tough (such as Leo Gorcey in the Bowery Boys films) or a harmless rube (Goober on The Andy Griffith Show). You might also recognize this 1940s relic as part of another 1940s relic: on the head of cheeseburger-loving Jughead in the Archie comics.
MEDLEYS
In late-1970s discos, it was common for DJs to string several songs together to create one long piece of music. Then a thumping beat was added to make it perfect for people to dance to. In 1980 Dutch music publisher Willem Van Kooten heard a bootleg of a medley of Beatles songs and Frankie Avalon’s “Venus” (for which he owned the copyright). That inspired him to create a legitimate version with studio musicians billed as Stars on 45. Because of copyright law, the names of all 10 of the songs he used had to be listed in the title, so it was called “Intro”/“Venus”/“Sugar, Sugar”/“No Reply”/“I’ll Be Back”/“Drive My Car”/“Do You Want to Know a Secret”/“We Can Work It Out”/“I Should Have Known Better” /“Nowhere Man”/ “You’re Going to Lose That Girl”/“Stars on 45.” Fueled by Beatles nostalgia after John Lennon’s death in 1980, the medley went to #1 in the U.S. and in Europe. Stars on 45 released dozens of other dance medleys featuring the songs of ABBA, the Rolling Stones, and Stevie Wonder. Between 1981 and 1983, more anonymous studio projects churned out medleys of Rod Stewart, Bee Gees, and Beach Boys songs. Big-time musicians got in on the craze, too, as record labels rushed to craft medleys from their artists (the Hollies and the Supremes, for example). Even the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra’s Beethoven and Tchaikovsky-based “Hooked on Classics” was a Top-10 hit. By 1983 the concept had oversaturated pop music, and the need for nonstop disco dance medleys was fading, as disco itself had gone out of style.
HYPERCOLOR
In February 1991, Seattle-based Generra Sportswear introduced the Hypercolor T-shirt into stores across the United States. The shirts were very simple: a solid neon color, like red, yellow, purple, pink, or green, with “Hypercolor” written on the front. But the shirts were heat-sensitive; wherever you touched it, the fabric would change color for a few hours. A purple shirt could suddenly have a pink handprint, or a green shirt could have yellow spots. Even though they cost more than $20 each (a lot for a T-shirt in 1991), more than four million were sold in four months. They were the fashion fad of the year, more so after they were worn by characters on the teen show of the day, Beverly Hills, 90210. But like many fashion fads, this one was short-lived. By fall 1992, the shirts were passé, and Generra filed for bankruptcy.
ZIMA
Introduced by Coors in 1993, this clear, citrus-flavored malt beverage bridged the end of one beverage fad, fruity wine coolers of the 1980s, and the beginning of another—clear drinks, such as Crystal Pepsi and Clearly Canadian, of the mid-1990s. Zima (it means “winter” in several Eastern European languages) was malty like beer but sweet like soda pop. After a $50 million marketing campaign touting it as a beer alternative for women, Zima became wildly popular in 1994, with more than 80 million six-packs sold. Half of all American alcohol drinkers bought Zima at some point in 1994. The problem: They didn’t buy it again. Sales dropped year after year as comedians (David Letterman) and TV shows (The Simpsons and Saturday Night Live) frequently mocked the drink for being unmanly or for not tasting very good. The final blow: In 2000 Smirnoff introduced a clear/fruity/fizzy beer alternative called Ice, which sold well and forced Zima out of business.
THE OBITS
These real death notices weren’t written by journalists,
but by the witty families of the dearly departed.
James Robert “Beef” Ward, 39, will be sadly and sorely missed by his loving family. Jimmy, who his family affectionately called “Pork” or “Bubba,” was preceded in death by his mother, Barbara Jean “Buffalo Butt” Ward. Survived by his fiancée, Annie “Red” Callahan; father, J. Richard “Old Fart” Ward; sisters, Cathy “Funny Face” Graf, Karen “Turtle” Ward, and “Hamburger” Patty Ward.
—Columbus Dispatch
Edward “Bruce” Merritt. Born April 3, 1951 in North Carolina. His older sisters regularly beat him up, put him in dresses, and then forced him to walk to the drugstore to buy their cigarettes. Bruce never met a stranger, and in many ways was stranger than most. He is survived by one daughter, two grandchildren, two ex-wives, unpaid taxes, and many loyal loving friends.
—Dallas Morning News
Chuck P. Dimmick passed away suddenly on April 18, 2009 while attending a NASCAR race to watch his favorite driver, Jeff Gordon. Chuck was the Director of Marketing for the Lund Cadillac Group. We are sure he would still want all to know that 0.9% financing is still available on all new 2008 Hummer H2’s.
—Arizona Republic
Theodore Roosevelt Heller, 88, was discharged from the U.S. Army during WWII due to service-related injuries, and then forced his way back into the Illinois National Guard insisting no one tells him when to serve his country. In lieu of flowers, please send acerbic letters to Republicans.
—Chicago Tribune
Arthur (Fred) Clark, who had tired of reading obituaries noting others’ courageous battles with this or that disease, wanted it known that he lost his battle as a result of an automobile accident on June 18, 2006. During his life he excelled at mediocrity. He had lifelong love affairs with bacon, butter, cigars, and bourbon. His sons said of Fred, “He was often wrong, but never in doubt.” When his family was asked what they remembered about Fred, they fondly recalled how Fred never peed in the shower—on purpose.
—Richmond Times Dispatch
Ruth E. Rencevicz, born on August 28, 1927, passed away on September 7, 2008, due to complications resulting from her children making her old before her time. Ruth served her country as a covert spy for the CIA, where during the Cold War she was largely responsible for the breakup of the Soviet Union. At least, that’s the way she told it. Ruth was also very active as a volunteer known to selflessly give of her time by standing on her balcony yelling at kids for “playing that rap music” at all hours of the day and night.
—Akron Beacon Journal
Louis J. Casimir Jr. bought the farm Thursday, Feb. 5, 2004, having lived more than twice as long as he had expected and probably three or four times as long as he deserved. Although he was born into an impecunious family, in a backward and benighted part of the country at the beginning of the Great Depression, he never in his life suffered any real hardships. For more than six decades, he smoked, drank, and ate lots of animal fat, but never had a serious illness or injury. His last wish was that everyone could be as lucky as he had been, even though his demise was probably iatrogenic. Lou was a daredevil: his last words were “Watch this!”
—The Daily Item (Pa.)
Jack Balmer. As this is my auto-obituary, I’d like to write it in my own fashion! I was born in Vancouver on All Saints day, 1931. Apart from practicing dentistry for 30 years, I have also at one time or another been fairly adept as a skier, private pilot, race car driver, vintner, mechanic, model builder, marine aquar-ist, carpenter, photographer, plumber, scuba diver, writer, boat builder, Olympic team member (coach for a bronze medal), and a Canadian Coast Guard Auxiliary member. Since I’ve had a ball in life, with no regrets and nothing left still undone, and since our world seems to be quickly deteriorating, it’s a good time for me to cash in. Goodbye, and good luck!
—Vancouver Sun
TAIWAN’S #2 RESTAURANT
When Uncle John read about this Taiwanese restaurant chain, he
laughed
a little, recoiled a little, and then wondered, “Why didn’t I think of
that?” (Then again, it’s probably better that he didn’t.)
POO-BOT
You’ve probably never heard of the Japanese comic-book character Arale Norimaki. She’s a purple-haired robot teenager whose favorite hobby is “poking poop with a stick.” Arale Norimaki has a huge following not just in Japan, but in other parts of Asia as well, including Taiwan. That’s where, in 2004, a 26-year-old banker named Wang Zi-wei was inspired by Norimaki’s poop-poking example to go into the soft-serve ice cream business.
(If you’re at all squeamish, you should probably stop reading right now and turn to another page.)
GENIUS AT WORK
Somehow, Wang came to the conclusion that if people liked watching cartoon robots poking at poop, they’d probably love eating soft-serve ice cream that looks like poop, served in paper dishes that look like tiny toilets.
What’s even stranger than the way Wang’s mind works is the fact that his business instincts were dead-on. His human-waste ice cream stand was a big hit—customers not only lapped up all the “diarrhea with dried droppings” (chocolate ice cream with chocolate sprinkles), “bloody poop” (strawberry ice cream), and “green dysentery” (kiwi ice cream) he served, they pestered him to come up with more similarly themed treats.
After four months of working in the bank by day and selling his frozen fecal confections by night, Wang decided to expand. “The success with ‘toilet ice cream’ was a leap of faith for me to quit the stable, but boring, banking job and start my business, despite strong objections from my family,” Wang says. In May 2004, he opened what would become the first location in the Modern Toilet restaurant chain.
LOOKS FAMILIAR
If you’ve never had an opportunity to dine in a Modern Toilet, it’s pretty easy to conjure up a mental image of what one looks like. Picture a large public restroom, say one at an airport or a shopping mall. See all those bathroom stalls? Take the stalls out…but leave the toilets, and then keep adding more toilets until you have about 100. Now arrange them tastefully around bathtubs and sinks that have been covered with glass tabletops. Now hang some showerheads and shower curtains from the ceiling, and install some urinals on the tiled walls to serve as light fixtures. Need a napkin? Help yourself to the toilet paper dispenser on your bathtub /table. That’s pretty much what Modern Toilet restaurants look like—and as of early 2009, there were seven of them in Taiwan, an eighth in Hong Kong, and many more planned for cities in Macao, Malaysia, and mainland China.
IT GETS WORSE
“Go Pee-Pee or Go Poo-Poo?” That’s the Modern Toilet way of directing you to the beverage (Pee-Pee) and food (Poo-Poo) sections of the menu. There are plenty of entrées to choose from; if Modern Toilet Beef Curry (served in a toilet-shaped bowl) doesn’t strike your fancy, there’s always the Japanese Milk Hot Pot, the Texan Chicken, or the No. 2 Double Surprise Banquet Combo (Korean beef and German smoked chicken with cream sauce), also served in little toilets. Appetizers, such as the Fun Platter (California potato fries, onion rings, and popcorn chicken), are served in tiny bathtubs.
BODILY FLUIDS
Wash your meal down with your choice of 18 different tea drinks, including Ice Cream Black Tea, Pudding Milk Tea, or Coffee Jelly Milk Tea, plus plenty of non-tea beverages, including Plum-and-Cola and Honey Lemon Juice. If you’re feeling homesick (as opposed to just plain sick), Modern Toilet also serves Ovaltine.
If you prefer your beverage hot, it will be served in a plain mug. Too boring? Order your drink cold, and it will be served in your choice of either a plastic “urinal bottle” similar to those used by bedridden hospital patients, or in a miniature plastic urinal that looks disturbingly like the porcelain fixtures in the Modern Toilet men’s room. Bonus: When you’re finished with your meal, the urinal (or the urinal bottle) is yours to keep!
Did you manage to keep your dinner down? Is there still room for dessert? The dessert menu has been expanded from soft-serve ice cream to include a dozen varieties of shaved ice.
Yes, they even serve yellow snow.
A WORD OF ADVICE
As with any well-designed restaurant, the restrooms at Modern Toilet are clearly marked. But since the entire restaurant looks like a restroom, if nature calls be sure to ask for directions to the restroom and listen very carefully when they are given. If you have any doubts as to whether you really are in the restroom, as a courtesy to other diners, please confirm that you are where you think you are before using the toilet for its intended purpose.
TWO PHRASE ORIGINS
MY BAD
Meaning: It’s my mistake; it’s my fault.
Origin: “This slang term originated in about 1970. The first citation in print is the 1986 book Back-in-Your-Face Guide to Pick-up Basketball: ‘My bad: an expression of contrition uttered after making a bad pass or missing an opponent.’ It came into widespread popularity thanks to the 1995 movie Clueless.” (From “The Phrase Finder” at phrases.org.uk, by Gary Martin)
IF IT LOOKS LIKE A DUCK, WALKS LIKE A DUCK, AND QUACKS LIKE A DUCK, IT’S PROBABLY A DUCK
Meaning: Don’t look beyond the obvious when trying to determine someone’s true nature.
Origin: “Usually ascribed to Walter Reuther, the American labor leader during the McCarthy witch hunts of the 1950s. He came up with it as a test of whether someone was a Communist.” (From The Phrase That Launched 1,000 Ships, by Nigel Rees)
“MAKE MY DAY”
Fifty years in film have taught Clint Eastwood a thing or two about real life.
“Everybody wishes they had the ability to say, ‘Go ahead, make my day’ at the perfect time. But most people don’t. The boss gives them a lot of crap and they go out and they say, ‘Why didn’t I tell him to such and such and so and so.’ ”
“Whenever a congressman wants a little publicity, he goes on a tirade about the movies.”
“Eighty is just a number. A lot of people are old at 40.”
—on turning 80 in 2010
Q: “Do you consider yourself an artist?”
A: “Isn’t there an art to everything? There’s an art to a plumber fixing a sink, or a mechanic working on cars. There’s an art to it if you know how to do it and you do it well. A good bartender could be an artist. A bad one is not.”
“What men want from women is pretty much what women want from men: respect.”
“Life is a constant class, and once you think you know it all, you’re due to decay.”
“Respect your efforts, respect yourself. Self-respect leads to self-discipline. When you have both firmly under your belt, that’s real power.”
“I don’t believe in pessimism. If something doesn’t come up the way you want, forge ahead. If you think it’s going to rain, it will.”
“We boil at different degrees.”
“My father used to say to me, ‘Show ’em what you can do, and don’t worry about what you’re gonna get. Say you’ll work for free and make yourself invaluable.’ ”
“You’re never in total control. But you have to have ambitions to set the agenda and fate does the rest.”
“Without sounding like a pseudointellectual dipsh*t, it’s my responsibility to be true to myself. If it works for me, it’s right.”
“Smaller details are less important. Let’s get on with the important stuff.”
LOST AND FOUND: THE CLOUD PEOPLE OF PERU
How much can we really know about a long-lost civilization when our only
information about them comes from their conquerors? Not a lot. But
thanks to some recent discoveries, we’re starting to find out more.
ILLUMINATING DISCOVERY
Five centuries ago, deep in the mountainous jungles of what is now Peru, the Spanish conqueror Pedro Cieza de León encountered a tribe of people who were different from the ruling Incas. “They are the whitest and most handsome of all the people that I have seen,” he wrote, “and
their wives were so beautiful that because of their gentleness, many of them deserved to be the Incas’ wives and to also be taken to the Sun Temple.” In addition to being lighter-skinned than the Incas, these people were said to be much taller—and they had blond hair and blue eyes.
What they called themselves has been lost to history; the Incas called them the Chachapoyas, which anthropologists think meant “People of the Clouds.” They lived in the dense forests that rise above the Marañón and Huallaga Rivers, a remote region of the Andes Mountains on the northern edge of the Amazon Rain Forest—so high above sea level that they’re literally in the clouds. And because the area is still very remote, most of the Chachapoyas’ secrets have remained hidden in the forests.
DISAPPEARING ACT
A century before the Spaniards arrived in the 1500s, the Inca Empire spread throughout South America, conquering the hundreds of tribes that inhabited the region. The Cloud People, however, proved to be fierce adversaries. In order to keep them subjugated, Inca liaisons lived in the Chachapoya villages. When civil war broke out between different factions of the Incas, the Chachapoyas found themselves caught in the middle. That’s why they so readily sided with the Spanish Conquistadores in their subjugation of the Incas. Unfortunately, that proved to be the Cloud People’s undoing. Although the Spanish freed them from Inca rule, they introduced small pox and other European diseases. Less than 200 years later, the Chachapoyan culture was gone. What physical evidence remained was quickly enveloped by the densest jungles on Earth.
Uncle John's Endlessly Engrossing Bathroom Reader Page 18
