“You mean this morning? I was wondering why so many people were refusing to use the app.”
“She told everyone that they had to register on paper as well if they wanted their session reservations confirmed. It was total codswallop and caused the most enormous backlog of people this morning.”
“It was nearly a disaster,” I confirmed. “Why would she do something like that?”
He shook his head. “Geraldine is a very contrary person. If you’re not doing things the way she wants to do them, she’ll let you know it — and punish you, too. In my view, she is the single biggest thing holding back the entire UK B&B industry. I wish people would listen to Bernice instead. She at least has some forward vision.”
“While Geraldine is stuck in the past?” asked Sam.
“That’s right. All I want to do is help people with my software — it really can streamline everything for B&B owners. But it’s like fighting an uphill battle.” Jake’s eyes flicked to the other end of the table. “Could you excuse me?”
“Sure thing.”
He leaned forward and whispered to us. “Sorry, but it’s my biggest potential client yet.” He nodded his head down the other end of the table where a bald-headed gentleman was displaying keen interest in a leaflet on the table. “I’m going to try and seal the deal. Nice to meet you though!”
Jake side-stepped his way along the other side of the large table to talk to his potential client.
“So, what else have we got?” I said to Sam brightly, as we turned to scan the rest of the room.
“We’ve seen the good stuff.”
“We have? That was the good stuff?”
Vacuums, sheets and software for which I had no use weren’t exactly in my top one thousand favorite things to shop for.
“Yeah. There’s a guy with pencils over there, a woman with reservation books, some dusters you can only buy in packs of twenty-four and a doorbell man. The rest of it’s pretty boring.”
“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”
Sam nodded at me. “If you’re thinking it’s time I helped you check out the maze, then yep!”
“Let’s go.”
So without giving the room even a second glance, we made our exit as quickly and quietly as we could.
It was time to get lost.
Chapter 7
Geraldine
Geraldine was not in a good mood. As far as she was concerned, it had been one disaster after another on this ship. Thinking of which, why had idiot Bernice ever thought booking a cruise ship of all things was a good idea?
The B&B association should meet in a B&B, and if not that, then a country hotel. But no, crazy Bernice had booked a boat — in America of all places. If that’s even where they were anymore. According to the itinerary it was supposed to visit Mexico and the Caymans and she couldn’t even remember where else. Bernice really had no idea what she was doing.
B&Bs were about quiet and the countryside, with some genuine home-cooking thrown in. A cruise ship couldn’t be more opposite. A floating hotel without a horse or hedgerow to be found for hundreds of miles.
Geraldine stared in front of her, annoyed.
Okay, maybe there were hedgerows.
She had arrived at the maze, which was composed entirely of hedgerows. Not real ones, of course — these hedgerows were planted in oversized pots.
This was her second visit to the maze. She had given it a brief inspection the day before, until she’d been tricked by an idiot housekeeper who clearly didn’t understand English into going the wrong way. Weary after the flight, she’d gone back to her stateroom to unwind. The other idiot who’d brought her bags hadn’t even unpacked them for her, so she’d had to do that, too.
While the rest of them looked at the tat that was being hawked in Bernice’s flea market, Geraldine was going to give this maze a proper run through.
“If I was on Mr. Chestnut, I could see right to the center,” she said to herself. Mr. Chestnut was her best friend, a five year old stallion that she rode every morning after breakfast was over. She missed him more than anything else back home. She’d made enquiries, but it seemed that bringing a horse across the Atlantic and onto a cruise ship was out of the question. A terrible shame that. Not that Mr. Chestnut would have enjoyed the cruise ship. He would have disliked it almost as much as Geraldine herself, she thought.
Geraldine marched into the maze, her riding boots crunching loudly on the gravel that had been laid along the paths through the potted-walls.
“Now I went that way yesterday… let’s try this one… no, not this way… yes… this is it… this is it… oh no!” Geraldine glared at a shrub wall that she was sure shouldn’t be there. After retracing her steps, she found another route.
“And this way… yes, here we go, here we go… here we… are! I made it!” Geraldine looked around proudly. She was in the center of the maze, and it was marked with an ornamental fountain which was spurting crystal clear water into the air.
Feeling rather hot, Geraldine leaned over the fountain, and in a luxurious gesture she dipped her hands into the fountain, and flung the water over her face. Then, she dipped her hands in again, and took a long, deep draught of the water.
And promptly spat what she could right out again.
“Argh! Yuck!”
The water was not quite as crystalline as it had appeared, and tasted of old oil, grease, and salt that had blown in on the wind.
She glared at the fountain like it had been out to get her. What kind of an idiot puts a fountain full of dirty water in the center of a maze? Didn’t they realize people would be looking forward to a refreshing treat after the arduous journey through the hedgerows?
It was like someone was out to get her. Which they were. She knew that. That’s why they’d elected Bernice — Bernice! — to be head of the B&B association this year. Her of all people. If they wanted fresh blood they should have elected Mr. Chestnu: he would have been twice as competent and a lot more pleasing to the eye to boot.
No, the B&B association was full of snakes and worse. Idiots who didn’t realize just quite how much of an expert she was in the world of B&Bing. People who thought that new ways could possibly be better than old ways.
“We wouldn’t have done things the old way in the first place if they weren’t the best way!” she said to herself angrily.
Then she shook her head. She should save her outrage for when the dummies were in front of her. Not when she was out here all alone.
Wiping a last drop of dirty water from her face, Geraldine turned around to begin the journey out of the maze.
Then she froze.
She wasn’t quite as alone as she’d thought.
In fact, one of the many idiots was standing right in front of her. And this particular idiot didn’t look very happy. Not very happy at all.
“What the dickens do you think you’re doing?” demanded Geraldine. “Well? Well!?”
The idiot raised an arm and stepped toward Geraldine.
“What is that? What are you holding? Is that a rock? Why have you got a—”
Geraldine didn’t get to finish what she was saying. The idiot swung their arm like a lunatic, hitting her in the head and sending her plummeting in darkness down to the deck.
And she hadn’t even got a chance to tell everyone what she really thought of them yet.
It wasn’t fair, she thought.
It wasn’t fair.
And then, with a sigh so gentle it could have come from Mr. Chestnut himself, Geraldine breathed her last.
Chapter 8
We’d almost made it to the door when disaster struck. Okay, not a real disaster, but a minor one.
“Addi! Addi! Addi!”
I winced to Sam before I turned to face Kelly with a smile.
“Kelly. How’s it going?”
“I heard there was a major crisis here. Did you cope? Are you okay?”
“It was just a brief power outage. I think we overloaded the system. E
verything’s fine and there’s no crisis. I was just about to go and get some great new pics for the social media feeds actually, so if you could excuse me—”
“Oh, no, no, no, no, no,” said Kelly with a rapid shaking of her head, that sent her long, dangly purple earrings — which matched today’s brilliant purple dress — swinging wildly from her ears.
“No?”
“No. What we need to do, what we have to do, is speak to all the vendors. I need your help. You and Sam. I want you to go around and ask each of them if there’s anything — anything — that Swan can do to make it up to them.”
“Anything?” asked Sam dubiously.
“Anything that doesn’t cost Swan money!”
“That narrows it down rather a lot,” I pointed out. “How about some free coffee vouchers or something?”
Kelly nodded. “Okay, we can probably swing that. Two per vendor. Oh, and apologize to them on behalf of the company for the major crisis they had to endure. Make sure you get their cabin number so we can deliver the vouchers, okay? Thanks! Got to go!”
Sam and I were both pouting unhappily when Kelly span around like a dervish and blasted off out of the room to get to whatever her next crisis was.
“I guess we do get to see the rest of the stands. Pencils and bookings books included.”
“I know where we’re starting. We forgot to drop by Alex’s stand. Come on, let’s see if we can snag a dessert sample.”
We pushed our way through the crowd of B&B association members until we got to the half of a table that was dedicated to Martinez Delectable Sensations.
On the table there was a stack of leaflets and two trays which held just the last few crumbs of something that looked like it must have been delicious.
“Excuse me?” I called to the other end of the table. The other half of the vendor table was dedicated to pencils. “Is Alex still here?”
The bespectacled pencil salesman shuffled over to us. He slowly looked down the whole length of the table, including back the way he’d just come, before turning back to face me.
“It doesn’t look like it.”
Sam leaned forward, hands on the table. “Are there any more samples back there? We work here, and we think that if there are any more samples, they should be put out on the table immediately. We’d be grateful if you could do that for us.”
The man slowly turned around, and then crouched down. There was the sound of rummaging and shuffling from behind, until finally he emerged holding something in his hands.
“More leaflets? Will that do?” He put them down on top of the table. “I can’t see any more food samples though.”
With a sigh, we realized we’d missed out. The highlight of our coffee and apology tour was now gone.
“Never mind that. We’re also here on behalf of Swan to apologize for the power cut. We can offer you a coffee voucher for compensation.”
“Coffee? Oh, I don’t trust the stuff. Tea does me just fine.”
“I expect the vouchers will be fine for tea as well. If you give me your name and stateroom number I’ll have the vouchers sent over.”
“Tea? Free?” The man’s face cracked wide open in a deliriously happy smile. “Just because of that little power cut?”
“That’s right. Now, your name, and your cabin number?”
“You can put the power out every day if I’ll get a cup of tea out of it! Martha, did you hear that?” He turned to his left, and then his face fell in a frown. “She’s not here. She’s minding the business. If she was here, I’d be telling her we’d just got a free cup of tea! I’ll have to call her tonight. She won’t believe it. A free cup of tea!”
“Right, but we need your cabin number and your name to send you the coupon.”
The man shook his head in wonder. “I have a question.”
“Yes?” I was doing my best, but mostly failing, not to grit my teeth. It was a bad habit, but some of the people I met on the ship…
“If Martha was here, would we get two vouchers? Or would it just be the one?”
“Two. In fact, I’ll send you two, one in her honor. Now if you can just give me your—”
“Two! Two!” The man clapped his hands together and began to rub them excitedly. “It’s like Christmas! I think I’m going to have to close up shop and call Martha right now! She’s not going to believe it. When I tell her, I know what she’ll say, she’ll say she doesn’t believe it, and I’ll tell her it’s true, and she’ll say it can’t be, and then…”
***
An hour. That’s how long it took. An hour, just to walk around the room and get the cabin number and name of each of the vendors in order to send them a coffee coupon or two and give them Swan’s most heartfelt apologies.
The pencil guy was the slowest, but the bamboo sheets lady wasn’t far behind. By the time we got out of the hot room, we were both irritated and exhausted.
“You know,” said Sam, “I think I’ve decided I don’t like people.”
“All of them?” I asked wearily.
“I think so. Except you. And Cece.”
I nodded. I was feeling about the same after that arduous task Kelly had thrust upon us.
“Come on. We’re finally free to go and see what this maze is all about.”
We walked slowly, and as we left we were not the only ones. A lot of the other Association members had had their fill of the vendors wares by then, and were slowly making their way out, chatting happily after all the excitement of the mini-trade fair and the earlier power cut.
A few minutes later, out in the fresh salt-scented air, we were there.
“Tada!” I announced proudly, as if I had something to do with the creation of the maze.
Sam stood by the bulkhead door, staring out at it, slowly nodding her head in approval.
“They really did it. It’s bigger than I expected, too. How high do you think those shrubs are?”
“They must be eight foot, if you include the planters they’re in. It’s pretty impressive isn’t it? And I guess it wasn’t that hard to do either — once they had the shrubs grown, it was just a matter of arranging all the pots in order.”
“I suppose they could move them around, too, to change the route to the center.”
“Looks like we’re not the first one here, unfortunately.”
Ahead of us, I saw one of the B&B owners disappearing into the maze. It was Heidi, the stocky Irish lady we’d met at breakfast time.
“Let’s give her a moment to get in there,” said Sam. “I don’t want to be following right behind someone else.”
“And we’ve had enough of people for today, haven’t we?”
“Yep. Oh, cornstalks! There’s another one.”
Sure enough, the long-haired software-seller, Jake Cheltenham, had appeared from around the side of the maze and was now heading back in.
“There must be some other entrances around the side. Come on, let’s walk around the edge and get a few pictures of it from some different angles. You can pose for me.”
Sam and I slowly walked a circumference around the maze, and I got Sam to pose in front of each of the three entrances, as well as up against some of the hedgerows with some suitably entertaining poses: looking confused and lost; holding her hand against her brow like an explorer surveying the landscape; sticking her head out from between some bushes, and emerging from inside like some kind of forest nymph.
“Is that enough? Can we go in the maze now?”
“That’ll do. We’ll get some more when we get to the center.”
The pathways through the maze were narrow, only allowing us to walk in single file, and if we had met anyone we would have had to squeeze past them. The narrowness allowed the designers to fit more paths through the maze than you might otherwise have imagined would fit on the deck of a cruise ship.
“It’s kind of creepy, isn’t it?” said Sam from behind me. “These hedges seem to block out a lot of the sound.”
She was right. Usually on the
ship you could hear the distant droning of the ship’s engines, the sea lapping against the side of the ship, and of course, always people, people, and more people. But the walls of the hedge were absorbing most of the sound. You’d need a scream or some other kind of loud noise to pierced through these living walls.
“Smells nice though, doesn’t it?” The fresh scent of the green shrubbery was a welcome change from the cleaning products of the passenger sections, the oil and metal of the service corridors and the ever-present background aroma of food around the restaurants.
We made a few wrong turns, of course, and had to double back on ourselves a number of times. Finally, I saw the bright light of an open area ahead of us.
“I think that’s it just ahead!”
“Are you sure it’s not another exit?” said Sam, grumbling. We’d already exited the maze a couple of times by mistake.
“Nope, I can see a fountain… and people.”
“Great. People.”
“Hello,” I called, as we entered the center of the maze. Just ahead of me was a long-haired man who I recognized right away, even though he was facing away from me. It was Jake again.
Slowly, he turned to face me. His face was ashen. “Hello,” he said quietly.
Sam brushed up beside me, her shoulder bumping mine. She nodded her head at Jake in greeting.
There was something wrong. Jake’s manner was cold and he seemed to be distracted by something, as if he wasn’t really with us. I grabbed Sam’s arm nervously.
Jake slowly, made a single large sidestep.
“Oh my—”
“What the…”
Jake pointed down with a long index finger. Now that he had stepped aside we could see what it was that had his face looking so pale.
There, at his feet, was a person. By the looks of things, a dead person. With a gulp, I took a couple of steps forward, dragging Sam along with me.
“It’s Geraldine,” I said, quietly.
“And she’s dead,” finished Sam.
My eyes flicked up toward Jake nervously. But he didn’t appear to pose a threat. He was just standing, mouth agape, face still pale.
Hand already reaching for the phone in my back pocket, I said, “I think I better call Ethan.”
Cruise Ship Cozy Mysteries 10 - Bed and Breakfast and Cruises Page 6
