by Hunter Blain
I looked from the bathroom to the pot on the ground and back to the bathroom. I pointed an index finger at the pot and said, “Not a chamber pot, is it?”
“No,” Taylor sighed.
“It’s some sort of priceless heirloom, isn’t it?”
Taylor nodded with pursed lips as he stared at the pot with eyes that were almost unfocused.
I felt the need to change the subject, and fast.
“Why don’t you have any cuts, bruises, or scars from last night?” I asked while my eyes roamed over his body.
“John, that was two weeks ago,” he answered slowly.
“Two…” I tried to say before the world started to spin. My knees decided they didn’t want to hold me up anymore, and I began to fall. I was vaguely aware of Taylor catching me and setting me back on the bed as I tried to catch my breath. My heart had begun playing a death metal double bass drum in my ears.
As I caught my breath and began slowing it down with an intense focus of will, my heart slowed with it.
“I-I’ve been asleep for two goddamned weeks?” I asked Taylor, desperate for an answer that would make my head stop spinning.
“I’m afraid so,” he said, fully understanding my predicament. Something in my stomach stabbed just under my belly button, and I hunched over in pain.
“Ow. What the hell?” I asked.
“Why don’t you go use the facilities, take a shower, and then we will get this all straightened out, okay?” he asked as if debating with a child about bedtime. In my infantile mortal state, I basically was a child.
“Why does my stomach hurt?” I asked as Taylor helped me across the hall and into the bathroom.
“I left you some reading material on the counter there,” Taylor said, nodding toward where a large but thin book rested near the commode.
“O…kay?” I said as he shut the door, leaving me alone with the stabbing pain in my guts.
I shuffled over to where the book was and read the title. Everyone Poops.
“Huh?” I asked the empty room before realization struck and I started laughing. It was a welcomed laugh that seemed to invigorate my body and mind. The laugh grew in intensity until I had to place a hand on the counter to keep from doubling over. I took in a deep breath, ready to unleash my loudest and most powerful laugh yet, when I shit my silken pants, halting my laughter with a gasp. My head pivoted slowly, careful to not make matters worse, and I saw my surprised face in the mirror. My mouth was in a frozen O shape and my eyebrows were far north of their usual position. The sight of how ridiculous I looked made me want to laugh with renewed vigor, but I decided it was best to drop dirty trou and sit upon the unfamiliar throne.
Despite my many poop jokes, vampires did not defecate, so I had never sat on a modern toilet before. We did, however, pee out the excess liquid after processing the blood we had consumed. (Happy now, Reddit? Now you know.)
I tried to make myself laugh again, hoping I could coax the remaining waste out, but to no avail. After a few minutes of trying to force the situation, I sighed and let my head fall to the side as my eyes fixated on the children’s book.
“Son of a…” I whispered in embarrassment as I lazily grabbed the book and turned to page one.
After two read-throughs, I had finished the job and remembered the important part about flushing. I tried tossing the large rectangular children’s book into the small trash can next to the toilet, but it was too big and stuck out comically. It was as if my shame would not be forgotten and there was nothing I could do.
I went to pull up my pants when I noticed that they were, shall we say, not proper? and tossed them on top of the book that stuck out from the trash can.
Standing stark naked, I stepped into the shower and turned on the water. Freezing ice water shot needles into my skin that made me cry out in a pitch no man should ever be able to reach. My body responded on instinct, flattening against the back of the tiled shower while one leg rose as I pivoted, trying to shield my most important of body parts from the cold. I think it was too late, because I felt a strange sensation from Little John.
“Wait! Where are you going!” I cried out to my crotch as my friend began to disappear inside the safety of my pelvis.
I could feel the cords standing out on my neck as trembling hands shot out to turn the knob toward the red sticker. Though it shouldn’t have been possible according to modern physics, the water actually became colder, attempting to freeze my very soul!
“AAAAAHHHHHH!” I cried out as I slammed the shower handle in the opposite direction. This was all new shit I had never had to worry about as a damn vampire. Warm water sent pins and needles up my nerves where the water touched, and I began to relax with an, “Aaaahhhhh,” escaping my mouth.
Steam began to fill the room, and I noticed my skin was starting to burn like I was near a fire.
“What the…” I started asking the air as I looked at my hands. Then molten lava began jettisoning from the showerhead, and my body did a repeat move from when I first got in. I slammed against the back wall, protecting my junk with my leg and pivoted hips, before a hand dared the inferno and smacked at the knob again. It rested dead center between Pluto and Hell itself.
“Who designed these things?!” I called out as the water began cooling to a tolerable, if not pleasant, temperature.
I tentatively stepped into the water, letting the warmth wash over my entire body. Standing under the stream, I opened my mouth and let it fill before puffing my cheeks and spitting it out like a fountain.
There were three dispensers hanging on the wall at chest level labeled Body, Shampoo, and Conditioner. I turned, letting the water run down my back as I stared at the drain. I had done a supreme job of cleaning with toilet paper, considering I hadn’t done it in nearly six centuries. Then the water changed color a tad, and I stopped mentally high-fiving myself for attaining expert status after my first try at something new.
I reached behind and pumped the body dispenser about ten times before running my hand up my crack like a fickle credit card machine. My eyes saw movement and I looked up into the bathroom mirror that was almost fogged over, except for a tiny circle where I could perfectly see my shame.
I gritted my teeth and repeated the process two more times, letting the water clear the soap between each session. I moved on to the rest of my body before first shampooing, and then conditioning, my beard and long hair.
My muscles, which I hadn’t noticed felt stiff, relaxed, and the shower became one of the most relaxing moments in my life. Even after I was completely clean, I stood under the stream, letting it beat against my face as my mind remained empty.
I thought of nothing. Not of the battle. Not of how Baleius had betrayed me. Not even how I had saved all of creation from annihilation. None of it mattered. Only the warm, relaxing water mattered.
After what felt like a few hours, I turned the water off, grabbed a white fluffy towel, and dried off. My hands were pruney, and I couldn’t stop looking at them. A bout of sneezing came over me as cool air swirled from out of nowhere, mixing with the steam of the shower. I looked around but couldn’t find an AC vent.
“Fae magic,” I reassured myself as I turned to the foggy mirror.
Using the now damp towel to wipe off a section of condensation on the mirror, I looked at myself as if for the first time.
A thinner man with a wild beard stared back at me with light brown eyes. I wiped at the mirror with more vigor, trying to free up more visible space at which to look over myself.
My stomach was flatter, with only a little pudge around my waist now. The cheeks under my eyes were more pronounced.
“I have cheekbones!” I said to my reflection as I poked at them with an index finger. A fingernail that was longer than I was used to pressed into my skin. I pulled my hand away and looked at the few millimeters of white at the tip of my nails, and scrunched my brow.
I began opening drawers and cabinets until I found a pair of silk boxers, house pants, and a
relaxed-fit pullover shirt. Taylor was exceedingly considerate, and I had to give him props.
Making my way out of the bathroom, I noticed a Fae hauling away my priceless heirloom/chamber pot. I wanted to say something, because I thought they were all dead, but then I remembered the small number of Fae that had escaped with Taylor and I when Oberon had first attacked.
I wondered down the hallways, aimless and uncaring of the destination. All I wanted to do was live in the now and see everything that I could.
My bare toes stepped over the moss that was once again growing across the floor, staking its claim and proclaiming its victory over the cold, dead stone. Where the moss grew, I could see living wood underneath.
I glanced out a window onto a bright, sunlit scene. I could see on the ground that small puffs of shadows grew along the skeleton limbs of Yggdrasil. Leaning out the window, I turned to look straight up and saw green patches of leaves growing on the once nearly dead tree. And it made me feel warm inside my chest. I knew then that Faerie was going to be okay.
After ten or fifteen minutes of walking around, I found Taylor in an impressive bedroom at the end of a long hallway. He was hunched over a table covered in scrolls with an inkwell and quill near the edge. I could tell by his face that he was concentrating intently on the document in front of him.
I leaned against the doorframe and crossed my arms with a smile. The silk felt ridiculously good against my freshly cleaned skin.
When Taylor didn’t notice, I brought a fist up to my mouth and pretended to clear my throat. He looked up at me, startled, before his features relaxed.
“How was your shower? Refreshing, I hope.”
“Thanks for the book,” I said sincerely. I would always remember how Taylor had treated me with respect and dignity when I was at my most vulnerable.
“It’s been a few years since you’ve had to deal with the human condition,” he said with a gleam in his eye before looking me up and down. “I see you found the clothing I chose for you.”
“Yes, it’s very comfortable. Thank you,” I said as I walked to where Taylor stood. “What are you looking at?”
Taylor looked down at the scroll and said, “I’m trying to figure out how to best rebuild the throne, now that I am king of all Faerie.”
“Whoa, there. King?” I asked, placing a hand on his shoulder with a shit-eating grin plastered across my face. I was beyond excited for my friend.
“Someone has to do it, and I’m afraid there aren’t many of my kind left.”
“Well, I know Faerie is in good hands, then.” I patted his shoulder twice before lowering my hand to regard the scroll. “Anything wrong with the throne? You seemed engrossed in whatever you had found.”
Taylor pointed to a section above the throne that connected to the portal above. “See this? This was supposed to only be a window—a vanity window if you will. Not some portal to Mab’s prison.” Taylor tapped on the parchment a few times as he thought. “Someone made it like this on purpose. They knew it could—and would—be used as a doorway to the Shadow Court.” Taylor stood up while keeping his eyes on the scroll, as if doing so might provide a different vantage point.
“Why would someone do that?” I asked, crossing my arms.
“That’s the thing that has been bugging me,” Taylor said as he locked eyes with me. “I can’t figure that out.”
We looked at each other before he returned his eyes to the throne room blueprints.
“Well, the good news is that you’ll fix that now, won’t you?”
“Hmm? Oh yes, without a doubt. Without a doubt,” he repeated.
I decided it was best to leave him to his mystery.
“I’m going to find something to eat and then go lie naked in the grass,” I said as I turned to try and find the kitchen.
“Hmm? Right…naked…” Taylor mimicked the words without absorbing what I had said.
It took another twenty minutes before I found the kitchen in the enormous castle. Once I passed a hallway with the smell of cooking meat, all I had to do was follow it from there.
There were two dwarves cooking a small feast inside the industrial-sized kitchen. It felt empty with only the three of us in the room that was meant to house an entire staff. I wondered, then, how many Fae were left alive. It made my heart feel cold and heavy the longer I thought about it.
One of the dwarves walked up to me, holding a plate of grilled meat and baked veggies.
“Thank you for saving Faerie. Thank you for saving Yggdrasil and the nine realms. You’re a hero,” the dwarf said with a deep, gruff voice. As I took the plate, he lightly grabbed my wrists, squeezing once before nodding and releasing them to return to his duties. I didn’t know what to say. I know what you’re thinking. “You? John the Vampire doesn’t know what to say?” And I’m here to confirm the myth as being true: I, John Cook, couldn’t come up with anything humorous or witty…and that was okay right then.
I didn’t feel like myself because I was missing a huge part of my identity that had been with me since 1480. I felt like a boat drifting in the ocean without an engine or even a paddle. I was simply letting the current take me where it may.
I stepped through the kitchen and into a long dining hall. Like, it was really long, meant to house several hundred guests at a time.
Sitting at the end of the table closest to the kitchen, I took the metal fork and knife and began cutting into the meat. It was a strange motion, and I had to talk myself through it. Insert fork near edge, use knife to cut around fork, put food into mouth, and this is the important part: chew. I learned that last one really quickly as I choked on my first big bite. I also might have bitten my tongue once or ten times.
The meat was juicy and warm on my throbbing tongue, and I moaned in ecstasy. My fork pierced through some carrots that had been cooked in some sort of oil or butter with herbs on top. I inserted them into my mouth and began chewing. They were crunchy and delicious.
A female elf in a tight purple dress similar to a maid’s outfit approached with a chalice. She set it down, touched my hand gingerly, and said, “Thank you, hero,” before giving me a light peck on the cheek and turning to exit the room and leave me alone with her words. Her lips, though brief as the contact had been, had felt amazing against my cheek.
I watched after her, my chewing slowing as I replayed what she had said in my mind over and over on a loop. I didn’t feel like a hero right now. I felt…empty and alone, which was fitting considering Batman was my favorite character.
I looked at the chalice that had a dark red liquid inside, picked it up, and smelled the contents. It wasn’t blood, like I was accustomed to. It was…wine, I think. I had always wanted to taste wine. It had been a luxury we could never afford on the farm. Only water and goat’s milk were readily available.
I put my lips on the cup and let the wine slowly enter my mouth. I savored it for a few moments before letting it slide down my throat. It burned a little and left an odd aftertaste. Plus, it was really sweet and bitter at the same time.
“I don’t think I like wine,” I said to the room after I swallowed another mouthful to test my hypothesis.
After a few minutes, I had eaten my entire plate and was still hungry. I also noticed I had consumed the entire glass of wine, all except for one last little mouthful. Shrugging my shoulders, I tilted the cup back and drank the remaining liquid before setting the cup on the table. I missed, and it clattered to the ground.
My head reflexively shot to follow the cup, and I noticed how light-headed I had become.
“Maybe…maybe I like wine,” I said again before little titters of laughter escaped my mouth.
The weight of the world seemed to melt from my shoulders, and I pushed back on my chair to get up. I was in the pleasant valley of being tipsy rather than drunk, and felt wonderful.
After making my way through the castle, I exited through the open gates and into the city. Yggdrasil was in the process of taking back the land from the stone that ha
d swallowed it, and I smiled without really thinking about why. I just felt…good, right now.
I walked down the streets with my arms out to my sides, feeling the warm rays of the Faerie sun kissing my skin. I even closed my eyes, tilting my face skyward as I walked. I could have tripped if I had kept my eyes closed, but right then, nothing mattered.
As I made my way outside the city and into the open fields beyond, I took off all my clothes and lay in the blades of grass as they swayed in the gentle breeze. Flowers were blooming and I could smell their sweet aroma coaxing me like a perfume.
I lay there, naked in the field, soaking up the sun with my eyes closed, when a shadow formed above me. I squinted an eye open and saw the outline of a fit female figure standing above me, blocking the rays.
“Hello, lover,” Lily purred in greeting.
My stomach dropped and I told the guards on the ice wall I had built around my heart to remain vigilant. We had prepared for this and nothing would stop us.
Lily’s clothes disappeared into the breeze as if they had been made of sand and stepped on either side of my hips, offering me a view of the holy grail.
I gulped as she crouched over me, resting her most intimates on top of mine.
I immediately sent a signal to my member, commanding it to not respond. “Don’t you do it!” I screamed inwardly.
He must not have had his headphones on, because my emergency radio message wasn’t received.
“Oh, eager, I see,” Lily cooed with fluttering eyes as she began rocking back and forth, forcing my soldier to commit treason.
The ice wall around my heart was torn free and cast into a violent volcano, leaving it defenseless, while a ball gag muffled the protests of my mind.
My mouth became dry, and I could hear my heart in my ears again as we became one. Then she couldn’t hold back anymore and began passionately kissing me. I didn’t even try and resist, nor did I really care at that moment. I hated her. I loved her. And I hated that I loved her.
While in the throes of passion, I felt a connection to someone familiar, and it made my tears flow. They streamed to my ears before disappearing into my thick hair.
