by Green, Vicki
My laughter settles down to a chuckle. “No, you’re not. But it’s a daily ritual. If you stop, it’s hard to get motivated to get back out there.”
Her face changes from bright to dark with sadness as she looks down at her bottle. “You always told me it gave you some inner peace. Like…. Like you could finally relax, let it take away your frustrations and put you in your own world. I kind of need that.” She looks up at me, her eyes looking into my soul. “Is it still like that, Jase?”
I look down at my knee in its brace and clear my throat. “Yes. More so really.” I look up at her and still see the sadness. “It’s better now. I’m better. Most of the time. It’s still hard, not gonna lie. But I’ve come a long way.”
Her lips turn up into a smile. “I can see that. Coming over yesterday, into the neighborhood, had to be so difficult. What made you do it now?”
“You,” I whisper.
Her eyes widen as her lips part. Shit! I hope I didn’t just fuck that up. “Me?” She whispers back.
I turn to her, reach out and take her hand. “Alena, we’ve always been best friends but did you ever feel anything more? I mean….” I search her eyes, and my heart is beating so fast that I feel like she can see it. “I was always afraid to tell you. I thought…. I thought we might lose what we’d always had but now….”
“Now?” She whispers breathlessly, her eyes intent on mine.
“Now, I think that if I don’t.... If we don’t take a chance then we’ll never know what could have been.” I look down at our hands that are now clasped together and shake my head. “I’ve always run from everything. When I lost Liv….” I look back up and into her eyes again, which are now wet with tears. “Then you went away and I didn’t try hard enough to stay in contact. I felt a different kind of loss.”
“No, Jase. I….”
I reach over with my other hand and place two fingers against her soft lips. Her eyes close with my touch, and it makes my feelings coarse through me even harder. “Shhh. I’ve not lived life for a long time, Alena.” Her eyes open and a single tear falls onto her cheek. “I’ve only now returned back to the living.” My thumb moves up and wipes away her tear then I remove my fingers from her lips and release her hand, looking down as I fold mine in my lap. “There’s so many things that maybe I’m too late for, maybe I waited too long to try to keep ahold of.” My eyes snap to her, and I try to give a small smile. “But I hope not.” I was waiting for the speech about how she didn’t have feelings for me in that way or how she’d moved on, and I had no chance in hell. It was just wishful thinking all these years.
She looks up and then around us as the light of day starts to approach causing the focus of the leaves of the trees to be seen. Then she just looks straight ahead, like she’s mesmerized by something or maybe just lost in her thoughts. “So many times I wondered if you felt as I did.” My heart races and I almost feel like it could choke me. “So many times I thought if you did and we actually had that kind of relationship, if something bad happened, or if we had lost our friendship all together, that would hurt me worse than if we hadn’t tried at all.” I’m about to tell her I’ve felt the same way when she turns her head to me. “But lately? All I’ve thought about is how much time has been lost, all the worrying and dread that came from thinking about it, and would it be worth the loss?”
I lean over quickly, without thinking, and press my lips to hers. I thought she would push me away, resist. Instead, I feel her arm move around my neck, her fingers weaving into my hair as our warm lips move with each other’s. I always imagined this moment, wondered what her lips felt like. Tasted like. It’s so much more than I could have dreamt, so much more. A moan escapes her, and that makes me nip her lower lip. As they part, my tongue takes the lead into her sweet mouth and tangles with hers. I wrap my arm around her slim waist, her bottled water dropping on the ground with a thud as I pick her up effortlessly. Her legs wrap around me as I pull her onto my lap, her other arm moves around my shoulder as my hand weaves under her arm, up her back. I grab her ponytail and tug on it. The rock is uncomfortable under my butt, along with her added weight, but I don’t care. All I feel is her.
“Jase,” she whispers against my mouth. Her hand lays gently on the back of my head. I pull the tie out of her hair, grasping a bunch in my hand and pulling her head back. My mouth latches onto the delicate skin on her neck. “God!” she moans as I nip and suck on her silky flesh. “What am I doing?” she cries out when I kiss up her neck until I’ve reached the side of her face, up to her earlobe and nipping it with my teeth. “Ugh! Jase.” Suddenly, I lose her warmth as her hands move to my chest, pushing me back. I look into her eyes and find lust, remorse, and other emotions that I can’t figure out. Confusion? She slides back and off my lap, picking up her water bottle and taking two steps back. “Oh, Jase. If it was another time I…. I have to go.” What?
I quickly rise, taking the few steps to her in big strides and grab ahold of her upper arms. “What the fuck, Al? What just happened? Tell me you didn’t feel that? Tell me you have no feelings for me other than friendship?” She looks at me with wide eyes. “Tell me!” I yell. She flinches and I feel bad, but I have to know.
“Yes….I….. I can’t!” she screams into my face. The look of fear runs across her beautiful face for a fleeting moment. She pulls back and I release her, feeling defeated, confused and frustrated. She turns and starts running around the bend and I just stand there, letting her leave. Leaving me again. No!
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
What have I done? I shouldn’t have led him on. I’m such a bitch! He doesn’t deserve that and I don’t deserve him. What in the hell was I thinking? I wasn’t thinking or I was only thinking of myself, my needs, and my wants. I’m so selfish. I run down the dirt path as if I was being chased by a murderer, tears streaming down my face and my heart broken once again. How can I get out of this mess? Another mess of my life. I just want to go home, crawl into bed and stay there. I pick up speed as I hear running feet pounding against the dirt behind me. I’m so stupid. Like I can out run him.
I’m pulled to a stop as his strong arms wrap around my heaving chest and waist, pulling me back against him. “Stop running from me, Alena!” he breathes excessively against my ear. I struggle, but his hold tightens. There’s no way I can get free from his hold and do I really want to? I relax, my head lowering in defeat. “Don’t leave me, Al. If there’s no way you can give me more than friendship, then don’t. Just don’t leave me.” The pleading sound of his voice breaks my heart.
We both stand there, panting. His arms moving up and down with my chest. I finally look up at him, tilting my head, and trying to calm my breathing. “Jase. I just….” His hand moves up, leaving my chest chilled from the morning air and cups my face.
“Shhh. It’s okay, Alena.” His comforting words take me by surprise. He’s always been there for me, been my rock when I needed him, until I left. I nod, silently, and his mouth turns into a sad smile. “Come back to my house. Let’s eat and drink our coffees together. Please? I promise no more heavy talk. Can we just go back to how things used to be? Please, Alena?” My heads moves up and down, but I can’t seem to speak. I don’t know what to say. He releases me and takes my hand. We walk back, continuing our silence. Things are awkward once again, and I hate it.
We make it back to his house, stretching outside, and then he opens the door for me. My body brushes against his as I move passed him and my heart speeds up. “Wanna take a shower?” My eyes widen and the look of shock, then remorse, fills his face. “Not with me. Uh, you can go first.” I nod and smile shyly. “I’ll get you something to put on.” I follow him up the stairs and into his bedroom. My eyes instantly find a bulletin board on the wall above his desk, and as he rummages through his dresser drawers, I walk over to it. My hand moves up to a picture pinned in the center. My fingers trace over our faces. We were so young in this pic
ture, arms around each other’s shoulders, standing on the beach and laughing with Liv standing in front of us, our hands on her shoulders.
“I love this picture. We were so young and carefree.” I sigh as I feel him walk up behind me, with his hand on my shoulder as he lays his chin there. “Why do things always have to change? Why can’t we go back there, run through the sand, into the waves, laughing and having a good time?” I feel his breath against my skin as he sighs.
“It’s one of my favorite pictures. That was so much fun that day. Remember we buried Liv in the sand?” He laughs and so do I. His warmth leaves me but soon he takes my arms and turns me around to face him. “One thing I learned from my therapist is that change will always happen, no matter how hard you to try to avoid it. You won’t always like the changes, but you have to accept them or change them, if you can. However, a lot of them can’t be changed. Sometimes they’re unfair and sometimes they are meant to be.” I look down as I think about his words. He bends down to my eye level, and I look up at him. “Thing is, whether we like them or not, we have to keep going, keep fighting. We need to be strong and determined to make it in this life, the best way we can.”
“What if I don’t have the strength to fight anymore, Jase,” I whisper not understanding if I’m talking about staying away from him or leaving Bill or both. I’m so confused.
“Then we help you, with whatever you’re fighting for.” My heart beats wildly and emotions fill me until I feel like they’re strangling me.
“What if I don’t know which is the right thing to fight for?” I swallow hard with my words as I look into his searching eyes.
His eyes penetrate me and dig deep into my soul. “That’s something only you can figure out, Alena. Dig deep into your heart, let it help guide you but know that you have a lot of people who will support you, no matter what you decide.” I feel a tear leave my eye, traveling down my face, and I quickly wipe it away.
I take a step back, hitting his desk behind me, and nod slightly. “I need to get cleaned up. I’m a mess.” I laugh trying to change the mood that’s thick around us.
“You’re beautiful.”
I turn and walk around him, heading towards the bathroom. “You have to say that. You’re my best friend.” I look behind me and see him cringe but a small smile lifts the corners of his mouth. “I’ll hurry so you can take yours.” I step into the bathroom and close the door behind me, leaning back against it and allow the tears to flow.
I turn on the shower and let the water heat up as I remove my clothes. I refuse to look in the mirror, afraid of what I’ll see. Once I adjust the temperature, I step under the spray, close the door and let it try to melt away all my frustration. It doesn’t work. My knees buckle and I hit the floor hard, pulling up them up and wrapping my arms around them. I bury my face into them and cry. I cry for the loss of Liv, the loss of my close friendship with Jase, for the mess I’m in with Bill, but most of all I cry knowing I won’t ever get to kiss Jase again or be in his strong and loving arms. Not like I want to. Not like I desire and ache for. Never again. I can’t allow it.
After I exhaust all my tears, I wash up quickly and dry off. When I look in the mirror, I see my eyes are swollen and bloodshot. Great. I walk out of the bathroom, my towel tight around my body, and see a set of sweat shorts and a sweatshirt with the arms ripped off sitting on the bed. Jase. Dropping the towel to the floor, I quickly put on the clothes and am swallowed whole by them. I can’t help but laugh as I try to roll up the waist band of the shorts and pull on the tie as tight as I can. I walk out of the room and down the stairs, my bare feet silent on the carpet, and walk into the kitchen. He looks up at me from the table, his eyes giving his approval as I come close and sit down in a chair across from him.
“Nice outfit,” he smirks as he takes a drink of his coffee. I reach for my cup with a smile I can’t seem to remove from my face. His face changes. His eyebrows lower and seriousness takes over. “Alena, about earlier. I….”
I frown. “Jase. Don’t. Let’s just pretend it didn’t happen and get back to our friendship.”
“But….”
“I really think it’s for the best, Jase. I’m sorry but things are so complicated right now. I just don’t think….”
“What things?” He asks, clearly annoyed.
I look down at the omelet on my plate and sigh. “I can’t tell you.” I look back up and plead. “Not right now. Maybe…. Maybe someday. I’m sorry.”
He sets his cup down and concern flows over his handsome face. “Maybe I can help, Al. Isn’t that what friends are for? You used to think so. You used to tell me that all the time, especially after the accident. I didn’t let you or anyone else in during that time, I couldn’t. But now I know different. I know I should have. Let me be there for you, let me support you. Won’t you let me in?” Damn, he’s fighting me with my own words. He’s right, of course. I know. How can I tell him what a fool I’ve been? The stupid mistakes and choices I’ve made. How can I let him in without putting him in danger? He’d fight for me, until his last breath, I know he would. I can’t put him in that position. I won’t.
I smile and try to lighten the tension filling the room. “It’s just some business stuff I allowed to happen that I wish I wouldn’t have. I’m fine, really. I’ll work it all out. I promise I will tell you about it after the reunion, okay?” Well, once I’ve gone back to reality and am away from this town. Far away where he or no one else can find me. It’ll be the only way. That seems to appease him, for now, but I’m not sure how long that will last. “Right now, I want to hear about how I’m gonna cream you playing ball tonight.” He gives me his wicked grin and laughs. Nice save, Alena.
We actually ended up having a great time, eating our omelets and drinking our coffees. I left his house about eight and headed home. I’m not looking forward to the questions that Bill will be hitting me with on why it took so long to run this morning. He doesn’t like me outside running anyway and has told me this time and time again. Doesn’t even matter that I’m in my home town, the place where just about everyone knows everyone and what’s going on at almost all times. Of course, he’s from New York so how could he possibly understand? Then again, he wants all control over me, at all times. It wasn’t like that, at first. He was actually tender, romantic, and I thought he loved me. Then he changed as I got my business up and running. After it hit the halfway mark to a million dollar company, he was a total control freak. Not only about the business but about me. Then came the abuse, not too bad at first, but it is there. I had no idea. There were no signs, nothing that told me he was that way. Once he started the blackmail, I knew I couldn’t run, but after being home, around those I love and care about, I started formulating a plan. A plan to escape him and hide until I can find a way to fight him. I just want to be home, living a happy life with all my family and friends around me. I need to make that happen and soon.
I walk into my house and find it eerily quiet. Where is everyone? I look around downstairs. No one. I make my way upstairs and check Mom and Dad’s room, then the spare bedroom, although I don’t know why and then walk into my room. Weird. Where did everyone go? Suddenly, the door closes and I’m pushed against it. His mouth claims mine, his hand immediately on my breast. His lips move from my mouth to the side of my face, and then he breathes in my ear. “It’s been too long, Alena. I want you.” My heart races, not due to excitement, but from the urge to run. He begins to pull up on the hem of my shirt, and instantly I’m reminded that it’s Jase’s sweatshirt and not mine. I left my clothes at his house. Shit!
“Not now, Bill. I’m sweaty from running,” I squeak out, lightly pushing my hand against his chest and hoping he’ll stop.
“I don’t care, Alena. It’s been too long,” he says breathlessly in my ear. His hands leave me, tugging up on my shirt, moving my arms up over my head with it until it’s off.
“Bill,” I groan but not out of lust, out of the need for him to stop. He thinks otherwise, and it urges him on. My bra is unclasped, and his hand finds the bare skin of my breast, kneading and tweaking the nipple. The last thing I want to do is anger him, so I close my eyes and imagine it’s Jase’s fingers, his lips on my mouth, and suddenly I’m so turned on. “Ugh,” I moan as his lips move down my neck, my chest and then to my stomach. My pants are pulled down, and then I’m lifted into his arms. I dare not open my eyes or my dreams will evaporate. I feel the mattress under me, and then he plunges into me. I fist the comforter in my hands and visions of Jase fill my head. I can just feel him inside me while sucking my nipple hard. The cool air makes it harden even more when his mouth leaves it, and the ache in my core grows. We get into a rhythm, but he seems hurried, and I’m glad. He moans my name, and I can see his concentrated beautiful face as he releases. The most beautiful sight I’ve ever seen. My orgasm is so close, and it’s about to explode when he pulls out. What? I open my eyes to see not only a satisfied grin on Bill’s face but also an evil one. He did that on purpose.
“Just wanted to get you ready for tomorrow, darling. You’ll be even more willing now,” he smirks as he climbs off me. I watch him gather his clothes and walk into the bathroom and suddenly feel ill. I pull the covers down underneath me, slide down, and pull them up to my neck, roll over and grab ahold of the pillow with both hands. It’s gonna be a long day and night and now, all I want is Jase to hold me.
The day wasn’t too bad. I ended up helping Mom with stuff in the kitchen, making relish plates, veggies and dips and pounding out hamburger meat into patties, which helped with my frustration a bit. Not enough. By five, some people started to congregate in the cul-de-sac at the end of our street, setting up tables and lawn chairs while others were pulling out their grills, filling with charcoal and lighting them up, getting ready to cook. The smell of burning briquettes filled the air as I carried a bag full of munchies down the street. “Alena!” I smile as I get closer, lifting my hand to wave.
