‘Yes!’
‘See, I knew that. Oh, I don’t know,’ she sighed, as she put her head in her hands, seemingly embarrassed. ‘I made it so easy for you. I don’t usually do that. You know, what happened the other night. I’m surprised you even called. I wouldn’t have if I was you. What a tart.’
I laughed, unsure how to respond. Alice was cute. Her girlie nerves made me feel protective – they made me want to reassure her. ‘Well, I did. Plus, and I really don’t want to point this out, but, if you’re a tart, that makes me a tart … so at least we’re in good company with our tarty ways.’
She let out one of her sweet giggles as she visibly started to relax.
Once the waiter, Antonio with his signature moustache, had poured us some wine and taken our orders – we’d both gone for spaghetti and meatballs, with a side of cheesy garlic bread – I focused my attention on finding out more about Alice Turner.
‘So, come on, then. Out with it. I’m ready to find out everything about you.’
‘Everything?’ she asked, raising her eyebrows as she sipped on her wine.
‘Yes.’
‘That could take a while …’
‘True. Good job we have time, then,’ I shrugged.
‘And I’m not that interesting,’ she smiled.
‘Maybe just some highlights into the world of Alice Turner, then. Give me five fun facts.’
‘Ooh, the pressure is on!’
‘Make them good,’ I teased.
‘How to make myself sound fun and desirable …’ she pondered with a smile, as she rested her chin on the palms of her hands and tapped her fingers against her cheeks. ‘Okay, fact one, I study English Language and am in my third year, which, yes, means that we’ve been in the same city for three years and never actually spoken.’
‘How weird!’
‘Not really. I’ve seen you around but you’ve usually been with a girl, a redhead, so I assumed you two were an item until Roger told me otherwise. Plus, I was dating this guy for most of that time – a loser. Unimportant,’ she said, waving her hand to dismiss him further with a grimace on her face.
‘Ha! Carry on,’ I beckoned, wanting to swiftly move past the fact that Maddy had been brought up; something I didn’t want us to dwell on for too long.
‘Fact two, I grew up in Brentwood, Essex, with my mum, dad, and little brother, George.’
‘An Essex girl?’
‘Why does everyone say it like that?’ she said with a bemused frown.
‘Like what?’
‘You know.’
‘No …’
I did.
‘Wipe that grin off your face, mister. Contrary to popular belief, us Essex girls do actually have brains – we’re not all handbags and white stilettos.’
‘Clearly,’ I smiled, enjoying the glimpse of her feisty side.
‘Fact three, I thought I was going to be a time traveller like Dr Who when I grew up, until I found out that he was fictional and that it wasn’t an actual job. So, now I want to be a journalist.’
‘You followed up your argument about having brains with admitting you wanted to be a time traveller?’
‘Ha! Fair play, but I was young.’
‘Oh, forgiven, then,’ I nodded, enjoying teasing her. ‘So, what sort of journalist?’
‘A features writer for some big, fat, glossy magazine!’
‘Sounds great.’
‘Gosh, these were meant to be interesting facts!’
‘They are!’ I laughed.
We paused as the waiter came back over with a basket of bread and butter.
‘Okay, fact four, I have a slight obsession with giraffes. Nothing major, but I do have a giraffe onesie that I like to chill out in …’
‘Sounds delightful. You’ve talked a lot about your PJs.’
‘Have I?’ she giggled. ‘I do love a good pair of pyjamas! And fact number … oh, I’ve forgotten what fact I’m on. Fact whatever-this-is, I own, and wear in private, a pair of slippers.’
‘Is that it?’
‘Oh no, these are not just any slippers. These are a pair of blue Little Miss Bossy slippers – they’re like big cuddly toys that go on each foot. I can hardly walk around when I’m in them, they’re so huge, but they keep my feet warm … I just can’t get rid of them.’
‘Do you wear the slippers and the onesie at the same time?’
‘Don’t be ridiculous … I’d look stupid. Besides, they clash. Believe me, I’ve tried it,’ she laughed. ‘Now, that’s enough about me, I want to know all about you!’
‘Well, I’m really not interesting. I don’t have an animal onesie for a start.’
‘But if you could pick an animal outfit to chill out in, what would it be?’ she pushed.
‘Ooh, that’s a tough one.’
‘You have to think carefully.’
‘Maybe something like a koala? I imagine they’d be good to snuggle in.’
‘Mmm … good choice,’ she giggled.
The rest of the night flew by with ease. The hesitant start a distant memory by the time I dropped Alice off at her door hours later.
‘It’s been a great night,’ I said as we stopped outside.
‘It has …’ Alice smiled, rooting through her bag and pulling out her front door key.
Before she had a chance to put it in the lock, I put my arm around her waist and pulled her in for a kiss – our first that night.
She started giggling as soon as it was over.
‘What?’
‘I don’t know,’ she smiled, looking up at me. ‘Are you coming in?’
‘Not tonight.’
‘You’re not?’ she asked, sounding surprised, playing with the sleeve of my top with her fingers, her lips forming a little pout of disappointment.
‘No … I usually save that until at least the third date, and I don’t want you to get the wrong impression of me – or worry that I have the wrong impression of you.’
‘I see …’ she pondered, nodding her head.
‘Hmmm …’ I playfully sighed as I fiddled with the strap of her dress on her shoulder, tempted to go against my own valiant words.
‘So you think there’s going to be a next time?’ she asked, raising her eyebrows.
‘I’d like to think so,’ I said, leaning in for another kiss. ‘And a time after that.’
‘If you’re lucky,’ she giggled.
I got back to five emails from Maddy. The first continued with the same angry tone as before, the middle three were wondering where I was and the last was more like the Maddy I knew … calm and reasonable.
I’m sorry. I’m just going to put it out there right now. I’m being a complete twat. Getting angry with you isn’t going to help things. My head’s a bit messed up. Well, I say a bit … really I mean a lot. Of course I don’t wish you’d never said anything. That was a stupid and pathetic thing to say. I’d never want to take away what happened the other night. I’ll never wish it didn’t happen. It was beautiful.
I’m getting irate because I’m scared of losing you and I don’t want that to happen. You know how much you mean to me. I know we’ll be able to get through this – it’ll just take time.
Sorry for being a loser … and a crazy nutcase. Hope you don’t think less of me. In fact, please ignore all previous emails. Off to seek professional help immediately. I believe they’ll have a straitjacket waiting for me upon arrival. Ha!
Let me know you’re all right. x
I sighed as I closed my laptop and put it away, realizing that Maddy was always going to have the ability to draw me in. It was the way I’d conditioned myself to be over the years – my heart would always belong to her. Knowing that irritated me after spending such a great night with Alice, and, instead of it making me want to cool off things with her – after all, I doubted anyone could level up to the unrealistic pedestal I’d put Maddy on – it made me want to make more of an effort with her. I thought she deserved a chance.
Maddy and Rober
t were staying together, so I knew it would have been painful for me to remain single and watch the two of them together, acting as though nothing bad had ever happened between them. I didn’t want to be sat on the sidelines pining after Maddy, yet again. No, I told myself, it was time to make some changes, and pursuing things with Alice was how to start. Plus, I imagined being with her would ensure that I’d definitely keep my distance from Maddy, stopping me from crossing boundaries once again. Not that I thought I would, but having obtained something I’d desired for so long, well, it increased my thirst rather than quenched it. The thought of being with Maddy was more real than ever before, I knew what I was missing, knew how we could be together, knew her body’s secrets, the way it curved, the way it responded to my touch – they were no longer just little thoughts I’d imagined in my head, instead they were very real.
I knew I needed to push those thoughts from my mind, and divert that energy onto something else, before I ruined things beyond repair.
Alice was my only hope, so I decided to give her my all.
Maddy
Twenty-one years old …
I’d known and seen Ben almost every day for the past twelve years, but, following our passionate love affair, when I thought of him I was bombarded with visions of his face that night. The way he’d nervously smiled as he confessed his feelings at the pub, the way he longingly looked at my lips before kissing me, or the way his mouth grazed my body. Just thinking of the latter would cause a tug on my insides and a wave of excitement in my knickers – something I’d instantly feel ashamed of.
I was angry with him for sleeping with Alice, but what did I expect? Of course I could see everything from his point of view. The situation was so messy. In a way he’d given me a get-out clause, given me reason to turn my back on him and his words, but I had an internal need to know that he loved me and cared. I didn’t want to feel that what we’d shared wasn’t real. I needed to know it was more than a lusty night. I wasn’t the sort of girl to drop my knickers for anyone who came knocking, after all. For the first time in my life I’d done something completely reckless and I hated the fact that it made me a bad person.
I bumped into Ben down the street from his house. Which, yes, sounds suspiciously like I was stalking him and trying my best to run into him … that would be a correct assumption to make. I wasn’t sure what else to do. He’d stopped answering my emails, calls and texts when I’d turned a bit psycho in an email to him. Okay, it was several emails in the space of a few hours, but I hadn’t meant to, I was just so frustrated by the whole thing and emotionally drained. Seeing as Ben was the only person who knew the full extent of my life’s current affairs (bad choice of words, but you know what I mean) it seemed like he was the only one I could vent to. I was taking every ounce of anger I’d been feeling out on Ben thanks to the guilt that had decided to rear its ugly head, making me unable to vent such frustrations at Robert – even though he’d started the whole thing. How pathetic does that sound?!
The way I’d acted towards Ben was unfair and I regretted the emails straight away. He eventually sent a lovely reply back – he didn’t just leave me in silence to hate myself (although he didn’t relieve me of my torment for a whole twenty-seven hours and nineteen minutes), saying he completely understood and that all he wanted was for us both to be happy. It was the few days of silence that he followed that up with that led me to engineer seeing him that morning! I knew he was avoiding me and it’s fair to say it was starting to make me go a little mad. So, one Thursday morning, when I knew he’d be heading for a lecture, I accidentally-on-purpose made sure I was walking in the opposite direction and that we would inevitably collide into each other at some point. I spotted his bouncing walk from quite a distance; it created a wave of affection and brought a smile to my lips, something I wasn’t prepared for. He noticed me a few hundred yards away and continued to walk towards me. I took that for a good sign. As he got nearer I saw he was smiling, and the butterflies inside me went berserk.
‘Hey, you,’ he said casually as he got closer.
‘Hey …’
Stopping when he was yards away from me, Ben rocked backwards and forwards on his feet in uncertainty, no doubt wondering what I was doing springing the surprise visit on him. Stupidly I hadn’t planned what to do after bumping into him, which led to me looking like a complete idiot as I became tongue-tied. I knew he’d been ignoring me; I had just wanted to see him and check everything was okay. Force him into making some sort of interaction with me, but instead, I knew he felt cornered. Ben hated any kind of confrontation, always had.
The silence between us spoke volumes. It was one of those moments where subtext and body language said everything where words failed. I felt aware of every part of my body and ridiculously aware of his. The way he licked his upper lip with the tip of his tongue, ran his fingers through his thick hair and gave it a tousle, the way his eyes focused on mine briefly before looking down at the ground. The connection sent a bolt of unexpected pleasure through me as it instantly transported me back to his bedroom, back to his bed, back to the way he’d looked at me with fresh eyes – back to his secret smile.
Being so close to Ben was far more charged and awkward than I had expected, creating an astounding amount of conflict within me. I immediately wished I wasn’t there and reprimanded myself for manipulating the ambush … but then, a large part of me wished I could just go up and kiss him. That it was my tongue licking his lips, my fingers running through his hair – and that we were back in his bed, picking up where we’d left off. I winced at those thoughts and wondered why my brain was so quick to betray Robert, the guy I was supposed to love with all my heart. The one I was trying to forgive.
‘How have you been?’ he asked, looking up at me properly for the first time, allowing his gaze to rest on mine for more than a split second.
‘Fine,’ I answered, unable to resist smiling at him. ‘You?’
‘Good. Really good.’
‘Great.’
‘Yeah …’
‘You’re looking good,’ I blurted.
‘Really?’ he laughed, looking down at himself. He was wearing his normal ripped baggy jeans, with a slim-fit stripy blue and white t-shirt. He looked the same as normal, but there was something different about him, and I don’t think it was solely down to my raging hormones. ‘Must be the sunshine,’ he offered as he gestured upwards.
‘Yeah …’
An awkward silence fell upon us as we looked up at the blue sky above, as though we were inspecting the weather. We were far from relaxed together.
‘Ben, is everything okay? With us?’ I asked quickly, embarrassed to be even asking the question. It felt like such a silly and adolescent thing to ask. I wasn’t used to speaking in that way to him. I’d never had the need to before.
His eyes rested on mine as he exhaled. ‘Of course.’
‘You’ve been avoiding me.’
‘I haven’t,’ he shrugged.
‘Are you really going to try and deny it?’ I asked, raising my eyebrows at him.
‘Okay, you’re right,’ he sighed, tugging on the strap of his backpack as he jiggled uncomfortably on the spot. ‘I thought that it was for the best. Just for a little bit, mind. But I’m feeling better about everything now. You know?’
‘I guess, but you could’ve given me some warning before you went MIA. I’ve been going mad with worry.’
‘Ha! Sorry about that. I feel like I’ve got my head screwed back on again now. All I needed was some time.’
‘But you’re back now?’
‘Yes! Definitely,’ he beamed as he gave me a squeeze on the arm.
The arm.
Not the hand.
Just one.
Not three.
I couldn’t help but feel sad as I noticed the absence of the two extra pulses.
‘Robert’s worried about you,’ I said in a strained manner, aware that I was bringing up he-who-shall-not-be-named. ‘I said you’ve been busy wit
h work and stuff, but he wants to see you when he’s down at the weekend. He’s even mentioned storming into your bedroom and dragging you away from your desk.’
Ben laughed loudly.
‘He thinks you’re angry at him.’
‘Oh. I see. I’ll give him a call later.’
‘Thanks.’
‘Actually, talking about work, I’d better be going,’ he said, pointing his thumb in the direction he was meant to be walking in.
‘Yes, of course …’
‘Where are you off to?’
‘Oh, I was just … wandering around,’ I couldn’t help but smile. I knew he knew I was there just to see him.
‘Sounds great,’ he grinned, slapping his hands against the sides of his thighs. ‘Right, I’ll speak to you later, Mad.’
He grabbed hold of me and pulled me in for a hug then. I’m not sure if it was just a habit that he’d forgotten to break or whether it was an urge like the ones I’d been fighting that had led him into the embrace. He lifted me up slightly and ever so gently brushed my naked neck with his lips. The sudden intimacy led me to inhale deeply as his being took over my body, eradicating all rational thought. The bubble that we’d previously found ourselves in had come back to cocoon us once more, making everything around us disappear within seconds.
The way he released me abruptly, jumping back in shock and putting distance between us once more, suggested the action had caught him off guard too. But, whereas I’d welcomed it, he hadn’t. It alarmed him and caused him to flee.
‘Must dash!’ he said nervously, his cheeks flaming red as he launched himself into a fast-paced power walk away from me.
As I watched him get further away, one word sprang to mind – FUCK! It dawned on me that the next few months were going to be incredibly hard if my mind so easily disintegrated in his company, if his touch could generate such a colossal reaction within me. I wasn’t sure how I’d cope.
‘I’ve finally spoken to Ben!’ Robert said with relief on the phone that night.
You're the One That I Want Page 18
