‘No. It was flipping freezing so I nicked his scarf. He was trying to grab it back off me. That’s all.’
‘It was classic flirting.’
‘Kelly …’ I flustered, shaking my head.
‘I think he likes you.’
‘Don’t be silly. He’s my friend and that’s all there is to it,’ I said matter-of-factly, trying to end the conversation there.
‘Yes, I know. But you’re not kids any more, Maddy. You must be able to see the way he looks at you and the fact that there’s shitloads of chemistry between you.’
‘There really isn’t,’ I said firmly, almost losing my patience in a way I never had on the topic.
‘Right …’ she sighed, gazing back at her reflection in the mirror. I thought she’d finally relented, but then she added, ‘He is so fricking hot.’
‘I don’t see it …’ I lied with a shrug, watching her as she expertly applied purple eyeshadow to her already dark eyes, wishing I knew how to do the same to mine. No matter how hard I tried I knew I never matched up to the other girls in the way they took care to groom themselves to perfection – perhaps it was the only downside to being friends with boys over girls. We spent our time in trackies outside, taking on new adventures, while girls experimented with make-up and learned to make the best of what was given to them. I was years behind and it showed. I’d never known what to do with my fair skin – fake tan made me look like an oompa loompa, and I’d acquired far too many freckles to cover up with foundation. My red hair was the only thing I liked – it was thick and manageable, although it was usually thrown up in a ponytail to keep it off my face (even then, wispy bits always broke free and created a frizzy ring around my face – as Rob had nicely pointed out in his drawing). Why would Robert be attracted to someone boyish like me, I wondered, when he could have someone beautiful like Kelly? As soon as I heard the question bounce around the walls of my inner mind, I knew I was in more trouble than I cared to admit. Self-doubt just wasn’t in my nature. Well, not over a boy anyway.
‘You don’t see that Robert is the fittest guy in our year? Really?’ Kelly asked further, looking at me in disbelief.
‘Yes, really!’ I shrugged.
‘Perhaps you should start looking then …’
I smiled at her as I picked up my mascara and unscrewed the wand.
‘Because I’ve got to say, if you don’t look, I might be forced to make him look in my direction instead,’ she said with a saucy wink.
All at once I started to feel nauseous.
I felt extremely awkward when I joined Robert and Ben in the lobby half an hour later. All I could think about was what Kelly had said, and the realization that I’d definitely developed ulterior feelings for my best friend. I felt irritated by how self-conscious it made me feel – for instance, I was aware of every part of myself, which made me feel like an inexperienced Bambi walking on ice as I approached them. The way Robert looked me up and down with a delirious expression on his face didn’t help (it made my insides flip inside themselves), and neither did the pair of them wolf-whistling at me as I approached.
‘Cut it out,’ I hissed, giving them both a firm shove on the shoulder.
Yes, being with Kelly had prompted me to make a bit more effort than usual – I was wearing more blusher and eyeshadow than my mum would have liked, along with an emerald mini-dress, tights and heels – Kelly’s heels, not mine. I’d felt good as I left my room, sexy and mature, but now their gaze was on me I felt silly and exposed.
‘What? You look hot,’ laughed Ben, smiling at me as he took my hand and gave me his usual comforting three squeezes.
‘Ouch,’ said Robert as he cheekily rubbed the opposite shoulder to the one I’d pushed, giving me a smirk. He was always trying to treat me like a feeble girl, simply because he knew it wound me up. Or was he flirting, I wondered. And, if so, had he always been?
‘I’ll do it harder if you like,’ I warned, perhaps with a bit more gusto than I’d meant.
‘Promise?’
I couldn’t fail to spot the glisten in his eye as he raised an eyebrow at me, tilted his head ever so slightly and licked his lips as they formed a smile. The action had me transfixed and I literally had to pinch myself to pull myself away from the magnetic force of his whole being. It was more than him being his usual cocky and suggestive self, and that knowledge caused a rush of excitement to whizz through my body. I could feel my cheeks beginning to blush at the unexpected sensation.
As I turned away from them both and busied myself with putting my gloves on, I cursed Kelly for putting the thoughts I’d been grappling with into the forefront of my mind. Pull yourself together, I told myself, you do not fancy Robert and he certainly does not fancy you … you silly, silly girl.
Well, there’s nothing like trying to fool yourself into believing something that’s a blatant lie.
We were taken to La Ferme des Beauvais – a little Parisian restaurant on the corner of one of the side streets north of the Louvre. Windows covered the breadth of the external walls, displaying its name in silver-framed red lettering that curved like a rainbow on each pane of glass. Inside, the wooden tables were lined in rows to make the most of the limited space and covered with red cloth, tealights and a single red rose on each one. On the walls were photographs of Paris taken throughout the years, all in black and white. There was no doubt it was a cheap place to eat, we were on a school trip after all, but it was these little touches that helped make the place more atmospheric and inviting.
The majority of the group opted to eat pasta on our final night, as we had most nights. It was always the safest option – although it was washed down with pieces of French bread, so it did at least have something traditionally French about it.
As our feast was being gobbled up, Kelly turned to Miss James, who was in deep conversation with Miss Stokes, another teacher. We’d never been taught by her before and she’d been very quiet the whole trip – we’d almost forgotten she was there.
‘Miss James,’ Kelly called from beside me.
‘Yes?’ she shouted back.
‘Seeing as we’re in France and we’ve been good all week, can we have a glass of wine each?’ she tried with a cheeky shrug.
Miss James cackled at the request.
‘Come on,’ pushed Robert, hoping his charm would help win her over. ‘We’re eating anyway, it’s not like we’re going to get drunk. It’ll just wash it down nicely.’
‘Nice try,’ she smiled. ‘As lovely and good as you all are there’s no way I’m letting any of you drink alcohol.’
‘You’re having some,’ stated Kelly.
‘I’m an adult.’
‘Oh, go on,’ she pleaded.
‘I’m afraid there’ll be no underage drinking on my watch,’ she finished, turning back to the conversation that had been interrupted.
‘That’s what she thinks,’ Kelly whispered, winking at Robert before slinking off to the toilet. When she came back she discreetly pulled a bottle of vodka out from underneath her jumper.
‘Where’d you get that?’ I squeaked in shock.
Ben’s eyes, like my own, widened with surprise. Robert looked impressed – something that didn’t go unnoticed by me.
‘Never you mind,’ she laughed, before winking over at one of the waiters at the bar. ‘Pass us your glasses.’ As we did so, she quickly added the alcohol into our Cokes before carefully passing the bottle along to the next table. ‘There’s more where that came from too …’ she teased with a wicked smirk.
I was never one to break the rules, not really, but on that occasion, as I watched Kelly, Ben and Robert grin at each other as they picked up their glasses and gulped away, I certainly didn’t want to be the only person not involved. After just a few mouthfuls the worry I’d been feeling earlier that evening started to slide away, leaving me to feel giddily free and naughty – a feeling that was increased when I lowered my glass to find Robert winking at me. God, I fancy you, I thought, with such clarity t
hat I stunned myself.
Once dinner was finished the tables were cleared away, and cheesy pop songs started blaring from the restaurant speakers, replacing the sounds of Edith Piaf that we’d endured throughout dinner. Miss James had organized a surprise mini disco for us to round off what had already been an amazing trip. None of us needed any encouragement to dance (probably thanks to a certain tipple lubricating our inhibitions), we were up on our feet as soon as the first intro started. Thankfully we were the only diners in the dimly lit restaurant, so we didn’t have to worry about us teenagers upsetting anyone with our dizzy behaviour. We could just be carelessly joyful and silly as we danced along to the nineties classics being played. Hits by artists like Sugar Ray, Madonna and No Doubt boomed through the room, putting us on even more of a high. Robert, Ben and I were pulling the craziest moves we could muster, singing raucously and making each other laugh hysterically. It felt incredibly liberating.
At some point towards the end of the night, Hanson’s ‘Mmmbop’ started blaring out of the speakers, putting us all into more of a childish frenzy. We jumped around, making even sillier shapes with our bodies, waving our hands in the air and shaking our heads to the music. We might not have looked cool, but it was so much fun we didn’t care.
‘I’m just off to the loo!’ Ben shouted at us as he hopped his way through the excited group, continuing with his wacky moves as he went.
As we carried on singing along to the music, Robert grabbed my hand and thrust it up in the air, gesturing for me to spin under it. I did so. He then threw me around, spinning and twirling, several times with dizzying speed, causing me to get light-headed. I ended up laughing manically as I fell into his chest to steady myself.
As the song came to an end and the next song started playing, the mood suddenly changed.
The familiar piano intro to K-Ci and JoJo’s ‘All My Life’ filled the air, replacing the childlike mood with an intense one, laden with sentiment and emotion … and a whole heap of sexual tension.
As my head was already on his chest and my body close to his, Robert gently placed a hand on my lower back, holding me securely into him, before picking up my hand and cradling it in his. With his head bowed, he rested his cheek on the side of my head.
I closed my eyes and savoured every detail of the delicious moment.
I could feel his heart pumping through his chest.
I could feel his hot breath in my ear.
I was aware of every single movement and spasm that our bodies were involuntarily making as we swayed to the music – his hand as it slowly moved across my back, his thumb as it rubbed up and down mine, and the fact that I’d almost stopped breathing.
Understandably, we were nervous. We’d never been this close before. This intimate. I willed it to continue – I didn’t want Robert to change his mind and stop. My whole body was in a state of suspense, waiting for him to make the next move – it had to come from him, there was no way I could have instigated anything. I had to know I hadn’t been stupidly making up the whole thing in my head.
He lowered his head further. With my eyes closed, I could feel the corner of his mouth rest at the side of my face. He stayed there for a few seconds before slowly sliding further down my cheek, his lips causing my body to tingle as they tantalizingly brushed my skin. I knew what was coming and I held my breath, waiting for it to happen. Willing it to.
He kissed me.
Actually kissed me.
Robert’s big juicy lips were on mine, as his hands roamed up and down my back, and in that moment I completely melted. I devoured the new sensations of heat and electricity running between us both, knowing there was nowhere else I’d rather be.
Okay, I told myself, you’re right – you do fancy Robert. But, not only that – it would seem that he flipping well fancies you too.
Ben
Sixteen years old …
I stood frozen in the middle of the crowd as I watched the tender moment between my two best friends. My heart ached as it understood its significance and a feeling of sadness swelled through me. I felt lost – unsure of what to do with myself. Should I have gone over and made a joke of their locking lips, ruining whatever magic was passing between them? Should I have retreated back to the loos and come back out a bit later, pretending I hadn’t seen anything? Well, that’s what I wanted to do, but before I had a chance to do anything the song was over, they’d pulled apart and noticed me – both of them looking at me with great big grins on their faces, insanely happy with themselves.
I had no choice but to grab the nearest girl to me, who just happened to be Maddy’s roommate on that trip, Kelly, and give her a quick snog. It was horrible and sloppy, we even banged teeth in my haste, but at least I didn’t have to look at their elated faces, I thought. At least I didn’t have to talk to them.
It had been the last song of the night and as soon as it was over Miss James was ushering people to get their coats on and head outside. I managed to keep my distance from Maddy and Robert by diving in, getting my stuff and walking outside before they’d even moved from their romantic spot in the middle of the makeshift dance floor.
I trailed behind at the back of the group as we walked to the hotel, aware of the irritatingly joyous chatter going on in front of me. Everyone was talking animatedly about how much fun the night had been and how wonderful they’d found the whole trip – I didn’t give a flying crap. I would have given anything to be able to teleport home and get far away from Paris and every single one of them.
Even though there were at least sixteen people between us, I could see that my two best friends were still holding hands. I was so inexplicably angry; angry at them for kissing, angry at them for thinking it was all jolly and fun and that there wouldn’t be any consequences, angry at Robert for kissing Maddy when he could have picked any other girl at school – but most of all I felt sorry for myself, because I’d missed out. My hopes and desires for that trip came tumbling down around me. I’d been a mere twelve hours or less from standing at the top of the Eiffel Tower and telling Maddy how I felt, but I’d been beaten to it. Accusing questions formed in my head as I started to beat myself up over my mammoth disappointment. Why did I think I needed some romantic gesture or setting to go along with my declaration of love? Why didn’t I just tell her months earlier when I first thought of doing so? Why did I allow time to get in the way and steal her from me?
It quickly dawned on me that I’d lost her. Either way, whether things continued between Maddy and Robert or not, there’d be no chance for us. Maddy, the girl who glittered beautifully, who carried an indescribable magic in her very being, would never be in my grasp. I was heartbroken.
When we got to the hotel I scampered off to our room with great speed, but not before I painfully caught a glimpse of Robert and Maddy kissing once more as they said goodnight.
I got to our room, stripped off and got straight into bed, trying to hide myself in the hope that Robert wouldn’t want to talk when he came in. I was wrong, of course. Even though I was feigning sleep he sauntered in and started talking loudly as soon as he walked through the door.
‘There you are,’ he said, standing in the middle of the room with the biggest grin on his face. ‘What a night that was.’
‘Yeah,’ I muttered, pretending to be half asleep.
‘I tell you what, I wasn’t expecting that to happen when we went out tonight. I mean, it’s Maddy! Maddy!’ he practically squealed, puffing air from his cheeks as he mulled it over. ‘Maddy and me! Who’d have thought.’
Not me, that’s for sure. Well, I had, but I’d been talked out of thinking such paranoid thoughts. How ironic.
‘Why did you say you didn’t like her in that way?’
I was annoyed with myself as soon as I’d said it. Not only had I dropped the whole tired guise, I’d also asked him a question, prompting him to talk about the whole thing further. I’d given him the encouragement he’d needed to cheerily talk his head off about it.
‘M
ate, I wasn’t sure how I felt. Until I could understand it myself, I thought I’d best stay quiet about the whole thing,’ he exclaimed, coming over and sitting on the edge of my bed, happiness irritatingly radiating all around him. ‘I don’t even know what happened tonight – we were just dancing stupidly, you were there, you saw that. And then, that song came on and it got really … I dunno, heated. Seriously, it was weird. I had this urge. Well, actually, I’ve had that urge for a while, but tonight – I couldn’t stop myself,’ he shrugged in amazement as bewilderment flickered across his face.
I wondered whether he was already replaying the little moments between them – the gazes, the feel of her lips on his, her taste. The very thought crushed me.
‘I know she’s our best friend and all that, but, my God, Ben! I mean, it was electric. She is electric. How on earth have we not noticed that before?’
His face had become dopey, full of surprise and wonder at the night’s events. I’d never seen him like that. The more I looked at him, the sadder I felt. It seemed I wasn’t the only one who’d fallen for Maddy’s charms.
I’d had years to make some sort of sense of my overwhelming feelings so that I could tell her exactly how I felt, but I hadn’t. I’d hesitated and allowed life to get in the way – because of that I knew I had no right to be angry with either of them. They didn’t know that she was my world. That I’d loved her since the day she walked into class with her manic bob and cute red nose. I was a coward for keeping those feelings to myself and foolish for not realizing that I had to act on them sooner. I was gutted for myself that Robert’s confidence had led him where I desperately wanted to be – with Maddy.
I didn’t sleep that night. Instead, I repeated their embrace in my mind again and again, as though it was some kind of mystery that needed to be solved. When I left them they were busting their stupidest dance moves to a bloody Hanson track and then, one pee stop later and that had changed into a lovers’ clinch. It didn’t make sense to me.
You're the One That I Want Page 7
