by Green, Vicki
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
“Are you all packed?” I look up at Bill as he enters our bedroom and smile. He strides over and I stand as his arms wrap around me, his lips kissing my forehead and I try to relax. “Hey.” I look into his eyes that are full of concern, and I hate that he’s feeling that way because of me. “Everything’s going to be great. You’ll see all your friends. We’ll dance and have a few drinks and you’ll have a good time.” God, I hope he’s right. His hands move down to my hips and squeezes them. “Quit worrying. Maybe he won’t even show up.” He releases his hold and walks over to the closet, gathering a few shirts and then walks back to his suitcase. I watch as he folds them neat and crisp and places them in there gently. I get the strangest feeling. Shaking my head, I grab another pair of pants, fold them and put them in my suitcase. I can feel his eyes on me, and I quickly look his way. “Here, let me help.” He takes the two steps over to me, and I take two back. He starts rearranging and refolding my clothes until they’re all in there perfectly. Neat and tidy. My body shivers. “Why don’t you go finish packing up your cosmetic bag? We need to leave in….” He brings his arm up, looking at his watch, and shakes his head. “We need to get a move on. We need to leave in ten minutes.” He lifts his head and looks at me. “You know I like to be early at the airport.”
I nod, numbly, and turn. I walk to the bathroom and try to finish packing my small bag. I look up into the mirror and see the frown on my face. Tilting my head slightly I just stare at myself. After meeting Bill at the campus coffee shop over a year ago, he became such a good friend to me when I needed one so badly. I was a mess and having a hard time with all my feelings for Jase. Feelings I wasn’t sure I should have, and he listened to me, day after day, until I became so relaxed around him, my feelings changed for him. He suggested that I quit talking with Jase so much, thinking maybe that would help get over him, move on. I was scared to death. Scared of losing the one person who was always there for me growing up, shared everything with, but I knew he was right. After the accident, Jase was so different. We still hung out until we both went our separate ways to college, but it was strained. He wasn’t the same. I’m not sure he ever will be. When Bill asked me out on an official date, I was thrilled. Over time, he helped me to move on. But I’ll never forget.
I touch my hand to my face. I look so much older and so will Jase. Five years. I went home several times over the years, visited my friends and reminisced about good times. Jase never did, or so his mom told me. She emailed me sometimes. Tried to keep me up on all the neighborhood gossip, but she brought up Jase too much. I quit reading them and saved them in a folder on my computer.
“Come on, Alena. We need to go.” I startle at his voice. Quickly, I start throwing the last of my makeup into the small case and try to shake off my thoughts. It’ll be fine. Maybe Bill’s right. Maybe he won’t be there.
We get to the airport three hours early, and I’m restless as we sit in the waiting area. Finally, they announce our boarding and I sigh in relief. Of course, Bill travels in first class, so we get plenty of room to stretch out. We have champagne, a great dinner and soon he’s asleep next to me. I get bored and open my laptop. I do a few edits to one of my designs for a website I’m working on for a client when I hear the chatter of a couple behind us.
“It’s such a shame,” a woman’s voice says. “She was so young. What a tragedy to lose her life. I’m sure it will be a nice service.”
The feeling of loss overwhelms me, and I close my eyes tight.
“She had so much life to live. It’s such a shame.” Mrs. Birmingham sits across from me in the Briggs’ living room, sipping on her coffee on their couch. “I can’t imagine what Jase is going through, witnessing the accident and watching Olivia be struck by that truck. The poor boy.”
I stand quickly, not wanting to hear anymore, and walk to the front door. When I close it behind me, I take off in a run, down the front walk, down the sidewalk, and I keep running to where I know Jase will be. My body is full of sweat, the sun beating down on me. As I get near the playground, I look swiftly at the fort and head straight for it. I bend down, crawl into the small doorway and look up. There he is, sitting at the top, his legs bent in front of him, his arms setting on his knees and his head is laying back against the wall. Still. Eyes closed. If it wasn’t for the small rise and fall of his chest, I wouldn’t know he was alive. I climb the ladder, but he doesn’t stir as I sit down next to him. We sit there in silence for a long time. He doesn’t move. My hand pushes away from my leg, and I lay it over his. He flinches then relaxes again.
It was dark by the time I got home. As soon as I close the front door, Mom runs over to me and hugs me tight. “Oh, honey! I was getting worried.” She releases me but holds onto my shoulders and gives me a warm smile. “How is Jase doing? Oh, that’s such a stupid question. I’m sure he’s hurting.”
I look into her eyes, mine filling with tears, and she moves closer quickly, holding me again. “Mom. I don’t know how to help him. He blames himself. He’s closed off from me. He won’t talk to me, Mom.” I start sobbing into her chest as she rubs my back.
“Oh, no! It wasn’t his fault. I’m so sorry.” She moves back, and I wipe under my eyes. “Give him time, honey. Time won’t make it go away, but it does help heal the hurt. Come. I’m making a batch of my cookies to take over there tomorrow. Want to help?” I nod slightly and she takes my hand, leading me to the kitchen. I feel so helpless. I should have hugged him, told him something, anything. But I was at such a loss for words. How do you tell your best friend that everything will be okay when his sister was just killed, and he blames himself?
“Darling? It’s time to wake up. We’re touching down.”
Slowly, I open my eyes, and they focus on Bill’s face. I sit up in the chair and stretch my legs out in front of me. I had no idea I’d fallen asleep. I turn and look out the window. The familiar landscape below moves by quickly as we descend. My heart kicks up a notch as I realize that I’ll be home soon, seeing my mom and dad, the neighborhood, and all the sights I’ve missed in the last couple of years. The excitement of seeing everything starts to stir within, and I jump when the plane hits the ground.
Since we are allowed to leave the plane first, we head straight to the baggage claim and gather our two bags, and walk to the car rental place. Dad wanted to pick us up but Bill wouldn’t have anything to do with it, saying he wanted a car to drive while we’re here, even though we have an extra car we could have used at home. I stand there trying to be patient as he talks with the attendant. He’s annoyed because he didn’t get the SUV he wanted and refuses to drive the Buick car they offered him. By the time they get him the car he wanted, get our bags in the back and strap ourselves into our seats, I’m exhausted and feel a headache coming on. I give him directions on the way to my parents’ house and watch intently as we drive. I have so many emotions flooding me as we move through town and past the theatre where Jase and I spent so much time together. I watch the mall whizz by where my other best friend, Hailey, and I shopped so much. My fingers dig into the leather of my seat when I see the walking trail as we drive over the crosswalk in front of where Olivia was killed in our neighborhood, and I close my eyes briefly.
“Alena? Darling? Are you okay?” I feel his hand grab mine and squeeze it gently. I had no idea I was breathing so hard.
I turn to look at the worried frown on his handsome face and give him a small smile. “I will be.” He gives me a sad smile in return and looks back at the road, his hand keeping a firm grip on mine.
My heart starts beating fast again but for a different reason. My smile lifts when we pull onto my street. I look around, the houses haven’t changed much. Same manicured lawns, same sidewalks I used to ride my bike on. The Anderson’s have changed the color of their house from brown to a light gray and all the new flowers blooming in various places. As we pull into the driveway, I look
fondly at our house. So many memories that I feel a bit overwhelmed. It’s the same. It’s so different. I’m different.
When we get out and are getting our bags from the back, the front door opens and my head snaps to the sound. I drop my bag to the ground, hoping I didn’t break any of my makeup, and run up the drive, the small walkway and straight into my mom’s arms. “Oh, honey! It’s so good to see you!” She hugs me tightly. Her smell is the same as I’ve always remembered. Lilac. The warmth of her arms, her loving embrace, filling me with joy. God, I’ve missed her. She pushes me away but only at arm’s length. “Let me look at you.” My smile is so big that I feel like I’m going to bust as her eyes move up and down my body, and then she frowns. “You’ve lost too much weight. Are you not eating well?” I open my mouth but don’t get a chance to respond as she puts her arm around me and leads me into the house. “Well, good thing you’re home. I have a ton of things planned to cook. All your favorites. I’ll get you fattened up.” I close my mouth and chuckle to myself.
“No worries. I got all the bags,” Bill’s voice sounds behind us, and I turn my head to see the look on his face. Quickly, it changes from a small scowl to a small smile.
“Last door on the right, up the stairs,” my mom shouts back.
I give him a smile and shrug my shoulder. “No problem. Thank you, Mrs. Spencer.” He winks at me and walks away towards the stairs. I start to wonder how much all of this is bothering him or maybe it’s the tension I’ve been feeling from him the last few months.
“Nice man. It’s not Jase, but I guess he’s nice.” I stop and still. “Oh, honey. I’m sorry. And here I promised myself I wouldn’t bring him up.” Her eyes sadden.
I turn my head and try to smile. “It’s okay, Mom. Jase was always a part of our lives. You can’t not talk about our memories without bringing him up. I’ll be fine.” She rubs my shoulder up and down, and then we start walking to the kitchen again. I sigh as we enter. It’s going to be a long week. I wonder if I shouldn’t have come.
Chapter 2
My phone went off several times during my run, but I didn’t want to stop and answer it. I’m sure it was Mom trying to persuade me into coming over, again. I know she means well except she needs to leave it alone. I’ve been to two different therapists, both helped some. For me the only thing that helps the most is my running and working out. The nightmares have lessened, although I’m not sure they will ever go away, and I know I’ll never forget that day when I lost Liv. The sounds of the music in my ears make me run a little faster, but my body is screaming for me to go home. I finally listen to my aching muscles and start slowing down to a jog as I make my way to my house. By the time I get to the front porch I’m walking, trying to slow my breathing down. When I get to the steps, I lean my hands against the railing, stretching out my legs, my feet and my back.
Taking the key from the pocket of my gym shorts, I walk up the steps and unlock the front door, flipping the light switch on the wall to the right. After locking up, I walk straight to the kitchen and grab a bottled water from the fridge, nearly downing the entire thing. I look down at the near empty shelves and scrunch up my face. “Damn. I really need to hit the grocery store soon.” A shelf half full of bottled waters, half a head of lettuce and various containers that I’m sure need to have the food thrown out, are the only things in there. I let out a big sigh. I’ll do that tomorrow. Drinking the rest of the water, I close the fridge door and toss the empty bottle over my head, making the recycle bin. “Score!” I shout to no one.
After a long hot shower and brushing my teeth, I run a hand through my wet hair and throw on some boxers. Settling into bed feels about as great as the shower did. I put my hand under my head and close my eyes but all I can think about is that she will be coming into town soon, and I pray I don’t run into her until the reunion. It’s gonna be hard enough to see her then.
“JASE! WAIT UP!” I turn my head, my feet pounding the asphalt, and I smile at Liv, following me on her bike. The music in my ears only allowing me to barely hear the outside sounds around me. I slow down a little so she can catch up but after a couple of minutes something inside me cringes. She should have passed me by now.
A loud screeching noise shrills up my body and everything seems to go in slow motion. I turn, stopping still, when I see the truck slam into Liv. Her bike is crunched under its tires, her body thrown a few feet away.
“NOOOO!” I sit up in bed. My breathing is in heavy pants, and sweat has beaded on my forehead. “Liv,” I whisper into the darkness. I move my legs from under the sheets, sliding them over the edge of the bed until my feet hit the floor. My hands move into my hair as I lean down, fisting it and pulling. It’s been a few weeks since I’ve relived the nightmare that haunts me, but it’s still so fresh in my mind. Like it just happened.
Knowing I won’t be going back to sleep for a bit, I head downstairs and into the kitchen to get a bottled water. Flipping the light on was a mistake, my eyes squinting against the intrusion. I notice my phone on the counter and had forgotten to check my messages earlier.
Mom: Alena is in town.
Mom: Are you going to see her?
Mom: Honey, you really should talk to her.
Mom: Are you ok?
Jolie: We need to order more towels. On it!
Alena. She’s here. My heart takes off in overdrive and suddenly my throat is drier than it was. I walk to the fridge, grab a bottle and twist off the cap, drinking it down like my life depended on it. Her face flashes in my mind. What the hell am I gonna say to her? She’s the one that quit talking to me, out of the blue. I wonder what she’ll look like now. If she still has that creamy complexion, those few freckles on the top of her nose. Is her hair still long like it was or has she cut it shorter? Does she still have that soft giggle I used to love to hear so much?
I shake my head from my thoughts. Towels. The gym. Shit! Jolie is my front desk clerk, but she does a little of everything. I met her in college. She works out more than I do. She’s pretty cool. Her hair is short, almost to her shoulders, kind of a white-blonde with dark underneath and streaks of blue and pink on one side. She has tattoos, and she won’t tell me what they mean. I guess that’s private, so I respect that. She knows her stuff around the gym. She helps people with their workouts, takes care of stock and member check in, and makes sure the power bar is running smoothly. I guess she’s like a personal trainer/manager. She’s a hyper little thing. I wonder if I should give her a raise. Probably. She doesn’t talk much, never has. We used to work out, then hit the power bar, and just sit there in silence. It was kind of weird but kind of nice at the same time. At the end of our last year in college, I told her about my plan to come home and get a gym up and running and she was all over it. So, she moved here. She lives in an apartment building about two blocks from me, and I never see her unless it’s at the gym. I don’t know much about her. If she has a family somewhere, friends or pets. Like I said; private.
I look over at the clock on the wall and see it’s only four in the morning. Quickly, I grab another water doing a dunk shot with the empty into the recycling bin, and go upstairs to get my running clothes on. After I finish getting dressed and putting my socks and running shoes on, I put on my knee brace, head downstairs and out the door.
There’s nothing like running in the early hours. Your music playing in your ears, the beat of your feet hitting the ground. It’s dark out except for the street lights and the few houses that have lights on sporadically throughout. It’s a peaceful time. Just you and the music.
I head to one of my favorite places. There’s a walking trail about a block from my house. About halfway through it, there’s a slim dirt path that heads into the trees. I reach it and I look at my watch and decide to turn back. The gym will be opening soon, and I need a shower. I head towards the last big corner, not being able to see very far ahead of me in the darkness a
nd run right into something or someone.
“Oomph!”
Damn, I hit it hard. I’m falling before I can stop myself and land on a soft cushion of a body. We’re all tangled in legs and arms when I push myself up a little, my hands pressing against the dirt, and I look down into the face of Alena. Her eyes are closed as I lift up a little more when I see she’s struggling to breathe. Her hair is pulled back, her lips parted, and I feel her hands on my uppers arms. She’s stunning.
“Alena,” I breathe. Slowly, her eyes open, her chest is rising and falling heavily against mine. Suddenly, her eyes widen in shock, the beautiful greens I’ve missed for so long. Her hands squeeze my arms then quickly leave them, pushing against my chest, almost in a panic. I rise, squatting in front of her and grab her upper arms, lifting her with me as I stand. “Are you okay?” I run my fingers haphazardly through my hair, a bad habit I’ve always had when nervous or stressed. “Shit! I had no idea you were there. I’m sorry.”
She steps back to where I can’t see her as well in the shadows of darkness. “Oh! Jase. I’m sorry. I guess I should have….” She fumbles. Her hands are wringing themselves in front of her. That’s always been her telltale sign of nervousness.
“Uh, well.” I run my fingers through my hair, feeling so awkward. It didn’t use to be this way, and I hate it. “It’s not like you could see very well in the dark and you were coming around a bend.” I look down, not knowing what to say. How to act. Damn! It shouldn’t have to be this way between us but so much time has passed. I take a step closer, and she takes one back. “Look….” I take another step forward, and she holds firm. “I know it’s been awhile. There’s so much…. We should talk. Then maybe it won’t be so awkward at the reunion, ya know?”
