At school, everyone is waiting inside because it’s raining. I look around for Sanam, but I don’t see her anywhere. That’s when I realize she’s with Red. They’re pretty close together and she’s smiling really big. I don’t go over to them. I can’t ruin this moment for her by showing up and making things awkward with Red.
“So, do you think that’s a thing?” Dylan asks. I look up as soon as I hear his voice.
I’m not sure what Sanam would want me to say right now, and I don’t want to make it obvious that she likes Red, unless I know he likes her back. I shrug. “Do you?”
“It definitely is,” Dylan says.
“Cool.” I smile.
We’re both quiet for a few seconds, and I can’t decide if it’s cute or awkward that we’re talking about other people liking each other, when I’m pretty sure we both like each other, too. I think about giving Dylan back his book, but it doesn’t seem like the right time, and I guess I kind of like carrying something around that I know belongs to him, even if it does make my bag heavier.
“You know, Red and I aren’t friends anymore,” he says.
“Are you kidding?”
He shakes his head. “Nope. He got mad after we went downtown. I guess because I was talking to you, which is dumb, since the whole time we were hanging out, he was talking to Sanam, so it’s kind of a double standard, you know?”
“Yeah,” I say. “That’s really not okay.”
“There’s all that stuff with his dad. And I get that he feels like being a jerk to someone, because he’s mad. But it’s not going to be me.”
I nod, because I think Dylan is right, and it seems like that might be part of the reason Red got so mad and pushed me away, too. I’m starting to think it wasn’t all my fault. It makes me sad for him and worried that he doesn’t have a best friend to talk to about everything with his family.
“He’s the one who told everyone that I, um, like you.” Dylan’s voice is so soft I almost miss it.
I can feel my face turn red. “I like you, too,” I say before I can think about it and stop myself.
“But you didn’t text me,” he says.
“You didn’t, either.”
“True.” He grins.
I smile back at him, and I can’t stop smiling for the rest of the day.
* * *
“Disculpe,” I say to Señora Campo when I get to Spanish class. She’s standing at the board writing down our next assignment.
“¿Cómo puedo ayudarte?” She asks how she can help me.
Only I have no idea how to say what I need in Spanish. And even though I can always ask her how to say it in English—“Cómo se dice ‘I need to go to the learning center during the quiz and also I need extra time’?”—I already feel weird asking and like maybe I’ll be fine taking the quiz in class with everyone else. Only I know that’s not true. Not yet. Maybe one day. And if I’m going to bother asking, I know Señora Campo would rather I try saying it in Spanish, even if I get all the words wrong. “¿Está bien si necesito voy a la learning center para el cuestionario y necesito extra tiempo?”
“Tiempo extra,” Señora Campo corrects my phrasing of “extra time,” and then she says, “¡Sí, por supuesto!” which means “Yes, of course!”
“Wait—” I say. “Sorry. I know it’s better to speak in Spanish, but I, um, want to make sure I said everything right, because it’s important.”
“You were very clear,” Señora Campo says. “It probably makes sense for you to head over to the learning center now and get started. I’m giving everyone twenty-five minutes to finish the quiz, but you can have until the end of the period.” I keep waiting for Señora Campo to ask why I need to take my quiz in the other room, but she doesn’t. Even though I know Ms. Curtis told all my teachers about the new accommodations, I guess I didn’t realize until now that they’re not a big deal to anyone, other than me.
“Thank you,” I say. “I mean, gracias.”
“De nada.”
When I get to the learning center, there’s another student in the corner of the room—a sixth grader who I recognize from when we played human chess. She glances up at me and then looks back at her paper. I pick a seat on the opposite side of the room and get right to work on the fill-in-the-blanks and short-answer questions. It’s so much easier for me to stay focused in the quiet room. I get through the first two pages fast. The third page is harder, because it’s a creative essay in Spanish, and it takes me kind of a while to think of an idea that I like. But I still manage to finish the entire test in twenty-five minutes!
I take my extra time to double-check all my answers, and I’m glad I do, because I find a few careless mistakes I shouldn’t have made.
By the time I’m officially done, there are still fifteen minutes left in the period. I walk back down the hall to class, put my quiz in the pile on Señora Campo’s desk, and sit down in one of the empty chairs. I don’t notice if anyone starts whispering about me when I walk back into the room, but I don’t care if they do, because for the first time all year, I got exactly what I needed and I know for sure I did my best.
* * *
I feel really great about my English paper when I hand it in, but I start to get nauseous during last period because I’m so nervous, and by the time I get to Mr. Lee’s room to find out my grade, there’s a strong possibility that I’m going to puke.
Mr. Lee smiles when I walk in, which means nothing. I’m pretty sure he grinned at me the day he gave me the F and took chess away.
I sit at one of the chairs in the front row.
“Give me a minute, Clea.” He looks around his cluttered desk. “I have your paper here somewhere.”
Breathe. I’m trying to think of a polite way to ask him to just tell me how I did already when he says, “Ah-ha. Got it.” I hold my breath. Mr. Lee sits down and then puts my paper on the desk in front of me.
There’s an A at the top of the page!
I pick up my essay and hold it closer to make sure it’s real. It is! I take a deep breath and let out everything I’ve been holding inside. “Thank you! Thank you!” I say.
“Thank yourself. You’re the one who made it happen. Keep up the great work,” he says.
“I will,” I say. “I promise.”
“I’ll see you at practice tomorrow.”
I sprint over to the car, and as soon as I see Mom and Henley, I shout, “I did it! I got an A!”
“Duh! I already knew,” Henley says.
“That’s amazing, Clea. Well deserved.” Mom reaches over and wraps her arms around me. “Wait, that means you’re back on the team!” She says it like she’s just putting it together now. “We need to celebrate!”
“Ice cream sundae party!” Henley shrieks. “With hot fudge and gummies!”
Mom looks at me.
“That’s perfect,” I say, and I mean it.
When we get home, I go straight up to my room and text Sanam, I’m back on the team!!!
YES! I was going to ask, but then I was like … don’t do that.
Always ask.
Okay, cool. I will, she promises.
Wait—I can’t believe I almost forgot. I have major news, I type. I heard from “someone” aka a reliable source (you can probably guess who) that Red definitely likes you! It’s official.
OMG. OMG. OMG.
Best day ever, I write back.
Seriously!!!
I take out my planner and look at the very short list of things I have to do tonight. Even though I hated missing chess, Mom was right about having a break to catch up. It feels good to be ahead in school for once.
I’m about to start my homework for Wednesday when my phone buzzes again. I pick it up, because I think Sanam is writing something else about the Red situation, except it’s Dylan. OMG! We’re texting! This is really happening. It feels like a really big deal, since we were just talking about how texting equals liking each other. Also, his name looks so good in my phone and like it totally belongs there.
Di
d you read any more of the book?
Yes! I finished it, I write back, because I ended up carrying Dylan’s chess book around in my bag all day and never gave it back to him. Watch out. I’m ready to win big.
Wait. Does that mean you’ll be at practice tomorrow?
You know it, I text.
That’s awesome!
I’m pumped. BTW thanks for letting me borrow the book.
No prob, he says. I feel bad for whoever gets paired up against you.
. Same.
“Clea! Henley!” Dad shouts. “Time for dinner!”
GTG. Dinner, Dylan texts.
Me too, I reply. TTYL.
When I get downstairs, not only has Mom set up the coolest ice cream sundae bar ever with caramel sauce and cookie crumbles, my two all-time favorite toppings, but Dad surprises us with homemade pizza! I can tell Mom and Dad want tonight to be special for me. And it feels like everything is finally falling into place.
I’M SO EXCITED for chess. It doesn’t even bother me that the minute I walk into the room, Quinn starts whispering and pointing in my direction. I get that she’s trying to make me feel like I shouldn’t be here because I don’t belong, but for once, I don’t care what she thinks or says about me. I want to win, and I know I can.
Red is sitting alone near the door. He looks at me and I think maybe he’s going to say something, but then he turns away. I walk across the room and over to Dylan. I get that sitting next to him is basically the equivalent of wearing a sign that says I want to be boyfriend-girlfriend, but I do. And even though I know he likes me, too, I’m still nervous. “Welcome back,” he says when he sees me.
“Thanks!” I reach into my bag, take out his chess book, and hand it to him.
He flips through the pages. “I feel like I’m going to regret giving this to you.”
“Only if you have to play against me.”
“I was already scared of that.”
“For good reason,” I say.
He smiles.
Sanam walks in and sits next to me, and as soon as she does, Mr. Lee claps to get everyone’s attention. “Chess camp is two weeks away, and as you know, Katerina Nino will be joining us for the first day. She’ll meet one-on-one with advanced players in the morning, and then host a training session for the rest of the team before she has to take off. To be clear, at this point I have not decided who will be selected, so work hard over the next two weeks and you might very well get picked.” Sanam grabs my hand and squeezes. I squeeze back. “I’ve known Katerina for a long time, and she loves meeting young people who are excited about chess.”
Even though all I want to do is jump up and down and scream, because I can’t believe there’s a chance I could be in the top twelve, I don’t let myself do that. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. Right now, I need to focus so I can win.
And that’s exactly what I do.
* * *
The rest of the week goes by quickly. I win my game on Wednesday! The only problem is that I keep getting distracted and looking away from the board. It makes me realize something important: I can’t concentrate if I’m in the middle of a table. No chance. Even if my hyper focus and medicine are both in full effect, other people’s breathing and sighing still really bother me. I have to be at the end of the table to play my best.
The next time Mr. Lee picks me to compete in a tournament, I’m going to tell him what I need to win. It seems like the kind of accommodation I should be allowed to have because of my ADHD, like how I can go to the learning center during tests and quizzes. I guess I’m just a person who needs things to be quiet if I’m trying to pay attention. I’m really glad I figured out what helps, because even though it doesn’t seem like a big deal, I know it can make a huge difference.
Another good thing that happened this week was that I had an appointment with Dr. Gold. I told her she was right about medication. It makes my ADHD feel a lot smaller. She was happy to hear that everything has been better for me, even if things got a little worse at first. Also, I got a B on my math quiz and an A- on my lab report (high-five, Sanam—best partners ever)! By the tournament, it really feels like I’m turning things around.
Our team is playing at a middle school a few towns over. On the ride, Henley comes up with a cheer and makes Mom and Dad sing it to me: “Clea is the chess queen. That’s what makes her opponents turn green. She’s always on the winning team! Check. Checkmate. Win!” It doesn’t matter that I’m probably not playing today, I’m still excited my family is coming to cheer for us, and I’m proud of how well I did in practice this week. I gave every game my all. It felt good to play like that again and I know if I keep working hard, I’ll get a chance to compete in another tournament.
By the time I find our team room, everyone is already in a huddle around Mr. Lee. Sanam is standing on the outside of the group as close to the door as possible, like she wanted to make sure I’d be able to find her immediately.
“I want you to get out there today and give every game your all,” Mr. Lee says. He looks at his notebook. My heart speeds up. I need to stop freaking out for no reason. There’s a zero percent chance I’m getting picked. “Let’s go with Sanam, Ajay, Red, and Ella,” he says. Sanam and I exchange smiles. Even though I know the order doesn’t matter, I still think it’s cool that her name got called first. “Isaac, Lily, Pari.” Mr. Lee pauses. There are five spots left. I’d bet on Dylan, Mateo, Quinn, Hunter, and Layla. “Mateo, Hunter, and Layla,” Mr. Lee says. Check. Check. Check. “And finally—Clea and Dylan.”
I don’t realize he’s called my name until Sanam puts her hand up to high-five me. “So if you crush it today, which you definitely will—”
“I’ll be in the top twelve for camp!” I finish her sentence. I know it’s true as soon as the words are out of my mouth. It’s weird how something can feel so close and so far away at the exact same time. I take a deep breath. I know what I need to do to win. “BRB. I have to talk to Mr. Lee about where I’m sitting before I’m stuck between a heavy breather and someone who is sniffling every four seconds.”
“Good call,” she says. “Fingers crossed.”
I cross my fingers on both hands and walk over to Mr. Lee. I really hope I can convince him that this is important.
I clear my throat and stand up as tall as I can. “I didn’t think I was going to play today, otherwise I would have talked to you about this earlier. But it’s hard for me to focus with my ADHD and it would really help if I wasn’t in the center of the room or in the middle of a table.”
Mr. Lee looks at his watch. “Let me see if there’s anything I can do. I’ll be right back.”
I stare at the door and remind myself to breathe for what feels like forever, until Mr. Lee finally reappears. Please. Please. Please. I really need this to win.
“You’re all set. You’ll be at the end of the table in the far corner of the room away from the door for all three rounds,” Mr. Lee says. “And I’ll make sure you have the appropriate accommodations moving forward, so you won’t have to ask me next time.”
“Thank you!” I say.
“No, thank you,” he says. “It was very responsible of you to say something. I can see that you’re not only dedicated to chess and the team, but to your own needs.”
“Is that a good thing?” I ask, because I can’t really tell.
“Not good—excellent,” he says. “I picked you to represent our team because I think you can win today. But great chess players have to believe in themselves. And now I know you do. You wouldn’t have stood up for yourself and asked for the things you need to play your best if you didn’t think you could win.”
I nod, sure Mr. Lee is right about that. “I know I can,” I say, because it’s true, and right now I feel like I can do anything.
“That’s great to hear,” Mr. Lee says.
I turn around and run over to Sanam. “Two thumbs up,” I say.
“Yes!” She puts up her hand, and we high-five.
I’m ready
.
* * *
I don’t get distracted once during the first round, thanks to my awesome seat in the quiet corner of the room. The only problem is that we draw, which isn’t that great for me. But the good news is that drawing is a billion times better than losing, and since I lost all three rounds at my last tourney, I’m already improving!
In the second game, my opponent is at the same level as me. It makes me realize I’m actually really good! In the end, I can’t find a way to beat him and the round ends in another draw. Boo.
When I sit down for the third round, I’m nervous. I want to win more than anything and this is my last chance. Jane and I go back and forth. Move. Let go. Tap. Write.
I slide my queen over, putting her king in check. It looks like I’m so focused on winning that I don’t realize the black queen is about to skewer me. But I do. It’s a decoy. I’m a magician. Look over here, while I do something distracting with my not-so-little pawns, before you realize what’s about to happen to you. Mwah-ha-ha.
Jane does exactly what I want her to—she captures my white queen with hers.
I move my pawn up and place it on the far end of the board, so I can promote it! Poof. I turn my pawn into a queen. In an instant, the black king is back in check. Now Jane doesn’t have a choice or another move, other than to get her king out of danger, which means her queen is about to be captured by my newly promoted queen. She slides her king to the side, and as soon as she taps the clock, I skewer her queen with mine. Bye-bye. Decoy executed perfectly, if I do say so myself.
I stay focused, backing her king between my king and queen, until, “Checkmate.” I won for the first time ever in a tournament!!! And it’s even better than I imagined. It feels like a sugar rush and getting an A and the first day of summer vacation all put together. Only better, because I feel like I’m floating out of the room and down the hall. I can’t stop smiling, because I did it. I’m the winner. It’s my victory. And no matter what, no one can take it away from me.
I see Sanam standing at the other end of the long hall between the cafeteria and the music room, looking right at me with nervous, hopeful eyes, like she’s been holding her breath, waiting for me to appear with good news. As soon as our eyes meet, we run over to each other. “I won!” I shout.
Focused Page 17
