by Natalie Dean
He shrugged again, his muscled shoulders rolling under his shirt. “You’re here. God’s already answered all of them.”
Oh.
Oh wow.
Chastity stared at him, eyes wide, before reacting with a snicker. “Did you work on that line all day or—”
“What would you like on your plate?” he interrupted, grabbing one of the plates he had brought from the backpack.
But Chastity wasn’t willing to let him off that easily. “You always were a bit of a hopeless romantic, weren’t you?”
“I know many people who would disagree emphatically with you on that.”
“Uh-huh, and how many of those people were after your money and you sniffed them out first?”
“Fair.”
“I’ll take a little of everything, by the way, and a huge helping of your mom’s potatoes.”
“How do you know I didn’t make these?”
“Because you’re not insane and only a madman would miss out on a chance to eat Ma Miller’s mashed ’taters.”
“You may have a point there. But I’ll have you know that Benji is learning how to make them, so we all won’t be screwed once she’s gone.”
“Oh? Maybe I should be on a date with him then,” she joked.
Ben stopped scooping for a moment, seeming to consider her words. “I don’t think I would like that.”
“Would you be jealous?”
“…yes. I believe so.”
That was certainly something. The Miller brothers were known as an unshakable crew that shared everything and rarely ever fought. Sure, they got irritated with each other and had little squabbles, but—all in all—they were a loving unit. For Ben to admit that he might harbor negative feelings toward his brother over her… well, it was something.
“Well, don’t worry. I don’t think I’ll be dating anyone anytime soon.”
“You’re on a date now.”
“You know what I mean.” She took the plate as he handed it to her, along with the glass of champagne, and the water bottle too.
“What if I don’t?”
She rolled her eyes, but the pleasant feeling didn’t stop. There was something about the way Ben looked at her that made her feel so cherished. Like she was one of a kind that he would never see again. While Chastity didn’t normally like to think of herself as vain or a romantic, she couldn’t deny the way he made her feel.
It had been ten years, but as she stared into his eyes, she wondered if she had ever fallen out of love with the eldest Miller son. From the muscles and veins in his forearms, to the thick column of his neck, to his tanned face with all of the classically strong Miller traits. He was handsome. He was kind. And he treated her better than anyone else did.
Why did it have to end?
Because he had his life here, and she couldn’t have hers. There was so much more out there, and she wanted to try it all. She couldn’t be a doting housewife with no skills other than popping out babies. Not that there was anything wrong with that, but it was always what her parents told her she was meant for, so she resented the idea entirely.
But that wasn’t Ben’s fault. Maybe they could work something out… No! No, she wasn’t going down that path. That would lead to heartbreak and all sorts of emotions she didn’t want. After all, she was going to go back to the city and live her life, but with much more energy and hope than she had before. She couldn’t break his heart again by letting him think they would amount to anything, and then just disappear with the wind.
That would be too cruel.
“You all right? You have that look on your face.”
“What look?”
“The one you get when you’re overthinking something.”
“I didn’t know that was a look.”
His nose crinkled as his smile grew broader, and her heart skipped a beat. Wow, how did he look so happy? A bright, shining star in a world filled with a whole lot of uncertainty and darkness. “It’s definitely a look. I can see it in your eyes.”
Well, she might as well tell him. “Well, I was thinking of how nice this was, and I’m going to miss it when I go back to the city. Because I am going to go back.”
He nodded, and she could see the muscles of his face tensing and relaxing, as if he was physically working out his words. “Why do you have to go back?”
“Because I have a life there. A destiny.”
“A destiny?”
She nodded. “You remember. Ever since I was little, people thought I would either end up as a casino worker or an unwed mother. People out here like to think that they’re progressive, but some of them still call us ‘Injuns’ or ‘Redskins.’” Chastity rolled her eyes, then continued.
“And as for the ones that weren’t racist, they saw us together and assumed I was all about becoming a gold-digging mother to the next generation of Miller spawn.”
“Spawn. That’s not a great name for kids.”
“But it’s accurate.”
Ben sighed, and Chastity was sure that he was going to try to convince her how wrong she was. “I understand.”
“You do?” she asked.
“Of course, I do.” His green eyes stared at her, seeming to take in every feature of her face and soul. “Chastity, you’re the most determined woman I’ve ever met. If someone tells you no, you take that as a challenge to try harder. I should have known better than to think you could ever settle for a future with just me.”
Ow.
Without thinking, she found herself reaching out to him, her hands settling over his. “Please don’t think about it that way. A life with you isn’t some consolation prize. You’re a wonderful, loving man. Building a life with you would be more than most people could ask for.”
“But not more than you could ask for?”
She shook her head slowly, feeling her heart sink within her as she spoke the truth. It quelled the romantic, fairy-tale feelings within her, but it needed to be said. “No, it’s not enough.”
Silence stretched out between them for several moments, the only point of contact between them being the sun that was contained between their hands. Chastity wished she could comfort him in this moment, and yet she was the one causing his pain.
“I think I’ve found a new prayer,” he said eventually, his voice just a low rumble that sent chills up her spine.
“Have you?”
He nodded. “I think I’ll pray that maybe, someday, it will be enough.”
She didn’t know if that was something that she should encourage, or if she should shut all of this down right now, but her heart ached for him.
How was he single after all these years? He was such a handsome, considerate, lovely man. There had to be dozens of women in town pining after him, wishing they could somehow catch his eye. And yet he seemed to be stuck on her, a lost woman with wanderlust carved into her very bones and a rampant desire for more.
Always more.
She wasn’t thinking clearly. Fueled by emotion and the drive to make him stop looking so gosh-darned hurt, she found herself up on her knees, her plate flipped to its side. She drew in a sharp breath, and then her lips were on his, pressing into his soft skin.
Could he feel it? How much she wanted their fairy tale to be true? How she wished she could settle in his arms and forget her drive and ambitions?
He seemed to, because his arms wrapped around her middle and crushed her to him. And for a moment, there was nothing else. Just them, and their lips moving against each other, clinging to the humanity that connected them so intensely.
Kissing him was better than anything else she could ever imagine. It made her blood rush and her skin flush and her head spin in the best way possible. She loved the feeling, everything about it.
Suddenly, he was pulling her even farther, leaning back until he was on the ground, then rolling so that she was under him. His hands moved from behind her, instead caressing her sides and legs. He took care to stay away from any zone that was too dangerous, but it was c
lear that he wanted to feel all of her.
And she wanted to be felt. After so many years of protecting herself in the city, of maintaining a proper distance and never trusting, she wanted to be close to the one man who always seemed to understand her.
They continued to kiss, attraction, affection, and love drenching them in its honey-sweet wine. For several moments, she was lost, forgetting about the city and the grand destiny she had in her mind—and everything else.
Until her phone rang with a shrill tone.
That jolted her from the moment, and she pushed Ben off, reaching down into her pocket to yank her phone out. She clicked the answer button before it was even to her ear, her heart racing in an entirely different way.
“Hello?” she asked, although she knew that ringtone only belonged to her mother.
Except it wasn’t her mother. It was an entirely different woman altogether.
“Hello? Ms. Parker?”
“Yes, this is she.”
“Hello, this is your mother’s night nurse.” Ah, right. That made sense.
Chastity cut right down to the heart of the matter. “Is my mother all right?”
“Physically, yes, but she apparently had a dream that her husband was just off at the store, and when she woke up, she realized the truth. She’s very much beside herself now, and I think she would do well with you here.”
“Absolutely. I’ll be there as fast as I can.”
She looked up at Ben with guilt in her eyes, but he was already on his feet, looking quite worried. “Your mother?” he asked.
She nodded, the mood shattered as he pulled her upright. She would have plenty of time to scold herself later, but for now all she was worried about was her mom.
“Let’s get you home then.”
They gathered everything up and walked quickly to the car, saying nothing. And when they sped onto the roads, going far faster than they probably should, they were still quiet.
Ben got her to her house in record time, and she erupted from his car before he could even open the door. He shouted out to her to call him if she needed a single thing, and she nodded before disappearing through her door, grateful that he understood that tonight wasn’t something that he could aid with.
But as the door closed and she rushed upstairs to her mom, Chastity couldn’t help but wonder if they had crossed a line they shouldn’t have.
Oh well. That could wait until later. Right now, there were more pressing things at hand.
17
Chastity
The dream that interrupted Chastity’s date with Ben was a catalyst for Chastity’s mom, because suddenly her mental state began to tank. Instead of being mostly lucid with moments of confusion, she became generally dazed with only a few instances of clarity a day. It was exhausting, and after a few days of it, Chastity called the doctor.
She had some good news. Apparently, it wasn’t Alzheimer’s or brain cancer, which was really the only positive parts of the message. Unfortunately, it was dementia and they needed to do more tests to figure out what kind exactly—which meant more co-pays and more office visits, but their bank account was pretty much bled dry. Chastity only had one more month on her phone before they shut it off, and she still hadn’t found a job.
More than once she found herself thinking of how unfair it all was, but that was unproductive and a waste of energy, so she tried to turn off the negative thoughts.
That proved difficult, however, as troubles kept mounting and mounting. She felt like she was drowning and there wasn’t a life raft in sight.
“Chastity, dear. I’d like to go to church.”
Chastity looked up from the classifieds, where she was highlighting all of the odd jobs and hiring postings that sounded like they were something she could do. She was desperate, and yet she couldn’t bring herself to ask Ben for money. That seemed so wrong.
“Can we do that next week, Mom? I have a lot to do and catch up on.”
The rest of her things had arrived from the service she had used to deliver them from storage, and she was listing them online, hoping maybe they could net her some money to get them by. She didn’t have a ton, but she had collected enough stuff over the past decade to maybe get them by a month or two if she sold most of it.
“Oh, a week from now is a long way away. Could we try to go to the Wednesday night Bible study? I really do feel the need to be sharpened.”
“Sharpened?” Chastity repeated, looking back to the classifieds she had spread over the table.
“Yes. As it says in the Bible, real life can dull us up, and I feel awfully dull. We’re all supposed to sharpen ourselves in the Lord.”
“Huh. Sounds weird, but I believe you.”
“It’s not weird, Chastity. It’s the Lord’s word.”
“I’m sure it is. But I have to make sure that we have enough to keep up with the bills, so we’ll see where we are on Wednesday, okay?”
“Okay,” she said with a nod. “I’ll pray that it all falls into place.”
“In this case, I don’t think that anything will fall into place. It’s all about hard work and using the resources that he’s given us.”
“Ah, true, true. You know what they say about idle hands.”
She tottered off to make tea, and Chastity delved into her work. Even if everything went perfectly, she would be stuck paying the very minimum payment on all their bills, and they would have a meager thirty dollars left over for groceries.
And that wasn’t for the week. Chastity had done all right on less than that for a week before. No, it was thirty dollars for the month, and then they would have nothing for copays.
Ugh. She needed a job.
This small-town search wasn’t working for her. Like that boy from high school said, most of the places knew who she was and that she had left town for a decade without looking back. They thought this meant that she wasn’t trustworthy and that she would skip out again, or that a local deserved the spot more than her.
If she was going to make money, she needed to look online.
“Hey, Mom, are you going to be all right if I dip out for an hour and a half?”
“Of course, dear, I’m not a child. That will give me time to make some tea and sandwiches for a late lunch. I trust you’re not hungry yet and can wait until you’re back?”
“Yes, that sounds lovely. You know to call me if you need anything.”
“That I do. But I’ll be fine, really.”
Chastity ground her teeth nervously. Leaving her mother alone in her deteriorating state was a gamble. She seemed fine now, but what if she left the oven on? Or set something on top of the stove that she shouldn’t? Or forgot that she was cooking at all?
But they needed money, and she couldn’t rely on the charity of others to get them through, especially others who just so happened to be her ex from high school that she had just kissed in a torrid burst of passion a couple days previous.
She glanced to her phone as she packed up. Maybe she should text him? But what would she say? Her heart did its own special little throb when she remembered that moment, his weight pressed to her as their lips locked and their bodies spoke an entirely new language together.
It was like how it used to be between them, and yet there was something else to it. A sort of intensity they didn’t have as teenagers. If they had, she didn’t think that they ever would have gone to their classes and would have spent their days in sin.
These feelings were dangerous—and complicated. Perhaps it would be better if she didn’t ever message him again.
Yeah right, as if she would be able to resist doing that.
That was something she could worry about after she got their financial situation more in order. Finishing packing up her laptop, a water bottle, her phone, and her charger, she headed out the door.
Just like everything else in town, the library was within a ten-minute walk. She checked in with the librarian to see if there had been any progress on her application, and after a vague
, noncommittal answer that meant they really weren’t interested, she headed over to one of the sitting areas.
She didn’t have a moment to waste, so she searched for different ways to make money online. Of course, pornography came up first, but she skipped past those.
Hmm, surveys online? That seemed like something. It wouldn’t be enough to survive off of, but maybe it could help bolster their grocery bill for the month. But who knew, considering she would only have an hour every other day or so. If only her parents had Wi-Fi…
Maybe she could do some on her phone? That would certainly help. Might even help her go to sleep, considering most nights she was afraid she’d awaken to her mother crying again.
Chastity had been through some rough things, but nothing quite compared to watching her mother sob over her father, remembering that he was dead all over again. It had been a heartbreaking, soul-destroying sound, and Chastity could go her entire life without ever having to hear that again.
It was easy enough to get started, and she found herself quickly going through surveys, her high reading speed working to her advantage. They were only five cents, ten cents, occasionally twenty cents a pop, but at least it was something. She would continue looking tomorrow for more profitable work, but at least this was giving her a baseline.
All too soon, an hour had passed, and it was time to pack up and head right back home. She’d only earned five dollars, but at least it was a start. If she could get it on her phone, she could probably whack out another dollar or two throughout the day and before she went to sleep.
Hope bubbled up a little, even though seven dollars a day wasn’t nearly enough to cover their expenses. But as long as they had food, it couldn’t be too bad, could it?
Those thoughts plagued her, but she shucked them out of her mind before she walked through the front door at home. She didn’t want her mother to pick up on her mood and have an episode. In the weeks that she had been home, she had noticed her mother’s incidents did indeed increase toward the evening. Whether it was because she was tired and stressed from the day, or because something to do with the sun or darkness, Chastity didn’t know. All she knew was that a month had come and gone, and she was nowhere near being in a position where she could go back to the city.
