by Lindsay Becs
Everything, including my body, is so different now from when I first got here. Everything feels different. Everything feels dark and cold and foreign.
Except for Endy. He still fills me with warmth and comfort. I think I’m in love with him. I think he feels the same about me.
Although, it feels like he’s pulling away from me.
Zeus has been using me in the pink room almost every day now. I hope that’s not why Endy is pulling away. Maybe it is though. Maybe he finally sees me as the filth that Zeus calls me the second he pushes me out of the room, used and abused and filled with his demons.
Today was a bad day. I don’t fight Zeus much anymore—I learned that hard lesson a long time ago—but today something snapped and I tried to fight him. Now, I’m stuck here in this stupid dark and cold cellar with a swelling eye, bloody lip, bruised ribs, and I’m not sure if I’ll be able to walk tomorrow with the throbbing between my legs. I almost cried, but I held back.
It’s my greatest victory not to let him see me cry. I save my tears for when I’m alone. I don’t even like Endy to see my tears.
I hear him unlocking the door then. I feel a smile painfully start to pull on my lips. He always knows the nights I need him most.
“Hey,” he says when his silhouette from the moon fills the doorway. “I brought you some ice and supplies to clean you up. Can you walk on your own?” he asks softly, still not moving into the small space I call home.
“I think I can move,” I mumble from swollen lips, attempting to stand on my own but stumbling and falling onto my dirt floor.
“Shit!” Endy says, moving to help me. I suck in a breath between my teeth as his arm comes around my—what I think are broken—ribs. “I’m sorry,” he grits, knowing that as he helps, it hurts me.
“You didn’t do this, Endy,” I sigh, feeling deflated when we reach the damp grass outside the cellar. He helps me sit between his legs with my back against his chest for support.
“Will you let me help you clean up? I don’t want you to get an infection.”
“Will you just hold me for a minute first?” I ask, leaning into him, letting the smell of cinnamon fill my lungs with comfort. He doesn’t say anything, just sits there with his arms draped on top of his knees that are caging me in.
His body is solid with muscle these days. Not bulky like a bodybuilder, but still fit and muscular. He’s gotten tall, and his voice is deep and raspy. I feel so protected and cared for in his arms. He doesn’t hold me very often. It’s usually us sitting side by side while I wrap my arm around his, leaning into him. He’ll lay his head on top of mine if I lay mine on his shoulder sometimes, but that’s the closest we’ve ever gotten. I love these nights though, even if I did have to get the shit beat out of me to be in his arms like this.
“I’m going to get you out of here. I promise, Moon. This will all be over soon,” he quietly rasps with his chin resting on my shoulder.
As much as I want to believe that, I can’t let myself live in blind hope. I did that for too long when I first got here. But it’s been over eight years, and no one has ever come looking for me.
“Nights like this make it seem not so bad,” I say, nuzzling into him more.
“How can you say that? You sitting outside a cell, covered in blood with bruises covering your face and body. I can only imagine the things I can’t see.” I can feel his body tense as he speaks.
“But you take care of me, Endy.”
“I don’t take care of shit except for helping to bring new kids for him to torture and burying the bodies when he’s done with them.”
“Endy.” I say his name as a shocked whisper.
I’ve never heard him talk about the things Zeus makes him do. He leaves those details out of our conversations. I know he might not be used in the same ways the rest of us are, but I know he lives his own daily nightmare.
Long gone are the simple days of us singing and playing together in the pink room where he’d brush my hair, paint my nails and I’d dance for him. Those were the days when things didn’t seem so bad. Now it’s a never-ending nightmare of monsters crawling over and inside me. Sometimes I wonder if it’d be better if Endy would have just done it that first day. But once Zeus took his place he never let Endy in the pink room with me again.
It was probably for the best. Endy and I are better living in our own separate world out here. Under the moon and stars, we live in our fantasy of forever in the sky above.
He moves then, cleaning up my cuts and gashes, gentle and attentive to every sensitive area that glows red, purple, and blue with blood and bruising. When he finishes, he tucks a piece of hair behind my ear and gives me a kiss on the nose.
“You’re so beautiful, Moon.”
“I probably look more like a monster than beautiful,” I huff a laugh.
“You’re the furthest thing from a monster.” He cups my cheek and rubs his thumb over my bottom lip, his eyes focused on my mouth. “I need to go.”
“OK,” I whisper, not wanting this moment to end.
He rests his forehead on mine. “I’ll get you out of here. I promise.” And then he carries me back down into the dark. “Goodnight, Moon.”
I wake up smiling. It’s the first time I remember that ever happening. I almost always wake in a panic, sweating and panting in fear. But not this time. This time I wake up smiling, looking into eyes that are blue like the sky.
“Hi,” I quietly say.
“Hi.” He smirks at me.
“I need to get home. I have to work. Tara is already going to kill me for being late.” I start to move from the warm bed, where I’d much rather stay, but his hand grabs mine, pulling me back against him. He kisses me softly on the lips, making me melt into him more.
“Now, you can go,” he whispers, pulling away, leaving me wanting more.
I don’t say anything else as I pull on my jeans. I give him a small smile before closing the door behind me and make my way back to my apartment. I can’t help the grin that won’t leave my face while I quickly change for work and run down to Pot Meet Kettle.
Tara greets me with a knowing smile when I burst in, pulling my hair back into a ponytail and getting to work.
It’s not until a few hours later that reality comes crashing down, threatening to destroy my new-found happiness.
13
Endy
I have no idea what I’m doing. I do know that I like waking up with Moon in my arms. I should have done it a long time ago, but now that I know what it’s like, you bet your ass I’m going to try like hell to do it damn near every day. I just don’t know if my days off between hauls is going to be enough.
After she scurried from my room, I took my time showering and getting ready for the day. I don’t want to invade all her space. We still have so much to talk about and sort through. I don’t want to leave her here with more time and distance between us. I want her to leave with me. I want to keep her with me from this day forward. But I can’t expect her to feel the same. At least not yet.
My stomach starts to growl, protesting the weak motel room coffee I’ve had so far today. Seeing as it’s just past noon, I pull on my boots and make my way to the diner to see her. The second that bell rings above my head, our eyes collide, meeting like old friends once again. She gives me a smile, but I can tell something is wrong. Worry crosses my face for a second before I school it away and take my seat at the booth in the corner that now has a reserved sign on it. I smile to myself knowing that she put it there for me. Maybe I’m seeing things that aren’t there.
A few minutes later, she meets me at the table with a tray of food. She sets down a club sandwich, fries, chocolate peanut butter pie—with two forks—and a water.
“Hi,” I say, using her line from this morning.
“Hi,” she responds back with a shy smile, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear.
“Can you sit with me?”
“Give me a little longer and then I can take a break. Alright?”
/> “Sure. I’ll keep the pie till you can share with me.”
She gives me a nod and turns back to help her other tables. I watch her a while, munching on my fries. I still feel like something is off. I’m just not sure if it’s because everything from the last couple days is catching up or if something else happened. I mean, how could it? She left my bed only a few hours ago. But maybe… I don’t know. I’m freaking myself out. Shaking my head, I try to push all my fears and doubts aside while I finish eating the lunch she brought for me.
An hour later and she’s just now acknowledging me again. Something is definitely wrong. I watch as she sits across from me but won’t meet my eyes.
“What’s wrong? I hurt you, didn’t I?” My knuckles are turning white from holding my hands in fists at my sides.
“What? No! You didn’t hurt me. You could never hurt me. How many times do I have to tell you that?” I hear her, but she still looks so sad, lost even.
“Then what?” I ask, pleading to know what’s wrong with her. I hate seeing her anything but happy. I had to see her that way for far too long.
“My mom called. She wants me to come for a visit this weekend or she’s coming here.” She sounds so distant, wringing her fingers with nerves.
“That’s a good thing though, right? Seeing your family?” I ask hesitantly. I want so badly to understand her. I want to know everything about her now.
“You’d think,” she mumbles.
“Moon, talk to me. What’s going on?”
“My mother, she uh, she had a hard time when I came back. My whole family did really.”
“Hard time?” My brows pinch in confusion. She was taken when she was a little girl, and they had no knowledge of where she was for nine years, but they had a hard time when she came back? “What does that mean? They had a hard time?”
She blows out a breath before answering me, still not looking at me. “You know I couldn’t remember anything.” I nod my head, not even sure if she sees it. “Well, I tried to, uh, I kinda tried to, um, hurt myself right after.”
“Oh fuck.” It falls from my mouth before I have time to reel it back in, my jaw hanging open like an idiot. I snap it shut when I realize I’m gaping at her. “I’m so sorry, Moon. Fuck, I should have stayed with you.”
“No. You needed to keep yourself safe. If you would have stayed with me, my family would have eaten you alive,” she says, looking at me with sincerity. I reach my hand across the table to take hers. Our fingers lace as we sit there staring in silence for a while before she continues. “They sedated me a while to keep me from harming myself.”
“The fuck?” I balk, not understanding how they could do that to her after everything she’d already been through.
Her eyes close, and I see a tear fall from the corner of her eye. “When I came out of it, I wouldn’t talk. To anyone.”
“My God, Moon, I wish…” I trail off because what am I going to say? I couldn’t have done anything to help her even if I’d been there.
“It was a lot for them to deal with. Me, really. They’d made a life apart from me.” She pauses, but I see the hurt mar her face. “My coming back shattered everything they’d done to try to move on from my disappearance. Don’t get me wrong; they were happy to see me, but no one knew how to deal with my return. My little brother, Barron, didn’t remember me at all. He was so little when I was taken. It was awkward for both of us, still is. My older sister, Kaylin, was distant. I think she didn’t know how to take all the attention turning to me when she was about to graduate from high school and all eyes were supposed to be on her. My dad… he tries the most to be normal, but it just feels… forced. Plus, he works constantly. I think to hide from all the crazy that is his family. Which brings me to my mother.” She closes her eyes and pauses again. When she opens them, I see all the sadness and hurt I saw earlier.
“I robbed my mother of the perfect family image. All the years she tried to move on and be the neighborhood socialite she wanted to be were torn in two when I came home. I was the damaged daughter that tried to kill herself, refused to speak, and lashed out anytime anyone tried to touch her.” She shrugs her shoulder like it’s totally normal. “I didn’t fit in her box anymore.”
“That’s such fucking bullshit!” I yell and pull back from her. My anger is about to ping through the roof. How could her family think this beautiful girl was anything but perfection?
“Endy…”
“No! They don’t deserve you then. Fuck them!”
“It’s not that simple.” She tries to calm me by putting her hand on the table, reaching for me again. I soften a little, taking her hand. “They do—did—a lot for me. They still do. It’s not all bad. My mom is just a lot. The rest of my family is… whatever, but she just doesn’t understand.”
“No one will.”
“Except us,” she adds.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.” She smiles that beautiful smile, letting it reach her stormy eyes, making them shine.
“So, what are you going to do?”
“Both options sound terrible,” she grumbles, making me laugh.
“I can go with you,” I say slowly, not sure how she’ll react to my offer.
“Endy, I don’t know…”
“Think on it,” I say, kissing her hand. “I’m not going anywhere. Unless you ask me to.”
“How did I survive all these years without you?”
“You didn’t remember me, that’s how,” I tell her, lightening the mood and making her laugh.
That sound… fuck. I want to hear her laugh for the rest of my life.
“I have therapy after work today. But can you come over after?”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.” She smiles.
I leave her to finish the rest of her day of work and therapy. Not going to lie, it makes me nervous to know what she’ll tell her therapist about me. Moon seems to trust her, and if she does, then I guess I can, too.
“She wasn’t upset about who I am?” I ask Moon at her apartment later while we sit together in her only chair drinking tea. I’m learning it’s something she does when she is trying to wind down from the day.
“Not at all. I was a little nervous to tell Dr. Greer, but when I told her all the things I’ve remembered, she was happy for me. I think at first she was a little concerned—and maybe still is—but she was on board with us talking.”
“Talking,” I repeat. “Is that all we’re doing, Moon?”
“Endy, I don’t know what we’re doing. I don’t know what I’m doing most of the time. But I like whatever this is.”
Taking a chance, I go for it. “I want to do more than talk. I want to be more than a friend to you. Do you understand that?”
“Yes,” she says quietly into her cup.
“Is that what you, uh, would want?”
She bites that fucking lip and I want to devour it, but I hold back. “I think so.”
I can’t resist her any longer when she looks at me with hope. I lean down and kiss her. I searched for this girl—woman—half my life. And I spent the years before that falling in love with her. She has always been my hope. I was just never sure if I was hers.
“Will you come with me?” she asks, breaking from our kiss. I’m confused at first, but then realize she’s talking about her family.
I slowly nod. “If that’s what you want.”
“It is.”
“I love you, Moon. As in, I’m madly in love with you. You know that, right?”
“I do.” She smiles before leaning forward and kissing me again.
Before long, our kiss has deepened, and I’m so hard for her. Her hips move in a sweet rhythm over me, making it hard to hold back. “Can I take you to the bedroom?” I ask around kisses on her neck.
“Yes,” she pants.
I scoop her up and carry her to the bedroom, sitting her on the bed. She’s so damn beautiful. I pull my shirt over my head, tossing it to the side. I watch her eyes burn a trail down my b
ody to where my dick is visibly straining against my jeans. I can’t help but smirk. I unbuckle my belt and undo my jeans to relieve my cock.
She follows my movements by removing her shirt over her head, and I follow hers by trailing my eyes down her body. I let my pants pool at my feet, kicking out of them. I’m so hard for her, I’m not only tenting my boxers, but I’m barely concealed as the wet head of my cock pushes past the band of them. When she licks her fucking lips while staring at me, I almost come on the spot.
I lean into her, my knee between her legs, and kiss her. My tongue pushes in, tasting and devouring every part of her mouth while I pull her own jeans off. She’s left in a grey cotton bra and panty set. It’s damn near the sexiest thing. I kiss my way up her writhing body, swallowing her moan when I reach her mouth again.
Leaning back, I look down at her, savoring every inch. I hook a finger in her bra strap and pull it down, but I’m stopped when she arches her back into me and unhooks it. I pull the piece of cotton slowly down her arms, revealing her perfect breasts with pretty pink hardened nipples. I palm them, needing to feel their weight in my hands before I latch my mouth around one. At the same time, our hips move in sync where we’re lined up perfectly beneath cotton.
My mouth moves down her body again, worshipping her. My hands continue to roll her nipples, and she rewards me with the sexiest noises. I kiss her warm, wet center through her cotton then, causing her to buck into my face. I smile, knowing that she’s enjoying herself. My hands slide down her sides until I reach the band of her wet panties and pull them down her legs. I glide my hands back up and spread her knees apart. She’s panting, but not pushing me away when I kiss down the inside of her thigh. She’s so wet, glistening all pretty and pink for me. I can’t hold back any longer.
