Aiden chooses that moment to look up and catch my eye. Mixed in with the confusion I think I catch the tiniest bit of respect. I craved that respect once, I would’ve done anything to get his approval.
Now I simply don’t give a fuck and Aiden doesn’t seem remotely happy about it.
Chapter 17
‘You make a new life by making new choices’
Sean Stephenson
‘How did that feel?’ Cal asks as he gets into the car. We agreed I’d come back to pick him up; that way I didn’t have to stay at the Château for a second longer than I wanted to, but he could stay and do his bit.
‘Good,’ I say. I don’t really want to tell him that I went off to park on a track in the middle of the forest and had a bloody good cry. He can probably tell by my pink eyes anyway. I don’t want him to think that I’m crying for Aiden. It was more about a general kind of loss, a letting go. I lost a friend, I lost a man I thought I loved, and I lost a part of myself as well. Today was about making my peace with all that.
‘I know it was tough, but I think you did great.’ Cal grins. ‘Aiden and Sally were in such a grump after you left.’
‘Well, that’s something.’ I smile. I really am trying to wish them well but mostly I’m just wishing them well away from me.
‘So, is everything set for your “write your own label” campaign?’ he asks.
‘It’s not really a campaign.’ I shrug. ‘Poppy’s running it really. I got a text from her to say she’s already posted. This way I can get ahead of anything they plan to say on social media. The show will be pleased because it will generate publicity for the episode when it’s aired.’
‘So are you planning to get involved on social media again?’ Cal asks, concern in his tone, like I’m an addict about to dive headlong into the bad stuff after a successful yearlong detox. I never really cared that much about it. I used to enjoy keeping up with friends on Facebook but really, I text the people I care about and I haven’t felt like I’m missing out.
‘No way. Don’t worry, I’m not getting sucked back in.’ I manage a laugh, the tension of the day seeping away from me now the Château is well behind us. ‘Poppy is acting as my social media buffer. She and my sister Annabel will tell me if there’s anything I need to know. I don’t think I could do it without her acting as a shield for me. I know that there are still Aiden fans out there who would love to eviscerate me with their fake fingernails for even daring to suggest he is anything less than perfect. And there will always be trolls who want to slag me off for things like my hairstyle or my supposed cellulite or my fashion sense … You name it, you know what it can be like.’ I pause for breath. ‘I’m afraid haters are going to hate whatever we do, and I don’t need that in my life any more. I’m making my statement and then I’m moving on. Hopefully I’ll be allowed to.’
‘I think you’re very brave,’ Cal says. ‘I’m proud of you.’
My cheeks heat up. I am ridiculously pleased to hear him say that.
‘You were right. I needed to do it,’ I say, appreciating the fields of sunflowers more now I’m relaxed. ‘Now I can stop hiding. I don’t want to be a part of the celebrity world any more. But I don’t mind being on the edge of it, you know … I don’t mind us being seen together.’
I flounder. God, this is so hard. I wish I could just say it, be upfront and say it, ask him if he wants me to be a part of his life and what exactly are his plans for the future, by the way? But I can’t do it. I can’t make myself form the words. Why am I so bad at this? I can’t help wondering if everyone else goes around having mature adult conversations about their feelings and if I’m the only one who is this inept.
I’m not thrilled at the thought of having to go to celebrity events with Cal. But if he wants me to I will. I managed today after all and at least this time when they write about me hopefully they’ll have something more positive to write. Cal is the one staying in the spotlight, not me. I’m just his plus one.
Plus he is worth it. Worth the effort. Worth the possible exposure.
He doesn’t say anything and the silence seems to stretch out between us.
Relationships can be such potential minefields. I have to be honest but be careful not to overshare. I can love but I’d better not express it verbally because it’s too soon, like I might jinx it or something. It’s a tricky path to tread between authentic, real communication and social convention based on common sense. I never used to find it this hard.
I grip the steering wheel. Seeing Aiden today has helped me move on, but it’s also unsettled me. I remember who I was when I was around him. I was always so worried about making him happy. Then I was worried about keeping him happy. There was always the anxiety about being attractive enough for him, because he got so many offers.
You name it, I worried about it. I’d almost forgotten about that aspect of our relationship.
I take a deep breath and try to lay the ghosts of the past to rest.
‘You look fantastic today, JoJo.’ Cal’s voice cuts through my thoughts.
‘Oh, thanks,’ I reply.
‘I think you look just as great with no make-up and naked in my bed though.’
I can hear the smile in his voice, and I smile too but keep my eyes on the road.
‘Sorry, I forgot to ask how it went, teaching the cast how to cook French cuisine.’ I do my best to get out of my head. Today wasn’t just about me. ‘Was it okay?’
‘It was about how you’d expect it to be really.’ I can hear the resignation in his tone.
‘But think about all the people watching,’ I say. ‘Some of them will appreciate your enthusiasm. I’m sure you’ll inspire people.’
‘Thanks, JoJo.’ Cal pats my leg. ‘You always know what to say.’
I almost laugh out loud. If only he knew. I haven’t got a frigging clue.
The next few days are a flurry of arrangements and to-do lists. Cal is as busy as I am making sure the barn is ready. There are also lots of beds that need making and airport runs, not to mention arranging the decoration of the barn and field, plus the walkway from the Château where the blessing is to take place.
Because Leo is from the village it is expected that the entire village should be invited for an aperitif, or drinks at the Château before the main reception, and this adds to all the work we already have to do.
Because Cal and I are both so busy we haven’t really had time to talk properly about what happened with Aiden and Sally and I never got an answer to all the questions that have been going round and round in my head. Cal thinks I’m brave but when it comes to talking to him about love I’m the biggest coward around.
I’m a little worried that maybe he misinterpreted my red eyes after the showdown and thinks I still have a thing for Aiden. I should have explained to him that I cried because I was finally letting go of the last of the hurt and the betrayal. It was more about emotional release than a current attachment.
It’s the evening before the wedding when we’re preparing the barn and stringing up the lights in the trees before Cal broaches the subject.
‘So, are you still glad that you went to see Aiden?’ he asks carefully as he takes a string of lights from me, not meeting my eyes. ‘It didn’t stir things up for you too much?’
He’s normally so direct but now I’m not quite sure what he’s after. Could it be that he’s feeling as insecure as I am? Surely not.
I’ve still got all the cupcakes to ice and decorate for Poppy’s cupcake tower wedding cake. She’s having two cakes: I’m responsible for the English-rose-themed one and Cal is handling the Croquembouche – thankfully, given an intricate tower of perfect profiteroles glazed with golden caramel is probably out of my skill set. The Croquembouche can’t be made too far ahead of time so there’s a lot of last-minute prep to do.
I have drafted in some extra help. Michelle, Sophie and Sarah are all coming over later and helping, lured with the promise of some of Cal’s fresh fruit cocktails.
‘Y
es, definitely. It reminded me that he means absolutely nothing to me and that what I thought was love wasn’t. Oh, also it reminded me what a total twat he is.’ I say and watch Cal. The corners of his lips twitch.
‘Seriously, it was good, I think I let go of a lot of things,’ I say. ‘I feel free, I suppose. No longer looking backwards but forwards. It’s also made me appreciate everything I have – good friends, true friends I can trust, a lovely home and a community that I could put roots down into, like your tree communities.’
‘Could or will?’ Cal asks.
I haven’t a clue what the right answer is. I still have no idea when he is planning to go back to the UK; he hasn’t said. This summer was only supposed to be a temporary arrangement. Also I still have no idea how he views our relationship. Maybe this is just a summer fling to him, something that he plans on ending when he goes back.
My chest is tight. I wish I could just come out with it, tell him just how much he means to me, that I love him now more than ever. That seeing Aiden just brought into focus how much I love Cal and that this time it’s the real deal. That I never knew it was possible to love someone this much. But the part of me that wants to stay safe, already having conniptions because I ignored it and went to the Château to confront Aiden, won’t let me open up fully in case he says that for him it is only about sex. Only casual. Nothing more.
I still don’t know how it could be possible for it to be one-sided when the chemistry is crackling like this, but I could be wrong. If that does happen, however kindly he expresses it, and I know he would be kind, I will be totally and utterly crushed.
Heartbroken, but properly this time.
‘Could, I suppose is the answer. I’m fairly sure that I want to stay here,’ I say eventually. ‘I’m happy here and I asked Poppy about investing in the guesthouse or The Barn like you suggested. I think she and Leo are thinking about it. They realise that no matter how many times they say it’s my home, if I actually part-own the business it will make it so much more secure for me. I know it will be better for me, working for something that is partly mine again.’
‘That’s great,’ Cal says, bending down to check one of the lanterns going into the trees.
And you, Cal? What’s happening with us? What do I mean to you? My head feels too full, like all the questions are crowding in, filling me up and causing a mental traffic jam, but I can’t let them go. I can’t let the words leave my lips. My chest and throat feel tight. This conversation feels a hundred times more difficult than facing up to Aiden and Sally did. I suppose it’s because this really matters, far more than that did.
Frustration nags at me. I have to say something, I have to end this mental turmoil one way or the other. Just rip the sticking plaster off in one go.
‘And you, Cal?’ I clear my throat, which is now incredibly dry. ‘Do you know how long you’ll be staying?’
My heart thumps wildly in my chest, so loud to me that I’m sure he must hear it too.
I pick up a string of fairy lights and try to look casual.
Yeah, right. I’m sure I’m fooling no one. The lights have become knotted, and I try to unravel them but end up dropping them on the ground.
‘That’s something I’ve been thinking about,’ Cal says. ‘There is a lot to consider but I’ve been so busy with The Barn and the SIS thing this week, it’s been hard to get the space to think. Maybe after tomorrow, once the wedding is over, we can sit down and have a talk about it. I’d like your opinion.’
What the fuck does that mean?
‘Um, okay,’ I say instead. I want to ask him to elaborate, like right now, please, but the night before Poppy’s wedding is really not the time to have a big emotional conversation with potentially huge implications.
I need to focus on the wedding. It’s just as well I’ve got lots to keep me busy.
I put Michelle and Sarah onto making more buttercream icing. Sophie, it turns out, has a very delicate, artistic touch so I can trust her with the more fragile edible roses and sugar leaves that are going on some of the cupcakes.
To go with the overall wedding colour scheme I have lots of white and pale green in the mix but also some pale pinks and creamy yellows. The vintage teacups that the cupcakes will be displayed in were a great find at a brocante, and I hope they will make Poppy’s vision of a very English high tea wedding cake come to life.
I’ve left Cal in the barn and I have taken over the guesthouse kitchen. Poppy is with her family, something she is none too pleased about. Her mum hasn’t been happy since she arrived, finding fault with virtually all of Poppy’s arrangements.
I’ve made quite a few extra cupcakes with the promise that we can all eat them, along with a second Kir Royale, when we have finished. I have been very mean and won’t let them have a second drink until we finish. This matters too much to have it messed up because we are tipsy.
Finally it is finished, and the result does look a lot like English high tea perfection, assuming cake is your priority. The cupcakes look like tea roses growing inside delicately patterned china cups.
I sit down with a sigh of release and relax. Michelle pours a Kir Royale and thrusts it into my hand. I drink gratefully. Then I take a bite of one of the spare cupcakes and they are totally scrummy if I do say so myself. I have also kept back some extra spares just in case there are any accidents, so I know that we can eat these without any guilt. As I eat I realise exactly how hungry I am. I’m not sure I can remember the last time I ate. It’s been a warm day as well which always curbs my appetite, but I’ve also been so preoccupied, thinking about what might be happening with Cal, that food for myself has been the last thing on my mind.
‘Have you all seen that hashtag “write your own label” is trending on Twitter?’ Michelle asks, taking a cake for herself.
‘Really? No, I’ve been too busy. And what have they …’ I stop myself from asking the question. I don’t want to know what the Sex in the Suburbs crowd are saying about me on Twitter. There is a very good reason why I’m keeping my distance. My sanity depends on it.
‘Do you mean what have Aiden and Sally said?’ Michelle guesses what I was asking.
‘Don’t tell me if it’s going to wind me up.’ I take another gulp of my drink. ‘I’ve got too much wedding stuff in my head. There is no room for any Aiden crap.’
Really it’s the conversation that I’m going to be having with Cal after the wedding that has got me stressed but I don’t want to say that because some of them are bound to give me false assurances that everything will be okay. It’s their way of being kind, I know; they just want to make me feel better. But I’m not sure I need that.
What I need is the truth, but only Cal can give me that.
‘It’s just some lame tweets about how they are glad you have finally moved on,’ Michelle says.
‘Finally?’ I roll my eyes. ‘There has always got to be a barb in there somewhere, hasn’t there?’
‘Don’t worry, you came across brilliantly and there is so much support for you on Twitter, on Facebook too,’ she says enthusiastically. ‘Other people have been posting their own videos, ripping up their old labels, it’s great.’
‘I think what you did was really brave,’ Sarah says, hiding a yawn behind her hand.
‘Me also,’ Sophie adds emphatically. ‘It is something I do not think I could do.’
I notice that Sophie’s French accent becomes more pronounced when she’s drinking, and her English more stilted. It’s still miles better than my French though.
‘Cal persuaded me it would help me to move on and he’s right,’ I say. ‘I shouldn’t have let other people label me. Even worse, I didn’t have to go and believe them.’
‘It is a very positive thing. To … write your own label.’ Sophie says the words slowly, as though memorising a new phrase.
‘Do we really want labels at all though?’ Sarah asks thoughtfully.
‘I think it’s more that it’s an easy way to say, “You don’t get to defi
ne me. I get to choose who I am and how the world sees me. Me and no one else.” It’s shorthand for saying all that.’ I feel a surge of emotion in my chest and I’m not quite sure where it’s come from or what it means. It’s a strong, positive emotion though and for some reason the warrior yoga pose comes to mind.
I am stronger now. Even if, God forbid, Cal leaves me never to return here again he will have left me stronger and happier. He woke me up, and he stopped me sleepwalking through life.
He made me want more. More out of life.
He has made me want more of him too. I think he might be the loveliest, best man I have ever met. Infuriating at times but even when he is infuriating me, I still love him with every fibre of my being.
All I need now is the courage to tell him.
The morning of the wedding I am up with the sunrise, rushing around checking all the last-minute arrangements are in place. I still can’t help wondering – well, worrying really – what Cal is planning to talk to me about. Wanting my opinion doesn’t sound like breaking up with me but …
The dogs are all attending the wedding, naturally, and it’s one of my jobs to make sure they behave. Ha! Confusingly it is also my job to make sure that Flump doesn’t behave. I have to make sure he runs off with the veil so Poppy can get married with flowery combs in her hair instead.
As though sensing I’m thinking of him Flump suddenly appears and I see a streak of blonde dog pass me in a chaotic, joyful flurry, heading out into the garden.
A shriek comes from further inside the house and the next thing I know Sarah runs into the room.
‘I was sure that I had closed my bedroom door. He has run off with my …’ Sarah’s cheeks grow uncharacteristically pink and her mouth opens and closes.
‘Sorry, he is a thieving little sod. What has he got?’ I ask with a twinge of familiar guilt. ‘I’ll get it back off of him. He doesn’t actually chew what he steals any more.’
Jojo's French Escape Page 23
