“You need to tell Kade.” Kevin grabbed her arm and pulled her toward the empty stable where Brandi and Kade disappeared after supper.
Halting at the edge of the porch, Shayla tugged him to a stop. “Wait. I already did.”
Kevin blinked at her. “You did?”
“Of course.” She released him and folded her arms across her chest. “Once I realized the trouble Kade was having over Bobby’s death, I told him.”
“Oh,” he said, face not quite as pinched.
“He’s the only one who knows, besides you and Caitlin.” She reached out to lightly touch his arm, testing the waters. He moved away to lean against a post and stare out at…anything that wasn’t her. “I’m sorry, Kevin. I didn’t want you to be hurt.” She wasn’t sure why this would hurt him, except for showing her dishonest side. “Amelia’s dad was the only thing I’ve ever been dishonest to you about.”
He glanced at her then, gaze narrowing. “Unless you’re being dishonest now. Hell, I don’t even know your actual name.”
Closing her eyes, she fought back more tears. This was what she’d been afraid of. That he would never believe anything she said again. Opening her eyes, she held his gaze and swallowed past the lump in her throat.
“It’s Shannon. My mom’s name was Kayla. I combined the two.”
His chin lifted slightly, acknowledging he’d heard her, but he remained silent, waiting.
“Shannon is dead. Too dangerous; has too many bad memories. It’s not me. I’m Shayla. The same Shayla you said you loved,” she reminded, voice tight and low, pinched with pain. “And I’m not lying now. It’s one of those things you’d have to trust me on, Kevin. Like me trusting you when you told Kade you’re not using Amelia and I as substitutes.”
His jaw cracked again and he ground out, “I’m not.”
She nodded. “And I believe you.”
Why couldn’t he believe her? Shayla held his gaze, begging him, imploring him to say something. Do something. Show her it was going to be okay.
Tell her he believed her, too.
He shoved a hand through his hair again, and did neither. “I hate dishonesty, Shayla. I hate it,” he said, voice low and rough, full of all the hurt and pain she’d never intended. “I’m going for a ride. I need to think. Go home. I don’t know when I’ll be back.”
And without waiting for a reply, the blue-eyed cowboy strode to the barn, back ramrod straight, gait stiff, carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders and her broken, bleeding heart in his hand.
It was Sunday morning, and after forcing herself to get out of bed, Shayla somehow ended up walking the beach near Brandi’s cottage, shoes in hand, reaching for her phone for the bazillionth time. She pulled the cell from her jeans. No messages. No missed calls. Super.
Since Jen, bless her, had sensed something was wrong and suggested she let Amelia stay there another night, she was free to mope at will. The urge to just stay in bed, staring at the ceiling as she had most of the night—interrupted by bouts of crying and exhausted sleep—had been strong, but she was stubborn.
She hadn’t really done anything wrong to Kevin. Dammit. And she had told him the truth about Ameila’s dad before he found out from someone else. Plus, she hadn’t done anything wrong where Amelia’s dad was concerned, either—she’d contacted Brandon to let him know he was going to be a father, which was a hell of a lot more than Tina had done with Kevin. Those were all good things, very good things, she reasoned, picking her way through the dunes and sea grass back to the path that lead to the boardwalk near The Creamery.
If she just gave him a little time, she was fairly certain Kevin would come around. He would see she was nothing like Tina. He would remember how she’d shown him trust and would show her the same courtesy.
God she hoped so.
The empty, desolate, heavy feeling squeezing her chest was too unbearable. It hurt to think. So she didn’t. To eat. So she didn’t. To breathe. Okay, that she had no choice. But it still hurt.
Coming off the path and onto the boardwalk, she stomped the sand off her feet. Even dried, it stuck to her toes. Wouldn’t let go. Kind of like the dire feeling in her gut. But she refused to think about it. Everything was going to be okay. It had to.
Kneeling, she brushed the sand away with her hand, feeling a little more optimistic. Today was a good day to set things straight. To get everything out in the open. To resolve issues. If he just gave her a chance.
She slipped her feet back into her running shoes when a shadow fell across her path. Her heart rocked in her chest. Kevin. He came to talk.
Straightening, her euphoria died an instant death as icy cold fingers of fear gripped every molecule in her body at once.
“Hello, Shannon. Or should I call you Shayla?”
Frozen in the mid-March sun, she fought to keep her scream inside.
Chapter Nineteen
Kevin felt like shit.
Lost. Confused. Hurt. And knowing he caused Shayla to suffer the same only made him feel worse. Working with his cousin and Cole on the south section of the corral for the old barn, he thought the physical labor would help alleviate frustration and pave the way for clear thinking.
Bullshit.
Now he was hot, tired and dirty. And his head and muscles ached. All right, lack of sleep probably didn’t help, but nothing was working. His mind-palace was still a damn mess.
His chest hurt. Even breathing hurt.
And breakfast that morning with Amelia asking for her mommy? Pure hell. Kevin had never experienced a pain so consuming and deep, he’d even gone into the bathroom to glance in the mirror to make sure nothing was lodged in his chest.
He didn’t like it. The pain, the feeling, it had to stop.
That’s the reason he was at the corral whacking the shit out of a post with a sledgehammer, the percussion rippling up his arms, vibrating through his aching shoulders.
“I think it’s in far enough,” Cole said, then chuckled at his own joke. “I seem to recall my brother saying that to me when I was having trouble two years ago with the girl vortex as he puts it.”
Since there wasn’t much he could say to that statement, Kevin kept quiet and whacked the post again. He knew his buddy sensed a problem. Hell, so did Kade. His cousin gave him the First Sergeant stare all morning. Detecting. Dissecting, whatever the hell the Guardsman did with his recruits to keep them happy and on an even keel.
Kevin was off keel. So far off keel his damn ship was sinking and fast. But he didn’t see how the guys could help.
“It helps to talk, buddy.”
Apparently, Cole thought different.
“Yeah, keeping things bottled up is bad, trust me, cuz.”
And so did Kade.
His cousin cupped his shoulder while his buddy removed the sledgehammer from his other hand. Apparently, they were going to talk.
Fine.
“I don’t like dishonesty.”
The guys exchanged a look then glanced back at him.
“Okay,” Cole said slowly. “What does it have to do with Shayla?”
“That’s not even her real name.”
“It is her legal one,” Kade said, voice as stern as his gaze. “You know the reason she changed it.”
Yeah, he did. And he was being stupid.
Kade’s phone rang. “Yeah? I’ll send him over.” He hung up and glanced at Cole. “Your brother needs some help with the drill you brought today and said something about more lumber. He’s at the empty stable.”
Nodding, his buddy set the post-hole digger against the last post they’d secured, then stepped to him. “Nobody is perfect, Kevin. And we all make mistakes. Even geniuses. This is a good time for me to recite the advice you gave me two years ago.” Making a production of clearing his throat, Cole placed a hand on his shoulder and cocked his head. “Get the fuck over yourself.”
Kade chuckled.
“Remember telling me that?”
He smiled. “Yeah. I do. It was good ad
vice, too. Once you got over yourself and your fears, your pre-conceived ideas, you saw things clearly and ended up getting the girl.”
“All good reasons to take your own advice.” His buddy patted his shoulder, nodded to a smiling Kade, then headed for the stable.
Kevin shook his head, watching his friend make his way across the corral. “That man is seriously too happy.”
“Beats how he was before the advice.”
His cousin’s simple statement sobered Kevin real fast. True. Cole hadn’t been pleasant. Yeah, he definitely didn’t miss that Cole. He’d been a bitch to work for, too.
“So, now that we’re alone. You want to tell me what’s really bothering you?”
He glanced at Kade and he shrugged. “Shayla told me about Amelia’s dad.”
Dawning filtered through his cousin’s gray eyes and his chin lifted. “She must trust you.”
Ah hell.
Kevin’s gut twisted. Not the response he’d expected. His guilt intensified and gnawed like frenzy of cockroaches on a stack of wood.
Kade frowned at him, gaze troubled. “Ah, Kev, what did you say?”
“Not much. Just that I needed to think.”
“About what? She’s not Tina.”
He winced.
“What’s that look for? Did you tell her about Tina?”
“Not really.” He shook his head. “But apparently, she overheard us talking in the kitchen that time she had dinner here after Houston.”
Houston. Hot. Decadent. Mind-blowing. Cripes, that seemed like a lifetime ago.
“What did she overhear? My concern about you using them as substitutes?”
“Yeah.” He nodded.
“Does she think you are?”
He shook his head again. “No.”
His cousin tipped his head and studied him. “And why does she think that?”
“Because I told her I wasn’t.”
“And she believed you.”
“Yeah.”
“But you don’t believe her.”
“Yeah…I mean, no. I mean. Ah hell, Kade. I don’t know what the hell I mean anymore.” Kevin tossed his hands up and began to pace. He was antsy and apprehensive and out of whack.
His cousin leaned back against the finished fence and folded his arms. “How did you two even get on the subject of Amelia’s father?”
“She just came right out and told me.”
Kade whistled and ran a hand through his short hair. “Oh, man.”
Yeah, now that he thought about it, that admission was a huge step for her…and he just pulled the proverbial rug out from under her feet.
Shit.
“I’m not sure you understand just how much she trusted you, Kevin.”
“What do you mean?”
“What she did, lying about Bobby being the father was wrong. And she could get in a lot of trouble if anyone found out. Arrested for fraud. Put in jail. Have her daughter taken away.”
With each word his cousin uttered, Kevin’s stomach tightened.
“Kev, she risked everything to tell me last year. She didn’t have to. No one made her, but she did it on her own because she hated the thought of me thinking…” Kade paused to shove another hand through his hair and blew out a breath. “Anyway, point is, I could’ve turned her ass in.”
He snorted. “You’d never do that.”
“But she had no idea. She risked it. For me.”
Kevin’s throat was hot and tight and something large was smack in the middle making swallowing damn hard.
“She’s a good person, cuz. One who has been through hell. But you know all this,” Kade said. “Don’t use her two times at dishonesty—which, I might add, were both in order to keep people she loved, safe—don’t use those as an excuse to walk away because you’re in uncharted waters, vulnerable. I nearly made that stupid mistake with Brandi. But I realized it’s okay to give up control once in awhile, let someone help you, walk beside you. Trust me, you’ll enjoy the journey much more. So, I’ll ask you again. What is really bothering you?”
Never could pull one over on the guy. Especially when Sgt. Hardass was in the building. Or in this case. The corral.
Taking a deep breath, he shared his deepest fear. “What if I let her down, too?”
“Kevin, you’ve never let anyone down.”
“Oh, you are so wrong, cuz.” He laughed without mirth. “I’ve let everyone down that has counted on me. I let them down, and now they’re dead.”
Kade sucked in a deep breath, held it a few beats then released it slowly as his hands clamped around Kevin’s shoulders, two five-fingered vises. “In no way, shape or form did you let your mom or dad down.”
“Wrong.” He shook his head. Hell, his whole body shook. “I didn’t finish the puzzle,” he said, knocking his fisted knuckles off his temple. “I didn’t get the code completed for the machine before she died.”
“Kevin, she developed the problem when you were just a baby. The scanner would’ve had to have been created back then.”
He knew this to be true, but it still cut deep. The medical scanner he helped create could’ve saved his mother’s life three decades ago. Nothing he could do about it now, not without a time machine. Maybe he’d work on that next. He tried to smile at his attempt at humor, but not even a spark appeared.
“I know,” he replied, moving out of his cousin’s grip. “But I am responsible for my dad’s death. I was the one who neglected to exercise the horse that morning. I should’ve been thrown. Not dad. He picked up my slack and died for it. Don’t tell me it wasn’t my fault, Kade, ‘cause we both know it was.”
Not something he’d ever forget or forgive, and his cousin needed to realize this and drop it.
“Look, Kev, I understand. I do. I understand your guilt. I don’t agree with it, but I do understand it,” Kade acknowledged. “I know I didn’t kill Sgt. Nylan. But, he died under my command.”
A tough pill for anyone to swallow. It killed Kevin to know his compassionate cousin struggled with this issue daily.
“I’m responsible for all my soldiers,” Kade continued. “I gave out orders. He followed them and got killed. I didn’t kill him, but it’s my fault he’s dead, because I ordered him to do that duty. You see?” He stepped close, gaze haunted, yet resolute. “I feel the guilt, too, Kevin. I will always live with it, but I won’t let it rule me. I won’t let it stop me from living. Don’t let it stop you.”
If his cousin could use that advice to move on, to live life and be happy, then maybe he could, too.
Throat hot and tight, he cleared it. “I won’t.” He hugged his cousin and slapped him on the back. “I promise.”
“Then maybe you have a phone call you need to make?”
Feeling foolish and remorseful, he blew out a breath and nodded. “Yeah. Hope she doesn’t hate me.”
“Nah, that woman loves you,” Kade said, picking up the sledgehammer to whack the last post they’d placed. “We can all see it, just as we can see you love her, have for a while now.”
It was on the tip of Kevin’s tongue to deny it, but then he realized Kade was right. His feelings for the woman were deep, going back before he first proposed they try making it a go at their relationship. His love for the redhead was what planted the idea in his head in the first place. That, and the fact he couldn’t live without her.
Cripes, he was such an idiot.
Unsure what he’d even say to her, he pulled out his phone anyway and called her, knowing to at least start with an apology. But he didn’t get the chance to tell her because she didn’t answer. Could she still be sleeping? He glanced at the time. No. It was one in the afternoon. Unless she tossed all night like him. Probably.
Just in case she had the phone off so she could sleep, he sent her a quick text.
SORRY. I’M AN IDIOT. PLEASE CALL ME.
After a few seconds went by and there was no answer, his heart started to feel squished. He tried a few more. And called again.
No
thing.
Damn, she didn’t skip town, did she?
His head snapped up and he glanced at Kade. “Amelia’s still here, right?”
“What?” His cousin frowned. “Yeah, I think so, why? What’s wrong?” He dropped the hammer and was in front of him in a second.
“I’ve called and texted several times, and there’s no response.” He dragged air into his lungs and asked a tough question, “Do you think she’s so mad at me she’s not answering, or do you think there’s a problem?”
“One way to find out.” Kade pulled out his phone, called, texted.
No response.
In a flash, Kevin hopped the fence and ran like hell to his truck. His cousin was right behind him, phone to his ear, giving orders to his deputy, then he made another call. “Caitlin? It’s Sheriff Dalton. I’m calling to check in with you. Good. Is Shayla there with you? No?”
Shit.
Kevin’s heart felt as if pinched in the jaws of life. Shayla was his life. Why hadn’t he realized it before his idiot of the year entry? When he reached his truck with Kade in tow, the McCall brother’s dropped the wood they’d been carrying and rushed over, concern darkening their gazes.
“I’m not sure,” his cousin told Caitlin. “No. Kevin is right here. She’s not answering her phone. I need you to go to wherever your designated safe place is right now and wait for my call. Okay? Good. I will. Okay. Bye.”
“What’s going on?” Cole bounced his gaze between them.
“Shayla’s not answering our calls or texts.” Kevin grabbed his friend’s shoulders. “You don’t know where she is, do you?”
“No. Sorry.”
He released him and glanced at Connor.
“No clue,” the giant replied. “Do you want me to call Kerri and ask her to go up to the apartment?”
“No,” Kade rushed to say. “No. I’m not sure it’s safe. Jordan’s on her way there now.”
Feeling as if someone was ripping the heart out of his chest with a barbecue tong, Kevin stared at his cousin. “Did she try calling?”
Her Forever Cowboy (Harland County Series Book 4) Page 26
