by T. J. Klune
“That’s a terrible name,” I whispered to Gary.
“He’s a terrible dragon,” Gary whispered back.
“I like it,” Tiggy said. “Lord Tiggy, King of Brooms and Happy. Capitalized.”
“It must be true now,” Ryan said. “Because that’s how that works. I know this because I’m a part of the group and fit in and belong.”
“He tries so hard,” Gary said fondly. “Too bad he fails more often than not.”
“I do not!”
“Yes, your majestic majesty, king of all dragons, Kevin,” Left said. “A most wonderful title. It… rolls right off the tongue.”
“Yes,” Kevin said, “it does. Things often roll right off my tongue. Like words. And bodily fluids from twins—”
“And that’s probably something we shouldn’t be talking about,” I said quickly. “Because certainly a lord of your status wouldn’t be so crass in front of people we don’t even know.”
Left and Right glared at me again.
“What?” I asked, confused.
“Interrupting a dragon is a terrible thing to do,” Left said.
“When a dragon speaks, his words are pearls of wisdom that must be collected,” Right said.
“Have you ever heard a dragon speak?” I asked.
“No,” they said.
“Wow. Then I am super sorry for raining on that parade, because—”
“I have pearls of wisdom,” Kevin interrupted.
“Really,” I said, dubious. “You do. You.”
“Yes. I have them all the time!”
“Then by all means. Let’s hear one right now.”
Right and Left looked like they were about to swoon.
“Fine,” Kevin said. He sat back on his haunches and cleared his throat. “Everything shiny leadeth to distraction. Distractions leadeth to sin. Giveth the Lord Dragon your shinies and I shall relieve you of your sins. So spaketh the Lord Dragon, as handsome as he is benevolent.”
“Ooh,” Left and Right said.
I face-palmed.
This was the worst adventure ever.
IT TURNED out that pretty much everyone was enamored by the sight of Kevin, openly staring at him in awe as he walked through the city, the pathways creaking dangerously underneath his weight. They were indifferent toward Tiggy, much to his delight, and dismissive of Gary, much to his righteous anger.
But toward Ryan and me?
You would have thought we’d come to rob their women and pillage their men with the looks we were getting. For every person that squealed at the sight of the dragon, there was another person who looked like they were getting ready to junk-punch Ryan or me, or possibly even both of us at the same time. It wasn’t something I was used to, this open hostility. While by no means universally beloved, I thought at least I had the will of the people at my back. And certainly, the dashing and immaculate Ryan Foxheart did, no matter where he went. Aside from that display by my archnemesis Lady Tina DeSilva and the protesters, we usually were respected, for the most part.
Except, apparently, in Mashallaha.
It wasn’t until we’d gotten halfway through the city and I’d seen a man physically hold back a woman before she threw a clay vase at my head that I had to ask.
“So,” I said to Left. “How are you?”
“Fine,” he said, rather stiffly.
“That’s good. I like your… spear. It’s very sharp.”
“Thank you. I made it myself.”
“That’s nice. I’m so glad we talked about this. Question.”
“If you must.”
“I must. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but there seems to be a large amount of people here that seem to want to chop off my legs and shove them up my ass.”
That didn’t even seem to faze him in the slightest. “Vivid,” Left said. “And accurate.”
“Uh-huh. Any—any specific reason for that, you think?”
He turned to glare at me again. “Surely you jest.”
“I’m not jesting,” I said. “I barely jest at all.”
“He jests all the time,” Gary said. “They call him Jester behind his back.”
“Don’t listen to him,” I said. “He’s a little sun drunk right now. Unicorns get like that and then stupidity falls from their mouths. He doesn’t know what he’s saying and should probably shut up.”
“Yikes,” Gary said. “Someone needs food or a good dicking. I know which one I’m always down for—”
“Anyway,” I said loudly. “What’s the deal here? What’s going on? What’s the haps? Am I going to be murdered?”
“No,” Left said, sounding exasperated. “Of course not.”
“Oh good. Because I don’t want to be murdered.” It was probably in the top five things I didn’t want to have happen to me. Maybe even the top three.
“The Knight Commander might be, though.”
“That’s fine, as long as it’s not me—wait, what?” I stopped walking. Ryan crashed into the back of me. “What’s this about Ryan getting murdered?”
“I’m getting what now?” Ryan asked, eyebrows almost disappearing into his hairline.
“Murdered,” Tiggy whispered loudly before he started cackling like a maniac.
“Oh,” Ryan said. “That’s… not good. I would rather stay alive, thanks.” He gave his most winning smile to Left and Right. My underwear almost fell off, but the guards didn’t appear to be swayed at all. The smile faded slightly. I wanted to rim his butt to make him feel better, but now was not the time or place. For some reason, our powers of persuasion seemed to be dwindling. That was not a good sign. Especially in a foreign city surrounded by strangers.
“And why do they want to do that?” I asked slowly, inching my way in front of Ryan, even though he was scowling at me for it.
“Because of you,” Left said, as if it were obvious.
“Because of who you chose,” Right said, as if we were idiots.
“HaveHeart,” they both said at the same time, sounding disgusted.
“Everyone knows that HaveWolf is better,” Left said.
“HaveWolf is where the magic is,” Right said.
“What,” Ryan said flatly.
“HaveHeart for life, motherfuckers,” Tiggy said, frowning deeply.
What the hell were they— “Ohhh,” I said. “I get it. That’s clever. Ruv is Vadoma’s Wolf. And they think we should be together in a sexy way, if you know what I mean. Like, touching penises and stuff. So, HaveWolf. Wow, that sure sounds erotically charged and—”
Ryan’s face did something complicated.
“—and absolutely ridiculous, of course, because I don’t need to have any other name because I’ve already got my man right here. Who I love. With my heart. All of it, for true.”
Nice save, if I did say so myself. Which I did.
Ryan didn’t seem to think so, given that he scowled harder.
“Be that as it may,” Left said. “You’ll find that people here aren’t as… welcoming.”
“Given that the Wolf is a wonderful man with many fine qualities that you should probably inspect a little closer,” Right said.
“In fact, we would be willing to set that up for you, if you’d like,” Left said.
“And the Knight Commander could take his rest.”
“Or go out into the desert for an extended period of time.”
“By himself.”
“For days. Or maybe forever.”
“Subtle, aren’t they?” Ryan asked, crossing his arms over his chest.
“A little,” I said. “Maybe conniving too.”
“I think I’m good here,” Ryan said to the twins. “In fact, I don’t know that I feel the need to let Sam out of my sight our entire visit.”
“So controlling,” Left said. “Troubling.”
“So demanding,” Right said. “Concerning.”
“Babe,” I said. “I’m my own man. I got this.” I leaned over to kiss him on the cheek. Instead, I hissed in his e
ar, “Don’t ever leave me because I’m pretty sure they’re cannibals and will eat your flesh.”
He started coughing quite loudly.
“You okay?” I asked him, pulling away, eyes wide and innocent.
He nodded, waving at me dismissively while bent over slightly, the poor dear.
“Left, Right,” I said. “Because those are the names I’ve given you since I can’t be bothered to learn your real ones. I’m going to set something straight right now.”
“Please,” Gary said. “You’ve never done anything straight in your life.”
“Zing,” Tiggy said, hoof/fist-bumping Gary.
I ignored them because they were stupid. “I love Ryan. He is my cornerstone. That’s not going to change, no matter what anyone says or does. And if any harm comes to him while we’re here, I will place blame on Mashallaha and will bring the full might of the Crown upon you.”
They stared blankly at me.
“Also, I’ll have Kevin burn this place to the ground. Kevin! Give them a demonstration of the power you wield!”
I grinned at them as their eyes widened, waiting for Kevin to rear up and blow a monstrous plume of fire into the air to show them what happened when they fucked with Sam of Wilds. Maybe he would even roar a little and shake the foundation of Mashallaha beneath our feet.
Of course, nothing happened.
“Kevin,” I said without looking away from the twins. “Anytime now.”
“Um,” Ryan said. “He’s… busy?”
I looked behind me.
Kevin was lying on his stomach, tail flicking back and forth rapidly as he accepted bright and shiny treasures from gypsies who were lining up ahead of him. “Oh yes,” he purred. “I do like this muchly. Your Lord Dragon is pleased and will continue to bestow a bounty upon you and your household. Next, please. Oh, what’s this? Is that real gold? My word, you get extra bounty upon your house. I just… wait a minute. This isn’t real. My gods, this is fake gold. It’s not even fake gold. It’s… it’s a tin can you painted yellow? You dare to try and defy your Lord Dragon? I have half a mind to eat your toes even though I am a vegetarian! Bah, be gone with you, waste of human space! So spaketh Lord Dragon!”
“Godsdammit,” I muttered. “That hardly ever works.”
“Maybe you should learn to be more intimidating on your own,” Gary said.
“Ooh,” Tiggy said. “Sam scary like butterflies scary.”
I frowned. “But butterflies aren’t scary.”
“Tiggy wins,” Tiggy said sagely.
“It probably doesn’t help that you’re diluted, either,” Left said, and that brought the conversation around me to a screeching halt.
“Diluted,” I repeated.
Right looked at me with faint disdain. “Your blood. It’s been tainted.”
“Oh no he didn’t,” Gary breathed.
“Oh yes he did,” Tiggy said, growling low in his throat.
“I’m going to not make any assumptions here,” I said slowly. “Because I want to be clear on what you mean.”
Left was confused, like he couldn’t sense the simmering anger. “Your father, of course. The northern people, pale as the snow. It has lightened your skin and diluted your blood. Your magic would be so much more if you were pure and from the gypsy clan. You are too… white.”
“Tiggy,” Gary snarled. “Hold me back. Hold me back!”
Tiggy grabbed on to him tightly.
Gary began to struggle. “Let me at him, you overgrown assface! Tiggy, let me at ’em!”
And I… well. I didn’t know what to say to that. I didn’t know that I’d ever been discriminated against for the color of my skin. Yes, I wasn’t as dark as the people in the gypsy city, and yes, my father was white, but it wasn’t a problem in the City of Lockes. Or Meridian City. Or anywhere else I’d traveled in Verania.
But before I did something rash and accidentally exploded them where they stood, I thought maybe it didn’t actually have to do with me, per se. Yes, they were talking about me, but it—
“My father is a good man,” I said, voice as even as possible. “My mother is a great woman.”
And there it was. The matching looks of derision. It wasn’t so much that I was lighter in skin than they were, but more the prejudice over the fact that my mother had chosen to leave the clan rather than forsake her love. They saw me as tainted not because of my father, but because of my mother’s choice.
You know what?
Fuck these guys.
I ignored the crowd that had started to gather around us, people whispering to each other, eyeing us warily. They were inconsequential at the moment. If they pressed forward any farther, then we’d have a problem. But right now, they were on the periphery.
Ryan had his hand on his sword, still sheathed at his side. He sounded like he was barely in control of his fury when he spoke. “I am the Knight Commander of the Castle Guard, serving under Good King Anthony and the Grand Prince of Verania. But if you say something like that again to Sam, I will cut your mothercracking heads off.”
“And then I will bathe in your blood and put unicorn curses on your children!” Gary shrieked.
“So badass,” I whispered reverently.
Kevin had ambled his way back over, the wooden platforms creaking under his weight. “Hear me, O people of Malapala.”
“It’s Mashallaha,” I told him.
“Mashamasha.”
“Mashallaha.”
“Macarena.”
“Kevin, just threaten them already!”
“Right, right. Ahem. Ahem. Hear me, people of Mash Potatoes…”
“Oh my gods.”
“…I am a benevolent Lord Dragon, but I can also kick some major ass if called upon to do so. You may bask in my presence—in fact, I encourage you to do so because I am glorious—but if there is one wrong move made toward Sam of Wilds, I will burn the flesh from your bones.”
The crowd took a step back.
“Damn right,” Kevin growled. “I have motherfucking spaketh. Now give me your shiny shit and get out of my sight, you racist dickbags.”
I don’t think I’d ever seen so much gold thrown in my direction before in my life. I felt like a high-class stripper.
LEFT AND Right didn’t have much else to say as they led us farther into the city. The people still stared as we passed, but they kept their mouths shut and averted their eyes anytime Kevin or Gary glared at them. Tiggy kept right at my heels and snarled at everything, like he was daring anyone to even look at me wrong. Ryan walked at my side, hand gripped in mine. I could almost pretend that everything was fine, that everything was normal, but when had any part of my life ever been normal?
That was slightly distressing.
We were in what had to be the middle of Mashallaha, the water below us crystal clear, the walkways shaded by palm trees, when Left and Right slowed to a stop. Ahead of us was what appeared to be four large carriages stacked atop each other. All the wheels were gone, and they looked to have been repurposed as a residence instead of part of a caravan. The carriages were stacked purposefully at odd angles, the middle jutting out to the left, the top facing toward the right. A wooden staircase wrapped around the outside of the dwelling, with a landing at each carriage house. Wind chimes hung over the bottom doorway, loud and obnoxious in the breeze. The door to the lowest carriage was a bright yellow, strange symbols carved into the wood.
It was loud and gaudy and over the top.
I loved it.
“Uh-oh,” Gary said.
“What?” Ryan asked.
“Sam has that look on his face.”
“What look?”
“We should live here,” I said, ignoring the both of them. “Make this exact same house back at Castle Lockes and live in it forever.”
“The crazy-eyed look he gets when he sees something kitschy and needs to own it,” Gary sighed. “I blame his fairy drag mother. Mama always said Sam had an inner drag queen, just waiting to burst free. You s
hould have seen him the day he discovered how to make his own feather boas. Those poor, poor ducks.”
“Sam,” Ryan said, touching me on the shoulder. “We’re not going to live in a replica of this house ever.”
I gave him a wounded look. My bottom lip trembled. “But… I’ve been dreaming of this for the last forty seconds.”
“Don’t you give me that look,” Ryan warned me. “I swear to the gods, it’s not going to work this time.”
“It gonna work this time,” Tiggy whispered to Gary.
“It always does, kitten. We’ve taught him well.”
“We’ll talk about it later,” Ryan said, foolishly trying to hold on to his convictions. He should have known better by now. I would never let this go.
“Yeah, good luck with that,” Gary said. “Guarantee you’ll be living in your own gypsy palace a week after we get back.”
“Two weeks,” I said. “At most.”
“Can we focus on the whole saving-the-world thing first?” Ryan asked. “Because I feel like that should be our priority.”
“Gods,” I muttered. “You’re such a knight sometimes.”
“And just what the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“Such a knight,” Tiggy said. “Calm your tits, Knight Delicious Face.”
Before we could go any further (and knowing us, this conversation would have probably gone on for at least another hour), the yellow door opened, and out stepped Ruv, the Wolf of Bari Lavuta.
“Does he always have to be shirtless?” Ryan asked. “Does he own shirts? I can give him one of mine. Probably would be too big on him. Because I’m bigger than he is. So my shirts would be too.”
“It’s embarrassing to witness, isn’t it?” Gary said to Tiggy.
“No self-awareness,” Tiggy agreed.
“Sam,” Ruv said, a small smile on his face. “Welcome home. I hope the journey was an uneventful one. Mashallaha is honored to have you here.”
“I have bunions,” Gary said. “On my hooves. It was not uneventful. If anything, it was an event. I demand retribution because of—welcome home? Oh, no. No, no, no. I’m onto you, exotic twink. Don’t think that I’m not.”
