I was still in bed when he called. I’d been replaying little scenes from the previous night in my head, over and over again – I was still in disbelief that it had actually happened, that I hadn’t just dreamed the whole thing. For years I’d held in my feelings and not told a soul about how I’d truly felt, too worried that I’d ruin the great thing we had going – worried that I’d be rejected if I confessed anything, not that I’d ever admitted that to myself. I’d told myself I would never get to tell her how I felt, too much time had gone by and then she was with Robert for years, so I was getting used to the fact that she’d never know the truth, that she’d never be attainable to me. I thought that ship had well and truly sailed, but then when she kept pushing me to tell her what was on my mind, pushing and pushing, I suddenly went for it. Put my cards on the table like a freshly opened deck, too tempting to ignore.
I told her everything, about how I loved her, about the three squeezes, it all came tumbling out … once I’d started I couldn’t stop. I needed her to see its importance, understand that I wasn’t just drunk. There she was, the love of my life, listening to my every word. Moved by what I was telling her. It was better than I’d ever imagined.
And when I kissed her? Wow. The way I felt, the emotion inside me, made everything so intense, so much better. Everything about her was as wonderful as I’d imagined; the softness of her milky-white skin, the sweetness of its taste as I ran my mouth over her body. Her voluptuous bum, her smooth breasts, her small blush nipples – I couldn’t get it out of my mind. It had taken every ounce of self-control I had to stop myself from having sex with her. Something I was pleased with myself for. I didn’t want her to wake up the next day regretting it. But also, I wasn’t a total rogue, there was something nagging away inside of me. Typically known to all as my conscience. I couldn’t stop Robert from popping up in my brain, reminding me what a tosser I was being to him, my best mate, the guy who’d do anything for me. That was his girlfriend that I was with, and whether they were technically still together or not was beside the point. I was being an arsehole. They had not been apart more than a few hours before I’d swooped in. But then, as I sat there thinking about her plump pink lips, I wondered if he would care. After all, he’d discarded her, got with someone else and talked about breaking up.
I was being ridiculous.
Of course he would care.
My blood ran cold as soon as I saw Robert’s name pop up on my phone. I completely froze. I wasn’t sure what to do. It was such a normal thing, him calling me, but suddenly it felt like the most alien and bizarre thing in the world to happen. My mind entered into a mad spin as I tried to work out why he could possibly be calling me.
I thought he might have found out and that was why he was phoning. I imagined maybe Maddy had called and told him everything as a way of getting back at him, or something. That made me feel really sick, which was pathetic – if anything were to happen with me and Maddy, which I was sure I wanted, then of course Robert was going to find out. We’d have to tell him. It was something I hadn’t thought about until his name popped up. I would have to tell him and that could potentially ruin over twenty years of friendship. I could lose him. Is that what I wanted? I wondered if I loved Maddy that much. I’d always thought I would sacrifice everything for love, but the reality wasn’t as clear-cut. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to give up on Robert, but then, I couldn’t be sure if it was loyalty or guilt making me feel that way.
If I’m honest, I wasn’t sure where I saw me and Maddy going, and that hurt. It pained me that, after years of wanting her so badly, I wasn’t sure what the future had in store for us. I’d spent years with her not knowing the truth, of plodding along with her and Robert as my best friends. Having her know the truth after so long was more complicated than I’d feared, leaving me to feel more confused than I thought I ever could over the possibility of being with Maddy.
With all those thoughts and worries whirling through my mind, I didn’t pick up the phone to Robert. I knew I needed to speak to Maddy first – to find out exactly where we stood and what was going to happen next.
A loud bleep let me know he’d left a voicemail. I took a deep breath, reached for my phone and nervously held it to my ear as Robert’s jolly voice boomed through the speaker.
I sat up in bed as I listened to the twenty-nine second message over and over again.
Everything was okay, he’d said.
He was with her.
They’d talked things through.
They were back on track.
Where the hell did that leave me, I wondered.
Somehow, in the mere hours since Maddy had left my room, she’d gone back to Robert. She’d forgiven him for his misdemeanour. I was just a pit stop along the way to her reaching that conclusion. The night rendered forgettable and meaningless – it hadn’t been as special for her as it had for me. But then, what did I expect? They’d been a couple for years, shared a bond that could stand a few knocks. My pathetic few hours with her would never have been able to compete with that. I was foolish for thinking otherwise. Stupid for believing she could love me back in the same way.
The rejection hurt just as much as I feared it would.
I almost had her, and then Robert came back to reclaim her, pushing all thoughts of me and the night we’d shared out of her mind. Yes, Robert had caused me to have my own doubts, but all I’d needed to do was talk to Maddy, to try to decipher the complicated situation we were in. I hadn’t expected her to move away from me so swiftly, to turn her back on our night together so coldly.
I sat in silence on my bed, looking around my room. Hours before, it had been a place of love and warmth, now it was bleak and barren. Deserted. I needed to get out, to be surrounded by noise.
I didn’t even wash, I just chucked on a pair of jeans and a crumpled shirt and walked back to the Red Fox. I didn’t care that it was dirty, I just liked the fact that I knew I’d be left to mope into my pint of Carling … of which I had several.
I was already fairly smashed when I got a call from Roger, a guy on my course, reminding me about a house party he was having that night and wondering where I was. In my inebriated state, going along sounded like a top idea.
When I turned up at his place, which was only meant to be a fifteen-minute walk away but took me half an hour to get to because I couldn’t quite walk in a straight line – plus I got lost twice – it was rammed full of people, most of whom I didn’t recognize. They cluttered up the narrow hallway, the stairs and the kitchen, making it difficult to find Roger. I gave up looking for him fairly quickly, actually, and instead looked around the room and wondered where to place myself.
I decided to join a group of about ten people who were passionately playing drinking games around a dining-room table, boisterously cheering as their friends were made to neck various combinations of alcohol. I watched them finish their game of ‘Arrogance’, essentially a dangerous game of heads or tails, before joining them to play ‘Finger in the middle’ – a game where players pour a hefty amount of their own drink into the central cup, then have to guess how many people are going to leave their fingers on the rim of the cup after the count of three. It sounds boring but it becomes fascinatingly funny when you’re drunk – which we all were.
Luckily for me, I won the first round – no idea how – and so just had to watch the others battle it out.
It was the loser of the game that caught my eye – a cute little thing with an enormous smile. I’d seen her around campus before and at a few parties. She was hard to miss with her elfin features and petite little body. I had no idea who she was, we’d never spoken, but in that moment she had my attention hooked on her.
I’d watched her as she giggled her way through the game, laughing playfully and covering her face with her hands every time she guessed wrong. Her joy quickly turned to dismay, though, as she lost and realized she’d have to down the entire contents of the half-full pint glass. She grimaced at its grey-coloured liquid, whi
ch had curdled thanks to somebody adding Bailey’s into the mix of beer, wine and spirits. Every time she went to drink it she burst out laughing as the gathered crowd cheered in encouragement, ‘Down it, down it, down it.’
‘Do I have to?’ she laughed.
‘Yes,’ shouted back the excitable crowd, not giving her any allowances for being a girl – if you were in to play, you were in for the forfeit. That was the rule.
She looked over at me and I winked at her, the alcohol giving me more confidence than normal.
In return she flashed me a massively beautiful smile.
She pushed her long blonde hair back behind her ears and lifted the cup to her mouth, her hazel eyes flicking back in my direction before she downed the lot – causing the gathered crowd to cheer in approval before dispersing in search of more alcohol for their next game.
‘Argh, that was awful,’ she said to me seconds afterwards as she stumbled towards me, wiping her mouth in disgust. ‘I promised myself I wouldn’t do that tonight.’
‘Oh really?’
‘I’m a sucker for peer pressure,’ she giggled, grabbing my bottle of beer from me and taking a mouthful. ‘Sorry – trying to get rid of the taste.’
‘More alcohol is definitely what you need after that,’ I grinned.
‘Tell me about it,’ she grimaced, handing me back my drink.
‘So, what brings you here?’ I asked.
‘It’s my house,’ she smiled.
‘Ah …’
‘You?’
‘Doing Graphic Arts with Roger.’
‘Oh, I see. You’re …?’
‘Ben.’
‘Ben,’ she smiled with a nod. ‘I’m Alice.’
We laughed as we took hold of each other’s hand and gave a formal business-like handshake.
At that point the drinking-game group had come back into the room with new supplies. One of them, a short skinny guy with bushy hair that covered his eyes, had a row of drinks cradled in his arms, clearly stocking up for more than the one game. As he passed us he got pushed by one of his more robust mates, causing him to trip, knock into another mate and spill his drinks over everyone standing around him. I was fairly unscathed, but Alice received the majority of the beer-based tidal wave.
‘Sorry,’ the guy said evasively without looking at anyone in particular, picking up the now empty plastic cups from the floor before tottering off to the kitchen to refill them, the loss of alcohol causing him more concern than anyone’s wet clothes.
‘Oh crap,’ Alice moaned, wiping some of the foamy beer off her orange dress with the back of her hand, flicking the drips onto the floor.
‘Should I go get you a cloth or something?’ I offered, gesturing towards the kitchen.
‘No, don’t worry. It’s only beer – I’m sure it’ll come out in the wash,’ she sighed, looking down at the soggy mat-erial that had decided to cling to her toned body.
I couldn’t help but notice her nipples which, thanks to the cold liquid, were standing to attention.
‘Are you sure there’s nothing I can do,’ I flustered. ‘You’re soaking wet.’
‘Easy tiger,’ she giggled.
I joined in, shaking my head at my unintended sexual innuendo.
‘I’ll just get changed,’ she shrugged, pulling the dress away from her body and giving it a little shake. ‘It’s getting late now anyway – I’m sure no one will notice if I slip away to my room for a bit. Maybe get changed into my PJs instead …’
‘Sweet,’ I nodded, looking around at the rest of the party, who seemed to be as drunk as I felt. The next round of drinking games had started, minus the bushy-haired guy who was still sourcing new drinks, Michael Jackson was blaring out of the stereo and a rowdy gaggle was attempting a comical dance-off, moonwalking around a few guys who’d passed out on the floor. Elsewhere in the room people were either in deep conversations or getting frisky with one another.
‘Want to come up?’ Alice leaned in and purred, tugging hold of my t-shirt in a playful manner that could only suggest one thing – she wasn’t about to show me her PJ collection.
‘Sure …’
We fought our way around the dance troopers, carefully avoided the gamers, passed the people still loitering on the stairs, and eventually made it to outside Alice’s room. She removed one of her high-heeled shoes and fished out a key.
‘The last thing you want at a house party is to go to bed and find it’s already occupied,’ she smirked, unlocking the door and leading us into the darkness.
As soon as she’d shut the door behind us, Alice, who I’d assumed to be fairly sweet and innocent, turned into a complete vixen – tearing at my shirt, ripping open the buttons and pulling at my jeans, pushing me onto her bed like a crazed sex beast. She was all over me – had me in her mouth within seconds.
The sex was angry and quick, full of grabbing, biting and slapping. It was a complete contrast to the loving nature of the night before, which was exactly what I needed. I couldn’t stop Maddy from entering my thoughts, no matter how much I tried to push her away. I was so angry, so fucking angry. It was her that I thought about as I thrust deep inside Alice.
After I came, I cried, much to my embarrassment.
I was distraught that the only girl I’d ever loved didn’t love me back, humiliated that I’d given such a huge part of my heart away to something that had only ever existed in my head and ashamed of myself for betraying my best friend.
Without asking any questions, Alice took my head to her chest and ran her fingers through my sweaty hair, running her hand over my forehead until I fell asleep.
I was grateful for the company.
Thankful I didn’t have to spend the night in my bed, on my own.
The following Tuesday, once my lectures were finished for the day, I took myself off to the library to study. I wasn’t able to get any work done in my room, the sight of it reminding me of the weekend’s activities, so I thought sitting alongside other students hard at work might inspire me. It turned out to be fairly quiet in there – although that wasn’t too surprising seeing as the sun had decided to grace us with its presence. I’m sure most students had opted to ‘study’ in the sunshine while they topped up their tans instead of sitting in the gloomy library, staring vacantly at a computer screen.
I was at a huge study desk on my own when Maddy came and sat down next to me. I didn’t even have to look up to know it was her, the smell of her perfume, Ghost’s Deep Night, gave her away, the sweet scent drifting in before she had. It was something that had always lifted my spirits, but on that occasion it made me squirm in my seat.
It was the first time we’d seen each other since she’d stayed at mine. It was going to be an awkward encounter, after all – I assumed she was about to break my heart and let me down gently as she told me she was back with Robert, so I braced myself.
What took me by surprise was her mood – I could tell she was pissed off at something. Her breathing was heavy, as though she was trying to keep herself calm. Her face was flushed with what appeared to be anger. She swung the chair around so that she was facing me.
I struggled to look back at her.
‘Did you sleep with Roger’s housemate?’ she asked in a quiet voice, her eyes darting around the room to make sure no one could hear us.
I was stumped.
I knew we were in dire need of a serious chat and that being with her again was going to be gut-wrenching, but I hadn’t expected that curveball to be thrown into the mix. I was thinking it would be more of an explanation from her as to what had happened after she’d left mine and ran back into Robert’s arms, forgetting that I even existed, along with some kind of apology – or possibly even making sure I wasn’t about to tell Robert about that night now that they were staying together, just in case the guilt ever got hold of me and made me want to confess all. Those were the two scenarios that had run through my head as possible first conversations post ‘that night’. Alice hadn’t factored into it at all.
‘Erm …’
‘No point denying it. I’ve just bumped into him.’
‘Who?’
‘Roger.’
‘Right.’
‘Have you known her long?’ she asked briskly, her tone thick with spite – I’d never heard her voice sound like that before, it was startling.
‘No, I’ve just seen her around a few times. We’ve never actually spoken before,’ I shrugged, suddenly feeling like a kid being reprimanded by their mother.
‘Good to know she’s someone you really care about,’ she said sarcastically. ‘Do you remember texting me?’
‘No.’
‘Well you did, telling me how much you loved me. Actually, I’m surprised you could bring yourself to tell me that while you were with her – I never knew you were such a multi-tasker,’ she cackled.
I shifted uncomfortably. I did remember contacting her. I was still in the pub at that point. I’d been in the middle of sending my fifth and final message when Roger had called. I probably wouldn’t have answered the call otherwise, but I’d picked it up by accident. I could also remember the drunken voicemail I’d left as I stumbled through town on my way to his house. They were all messages declaring my love, but I’d been unable to hide my sorrow in them, or my disappointment – luckily I couldn’t remember exactly what I’d said. I was embarrassed enough at having contacted her so desperately.
‘At least I know why you’ve been ignoring my calls since,’ she added.
‘Maddy, I’m sor –’
‘And to think I actually believed you,’ she interrupted, her eyes squinting at me in disbelief.
‘Stop it,’ I begged.
‘That I told you I loved you, that we almost …’ She hesitated as she once again glanced around the room. ‘… slept together. You told me you loved me.’
‘I do.’
‘So what happened?’
‘What do you think happened?’
You're the One That I Want Page 16
