by T. J. Klune
And I knew she was behind all of this.
It seemed just like her. She was trying to exact her revenge. And I’d fallen right into the palm of her hand. She couldn’t have planned this any better had she tried.
“That motherfucking bitch,” I yelled without thinking. “I’m going to kick her fucking ass, oh my gods, I don’t care if she’s a minor or a girl, she’s dead. You hear me! Dead.”
Which, of course, echoed across the plaza that had fallen deathly silent now that she had their attention. Bitch, bitch, bitch, echoed up one side of the plaza. Dead, dead, dead, came down the other.
My most mortal of enemies smiled the long, slow smile of the victorious. Seventeen years old and she was already so inherently evil that any other evil parties in her vicinity paled by comparison. It didn’t help that she had the countenance of an angel. That did a lot to hide the fact that her soul was the rotting, bloated carcass of a fish lying out in the sun for six days.
Gods, how I hated her.
And I really hated the fact that I apparently had just yelled at her in front of at least a hundred people. Not the best idea I’d ever had. Which probably described most of my ideas.
“And that, ladies and gentlemen,” Lady Tina DeSilva said, staring straight at me, “is indicative of the true nature of Sam of Wilds.”
“That wasn’t very nice at all!” someone in the audience cried.
Many others murmured their consent, shooting me looks of such disappointment that I almost felt guilty about it. Guilty about saying something to Lady Tina, of all people.
“No,” Lady Tina said. “It wasn’t. But that’s Sam of Wilds for you in exactly five words: not very nice at all. Perfect, don’t you think?”
The crowd agreed quite vocally.
“Oh my gods,” Gary whispered. “She’s like an evil queen. I want to be her when I grow up and use my powers of persuasion for nefarious purposes.”
“You know,” Mom said, “if I didn’t know any better, I would think this is them pulling each other’s pigtails.”
“Except our son is gay,” Dad said.
“And Lady Tina is an asshole,” Mom said so fiercely that I couldn’t help but love her just a little bit more.
“You are here,” Lady Tina said, snarling into her megaphone, “because you are tired of seeing Sam of Wilds walk all over the good people of Verania. You are tired of hearing about his exploits where he puts our knights in danger or gets members of the royal family taken. You are tired of villains of every shape, size, and color coming to our city just because they have a bone to pick with Sam of Wilds. How many times has your day-to-day life been ruined because Sam picked a fight with the wrong people? How many times are we supposed to bend over and take it, just because Sam of Wilds has somehow fooled your King into believing he is an actual human being instead of the excrement left behind by a pack of sick dogs? How many times are we forced to listen to how perfect Sam is, how wonderful Sam is, how godsdamned special Sam is, just because he enchanted the King’s Wizard with his slippery ways?”
“She’s purpling her prose all over me,” Gary breathed. “She is a master and I am but a pawn in her love game.”
“I do not get slippery with Morgan,” I said, quite loudly. “And I am an actual human being. Oh my gods, why are you even listening to her? Pete! Do something!”
Pete winced as one of the Castle Guards came over and whispered in his ear. “Sorry, Sam,” he said after patting the knight on the shoulder. “Looks like she applied for all the proper permits. She has the right to protest, as long as it remains peaceful.”
“But she’s protesting me.”
“And she’s allowed,” Pete said, sounding apologetic.
“Okay,” I said. “Fine.” I turned toward the King. “Your Majesty, I never ask you for anything.”
“You really don’t,” the King said, sounding amused. “It’s one of the most annoying things about you.”
“Good,” I said. “I’m glad we agree. And we’ll come back to the part where you called me annoying at a later date, don’t think we won’t. I need a favor.”
“Anything within reason,” the King said.
“I need you to behead a teenage girl for me.”
“Hmm. The reason?”
“I hate her.”
“Would it be the same teenage girl that’s saying disparaging things about you currently?”
“Coincidentally? Yes.”
“Sorry, Sam,” the King said, and I couldn’t be too mad at him because he did sound honestly regretful that he couldn’t agree to behead a teenage girl. “I’m going to have to deny your request. But feel free to ask me for anything else.”
“I want to hang the painting I did of you in the throne room.”
“The one where I have three breasts and am a monster destroying Meridian City?”
“Yes.”
The King turned to Pete. “Has she done anything we can behead her for? Did she maybe sign the permit request on the wrong line? File it too late? Anything?”
Pete shook his head. “Also, public executions are illegal.”
“Fine,” the King said to me. “We can hang the painting in the throne room.”
It made me feel a little bit better that everyone would be able to appreciate my art.
But Tina was still going. “And since when do we allow people from the slums to hold such high office as the apprentice to the King’s Wizard? No matter what they want you to believe, no matter what they try and tell you, make no mistake. Sam of Wilds looks like he’s from the slums, but how can we be sure of that? Is it too much to ask that he show us his birth certificate so that everyone can see who he truly is? Especially since he does have the King’s ear.”
“Godsdamned birthers,” I muttered.
“We love you, Lady Tina!” a woman screamed in the audience. Some others began to cheer, and Lady Tina closed her eyes, as if she was letting the applause wash over her. I thought it would be the perfect moment for a meteor to fall from the sky and squash her flat. Alas, none fell, and I was disappointed that the gods didn’t see fit to smite her where she stood.
“And I love you,” Lady Tina breathed into the megaphone. “So, so much. For having the courage to stand here today, in the face of what appears to be overwhelming odds. To show that no, Sam of Wilds is not universally beloved, as he would have you believe. No, we won’t go quietly into the night, letting him walk all over us with his horrible fashion sense, his strange-looking teeth, his obvious lack of any culture whatsoever. Do we even need to discuss the fact that he came in with his stupid face and destroyed the most wonderful thing in the world known as Rystin? No one likes HaveHeart, you sanctimonious piece of filth. It’s against nature and disgusting and I hate you so much for it.”
The audience didn’t cheer much at that. In fact, most of them looked confused.
Lady Tina coughed. “I mean, he’s costing the great people of Verania their sense of security?”
The crowd clapped slowly. “Yaaaaay?” someone asked.
“Maybe I should go out there and protest,” Justin said. “She was pretty much right about most of that.”
“Best friends don’t protest against each other,” I reminded him. “It’s against the bro-code.”
“Bro-code,” Justin said, like the very words made him ill.
“And that is another thing!” Lady Tina cried. “Just look at them. A unicorn and a dragon. Why, that goes against the very face of the gods! Everyone knows that interspecies relationships are wrong. And they just sit there, forcing us to watch it, like we want to even see something like that. If there’s one thing that I know, it’s that when I’m staring at someone to judge them, they should not be allowed to shove their filth down my throat!”
“Wow,” Gary said. “She’s a few cookies short of a bake sale.”
“Our love is not wrong,” Kevin said. “Everyone knows that there is magic in what we have. Why, our romance will be sung about for ages. The Beast from the
East and his one true semimonogamous love, the beautiful unicorn.”
“Hmm,” Gary said. “I can’t help but notice that you gave yourself top billing there.”
“Well, yes,” Kevin said. “I don’t know if you heard, but a star dragon said that I’m one of the, if not the most important, parts of a millennia-old prophecy.”
“Riiiiight,” Gary said. “But I still don’t think that makes your name before mine.”
“Dear,” Kevin said, a little curl of smoke coming out of his right nostril. “You’re embarrassing me in front of all these people. Maybe we can discuss this later?”
“Oh, really?” Gary said, eyes narrowing. “I’m sorry I’m such an embarrassment to you.”
“Um, guys?” I said. “Maybe now is not the—”
“Fine,” Kevin said, rolling his eyes. “If it’s that big of a deal to you, then you can be first.”
“Oh no,” Gary said mockingly. “I wouldn’t even dream of wanting to take something away from you that is so important and that you obviously deserve. You know. Because of all your accomplishments. After all, I’m not the one that speaks for disabled magical creatures everywhere.”
“How are you disabled?” Kevin asked.
“I don’t have my horn!” Gary shouted at him.
“I don’t think you speak for anyone but yourself,” I said, only to have him glare at me. “Right, mouth shut. I am so not involved.”
“Can’t you see?” Kevin said, clutching a clawed hand to his chest. “You’re letting them tear us apart!”
“No,” Gary said, voice breaking, eyes glittering with tears. “You’re doing that well enough just on your own.”
“Gary sad?” Tiggy said, breath hitching in his chest.
“Oh no,” I whispered.
“I am so sad!” Gary wailed. “My dragon lover thinks his name should be first!”
“I sad too!” Tiggy yelled, gathering Gary up in his arms and rocking him back and forth. “Sam! Be sad with us!”
“Godsdammit,” I muttered, taking a step toward them.
“What are you doing?” Ryan asked, grabbing me by the arm. “We have to deal with this.”
“Bro-code,” I said. “Bros before hoes. Sorry, babe.”
“I am not a ho.”
I patted him on the hand. Poor guy. Denial was a terrible thing.
Before I could get to Tiggy and Gary to hug it out, Kevin stopped me, leaning down until his large head was eye level with me. “I hope you know that I’ll still be there for you, champ,” he said gruffly. “Even if your mother and me are no longer together. Weekends, okay? And I don’t want you to worry if I get a new… friend. You’ll always be my number-one brave little sexy guy, okay?”
“Still not used to that at all,” I said.
“None of us are,” he said, tongue slithering out and brushing on my fingers.
“Oh, gross,” I muttered.
“Sam!” Gary cried. “Get over here and love me!”
“Sam!” Tiggy yelled. “We need love!”
And really, what else could I have done in the face of that? Nothing, I tell you.
I went. And just as soon as I got within grabbing distance, Tiggy’s large hand wrapped around my arm and jerked me into his chest, holding me tight. Gary was crying prettily against him, these precious little sniffs coming out his nose in periwinkle sparks that did little to Tiggy’s thick overshirt. “Sam,” Gary said wetly. “Is this what heartbreak feels like? Like I’ve left on nipple clamps for so long that I’m numb to everything only to have them taken off and slapped, sending pain shooting through my body like lava burning my insides?”
“That’s actually surprisingly accurate,” I said, reaching out to run my fingers through his mane.
“See what you’ve done?” Kevin yelled at the crowd. “Your hatred just tore the love of my life from my arms. How dare you, ladies and gentlemen. How dare you.”
The crowd murmured amongst themselves, taking a step back.
“What is happening?” Vadoma asked. “What is all this?”
“Par for the course,” Randall said. “This is actually quite tame for them. Unfortunately.”
“Nothing has been lit on fire yet,” Morgan said. “So I count this one as a win.”
“Pretty Gary,” Tiggy murmured. “There, there. There, there.”
“That bastard,” Gary said. “How could he end this on something as trivial as not giving me top billing when I obviously deserve it? I want to murder him and leave his bones out in the sun to dry—you know what, time out.” His eyes dried immediately, and he lifted his head from Tiggy’s chest. “Can we all agree to not talk shit about my ex? Especially since he’s part of Sam’s destiny. It’ll just make things awkward in the long run.”
“Agreed,” Tiggy said.
“I also agree,” I said. “I’d like to add an addendum. Can we never refer to me having a destiny ever again? Because that’s really lame and I hate it.”
“Struck down,” Gary said. “Because you do.”
“Strike it, motherfuckers,” Tiggy said.
“Godsdammit,” I said.
“Good,” Gary said. “So we’re in agreement. Rule number one thousand, two hundred, and twenty-seven of the Sam/Gary/Tiggy friendship has been ratified. No talking shit about Kevin because of Sam’s magical super destiny. Except for me, a little, because I’ve been the one spurned.”
“Aye,” Tiggy and I said, while I also added, “You bitch,” because of the principle of the matter.
“Good,” Gary said. “Okay, time in.” Tears burst from his eyes so bright and shiny that they almost looked like diamonds. “I am going to be alone forever,” he wailed into Tiggy’s chest.
“I never leave you,” Tiggy promised.
“Oh, my heart,” Kevin said, putting his clawed hands over his eyes. “What bright pain is this, taking my breath from me? O, tremble, sweet nothing, because that is what I have inside me now that my heart has been shattered: nothing. I have nothing.”
“This is what you want for the future of Verania?” Lady Tina demanded into her megaphone. “This is what you want for your future? These—these bumbling idiots are going to be what represents us as a country? What if the Darks come back? What if some group outside of Verania comes back? You think anyone will take us seriously? You think the Prince, the future King of Verania, will have any control over his own court with these ridiculous cretins getting in the way with their shenanigans? We need to banish them from Verania, then build a wall around the entire country so none of them could ever get back in!”
“A scathing and completely on point representation of the state of the court of Verania,” Vadoma said. “I like this girl.”
“Do you think the King would execute my grandma if I asked?” I said to Gary and Tiggy. “I mean, I get he said no to Lady Tina, but come on. Vadoma is so executable.”
“I could make it look like an accident,” Gary said. “I’ve done it four times before. Accidentally.”
“Tiggy smash her,” Tiggy said, squeezing us tighter.
“No,” I sighed. “I don’t want you guys to murder anyone. Lady Tina will probably just find some way to use it against us.”
“I’m glad you think that murder is bad because of how someone can use it against you,” Ryan said. “But if you three are done, I’d like to point out that the crowd is starting to get a little angry.”
“What?” I said, pulling away from Tiggy.
And holy shit, was he right.
For everyone in the crowd had turned to face us. Lady Tina still stood on the box, the wind blowing through her hair and ruffling her dress, the sunlight falling perfectly on her shoulders. They weren’t looking at her, but I was, and I could see the evil smirk she had on her face. The crowd around her had varying expressions, from disgust to disdain to outright derision. They were a mixture of middle- and upper-class. I didn’t see anyone from the slums, but rarely did they come up near the castle unless they were summoned. It was two differ
ent worlds, no matter what the King tried to do about it. There were rich people and there were poor people, and as much as we wanted to change it, it couldn’t happen overnight.
“Sweet molasses,” I whispered. “She’s billowing.”
And how unfair was that?
“And that is why today,” Lady Tina announced, “I’m announcing the official We-Hate-Sam-A-Lot Castle Lockes Chapter’s new initiative. The petition to have Sam of Wilds removed as the apprentice to the King’s Wizard and banished from Verania. With enough participants, we can present it to the Good King in hopes that he will take our concerns seriously. I hope I can count on your support. And if you sign, you will get an official We-Hate-Sam-A-Lot pin that you can wear to proudly display your contempt for what is obviously a mistake that must be course corrected. I also brought muffins.” She grinned at me. “They’re blueberry. And delicious.”
TWO DAYS later, the City of Lockes Gazette published an editorial with the headline IS SAM OF WILDS TOO WILD FOR LOCKES? They proceeded to eviscerate me over every one of my perceived failures, including the alleged murder of Lartin the Dark Leaf.
At the very end, it was noted that a petition started by one Lady Tina DeSilva had garnered almost five thousand signatures. “We’re very pleased,” she was quoted as saying. “But not surprised. After all, Sam of Wilds can only flirt his way out of so many disasters, can he not? It’s time he’s held responsible for his actions. Long live Rys—I mean, peace be with you.”
Chapter 11: Decisions Made
SO THINGS kind of went to shit a little bit after that. Gary and Kevin weren’t speaking to each other. I wasn’t speaking to Randall and Morgan. No one was speaking to Vadoma. Ryan was speaking to Ruv, but it was usually in grunts and groans as he tried to do something he considered manlier than whatever it was that Ruv was doing. (“Who eats soup with a spoon? I drink it directly from the bowl! Like a man.”) Justin would just glare at me in that best-friend way he did, the King would squeeze my shoulder and tell me everything was going to be fine, but even I could see that he was worried. Mom and Dad were walking on eggshells around me, and I didn’t know how to make them stop.
