Love,
Jillian and Leni Jo
LESLEY KNOWLES
February 25, 1991
Dear Cole,
In 1980 I decided it would be best if I didn’t contact you again. The decision was difficult, and I made it at a particularly rocky time in my life. Now I find that I’m changing my mind.
Two of my sons are part of Desert Storm. David is with the 101st Airborne Division and Doug is aboard the aircraft carrier Independence. Last week, two men came to the house bearing news that David is Missing in Action. There is strong evidence that he was taken as a prisoner of war. At this point, Iraq is refusing to release any information pertaining to him or his welfare, if he is indeed a captive. You can imagine what not knowing is doing to me.
Cole, is there any possibility that you can discover anything about his whereabouts and condition? I’ve faithfully followed your reports from Baghdad and am praying that you might know someone, someplace, who can give you information regarding my son.
I’ve thought of you often through the years and wondered how life is treating you. I’m well, but I don’t know how much longer I can hold on to my sanity if I can’t find out what’s happening to my son. I would be deeply grateful for anything you’re able to learn.
I ask your forgiveness in advance if I’m imposing on our friendship. I don’t know where else to turn or who else I might ask.
I can’t thank you enough.
Lesley Knowles
JILLIAN LAWTON GORDON
331 WEST END AVENUE
APARTMENT 1020
NEW YORK, NY 10023
February 20, 1991
Dear God,
I’ve come to You before. When I didn’t get a letter from Nick, I prayed. When my husband was gravely ill, I pleaded for a miracle. The deepest prayers of my heart have gone unanswered. Now the oldest son of my dearest friend is missing, half a world away. I feel lost, helpless and empty. This is the same feeling I had all those years ago with Nick, and it’s tearing me apart.
I have been so angry with You. You’re supposed to be a God of love. Well, thanks very much, but I haven’t felt Your love in a very long time.
In the past, I’ve tried to bargain with You. If You do this for me, then I’ll do that. My “Let’s Make A Deal” attempts have failed, haven’t they? You don’t want or need anything I can give You. I realize that now. Lesley says that all You’ve ever wanted was for me to surrender myself to You. Well, I’m desperate enough to give it a try.
So here I am, God, willing to do as You ask, willing to place David’s fate in Your hands. It isn’t easy, but I’m ready to let go and to let You take over now.
Judge Jillian Gordon
COLE GREENBERG
CNN CORRESPONDENT
March 1, 1991
Dear Lesley,
Thankfully, we were able to connect by phone, so most of what I found out you already know. I can appreciate your relief after learning that David is alive and reasonably well. Given the rate at which the ground war is proceeding, it shouldn’t be much longer before he’s released with the other captives.
As I explained earlier, I wasn’t able to speak with him directly, as David is being held in a restricted area. But through my contacts I did get a message to him and I got one in return.
It’s selfish of me to be grateful for this opportunity to speak to you again. Has it really been eleven years? It seems just a short time ago that you and I were corresponding, doesn’t it? You didn’t ask and I didn’t volunteer this, but I want you to know I’ve never been married. It appears you haven’t married again. For my part, I’ve been too involved in my career, traveling constantly, landing in one trouble spot after another. I assume you’ve remained single because of your children. You made it clear even back then that your family was your priority. I understood that because I felt the same way about my career.
As I said earlier, this war is just about over. It’ll be a pleasure to leave Baghdad and return to New York. I’ve got plenty of vacation time accrued and I’d like to see you, Lesley. You asked a favor of me and now I’m asking one of you. Have dinner with me? As soon as I hear from you, I’ll make my flight arrangements.
Until then,
Cole Greenberg
March 5, 1991
Dear David,
Your mother said she talked to you this morning after the Iraqis released you. It’s good to learn you got through all that and you’re okay.
I never had a chance to answer your letter, which found me in Lubbock, Texas. I’ve been living there for the last five years.
Like you wrote, our relationship hasn’t always been the best. I accept responsibility for that. I was the one who let you kids and your mother down. I’ve had a problem with the bottle that dates back to before you were born. You were kind enough not to list all my faults and I thank you for that. Everything you said was right on.
Your letter arrived when I was at a low point, crawling out of another financial mess I’d gotten myself into. But this time, at least, I was sober and could see my way clear of it.
Discovering what a fine upstanding soldier you are and hearing about your brothers and sister made me proud. It’s been years since I’ve had reason to feel like that about anything in my life. Your mother’s the one who deserves the credit for raising you right, but I was there in the beginning. I had a little to do with it, too. The television reporter talked about you and said you were a hero. The buttons nearly burst off my shirt when he said that.
What I’m getting around to saying is that your letter gave me hope that I could come back to you all. I know your mother isn’t going to welcome me into the family home with open arms, but Lindy said I could live with her for a while.
I’ve failed you in the past, David, but I intend to make it up to you now.
Your Father,
Buck Knowles
* * *
David James Knowles
P.O. Box 984
Lubbock, TX 79460
You are hereby notified that you are in violation of your parole as stated in your court decree…Unless you contact your parole officer within the next five (5) days a warrant will be issued for your arrest.
Parole Board
State of Texas
* * *
LESLEY KNOWLES
May 3, 1991
Dear Cole,
Our dinner was by far the most romantic of my life. You certainly know how to impress a girl! Champagne, candlelight and red roses. Thank you so much. I’m sorry you had to leave so soon, but I certainly understand.
In answer to your questions: Yes, I do want to see you again and yes, I think we just might have found something special.
Lesley
Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Fullbright
Cordially invite you to the wedding of their daughter
Meagan Adele Fullbright
To
David Michael Knowles
Son of
Lesley Knowles
On Saturday, July 12, 1991
At three o’clock in the afternoon
First Baptist Church
Fullerton, California
Dinner and reception immediately following the ceremony
July 10, 1991
Lindy,
Sorry not to give you any notice, kid, but it became necessary for me to head out. I didn’t have a lot of choice about this so don’t be upset. The neighbor promised to feed your cat. I know you and your mother and your brothers will have a good time at David’s wedding. He understands why I can’t be there. Seeing that he chose not to mention my name on his wedding invitation, it seems he’s not very anxious for me to come, anyway.
I’ll be in touch.
Dad
Lesley’s reading list for trip to Mexico with Jillian:
Saint Maybe by Anne Tyler
The Firm by John Grisham
Book Jillian packed in her bag for Mexico:
The Undeclared War Against American Women by Susan Faludi
&
nbsp; COLE GREENBERG
CNN CORRESPONDENT
August 8, 1991
This note should be waiting for you when you and your friend return from Mexico. I’ll be back in town September 7th. I hope you like Chinese food (and I’m not talking take-out chow mein, either).
Until the 7th…
Cole
A good man is hard to find Lesley’s fortune cookie
JILLIAN LAWTON GORDON
331 WEST END AVENUE
APARTMENT 1020
NEW YORK, NY 10023
October 1, 1991
Dearest Lesley,
I haven’t heard you sound this happy in years. I’m thrilled for you and Cole. You don’t know how badly I wanted to shake some sense into you eleven years ago when you abruptly ended your relationship. I understood, but I wasn’t sure I agreed.
Nothing you could tell me about Buck would surprise me. Why didn’t Lindy mention earlier that he’d borrowed money from her neighbor? The poor kid must be mortified. It’s bad enough that he left the way he did, but to place his own daughter in a financial bind is unforgivable. Lindy’s always had her eyes closed when it came to her father. I hope she sees now why you wouldn’t allow him to stay in your home. If you’d put out the welcome mat for Buck, I think I would’ve throttled you myself.
Thank goodness David and Doug weren’t put in a position of having to defend him. And as for Christopher, I’m impressed (and relieved) that he was savvy enough to figure Buck out early on.
One way and another, this whole year has been a bag of mixed blessings for you and your family.
I loved our time together in Mexico. Leni Jo informed me that she wants to go to camp every summer so I can travel anywhere I please and it won’t upset her. Is my daughter telling me that she’s a big girl and doesn’t need her mother anymore? I wonder if she realizes that I still need her to need me….
I’m having trouble slipping back into the routine of going to court every day. Dealing with everyone else’s problems is fast losing its appeal. Who knows, I just might find a reason to retire early.
Mom’s been feeling a little under the weather lately, but for 78 she’s in remarkably good shape.
I know Cole is in and out of the country a lot, but as your fortune cookie says, a good man is hard to find. Cole is a good man.
Give everyone a hug from me.
Love,
Jillian
November 1, 1991
Mom,
Remember all I want for my birthday are Rollerblades.
Love,
Leni Jo
1993
Jillian’s Journal
January 1, 1993
Happy New Year!
Happy is the way I feel, too. I’m content with my life. It’s been just over six years since Monty’s death, and it’s taken me this long to feel comfortable with being a widow. Here’s the surprising thing: now that I’m finally at peace with myself, I’ve met someone. Actually, I give my soon-to-be-eighty-year-old mother credit for introducing me to Gary Harmon. He lives in the building and he, ever the gentleman, introduced himself to her in the elevator. Next thing I know, Gary and I are having dinner together once a week. He’s lonely, I’m lonely. He’s a professional, I’m a professional. He’s a widower and I’m a widow. What could be more perfect? Leni Jo thinks he’s cool. That’s a word she uses sparingly, so I know she’s sincere.
I’m not the only one with a romance in my life. Lesley and Cole are still seeing each other. Cole’s under contract to CNN and is constantly either on his way in or out of the country. How Lesley keeps track of his schedule is beyond me. The best part is that in between the numerous interruptions, they’ve managed to build a solid friendship. Cole is good for her. For the first time in her life, Lesley’s experiencing a healthy, mature relationship with a man.
Well, Dad, brace yourself—another Democrat is about to be inaugurated into the White House. Are you rolling over in your grave? William Jefferson Clinton seems to have a number of refreshing ideas, and I can’t help it, I like him and his wife. Hillary is going to rub a few people the wrong way. Strong women generally do. I’m willing to give them both a chance and even if we don’t agree on everything politically, I feel the change will shake things up.
I can almost hear you arguing with me, Dad, but I’m suggesting you keep an open mind, let them prove themselves. Hillary’s ready to take on the health-care issue and Lord knows, it’s about time somebody did.
Leni Jo loves high school and continues to excel. She’s a marvel, if I do say so myself. We’re close and we can talk about anything. She’s now starting to think about boys, but I have confidence in her good sense and her self-respect. I see girls her age in court every week who are already mothers. Babies having babies, as the social workers say. I feel such despair when I encounter these tragic girls with their often-hopeless lives—and even worse, their children. There seems so little I can do.
My term expires this year and there’s pressure to run for reelection. I don’t know yet. The thought of retiring is holding more appeal every day. I want to enjoy my daughter’s teen years and give her the benefit of my time and attention. I sometimes wonder if all the problems Lesley has with Lindy might’ve been reduced if Lesley hadn’t been forced to support the family, attend classes and divide her energy among four kids. No, I take that back. Lindy was a difficult child right from the start. Some people simply insist on learning their lessons the hard way. Unfortunately Lindy appears to be one of them.
Lesley had exciting news about David, though. He was hired by Microsoft, which is a wonderful opportunity for him. This is a company with a lot of promise. The only problem is the long hours he’s putting in; in fact, Lesley said he often sleeps right there at the corporate offices. Meagan seems pretty understanding about it all, thankfully.
Doug’s working construction for Nick’s brother. Jim Murphy has owned his own company for the last ten years and is doing very well with it. No surprise there! When Doug’s commitment to the Navy was finished, he returned to Pine Ridge. He needed a job, and I mentioned to Lesley that Jim was hiring and suggested Doug apply. Sure enough, Jim hired Doug and before long, he advanced to foreman for one of Jim’s crews. Nick would be very proud of his brother’s success. Angie sends me school pictures of the kids every year. Nickie Lynn will turn twelve in August. That child has a special place in my heart.
The year is getting off to a good start. I signed up for a new painting course and I love it. Painting relaxes me and I seem to be improving. I’ve even done a couple of portraits. There are plenty of flaws in my work, and to me they seem blatant, but no one else notices them as much as I do. I guess that’s true of almost everything in life. In any event, I put forth my best effort, work hard and stare down the imperfections.
January 10, 1993
Mom,
Can I borrow $300? You know I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important. I’ll need it soon. I’ve enclosed a deposit slip for your convenience. I’ll have it paid back on the first of the month. I promise.
Lindy
Surprise 80th Birthday Party for
Barbara Lawton
Helmsley Towers
331 West End Avenue
Apartment 1020
New York, NY
on
February 6th, 3 p.m.
Bring a balloon and be ready to laugh
Shh—remember it’s a surprise!
Given by: Jillian Lawton Gordon
Leni Jo Gordon
Lesley’s Journal
February 22, 1993
This hasn’t been a good day. It started off with a crisis at work—we had a small fire in the building, one floor above us. Dr. Milton handled the situation beautifully. He was calm and in control, getting everyone out before the fire department arrived. I didn’t take the alarm seriously at first and when I finally grasped that it was for real, was more concerned with transferring information onto a computer disk to take outside with me. Dr. Milton insisted I leav
e immediately; he firmly took my arm. Without any other choice, I walked out with him. We were the last two people to leave the building.
I went from one crisis to another. That afternoon, I had my annual appointment with my OB-GYN. Although I think the world of Dr. Milton, I feel uncomfortable about the idea of his giving me a pelvic exam. It’s been easier to stay with the physician who delivered Christopher. However, after the fire this morning, I was in no mood for an exam, but it takes weeks to get an appointment with Dr. Nelson, so I went—and I’m grateful I did. There appears to be a problem. After the wretched periods I’ve had for the last five years, this didn’t surprise me. He’s scheduling tests for next month and we discussed the possibility of a hysterectomy. If that happens, I’ll be looking at three to four weeks off work. After our disastrous morning, I didn’t mention it to Dr. Milton. I’ll wait until I know for sure and then tell him.
While I was at Dr. Nelson’s office, the nurse asked about Lindy and the pregnancy. I could see that she instantly regretted saying anything when she saw my reaction. Lindy’s pregnant? This was a huge shock! Then it hit me. She was desperate for $300 not long ago, and that’s the cost of an abortion. I realized I’d given my daughter the money to abort my own grandchild. I’ve been sick at heart ever since. Sick to my stomach, too.
I called Lindy the minute I got home, and asked why she needed the loan, which I know better than to do. Early on, I learned that it’s a mistake to give children the opportunity to lie. Wanting to correct myself, and before she could answer, I told her I knew about the abortion and asked about the baby’s father. She immediately blew up at me and demanded to know if Christopher had told me. It’s bad enough that she came to me for the money, but I consider it unforgivable that she involved her younger brother in this, too. Lindy ended up slamming the phone in my ear.
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