"I wouldn't joke about that," he huffed as he stomped away.
"You're making friends fast," Chuck observed with a grin.
"Yeah, I'm good like that," I muttered as I took the beer from his hand and drank. "Are there any honey badgers here?"
The entire crowd went silent and stared at me in horror. WTH? Wanda, Bo, Simon and a very handsome man hustled over.
"Oh my dear," Wanda said. "We don't mix with the badgers or the hyenas. That would be deadly, especially now."
"The badgers have put a bounty on your head for killing a fourth of their colony," Simon informed me as he gave me a quick loving hug.
"Those little bastards were trying to kill Mac and me. What was I supposed to do?"
Should I have run? No way. I did lose a fabu outfit, but the mind-blowing orgasm I got from the wolf I'd zapped and then saved had been worth it.
"She popped the bastards like ticks," Chuck proudly announced to the crowd who began to applaud loudly. The chant started softly and then grew to proportions that made me uncomfortable.
"Whis-per-er. Whis-per-er. Whis-per-er," they yelled.
"Hold on, dudes," I shouted over the unruly group. "I'm just temporary."
All the chanting stopped. That certainly shut them up.
"I mean, um… I'm not your best witch and I, ahhh…"
The shocked and sad looks on their faces made my stomach churn.
"She's thinking about it," Simon chimed in, saving me from myself. "Plus, I'm fairly sure she just did the nasty with Mac!"
The crowd went wild again for the second time in five minutes. WTF? Did Mac have a problem getting laid? I had a hard time believing that.
"She's his mate!" the mountain lion bellowed joyously. "She said he smelled good!"
Again with the screaming and cheering.
A furious and beautiful blonde came tearing forward from the back of the group. She grabbed me by the hair, yanked my head to the side and examined my neck. "He didn't mark her," she grunted with satisfaction. "He's not mated to the witch."
This situation was not working for me. At all. A ball of fury simmered in my gut. Blondie was fixing to go down. Shimmering gold fire engulfed my arms and chest. The Shifters gasped and Blondie jumped back in terror.
"If you ever put your hands on me again," I growled, "I will remove them. As in blast them off of your arms. And for your information, I am not mated because I told him I would tear his nuts off if he mated with me. We're kind of sort of dating and if you even go near him I will zap your head bald and pop your enhanced chest. It will be permanent, so I suggest you watch your skanky butt around me. Understand?"
"You're a witch," she informed me haughtily. "A witch could never keep a wolf satisfied."
"You're a wolf?"
"Yes," she crowed proudly. "I can handle his needs. Not you."
"Interesting. That's not what he said when I was sitting on his face about an hour ago."
The laughter from the peanut gallery made me grin. I took a quick bow, but Blondie screeched in fury. She growled and started to shift.
She was actually going to attack me. At my house? At my picnic? Not happening.
I pointed my fingers and zapped her mid-shift. I did warn her. She was now bald and a negative A cup.
The crowd went crazy—jumping and screaming and high-fiving like idiots.
"That was impressive," Simon congratulated me with a shit-eating grin on his cute face. "She's an evil bitch."
"I had no choice. She was going to kill me," I said, still shocked at that simple fact and that I'd just disfigured her in front of all my neighbors. My stomach felt queasy and I grabbed on to Wanda for support.
Blondie lay shrieking on the ground as the Shifters pointed and snickered.
"Don't worry, Zelda," Wanda comforted. "She's had it coming for a long time."
"Um… well."
I blew out a frustrated breath. I couldn't leave her like that. It was wrong. It felt really good in the moment, but in the long run it would kind of suck. Blondie pathetically tried to hide her hairless head and missing breasts.
"Get up," I snapped.
I might have a semblance of a heart, but I wasn't stupid. I could be a kind witch, but I would be a kind witch with huge balls. My tone was strong and my stance even stronger. Blondie crawled to her feet and kept her head bowed.
"You're a skanky ho and if you ever challenge me again, this nice new look will be permanent. Do you follow me?"
She glanced up at me with hopeful eyes and dropped to her knees. "Yes, I follow you," she whispered in shame.
"Good. Now if any of you have a cell phone and want a picture take it now because I'm going to reverse the spell."
About twenty Shifters took quick pics. The public humiliation was slightly unnecessary, but proof of what I could do when crossed might come in handy. I quickly let my healing magic emerge to the delight of the crowd and I restored Blondie to her former beauty.
"Thank you," she said.
"You're welcome, but you have to leave. I won't enjoy myself if I'm wondering if you're going to attack me from behind."
"Right," she muttered and walked glumly to her car and left.
"You are quite the alpha bitch," Roger Rabbit said admiringly. "Mac is one lucky bastard."
"Roger," I said as I swallowed my need to laugh at his name. "I am no one's bitch. I am a selfish, unstable, materialistic, magical menace."
"Yes. You are exactly what we need—what we have waited for," the handsome man with Wanda said kindly. "Hildy always promised if anything ever happened to her one even more insane, derailed, irresponsible, psychopathic and powerful would become our benefactor."
"Who are you?" I knew he was trying to compliment me by his welcoming tone, but the descriptions, while possibly true, were highly insulting.
"He's my mate, Kurt," Wanda said as she took his hand in hers. "Kurt is the alpha of the raccoons."
Their love was unmistakable and I was a little jealous. Little Bo pushed between them and his father picked him up and laid a wet one on his cheek.
"Nice to meet you," I said. "But I don't think I can stay here. I have a life back in… um, well—a life."
"I see," Kurt said. "Well, while you're here let us show our appreciation. You have already healed many and it's time to celebrate. Simon, are you and the boys ready?"
"Yes, we are!"
Simon and several other skunk shifters had set up instruments on a makeshift stage. They all sported the same black hair with a white stripe and were all as cute as Simon. I wondered if they were brothers.
And then they sang.
And they were amazeballs.
They covered everything from Nirvana to Journey. Simon was the freakin' bomb. Plate after plate loaded down with delicious food kept being placed in my hands. Fabio held court with a bunch of pre-pubescent mountain lion shifters and taught them the finer points of ball licking—by demonstrating.
Glancing around, I wondered if Mac would come back, but I couldn't find him.
"Looking for someone?" Wanda asked with a twinkle in her eye.
"Nope."
"He'll be back. He's looking for the honey badgers to negotiate your bounty."
"Oh my Goddess," I gasped and jumped to my feet. "He can't go after those bastards alone."
"Yes, he can. And he's not alone," Chuck assured me. "He'll kill them all if they come after you."
"In case you guys forgot, I'm quite capable of taking care of myself," I snapped, freaked out that Mac the jackass could possibly die while I was eating a hamburger.
"Yes, but he's a man," Chuck said as if that was logical.
"And an alpha," Wanda chimed in.
"And our king," Kurt added respectfully.
I'd boffed their king? That was kind of hot and at the same time crazy.
"Did Hildy have to deal with all this shit?" I wondered out loud.
They were quiet as they exchanged loaded glances.
"Spit it out," I said. "T
ell me what I need to know… Please."
"Her magic kept the order in line. Without her magic, the structure has been disrupted and all hell has broken loose," Kurt said solemnly.
"So many are dying," Wanda said.
"Wait. Can I just do some voodoo and get it back in line and then go back to my… you know, um…"
"Liiiiife?" Fabio supplied unhelpfully. I didn't have much of a life, but it was better than this crap.
"Yes. My life. You're supposed to be on my side, cat."
"I aaaaaaam," he said. "Alwaaaays."
"The voodoo has to be maintained," Chuck said sadly. "Hildy was amazing at that. I miss her." His head drooped and he quickly wiped a tear from his eye.
"You loved her," I said.
"Yes, I did. Excuse me," Chuck said as he walked away into the woods.
"Will he be safe out there?" I asked.
"He can defend himself almost as well as Mac. He'll be fine," Kurt assured me. "Now enough of this sadness. This is a party."
My mind was on Mac and Chuck, but I pasted on a smile, grabbed a beer and greeted my neighbors.
***
My brain was filled with more names than I'd ever be able to remember and my tummy was full. Everyone was gone and I was glad. I couldn't take so much normal and so much happy. I'd ended up flying shifters around the yard with magic—children and adults. It was a huge hit.
The image of Roger Rabbit shrieking like a girl and grunting 'I'm the king of the world' as I jettisoned him through the air would take weeks to remove from my brain. Whatever. It was the most fun I'd had in a very long time. I was used to being chastised for using my magic, but here I was revered. Of course I was using it for the benefit of others… maybe that was okay.
"You do realize the mating bite is very pleasurable," Wanda said as she packed away the leftovers in my fridge.
"Why would you think I need that information?" I asked as I pilfered a cookie from the tray on the counter.
"Just in case it was fear of pain holding you back, I wanted you to know it's amazing." She blew out a long breath and gave me the thumbs up.
"How amazing?"
"Amazing—amazing," she said as she fanned herself.
"Wanda, I don't know Mac—at all. And he doesn't know me. I can't just mate with a wolf—or anyone for that matter. I didn't exactly grow up with good examples of loving relationships and I'm going to be alive for hundreds of years… unless the honey badgers off my ass."
"Zelda, Shifters live for hundreds of years too, just like witches."
That was something to chew on… but that didn't change the fact I didn't know the first thing about him. Did he have siblings? Did he leave the toilet seat up? Could he do it more than one time a night? Stop. No way was I seriously considering this.
"Anyhoooo, from what I understand species can't crossbreed."
The thought actually depressed me and I wondered why Mac hadn't realized this. Maybe he had skipped school too.
"Yes." Wanda nodded her head in agreement. "But that's with Shifters mating with Shifters. Witches are different. Any magical being can mate with a witch."
Maybe witches were the O negative of the voodoo world.
"Wanda, I appreciate the heads up, but I'm not staying. I'm pretty sure finding my aunt's killer is my mission and I'm kind of behind on that."
"I think it was the honey badgers, or maybe the hyenas, or possibly other witches," she volunteered.
"That certainly narrows it down." I rolled my eyes and grabbed another cookie I didn't need. "I need to find the badgers."
"No, Zelda. It's not safe. We can't lose you too," she stated firmly.
Did she actually care or was it because I could heal them? I suppose it didn't really matter. I was leaving, but a tiny part of me wished it was just because she liked me.
"I'm going on a date with Mac tomorrow," I told her quickly before I asked if she actually cared about me.
"Oooooohhhh," she trilled as she grabbed her purse and made her way to the front door. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do."
"Not really helpful," I told her as I followed her. "What don't you do?"
"With my mate? Nothing." She laughed and hustled out.
These Shifters were nuts.
Chapter 12
Speaking of nuts, Fabio was on my bed doing his business.
I'd spent last night after the picnic and the entire day today on Fabio's laptop studying honey badgers and hyenas. There were secret sites that pertained to Shifters and witches. Mortals thought these were jokes, but they weren't. Hiding in plain sight was the way most magical beings lived. As to why Fabio had a top of the line computer, I had no clue and decided it was in my best interest not to pursue any line of questioning.
The late afternoon sun poured through the window and I sighed with contentment. Fabio and I had attacked the leftovers from yesterday's picnic for both breakfast and lunch. I shut the computer and grinned at the thought of a date with Mac. What to wear? Hmmmmmm.
"Iiiiiii think I should accompaaany you on your oouuuting," Fabio said as he took a break.
"And why would you think that?" I asked.
I went through my outfit choices with materialistic glee.
"So youuuuuu don't loooose your dignitttty with that hairy baaastard."
"Too late. Been there. Done that," I said.
Fabio moaned and slapped his little furry head with his paw.
"I'm a grownup and you are my cat. My sex life is not your concern. I want to have some fun before I get turned into a mortal."
"Baabaaa Yaaaaaga will not take your poweeeeers," he said with confidence.
"Um… I have no clue who killed Hildy and I'm sure that's what I'm supposed to do here."
"Areeee you suuure that's your task?" he asked as he pushed a pair of chocolate thigh high boots with stiletto heels at me.
"Oh my hell, those are awesome. Did you go back to Paris?"
"Miiilan."
"Nice. And no, I'm not sure that's my task, but solving the problems with the Shifters means staying and I don't stay. Anywhere. Ever."
"That breeeaaaks my heart."
"Well, get over it. You're going to have to find another witch unless I figure this clusterfuck out."
"You're myyyyyy witch. I will go mortal with youuuuuu."
"Is that possible?" I asked. What was wrong with him? Why would he do such a thing?
"I willllllll make it soooooo."
I shook my head and grinned. The little bastard was growing on me. At night he cuddled up and purred as I fell asleep. I was almost used to waking up and seeing his nut sack cleansing ritual every morning. Almost.
"You are making it more difficult for me to mow you down with a car or put you in the pound." I scratched his furry head and then finished dressing. "How do I look?" I was rocking a super short mini and an off the shoulder fitted top.
"Like my princessssssssss." he declared. "I juuust wish you were dating a waaarlock, not a wolf. Maaaaybe you should show a litttttle lesss cleavage."
"Warlocks are losers. I wouldn't date a magic dude ever. Too self-absorbed in the bedroom," I told him as I touched up my makeup and lowed the neckline of my shirt a bit more just to piss him off.
"TMI," Fabio grunted with disgust. "TMIIIIIIIII."
"You started it."
"Truuuuue."
"Anyhoo, I guess I've got about a week till Halloween and I'm going to…"
"Ummmmm, Zeeelda," Fabio cut me off.
"Yes?"
"Toooooooday is October thirty-first."
"Right." I laughed and slipped into my boots as I readjusted my shirt. Too much boob was not my style. I was going for sexy, not hookery. "Good one, Fab."
"It issssssssss," he hissed.
I froze and felt the leftover cookies, hamburgers and coleslaw creep up my esophagus. This was not happening. "I was passed out for two weeks," I yelled. “You all told me two weeks! It can't be the thirty-first. I have another week."
"I guessssss we
were kind of off on the timing. Weeeee were worried."
"Holy shit Fabio, why didn't you say anything?"
I was two seconds away from a total freak out. The kind where lots of stuff got broken and I lost my voice for a week.
"I thought youuuuuu kneeeew." He was getting as freaked as I was.
"Clearly I did not," I shrieked. "I don't want to be a mortal."
"I willll come with youuuu. I promise."
My break down stopped for a brief moment and I looked at my cat. "Can you really do that?"
"It's never been done successfully, buuuuut I willlll try," he promised.
"Wait. You could die?" Oh my Goddess, I did not deserve this stupid cat.
"Possssssibly."
"Then no. Absolutely not. I will not allow that. Maybe I could get some kind of visitation rights or something."
I crossed my arms over my chest and stomped my foot so he would know I was serious.
"Youuuuu like meeeee." He was positively ecstatic.
"No, I don't."
"Yessssss, you dooooooo!"
He was such a pain in my ass.
"Fine," I grumbled. "I like you. Are you happy now?"
"Dooooo you loooove me?" he asked quietly.
"Don't push your luck, cat. All of this is totally unacceptable. All of you stupid idiots are making me feel things. And I don't feel things. It's not good for me."
"Assssssbuckle, West Viiirginia agrees with youuuuuuuuu."
"No, it does not," I snapped. "I have to find the badgers. I think they killed Hildy."
"I thiiiink you're riiiight."
"You do?"
"Yesssss, but you will not gooooo alone. I will come wiiith you. You willll need my magic toooooo."
"I was supposed to ride on a motorcycle and have sex by the river." I sat down on my bed and mourned the life I couldn't have.
"Youuuuu will have sex tomorroooooww," Fabio assured me.
"You approve of that?"
"Nooooo, but I want youuu to be happpppy."
"As nice as that sounds, I'm not sure I'll be around tomorrow to do anything."
"Yessssss, Zelda. Youuuuuu willllll."
Chapter 13
"No. Not happening," Mac spat angrily as he paced my kitchen. He looked good enough to eat in his jeans, faded t-shirt and shit kickers, and he was pissed.
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