by Kimber White
“Come on,” Molly said. She pulled on my arm, trying to get me to stand. “She’s waiting for you. She needs you. The days to come are going to be hard for her. But, there’s hope now, Jagger. For you. For her. For all of us. You just have to let yourself feel it.”
There was light in Molly’s eyes. It had always been there. It was Keara who saw it first. She’d been the one who’d found her working at a vet clinic in Shadow Springs. She’d sent Liam there to look for supplies. Though, she’d never admitted it to me, I’d long suspected Keara had an inkling what Molly would be to him.
Fate, for years now, had been just another four-letter word to me. Now, as I took Molly’s hand and let her lead me back to the caves, I could almost believe it meant hope.
Eighteen
Rowan
It took my Aunt Grace four more days to die. She fought for each breath along the way. Mercifully, for most of it, she was unconscious. Molly brought a cot in so I could lie beside her and hold her hand.
They were angels, these women. Molly and Dr. Olivet. They gave my aunt enough morphine so she felt no pain. They brought me soup and tea and sat with her during the times I just needed a few minutes to myself so she’d never be alone. I knew she was about to leave me when she finally opened her eyes and smiled.
“Don’t try to talk,” I said. “Save your strength.”
“Oh, I’m strong enough for where I’m going, honey.”
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “This is all my fault. I shouldn’t have run off. I should have listened to you and stayed away from the Pack.”
Grace took my hand in hers. Her lips were dry and cracked. I took a wet cloth and dabbed them. She was grateful for the few drops of water it gave her, but she couldn’t manage to drink anymore.
“It was time. My time. Your time. These people. Do they know what’s coming? Can they get you somewhere safe?”
I reared back, realizing Aunt Grace had been more aware of her surroundings than I realized. Maybe she’d heard us talking. It was hard to say.
“I think so. I think I’m as safe here as anywhere.”
“The big wolf. The Alpha. He’s yours.” At first, I thought she’d meant it as a question, then, as Aunt Grace’s old, gray eyes locked with mine, I knew it was a declaration.
“I don’t...we haven’t…”
“Shhh. Shhh. Don’t try so hard.” Aunt Grace’s voice trailed off into a fit of coughs that etched new lines of agony across her face. She held her hand up to ward me off when I tried to give her more water.
“Listen to me,” she said. “I don’t have a lot of time, honey.”
“I have so many things to ask you,” I gasped. “I’m not finished. You’re not finished. Dr. Olivet is good at what she does. Just hang on. She’ll find a way.”
“No. She won’t. And it’s okay. I think I like it here. It’s quiet. It feels safe. And I was tired of looking at the same four walls anyway.”
“Aunt Grace,” I blurted. “Please. You have to tell me. I have to know.”
As we locked eyes again, she knew what I meant. She settled deeper against her pillow, as if she were finally accepting what I’d asked.
“Able,” she said. “He’s old. But he’s more dangerous than they think. You tell them that. He knows exactly what he’s doing. All the time. He keeps the Pack as weak as he can but as strong as he needs them. Never forget that. He’s lived a long time. Longer than any Alpha in existence. But, Rowan...he’s not immortal. Don’t forget that either.”
“But how, how do you know all these things? Aunt Grace, who am I? I don’t even know my last name.”
She smiled and lifted her hand to touch my face. “You’re Rowan. I named you Rowan because I thought it was beautiful just like you. And no, I am not your real aunt. You’ve known that all along. But, he brought you to me. Just like he brought all the other little ones. The ones who lived long enough. You weren’t supposed to. Every day, then every week, then every month was supposed to be the last. But you kept growing. Kept getting stronger. But even when you were little, you sensed that could bring trouble. You know you were only two the first time you pretended to be sick in front of one of the Pack?”
“No, I don’t remember. I don’t remember any of it. Who were the others?”
Grace got that faraway look again, her eyes misted. Then, she dropped her hand and stared off. “Little Rowan. Turning three, then four. I begged him. Reminded him how much I’d done for him. I was foolish enough to think he would agree with me that he owed me something. But, in the end, he let me have you. His little project was a failure, but you weren’t. You were a miracle. He was too blinded by his own lust for power and perfection, he didn’t see it.”
“Who?” I touched her shoulder. “Able Valent?”
She patted my arm. “Who else, honey? He used to be my brother.”
Used to be? It was such a strange way to word it, but I instantly understood. She meant before...before he became the Chief Alpha. Then, a new horror ripped through my heart.
“Grace? Is he...my father?”
Her eyes became clear and she met my gaze. “No!” Her voice was clear and strong. “He was not your father. Everything I’ve said about your real father is the truth, Rowan. He’s dead. I never knew your mother. She wouldn’t have survived your birth. None of them did.”
“None of who?” I was desperate. She was fading. My heart broke.
“Just keep taking your medicine, Rowan. Do whatever you have to to get it. Bill Harvey is a friend. He’ll know what to do.”
She’d rallied, but now Aunt Grace’s body gave out. She slumped back on the bed. I gathered her into my arms and kissed her cheek. She was getting so cold. The effort of what she’d said had drained what little strength she had left.
I wouldn’t cry. Not now. I knew it caused her stress when I did. Her breathing finally grew more steady and peaceful. I felt her go slack in my arms. The minutes passed and Aunt Grace fell asleep. My own eyelids felt heavy. I sank into the pillows and dozed off right along with her.
Later, a gentle hand on my shoulder roused me. Suzanne’s dark eyes hovered in front of me, creasing in a sad smile.
“She’s gone, Rowan. You can let go now.”
I looked down and Aunt Grace’s sweet face squeezed my heart. She looked like she was sleeping. Dreaming, even. As she nestled her head against my arm, her smile froze in place.
I didn’t cry then either. I let Suzanne help me slide out from under Grace’s body. Suzanne said calming things. Promised to take care of Grace now. Told me how she’d suffered no pain. I listened, nodded, and put one foot in front of the other.
Then, Molly was there. She put a gentle hand beneath my elbow and led me down the darkened corridor. I had no idea where we were even going. Molly must have said, but I couldn’t hear her, couldn’t process anything. We emerged into another cavern. This was larger than most of the others. At the center, a hidden spring bubbled up. Steam danced across the water’s surface. She’d left me a pile of clean, folded clothes and some toiletries.
“Take some time to yourself,” Molly said. “We’ll take care of your aunt. It’s going to be all right.”
I turned to her. “She wasn’t my aunt.” I don’t know why I said that then. It sounded cold and harsh to my own ears, but I didn’t know how to be any different. I didn’t know how to feel at all.
Molly smiled and reached up to tuck a hair behind my ear. It felt maternal. She couldn’t be more than a few years older than me. I almost laughed. That’s the one thing I’d forgotten to ask Grace. I still didn’t know how old I was.
Nineteen
Rowan
After Molly left, I went on autopilot, peeling off my clothes. I sank beneath the steaming water. God, Molly was right. I hadn’t known this was what I needed, but the water was so warm, almost hot. It was perfect. I dipped my head below the surface. For a moment, it was like being in one of those sensory deprivation tanks. No light. No sound. No sensation at all but floating wa
rmth.
I could lose myself here. No pain. No fear. There was just...me. I floated down and down. My hair splayed out in ribbons above me. It felt like flying.
Then, something pulled at my heart and I knew I wasn’t alone.
Jagger stood at the water’s edge as I emerged. His eyes shone silver and the muscles of his jaw rippled as he swallowed hard.
“I’m so sorry,” he said as he slowly lowered himself to sit on the ledge. I treaded water on the opposite side of the pool, afraid to go to him. If I touched him. If I let him touch me. I would have to feel everything again. It was as if I was in that gap of time after banging your knee before the pain hit. The coming pain would be intense and sharp. I wasn’t sure if I could bear it.
“Jagger…”
He came to me. My heart thundered with so many emotions I couldn’t sort them all through. Grief. Pain. Loneliness. Desire. Desperation. Fear. Then something else...thrumming quietly beneath it all. Love.
“Come here,” he said. He propelled through the water with agile grace. Sliding an arm around me, he pulled me to the opposite ledge.
I let him take me, hiccupping as I tried to stifle a sob. Jagger ran a thumb over my cheekbone, wiping away a tear I hadn’t even realized I’d shed.
“It hurts,” I said.
“I know.”
At first, I wasn’t sure what he meant by that. He knew because he’d lost someone so close to him? Or, he knew because he felt my pain as if it were his own.
“You are safe,” he whispered. It was the question Grace had asked me at the end. Jagger was answering it now. He knew. How could he know?
“I’m so...Jagger...I’m lost. Oh, God. I’m so lost.” Then, the tears came and I fell through that gap of time. The pain hit me with blunt force straight to the chest. But, Jagger was there. He held me close as I curled into the grief.
He whispered sweet things against my temple as he held me. The water swirled around us. We were so buoyant together, I didn’t need to tread. We just floated, suspended in time and space. A part of me wished we could be like this forever. Away from the world. Away from the people we’d lost. Away from Valent and the Pack. Just us.
“I’m lost,” I whispered against his chest.
Jagger’s heart thumped beneath my ear. My own heart slowed to match the rhythm. I didn’t know what we were. It was yet another question I hadn’t had time to ask Aunt Grace. But, she couldn’t have understood. Could she?
“She said Able Valent was her brother,” I said. “I never knew. They kept so many secrets from me, Jagger. I feel like everything I’ve ever known about myself was a lie. And I knew so little to begin with.”
As he held me, a new, fierce knowledge rose up. It was coming from him. Words and truth he wasn’t yet ready to voice. But, he didn’t have to. There was one core truth that neither of us could deny. Whatever else I was, whatever lies Able Valent had forced Grace to feed me, as Jagger Wilkes held me in his arms, I knew he was mine. And I was his. But, we’d both been broken into tiny pieces by the things that happened before we even met.
“You’re here now,” he said. “You’re not lost anymore, Rowan. I...I found you.”
All at once, I knew how much it cost him to say it. I knew a part of him felt as if he were betraying Keara. It would be easy for me to hate her a little for it. I couldn’t. Because, she was part of Jagger too. And she’d loved him.
“You didn’t find me.” I smiled and looked up at him. Tears glistened in his eyes. “In point of fact, I found you!”
He laughed. “I guess you did.”
A moment passed. Then another. We held each other in that bubble of time. No light. No sound. Nothing except the beat of our hearts in perfect synchrony.
Jagger moved first. His kiss was light, testing me. Was it too soon? Was my pain too sharp? Yes, to all of it. And yet, the timing never felt more right. I kissed him back.
A little of the grief washed away. It wasn’t gone. Not for him. Not for me. But, we both realized there was room for something else as well. There was room for each other. For this.
The last time we came together, it was partly fueled by our own rage and disbelief. This time, we had our eyes wide open. Alone, we might not be able to bear our pain. Together, we could ease it for each other, if only just a little.
“You saved me,” he whispered. “How did you do it?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “I don’t know why or how I can do the things I do. I know I’m not a shifter. And I know I’m not…”
“Shhh,” he said. “That’s not what I meant. I mean you saved me. I came to Heartland to die. For almost three years, it’s the only thing I’ve wanted. I went to Able’s compound to kill him...but also so I could end it. Every single day, I’ve wanted to die, Rowan. Until I met you.”
I slid my arms around his neck and kissed him slow and deep. I couldn’t hear him say it again. I couldn’t lose him too. My growing need kindled in my core. I felt Jagger’s rising too. It was right. It was perfect. We fit.
Jagger slid his hands down my ribcage, settling them on my hips. He lifted me to the ledge with ease. Smiling up at me with wonder in his eyes, he spread my knees as he treaded water between them.
He licked along my inner thigh. I gasped as he marked a trail all the way to my slick folds. I was slippery with desire as he spread me open, skillfully swirling his tongue around my sensitive bud. I gasped and threw my head back as pleasure flooded through me.
“Jagger!” I cried as I laced my fingers through his hair, pulling him down even deeper. Jagger lapped at me hungrily, drawing me out. I shuddered, barely able to contain the sensation. As he worked me over with his mouth and tongue, he slid two fingers inside me and found a pleasure spot I never even knew I had.
My knees trembling, I struggled to spread them even wider for him. I tried to pull him up so I could kiss him, so I could return the favor. But, Jagger was determined to see his work through. Then, he brought me over the edge. I bucked and thrust into him as he drew me out. I braced myself against the ledge and arched my back. I was too far gone. Jagger knew it.
“Let go, Rowan,” he said. “Give in.”
“Oh!”
I gave in. Pleasure exploded through my nerve endings. My toes curled as Jagger brought me home. My cries of ecstasy echoed off the cavern walls and I didn’t care who heard. There were shifters up above with preternatural hearing. Oh, God, I felt shameless and wild. Jagger knew how to reach me in all the deepest places of my heart and soul.
As I crested down, I knew how to reach him right back. The light in the cavern brightened and I knew my eyes had gone to silver, the same exact shade as his wolf eyes. I slid into the water beside him and motioned with my chin. Jagger smiled as he knew what I was about as he slid to the ledge in front of me.
It was my turn. I spread Jagger’s knees and took him in my mouth. His cock was huge and hard and filled me all the way to the back of my throat. For an instant, I didn’t know if I could take him all in. But, I did. Oh, God, I did.
Jagger didn’t last as long as I had. I lacked the same finesse as he, but it wasn’t what he needed. I felt his balls tighten and went to work on those too. He was so hard. So full. So good.
“Baby,” he whispered and it sent a shiver down my spine. I wanted him. All of him. In every way he would let me. As I sucked him, I felt that flare of heat at the base of my neck and knew it would lead to a different kind of claiming. But, not tonight. Tonight was just about pleasure, escape and sharing something neither of us quite knew what to do with yet.
Jagger’s hips trembled and I knew he was close. I looked up at him, locking eyes. That seemed to drive him even more wild and heighten his pleasure. So, I held his gaze as he spent himself inside me. The sweet tang of his seed filled me and I took it all. I kept him there until I felt him go soft. Only then did I pop out of the water and come beside him.
Jagger slid his hand beneath my jaw and kissed me. We needed no more words between us that night. This would
be enough. The edges of grief played at the corners of my heart still, but Jagger’s touch helped keep them at bay.
We came together again and again. No sooner had I stretched out on the ledge before Jagger hovered over me again. I reached for him and found him hard as rock. Smiling, I spread my legs and brought him into me. Jagger’s eyes flashed with desire as he sheathed himself as deep as he could go.
We moved together. Jagger filled me. I wrapped him in my warmth. We made love. And then we fucked. Each time I thought I was spent. Then, no more than an hour or even a few minutes would pass and my need for him rose all over again.
I knew what it was. Our bodies both craved an even deeper connection. A claiming. I felt it in the flaring, hungry heat at the base of my neck. I saw Jagger’s eyes glaze with animal lust as he brushed his fingers over that space. He wanted. I wanted. And yet, I knew he wasn’t ready. Neither was I. Not tonight. Not yet.
So, we found contentment and peace with the parts of ourselves we were willing to give.
Later, I might come to believe those hidden springs held magic in them. Or perhaps the magic was in Jagger’s touch as he held me close. I curled into him as we found a space in the corner of the rocky ledge and slept in each other’s arms.
Twenty
Jagger
The next day, we buried Rowan’s Aunt Grace under a cluster of pine trees. Rowan said the spot reminded her of a place Grace used to take her when she was little. They would hang unlit Christmas lights in the winter and sing carols. She stood beside me, tall and strong as we laid the old woman to rest. I knew Rowan had more questions than answers and felt her sorrow as she said her last goodbyes.
“Are you coming?” Lena asked the question. The others had drifted off after one of the preachers who helped us from Shadow Springs said a few words over the grave. Rowan herself had taken a walk down to the river. Payne gave me a look.
