Ding!
The doors open from the center and before they’ve even disappeared into the walls, I spot Blair in the bar across the hall. He looks … comfortable. Relaxed even. Here I am, shredded up inside. The one who cried the tears. Faced the humiliation. Dealt with the aftermath. And there’s Blair, casually leaning against the bar, nursing a scotch while staring at the television like he doesn’t have a single thing on his mind more important than the sports highlights.
No. He doesn’t get off so easy.
Stepping out onto the tile, I catch a glimpse of myself in the bank of mirrors at the end of the lobby. I grow almost an inch as I stand tall, jut my chin out, and let the power of my jumpsuit infuse with the anger flowing through my veins.
My sandals click on the floor as I stride into the bar and sit on the stool next to him without any small talk or pretense.
“Oh, Joss.” Blair is taken off guard and he readjusts his face into the puppy-that-shit-on-the-floor thing he had going on earlier. “Thank you for coming down so quick, I thought you might be a while before you joined me, so I ordered a drink. Here let me get you one.” He lifts his hand like he’s trying to make a shadow puppet of a duck and twists it around until the bartender notices.
“What can I get ya?” The young lady with glasses consuming half her face comes over.
“What would you like, Joss? A scotch?” He swirls the liquid amber in his glass.
“Beer please,” I answer the lady not him.
“Beer?” Blair looks at me funny? “Are you sure?”
“Beer.” I nod to the bartender and she rolls her eyes at him.
“Coming right up,” she says.
“Well, look at you. All tanned and drinking beer. I’m glad.” Blair turns to face me and I frown.
“Glad?”
“Here you go.” The woman behind the bar slides a beer to me and I take a long swig.
“Yeah, that you came on the honeymoon. And I’m glad you and Benji and his friends have been making the most of a bad situation.”
I’m not sure what part I want to attack first. His assumption that Finn and Cohen couldn’t possibly be my “friends” or him calling ditching me at the altar “a bad situation.” Like he didn’t have everything to do with it.
I open my mouth, but he leans in and lifts up my hand and I clamp it shut again. Memories of less infuriating times pop up in my brain. They dance with the daydreams I used to have about my future. Of who I would be in this world. All those doubts come creeping back in again.
Another swig of beer does nothing to dull them. Maybe I should have gone with the scotch, after all.
“What do you want, Blair?” I pull my hand back, refusing to look at him. I won’t let him see the wound he left on my spirit.
“Another chance.” He dips his head, trying to lock his eyes on mine but I’m not playing his game.
“Ha.” It’s not a real laugh. It comes out dry and brittle.
“I know. I don’t deserve one. No one knows more than me, but, Joss, I still love you so much.” He gives up on the eye contact thing but anger surges through my blood and I snap my attention on him.
“How can you say that?” I hiss. “You love me? You left me at the church, in my dress, crying into the flowers you helped me pick out, Blair. You hurt me. You embarrassed me. And now you have the nerve to say you love me?” My voice shakes.
“It was a horrible thing for me to do. I understand,” he starts.
“No, you don’t!”
He cringes as people around us turn and look. But I don’t care. Fuck those people and fuck Blair.
“I don’t want to hear how sorry you are, Blair,” I continue. “I want to know why you did it. What could make a decent man, a man I thought I was going to devote my entire life to, what could make you do that to me?”
The silence between us is huge. I swear even the chatter in the bar turned down a notch. Like it’s not just me waiting for this answer. Like everyone in here is paused, their drinks frozen in midair, all of us eager to hear what could possibly justify his actions.
He shrugs and swallows the last of his drink, setting his glass on the bar and finally looks at me. “I got scared.” His words are as plain as his face.
“Scared of what?”
“I don’t know.” He raises his hands, like he’s trying to pluck answers from the air. “Of knowing the end, I guess. I was scared I knew how it was all going to go. Scared life was going to be so predictable and the path was set. I kept wondering, was there more I was supposed to do first? Should I have traveled more when I was single? Should I have been with more women? Should I have, and I know this sounds stupid, but should I have gone on more adventures or whatever?”
“Not stupid.” I glare at my beer bottle and sniff. Tears line the bottoms of my eyes. “I wondered those things too, Blair.” I nod.
“So you get it, right?” Relief floods his voice.
Tears fall from the corners of my eyes and I flick them away. Shoulders back. Head up. Don’t let that chin quiver for one second. I find the strength to look in his eyes.
“No, I don’t get it. You know why?”
“Why?” he whispers.
“Because I never would have done that to you. I would have taken those doubts and concerns to you, Blair. I wouldn’t have used them as a reason to run from you. When you had doubts, you didn’t show up. You missed the most important day of our lives the first time you had those thoughts in your brain? And now I’m supposed to thank you for coming to your wits and take you back? What about the next time you get scared, huh?”
“Joss, nobody’s perfect. What I did was shitty, but it can be worked out,” he pleads.
“Do you think marriage gets easier with time? We were supposed to be there through thick and thin, Blair. You didn’t even jump the first hurdle. What were you going to do when we had a baby? Be one of those husbands who heads out to the gas station and then abandons their families? I can’t be with someone who is so unsure of a future with me they couldn’t even show up and tell me to my face. I can’t be with someone who has so much doubt in their heart about me.”
“No, but that’s what I’m saying, aren’t you listening? I don’t doubt us anymore. That’s why I’m here. I can make this right. We can still have everything you wanted. The house, the three Shar-peis? Little Larry, Curly, and Mo. We can build the firm and live the dream we had.”
“You had,” I counter. “That was never my dream, or if it was, it isn’t now. I’m sorry, Blair. We’re over.” I step down from the stool and shake my head.
“What do you mean it’s not your dream? Of course, it is. Listen to me, come on, sit down, we can work this out.”
“I don’t need to listen to you. I need to listen to me.” I tap my fingers to my heart. “To this. Look, Blair, I don’t hate you. Thank you for coming out here and giving me this closure. Really, I mean it. It’s really helped me understand what I need to do. I can’t keep living other people’s dreams. It’s time for me to do what I should have from the beginning. I need to follow my heart.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I’m not coming back with you, I’m not coming back to the firm. I’m staying in Hawaii, Blair. I’m happy here. I don’t want a passionless career. I refuse to live a passionless life.” I touch his arm. “Please, let this go. Go have those adventures. Find those women. And don’t settle until you’ve truly found the one you don’t struggle to picture forever with. That’s what I’m doing.”
“It sounds like your mind is made up.” He pulls away from my touch.
“It is. Goodbye, Blair.”
He doesn’t answer me, but he doesn’t have to. This is for me. It’s an end but the beginning. It’s a jumble of emotions in my heart and mind right now. I can’t go back to the room when I leave the bar. I need to go for a walk and clear my head. The beach and salty air might help. I walk out of the hotel and down to the sand, realizing, for the first time in my life I can do anythi
ng I want to. I can start again and breathe life into each day, starting with today.
29
Finn
“Do you think we should go back? It feels weird walking away, doesn’t it?” Cohen yammers on as I briskly walk down the sidewalk.
“No, we shouldn’t go back,” I answer through tight lips.
“I dunno, man. I think we should go make sure she knows how we feel about her.”
“She knows, Cohen. Let’s call it a night, okay? Go home. I’m gonna go find a beach to sleep on and we’ll talk about it tomorrow.” I try to keep the edge out of my voice, but there’s no hiding it.
“That doesn’t sound like much of a plan,” he answers and almost bumps into me when I stop in my tracks.
“What the fuck?” I mutter under my breath, frowning at the police officer shining a flashlight in my camper windows. “Can I help you, Officer?” I call out, marching into the parking lot of our surf shop.
“Are you the owner of this vehicle?” He turns to me and shines the light on my face.
“I am.” I squint. “And a co-owner of this shop. Is there something wrong?” I point to my Westfalia.
“No, I’m making sure someone wasn’t squatting on the property. We’ve got a lot of big money on the island breathing down our necks to keep the tourist spots from becoming tent cities filled with homeless people.”
“Great,” I answer flatly. Obviously, it’s not about to get easier for me to find good places to park for the night. “Thank you, Officer.” My voice is glum. He gives us a nod and heads out in his squad car while I grab my keys and instead of getting in my van, I open the shop and go upstairs.
“What are you doing?” Cohen follows me up to our “office” and watches me kick empty boxes across the floor.
“Does it matter? Cleaning? Going through purchase orders? I don’t fucking know. I just need to do something. I’ve gotta get my mind off her and I can’t. And not only tonight, either. I mean, she’s in there.” I point to my temple. “And I don’t think I can get her out.”
“Well, then, let’s go back there. Like I was saying, we need to make sure she knows this stuff. If we walk away, we’re letting her go without a fight.”
“We lost the fight, Cohen!” I roar like an animal protecting something precious. In this case, my heart.
“What? No, we didn’t. That guy ditched her on her wedding day, there’s no way we lost.” His lips twist as he shakes his head.
“Oh yeah? Then why did she ask us to leave? If we’re the winners here, why is she with him right now?” My voice shakes and I take a deep breath. “We lost, Cohen. I’m sorry, but it’s true.” I ease up on my tone.
He looks down at the floor and then frowns up at me. “I’m not letting her go so easily,” he huffs.
“What are you gonna do?” I roll my eyes, “Are you going to go fight the guy? Make a big scene and embarrass Joss? She never promised us forever. Not like him.” I flip my hand at the wall like Joss’s ex is going to materialize for us. “Do you really think storming over there and punching some guy you don’t even know is going to change anything? She was ready to give him the rest of her life, Cohen. She only ever planned to give us a week.”
“No.” I can practically see his brain churning up ideas. Searching for a fix. “I don’t think violence is the answer. Obviously. But …” He snaps his fingers and his eyes light up. “There’re other ways to make your point without fighting. What do girls love more than anything?”
I shrug.
Cohen doesn’t let that slow him down, he’s got some kind of idea brewed up and he’s excited to blurt it out. “A big gesture. Right?”
“What are you talking about?”
“You know what I mean. Like in a movie when the guy runs through the airport, or shows up with the boombox or whatever. We need to do that. Like, maybe we could write her a song and tell her to meet us on the beach …”
“Sure.” I raise my eyebrows. “A song. Oh, or maybe we can tell her to meet us on the beach and both surf in at the exact same time singing a song.”
“I mean, we could …”
“Yeah, like we’ll both have little ukuleles and leis around our necks too and we’ll serenade her as we roll in on a wave.”
“The uke’s might be tough, man. I don’t know if that’s realistic.” Cohen frowns.
“Exactly! None of it is realistic. Are you kidding me? A song? Those are movies, not reality. In reality, Joss chose him. Him, not us. Wake up,” I snap.
“Fine, you don’t have to be a dick about it,” he answers. Cohen slumps down in a chair and I go back to shuffling through random papers in the office, dying for a distraction from the misery swelling up inside me.
Cohen slumps forward, staring down at his feet, “I’m falling for her. I didn’t think I wanted to settle down. Out of all the girls I’ve met, she’s the first one in a long fucking time I could see myself getting old with.” He clasps his hands together.
I can hear the heartbreak in his voice before it travels over his face. I know what it sounds like because it’s the same in my voice. “I know, Cohen. Me too.”
“Falling for who?”
We both snap around, facing the door to the stairs. Joss looks like a fever dream, her eyes bright and sparkling, her lips almost the exact same color of pink as her cheeks. Cohen pops up out of the chair and lurches toward her. “Joss, what are you doing here?”
I don’t leap forward or try to grab her or kiss her or any of that shit. I stand back. Cautious. If she’s here to say goodbye, I’m not opening the front door to my own heartbreak.
“I told Blair I’m not getting back with him,” she answers. “I was going to call you guys, but I needed to clear my head first so I was taking a walk down the beach and I saw the lights on in here.”
“So, you’re done with Blair, but you’re still going back to Ohio?” My voice has more snarl than I intend. I didn’t realize how much the idea of losing her was killing me until I had to say it out loud.
“I do have to go back.” She nods. My heart feels like someone wrapped a rope around it and started tugging at both ends.
“Because I need to go through my stuff before I can up and move it here,” she continues.
Cohen grabs her around the waist and picks her up, he gives her a little swirl and they kiss. I wait until the moment passes and then I move in, sliding my hands up the insides of her legs, I lift her up, pinning her against the wall.
“Does that mean … are you coming back to us? You’re going to give this a shot?” My lips are less than an inch over hers.
“Yes.” Her lashes flutter. “I’m falling for you guys too. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life regretting walking away. If the three of us can’t work, I want to find that out on our own. Not give up because of what someone else might think.”
“That’s our girl.” Cohen moves in on her side and I let her legs slide to the floor. She slides between us and we take turns kissing her until the kisses build. Until our ache for her builds. Until we can’t resist her for another second. Until she’s completely and totally ours.
Epilogue
Joss
Bang!
“Shhh! Don’t wake her up, man,” Cohen scolds Finn in a loud whisper.
“I’m not trying to wake her up,” Finn hisses, “I stubbed my fucking toe because you don’t know how to pick up after yourself.”
“Oh sure, blame me because you don’t have the basic night vision every other human being has.”
“What’s going on?” I lift my eyelids enough to make out their silhouettes in our darkened bedroom. “What time is it?” I stretch my hands up over my head and twist my legs down until I’m arched out like a lazy cat in a sun spot.
“It’s five,” Finn answers and I open my eyes a little more. Enough to see the exchange of dirty looks between them. “We’re going to the beach for an early morning surf, before the tourists and all that.”
They get out there most mornings. It
’s pretty easy to now that they turned their old office into a one bedroom apartment for the three of us. The space is tiny but comfortable. Besides, I already live in paradise with two of the most amazing men I’ve ever met. How much more do I really need?
“Yeah, sorry about the noise,” Cohen gives Finn another pointed look. Finn gives him something to frown about when he holds up his middle finger at him.
“We’ll keep it down. You get your rest,” Finn leans over me, kissing my cheek. His hand runs down over my rounded belly, “Your body is working overtime.”
It’s true, I’m almost officially out of the first trimester of this pregnancy. I don’t know if it was because we live in Hawaii or what, but when I pictured myself getting pregnant I thought it would be soft and glowy. Like womanly curves and intuition going into overdrive and the wisdom of a maternal instinct kicking in.
The reality of it has been softer and… doughier. My belly is already starting to bell out like a tiny turtle shell, knocking me off balance. The only thing that’s gone into overdrive is heartburn and I can’t say that a maternal instinct has been kicking in. Instead, I’ve been some kind of fretful sleep zombie. Every night I’m awake with random worries about whether or not I can even do this motherhood thing without messing it all up.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my baby already. More than anything and in a different way than I’ve ever loved before. I’m just saying the whole idea of pregnancy being like a long dress gently flowing down over soft curves while I light the world up with my dewy complexion is… total bullshit.
At least some of my nerves should go away after tomorrow. I can’t wait to see my baby on the ultrasound for the first time. The idea turns me into a big softie. I roll against my pillow with a smile and then my eyes pop open and I sit up.
“Why don’t you stay and chill? It’ll be nice to have the whole bed to yourself, won’t it?” Finn asks.
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