She lays a large yellow envelope on the glass table and stands, putting the strap of her purse on her shoulder. "I came to you because I heard through the grapevine that you're the best. I'm counting on it. Thank you for meeting with me."
She walks out, closing the door behind her. I lean back in my chair and prop my elbow on the armrest. "What a mind fuck."
Please don't give up on me...
"Dammit!" I stand, shoving my rolling chair back into the door. I turn and knock it out of the way, before opening the door and jogging down the hall until I barge into the lobby. Mary Elizabeth stands as I hand her the envelope. "Put that paperwork into the open jobs file and lock my office. Hold my messages and call Chevy if anyone comes in. I have to go. Got it?"
"Yes, sir."
I halt as she starts shuffling paperwork at her desk. "Mary Elizabeth."
"Yes, sir?"
"Stop calling me fucking sir. I'm barely older than you are. Call me Kaston or you're fired." Her eyes widen and her cheeks turn red. "It was a joke, Mary Elizabeth. I'm not going to fire you, unless you let another woman into my office. After I straighten this shit out only one other woman aside from you is allowed. Are we clear?"
She smiles. I don't think I've ever seen the girl show any emotion since I hired her. This one reaches her eyes, showing the small smile lines. "You have my word."
"Good. Have a good night." I turn and start walking to the elevator.
"Tell her you need her and can't live without her." I stop again. "Girls have to feel needed. We don't want to be the girl you can live with. We want to be the girl you can't live without. It's a simple truth. Goodnight, Kaston."
"Remind me to give you a raise when I get back."
I pull my phone from my pocket as I walk to the elevator. The doors open as the call connects and I step inside. "What you need?"
Tattoo guns are buzzing in the background.
"Kross, this isn't business it's personal. I need a favor."
"What you got for me?"
"I need Delta's number."
The doors close.
Silence.
"That may cost you."
"Just name it. She's a resource I need."
"I'll text it to you. Be waiting. I'll collect in due time. I always do."
He disconnects the call and I slide my phone back into my pocket, waiting fucking impatiently for that vibration...
"I'm going to look for something to drink. I'll be right back. Do you want anything?"
I look at him as he stands from his seat in the lobby of our gate, and then shake my head. "No, thanks."
He nods and walks away, my thoughts immediately going back to earlier. That speech Kaston made keeps playing in my mind on repeat as if there is something wrong with the record player. I can't shut it off. I've seemed like a zombie ever since.
I feel like I have the flu. My body aches, I feel feverish, and I feel like I could sleep for days. I have a headache from Hell and suddenly I'm not feeling sun and sand in the great west. This is the right decision. It has to be. I know I'm a fucked up person. I wish I could change it, but I can't. I don’t expect others to understand. The damage started when I was too young to know any better. Kaston deserves better than what I can physically or emotionally give him. I want a happily ever after for him. You can't have that if you're constantly walking through sludge with someone else.
I look down at my phone. There is a message from Delta and a voicemail from a toll free number I don't recognize. That's weird. I never felt it vibrate during the call. Maybe my signal faded in and out.
I open the message from Delta first.
Delta: Don't do it. If you do this you're stupid. I say that with love.
Me: It's already been done. This is best. Thank you for having my back though. You always have.
A few minutes pass as I stare at the screen that says she's typing.
Delta: I don't like the sound of that damn message. Are you fucking depressed again? I'm not going through seventh grade year all over again, Lux. Fuck that. I barely pulled you out of the fire. Fuck all the haters. We are survivors. Do you hear me? We walked out of Hell with no one's help. We did it alone and we aren't going back. Smother the guilt and let yourself be happy. That's not on you, babe. We all have to pay for what we do in life. Slowly, but surely, Karma is making its rounds. Don't let them fucking win. For once in your life let someone else love you. Please. It's not your fault she didn't make it...either of them. Let someone experience the best of you, just as I have. I'm begging you."
Me: If only I knew how...
My eyes gloss over. Fuck. I won't do this here. I won't think about her. I buried her a long time ago. I lay my phone down to pull my wallet out and open it. Behind the photo of Delta and me in Cancun lies the photo that only one other person has seen: Delta. I remove the worn, folded photo and open it. I haven't looked at it since graduation. This is the main reason I only change wallets every half decade, minimum. I can rarely bring myself to touch it. It's sacred. Out of sight out of mind.
The day Sophie was born Delta was the only one that stayed by my side the entire time. Mom disappeared until she didn't have a choice when I was discharged. I was a minor. When Delta found out she didn't make it, she took every penny to her name and bought her a dress and a disposable camera. Sometimes that girl knows me better than I know myself. She finishes my sentences. I would have never made it this far without her. I don't know how she even knew to get preemie size at that age, and it still was too big. Hell, come to think of it I don't even know how she got there or who took her, but the point is that she did, because somehow she knew that even though I wasn't ready for a permanent reminder then, one day I would be. It took me a few years to even work up the nerve to have the film developed. My mind just wasn’t ready then. I was so young.
I stare down at the tiny part of me that never got a chance, a part of me gone that I'll never get back. She was beautiful, even at such a tiny stage. "It feels wrong to love someone or be loved in return when you didn't get a chance to have that part of me," I whisper. A tear falls, but I quickly swipe it before anyone can take notice.
I fold it back up and put it away, remembering Flynn will be back any moment now. I return my wallet to my purse. Then I remember that voicemail. I pick my phone up and go to my voicemail app, hitting the play button before placing my phone to my ear.
The recording starts to play, a female voice...
Miss Larsen,
This is Angela with Le Cordon Bleu, office of registration, in regards to your acceptance into our culinary program beginning this fall. As you know the summer is coming to a close and fall semester is nearing. An anonymous payer has paid your tuition and all fees in full, but you have yet to come in and officially register or see someone to schedule your classes. Please call our office as soon as possible. Hope to hear from you soon. The number for callback is 888-
The phone falls from my hand into my open purse sitting in my lap. There are only two people that would even have any clue about that: Delta and Kaston. I didn't tell either one of them about the acceptance letter, and Delta can't afford to pay it if she even wanted to. How would he have known?
The trash... Was he there?
"Are you ready to go? It's time to board."
I'm pulled from my thoughts at the recognition of Flynn's return. I pull the straps of my purse on my shoulder and stand. "Yes, I'm ready."
It's time to leave the south behind. A lot of things have happened to me on Georgia soil; a lot of bad, some good, and some unfinished, but the important thing is that I'm actually putting a plan into action to change my future from the past all by myself. I haven't told Flynn yet, but this isn't a round trip for me. I just need a one-way ticket, because I'm not coming back. I haven't even told Delta, because I knew she would scream and yell, call me crazy, and then tell me this is exactly what I need. She's always been my biggest supporter, but I couldn't do the goodbye part. She's my best friend, my god-sister, and the prot
ector of my soul until the right person comes along to release it to, but that'll never happen. The only person that would have been worthy of the title is here, holding on to my heart, because he kind of stole it and never gave it back, but he never has to know.
There, I've admitted it to myself. I love Kaston Cox. I love him with every cell that makes up who I am. He brought me back to life when I didn't even know I was dying. He brings out the best in me. He makes me a better person. Knowing his heart has been the biggest honor I've ever been given. He made me want to dream again. He made me want to fight for a better life, so that's what I'm doing. He made believe in happily ever afters again, so I'm sacrificing mine to give him a fucking great one, because that's what you do when you love someone. You do what's best for them, and sometimes that's removing yourself from the equation. In the frame of time that’s passed I barely know him, yet I feel like I've known him forever. Even with everything that's happened this has still been the best fucking summer of my life, and the most memorable one.
The line moves up one body at a time. Flynn hands our plane tickets to the employee standing at the terminal. He starts walking, but I remain standing, looking back out across the lobby. I turn toward him. He's standing and waiting. "Lux, you coming?"
"Yeah..."
I catch up and we walk through the tunnel, the flight attendant getting closer with every step. Each step that I take it gets harder to breathe. I place my hand over the left side of my chest. My heart is racing...and hurting. I'm starting to sweat. I'm about to start wheezing. Just like earlier, it feels like that day at the beach all over again, just occurring slower than before.
I stop and close my eyes. Every moment since we met that night flashes through my mind like the trailer to a major motion picture. A tear slips free and runs down my cheek. "Flynn, I can't do this. I'm sorry."
My eyes open and he's staring at me with his hand on his carryon. "Is it about the guy at the club?"
"It's about the guy that owns my heart; one organ the human body can't live without. I'll never survive there, because my heart is here, with him. I'm so sorry. I thought I could, but I can't."
He walks toward me and kisses me on the forehead. "Don't be sorry, love. At least you didn't wait until it was too late...like I did. Goodbye, Lux. Maybe I'll see you soon."
He turns and walks away, disappearing when he reaches the end of the terminal. I feel so stupid. Maybe it is too late. I never thought of that. A guy like Kaston isn't really for second chances.
I walk back to the seating area and sit down in the same seat as before. I pull out my phone and open the message chat box between Kaston and I. He may not even answer, but I at least have to try.
Me: I have a bone to pick with you.
Immediately I get a response.
Kaston: Oh yeah? You miss my boners already?
I laugh.
Me: That too.
Kaston: So what'd I do?
Me: That stalker shit again...
Kaston: It's your fault. You kind of bring that out in me.
Me: Yeah?
Kaston: Yeah. I wear that role proudly. Although, which time are you referring to? There may have been several. If I'm pleading guilty, I'd like to know to which charge.
I laugh again, this time a little loud.
Me: I never told you I got into culinary school.
Kaston: Oh, that. So much for being fucking anonymous.
Me: I told you I didn't want anyone to pay for my dream.
Kaston: I saw talent that didn't need to go to waste, so I acted on it. You can call it a business investment for all I care. Your dreams are my reality, baby.
More tears fall.
I bite my bottom lip, blinking in an attempt to read the screen of my phone. I breathe deeply, trying to calm my nerves.
Me: You win.
I wait.
"How so?"
Oh, God. Now I'm hearing his voice. I really am going crazy.
Someone squats in front of me and I look up, a huge smile appearing. My face is making contradictory statements: crying and smiling. “You found me…”
“I’ll always find you, baby. I promised you I’d never give up.”
“How did you know I was here?”
“I used my stalker ways.” He wipes my tears. “How did I win?”
"Because you made me fall in love with you."
The corners of his lips curve upward. "You done running yet?"
"Probably not." I laugh. "You done chasing me yet?"
He tucks my hair behind my ear, showing more of my face. "Never. I need you too much, and I can't live without you."
My heart starts beating erratically, straining against my chest cavity in an attempt to break free. "I love you, Kaston. I do. I know you could have better, but I want to try to be your Emerald City."
He slides me off the chair onto his lap. "I don't want Emerald City, Lux, if my home is in Kansas. Where you are is where I want to be. Why would I want better when I already have the best there is? You can't give me away, baby. When words fail me, lyrics save me. There is a song by Hinder called, Anyone but you, that explains it perfectly already. I'll disappear forever, if you want me to, and I'll find somebody new, but I can't love anyone but you."
That is the trigger that breaks me. There is no one other man that is more perfect for me than him. He is my equilibrium, my balance. He completes me. I've lied to myself for too long already. I'll never walk away from him again. I can't. I grab his face in my hands. "I couldn't have said it any better," I whisper, and kiss him like we've been apart for an eternity, in the middle of this airport surrounded by other people, because with him I don't give a damn. He's mine; the first thing that really ever has been only mine.
We pull into his house, parking the truck in the garage. I feel like I'm really home for the first time in my entire life, even more so than before. I exit and walk toward the door, exhausted. The house is quiet. He pulls me into the laundry room from the garage, before lifting me and setting me on top of the washer. "What do you want to do?"
"I don't really care, as long as I'm with you, but the Jacuzzi sounds nice. What do you think?"
"Whatever you want to do, I'm game." He kisses me and immediately goes for my clothes, trying to pull them off. "I just want to be inside of you. How long are you off work?"
I pull away, feeling guilty. "Um, about that."
He looks at me, confused. "What?"
"I kind of quit my job a few hours ago. I wasn't planning on coming back. I was just going to pick up and start over. California was the option that came available, a ready-made decision. Fuck, I don't know if Jason will take me back now. I left him high and dry, no notice, nothing. It was stupid, but I wasn't thinking of the consequences of hasty decisions at the time."
He smiles at me, his arms blocking me from going anywhere. I'm confused on why openly admitting irresponsibility would be a good thing. Grown adults with bills don't just up and quit their jobs. "Why are you smiling," I ask.
"Because now I really can kiss you anytime I want. Plus, I'm taking you to Paris before you start school. You don't need a job while you're in school. You need to study."
I haven't really evaluated that subject yet, but now that he mentioned it. "Uh, not a chance bossy. I'm paying you back for school if I'm really going to do this. That requires a job."
"I agree."
"See, so stop all that crazy talk about me not working."
"You aren't working for someone else. You're working for me."
"I'm confused. You want me to work at your company? Doing what? Answering phones and being your personal assistant? I thought you already had someone doing that."
"No. You can pay me back in food that makes me have foodgasms as you called it not that long ago and lots of sex." He gives me a cocky grin. "I fully expect you to come see me at the office in a trench coat with nothing underneath in any spare time you have. You won't have enough time for a real job. Plus, the only bill you have is what, a c
ell phone? Gas? I think I'm perfectly capable of adding that bill. I would hardly consider that a burden. School is important. I went. Now it's your turn. Let me give that to you."
I grab his hand and hold it to my chest, letting him feel what's going on inside of me. My heart is pounding, working overtime to pump the blood throughout my body. My brain is still playing catch up from what my heart has known for a while now. "You're the only person that's ever done this to me. Just know that it scares me to let it go. I'll never be able to undo all the damage from growing up. I'll still make you crazy when you try to love me. It's a defense mechanism. Sometimes I may give in, sometimes I may rebel, and sometimes I may avoid doing anything at all, but no matter what remember that regardless of which I choose that day I always feel the same, because I love you. Like the scars from all the damage, that is irreversible."
"I love you too, Lux, scars and all."
He kisses my neck, his hands going for the bottom of my skirt. My hands go for his sides, getting more and more turned on as his lips move along the seam of my neck, toward my ear. Suddenly I have the desire to do this different. I want to be sexy for him. Our sex life has been sudden, passionate, occasionally a little rough or violent from our personalities, and sometimes slow and sensual, but never premeditated. I want to leave him speechless. I want him to savor me as I walk toward him. I want to feel like the only one in the room, like Cinderella did. It's not something I've ever wanted to experience before, but with him I do.
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