Once back in my cabin, I spent extra time in the shower. I considered faking a headache and skipping dinner and the night’s festivities. But Elle wouldn’t want to leave me alone, thinking I was stewing over Jace.
I chose a floor-length sheath dress in a luscious dark gray for dinner. Elle entered while I was working on my hair, which I had decided to wear down tonight. She nodded in approval and did a little straightening for me. “He’s outside waiting for you.”
I spun, my breath catching. “Braedon? What’s he wearing?”
“A tux.” She grinned and slipped off her sandals.
For nearly a year, I had turned down every guy who had asked me out, and I hadn’t always been very civil. Braedon had made the assumption I would spend the evening with him. Kind of like a date. How had this happened?
He waited outside my door, just as Elle had said, leaning against the wall and fiddling with one of his cuff links. The tux made him swoon-worthy, and my knees shook a little. This was ridiculous. I was too old to act like this.
Braedon straightened when I stepped out of the cabin door and offered me his arm. “You look beautiful.”
“Thank you.” With my trembling hand on his arm, I had a hard time denying we were on a date. He had on that cologne I liked, the one that made me want to snuggle up against his neck and breathe him in. Maybe Elle was right, but I wasn’t ready for more than friendship with Braedon.
As we made our way to the restaurant, Braedon spotted a roaming photographer. “Come on. Let’s get our picture taken.”
I stood with him to be photographed. Like a couple.
The Armstrongs were waiting for us when we finished, and the four of us continued to the restaurant.
We were seated at a table across the room from where Elle and the others sat. She smiled, her expression full of encouragement. Jori leaned back in his chair to get a good look at me and mouthed, ‘Wow.’
I couldn’t help but smile and settled down to what ended up being a pleasant dinner. Braedon and the Armstrongs always set me at ease with their comfortable camaraderie. The dinner discussion flowed easily from the restaurant to the Explorer’s Lounge where the chamber group played.
As we listened, Braedon’s arm rested lightly on the couch behind my shoulders. I had no idea what music the chamber group played because I couldn’t think of anything but the proximity of his arm, worrying that he might bring it around my shoulders. Or that he might not. My obsession with it made me feel like I was in high school.
I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. For the first time in a year, a part of me wanted a man’s attention—this man’s attention— but acknowledging it didn’t stop the fear that I wasn’t ready, that I couldn’t trust my feelings in this temporary world. My head pounded.
The four of us found seats on the Lounge’s balcony for the floorshow. Instead of resting his arm on the back of my chair, Braedon slid his fingers between mine, his thumb brushing the top of my hand. It sent a little jolt of electricity up my arm and gave me goose bumps. My palm was wet against his soft, dry skin. He had to be sensing my agitation.
After the floorshow, Braedon and I followed Aislinn and D’Arcy, ending up on the sky deck rather than the Crow’s Nest where we usually went.
D’Arcy surveyed the area. “We should play a game of miniature golf.”
I stared at him. “In this?” I gestured at our formal clothing.
“Sure.” Braedon removed his jacket. “It’ll give me an excuse for playing terribly.”
D’Arcy took off his coat, and Aislinn went to select a club, so I followed her. The game would be a good distraction. No more nerve-wracking arms close to my shoulders or handholding that sucked my wits from me.
I gave all my attention to the game—not that it improved my playing. Both Braedon and I scored badly, which gave us something to commiserate about.
Aislinn stepped into place to take her last shot of the game. It went in, and she squealed, “I win!” D’Arcy hugged her, and they kissed. Aislinn sighed before turning to me. “We need to get Kate.”
D’Arcy put his arm around Aislinn’s shoulders. “Good night, you two.”
Braedon stepped beside me, and we stood in silence as they disappeared down the stairs.
The music from one of the ship’s bands drifted to us on the soft breeze, the moonlight and gentle rocking of the ship enchanting.
The last of the paralytic numbness that had fallen upon me a year ago in the hospital room melted away, leaving me alive again. Exhilaration washed over me, and I thought for a moment I might float away, free from the chains that had bound me. I wanted to throw my arms up in the air and let loose a cry of joy.
I even raised my hands from my side, but I caught Braedon watching me with the hint of a smile. Braedon. A little chain reached up and gripped me, pulling me back to reality. I dropped my hands. I couldn’t forget where I was.
Braedon, his expression now unsure, held up his club. “Should we play another game?”
“Okay.” I stepped toward the first hole and tripped on my skirt. “Oh no!” I bent down to examine the fabric. “It tore.”
Braedon bent to look at the hem. “Then we should postpone our game to another day.”
He smelled so good. I clenched my suddenly shaking hand to stop it from reaching over and brushing aside a strand of hair that had fallen over his eye.
While he returned the clubs and balls, I debated if I should make a move toward the stairs, to get us around other people. The ambiance was dangerous to my resolve. Elle’s earlier comments came to mind. Maybe I should just see what happened. I might be making more of this than was really there.
I stepped to the rail overlooking the ocean. Braedon came to stand beside me, and we faced the water in silence. The soft wind blew a strand of my hair in front of him, and he caught it in his hand and began rolling it between his fingers.
My already pounding heart sped up.
Braedon released the strand and laid his hand softly on my shoulder.
My breath caught. I stepped out from under his hand as I turned toward him and asked in a rush, “So where did you go to medical school?”
Braedon dropped his hand and watched me, a slight crease between his brows. “Harvard.”
I clutched my fists at my sides, forcing them to stay there. “Where did you go for your thoracic training?”
“The Mayo Clinic.” He moved closer.
Blood pounded in my ears. I wanted to run away. I wanted to step closer. “Where do you work?”
“Cornell University Medical Center.” He lifted his hand toward my face. “What’s wrong, Lyn?”
I could hardly breathe. Never in my life—not even with Jace—had I been such a ditz over a man. I met Braedon’s dark eyes. He lowered them to my mouth.
Memory rushed back of the first time Jace had kissed me. My newly alive but raw emotions pulled back. As much as I wanted to be, I wasn’t ready. “I can’t.” I opened my mouth to say more, to explain, but those words wouldn’t come. “I have to go.” Like Cinderella faced with reality, I fled.
CHAPTER 8
MY NIGHT was full of both pleasant dreams and dreadful nightmares. I knew leaving Braedon alone on the sky deck had been the smart choice, even though I had left him with no explanation. Regardless, I hadn’t wanted to hurt his feelings by leaving so abruptly.
I woke bleary-eyed and sat by Elle, talking about the sights while we rode the tour bus to the Maui Ocean Center. Walking around the aquarium, I occupied myself with taking notes for the next school year. I knew I wasn’t acting quite right, and I didn’t fool Elle. The collection of gardens around the Iao Needle, the mountain overlooking the site where the Maui king had stood in his final battle against King Kamehameha, didn’t have me gushing as they should have.
When we returned to the ship, Elle got dressed for the sailing party. I sat in the chair with my feet curled under me and stared at the balcony. This was all my fault, and I needed to explain to Braedon, but I didn’t want t
o do it with a crowd.
“You’re not going to wear that, are you?” Elle fastened her necklace.
I laid my head on the arm of the chair. “I’m going to eat in tonight, but I may come up for the sailing party later.”
Elle raised an eyebrow. “Did you and Braedon have a fight?”
“No,” I answered a little too sharply.
She scrutinized me for a moment, doubtful. “Well, get some rest. We’ve got lots to see tomorrow.”
I ordered a light supper and watched from the window as the ship left the dock. I wanted to kick myself for not sticking to my plans. After I had discovered the truth about Jace, I had forced myself to get up every day and move on. I had refused to let his betrayal destroy me or waste my time grieving a lie. Anger had gotten me through the last year.
I went up to the party on the lido. The place was so crowded it was hard to locate the group off in a corner. Everyone was laughing and eating. Except Braedon. He sat with a drink that he played with, smiling every once in a while at a comment.
How could I get his attention without alerting the others? He glanced my way and straightened in his chair when our eyes met, sending a thrill through me. I took a step toward him but stopped. Last night had shown me I was healing, but fresh scar tissue must be treated with great care. I couldn’t do it yet. Turning, I went back to my cabin.
The weather on Kauai the next day was clear and warm, and Elle and I spent most of the day riding in a sightseeing bus. The long ride to Waimea—the Grand Canyon of the Pacific—gave me something else to ponder, and I jotted down more notes.
No insight on how to broach the topic with Braedon had come to me by the time we returned to the ship. Perhaps it was shame that I had treated Braedon so horribly. What had he done, anyway? He must hate me, thinking I had led him on. That thought alone tied my stomach in knots.
Elle didn’t question me again, but I could tell she wasn’t happy when I came up with more excuses for not going with her to dinner. With two-thirds of the cruise left, I knew I would have to face him. Whoever thought being locked up with the same people for four weeks was a good idea, anyway? I didn’t care how good the food was.
The milder weather made for a comfortable trip to Pearl Harbor. By the time we finished a tour of the Arizona Memorial and the Battleship Missouri, it had begun to sprinkle. I was glad to get back to the ship, curl up in bed, and fall asleep.
I woke to find Elle gone and the hour late. Her note stuck on the television said I could join her in the Crow’s Nest. Bless her. She knew me well enough to give me space to work things out myself. I couldn’t stand being stuck in the cabin another night, though. To ensure I wouldn’t see anyone from the group, I slipped into the ship’s movie theater. The film had already started, and I let the mindless action play in the background of my mind.
The last island stop before we headed for American Samoa was Kona. The day had seemed promising when we had signed up to go on a catamaran snorkeling excursion. A powerful squall that lasted perhaps an hour made a mess of everything. The only excursion I had been able to muster up any real enthusiasm for and they canceled it.
The storm fit my mood as Elle and I ate breakfast in our soggy clothing at an open-air restaurant near the beach. From our vantage point, we could see that even the ship’s tenders were stuck until the ocean calmed. We spent the rest of the morning at a local flea market.
On that last Hawaii night, I went to the movies again. Jori surprised me by slipping into the seat beside me just as the lights dimmed. Neither of us spoke. When the room brightened at the end, we sat mutely in our seats until the room emptied of passengers and the crewmembers came in to clean up.
Jori stood. “Take a walk with me. Please.”
“I ...”
He put his hand on my shoulder. “I’ll keep an eye out for him and make sure you don’t have to see him. Okay?”
My eyes misted at his kindness. I nodded, and Jori led the way. The wind whipped my hair, a sign of another storm kicking up. He found us a sheltered niche, and we sat down on a bench, side by side.
He twisted to face me. “Elle told me you had a bad experience last year. I’m sorry about teasing you.”
I gritted my teeth. I hated people talking about me behind my back.
“You know,” Jori continued when I didn’t respond, “in spite of my reputation, I do believe that love—a lifelong love—is possible.”
I stared at him in disbelief. I had overheard several conversations and, if they were true, he had rarely slept alone since the cruise had begun—and always with a different girl. When I couldn’t think of anything polite to say, I faced forward and stared at the clouds.
“I’ve seen it. My grandparents had it.” He straightened, resting his head against the bulkhead behind us. “You know, you light up whenever you see him.”
I tilted my head toward him. “What are you talking about?”
He watched me from the corner of his eye. “Braedon. You practically glow when you’re around him.”
No way was I going to talk about Braedon. I stood, but Jori pulled me back down beside him.
“I would love to have a woman look at me like that.” He stared at his hands, clasped loosely before him.
“Oh, please. I’ve seen how women look at you.”
He shook his head. “It’s not the same thing.” He glanced at me before returning his gaze to his hands. “It’s shallow. They only care about the attractive package and have no interest in the man inside.”
I stared at him. “And you care so much about them? I got the impression you liked the emotional distance.”
He winced. “Ouch. The hypocrite gets it right in the heart.” He mimed being stabbed in the chest and then looked at me, his face serious. “I liked the attention when I was younger. It fed my ego, and I thought it validated me.”
“What happened to you, Jori?’ I asked.
He leaned his head back against the wall and exhaled a deep breath. “Your first time ought to be with someone you love.”
“How old were you?”
“Fifteen.” His voice was soft, his eyes closed. “And she was my brother’s wife. She liked to be a boy’s first experience. When I confessed, it tore the family apart.”
My heart tightened for him, and I squeezed his hand. “You were a kid, and she was a sick woman. You can’t let that experience define you.”
He looked at me. “You must see the irony of two emotional cripples giving each other advice on romance.” Jori poked my arm. “But this isn’t about me. It’s about you running away from someone you should be running to.”
I straightened. “Jori, I don’t—”
“Listen to me.” He grabbed my hand. “I wasn’t kidding about you and Braedon. Something good is happening to you. Don’t throw it away. It’s special, and it’s rare. I’ve taken the time to get to know Braedon. He won’t disappoint you if you give him a chance.”
Jori stood and offered me his hand. I took it, and he slid my fingers around his arm, silent as he walked me to my cabin door.
“Think about it,” he said before he left.
Once in the empty cabin, I meditated on what Jori had said. Was I an emotional cripple? Would Jace win by making me forever afraid to trust anyone? But even if I could trust again, was this the place?
I hadn’t seen Braedon for four days. I wanted to cry.
I WOKE EARLY on the eleventh day of the cruise, our first full day back at sea. The ocean was rough again, which seemed a fitting setting. It also meant the group wouldn’t gather for our self-defense session. So much for pulling Braedon aside and talking to him there.
The light by Elle’s bed flicked on. “No practice this morning?”
I shielded my eyes against the sudden glare. “It’s too rough.”
She sat up in bed, rubbing her eyes. “Braedon’s been as mopey as you. Are you going to tell me what’s going on?”
“You were right. He wants more than friendship.”
“What’s wrong with that? What scares you about dating on a ship?”
I heaved a sigh and waved my hands. “All of this.”
“I don’t understand.”
“It’s all a fairy tale.” I sat up, throwing my blanket from me. My eyes burned. “We live in this luxury, spoiled by fine food and pampering servants. All around us are fun activities and attractive people while we visit exotic places.”
Elle shook her head. “You’re not making any sense, Lyn. If you’re so afraid of connecting with people here, why do you go out of your way to make them feel comfortable and confide in you?”
“I don’t.”
She crossed her arms. “Oh, please. All you have to do is talk with people and they’re spilling their innermost secrets to you. You’ve always been able to do that.” She sighed. “Until a year ago. I think it’s healthy that it’s coming back.”
Standing, I rubbed my pounding temples, remembering how I had felt in the hospital room. “Not in this environment. I trusted a fairy tale once. I won’t do it again.”
I retreated to the bathroom, undressed, and cried in the shower. So much for the diminishing of my emotions.
CHAPTER 9
ELLE REMAINED quiet when I came out, slipping into the bathroom for her own shower. I dressed and tried to put on some makeup. It seemed pointless to work on my red nose and puffy eyes, so I blew my hair dry first.
I didn’t say anything when Elle came back into the room. I didn’t want to talk about it. I felt exposed and tender. She put on her clothes, and I stepped beside her at the mirror to finish applying my makeup.
“I’m sorry,” she said softly. “I didn’t mean to push you.”
Elle had been such a stalwart friend and supporter. She must be tired of me. “I didn’t know my feelings were still so raw.”
She paused and raised her eyebrows. “I’m not sure it’s—” she stopped herself before saying Jace’s name aloud, “um, your past that’s the problem. I think you’re afraid because you care a lot for Braedon.”
A Change of Plans Page 6
