Tess closed her eyes and felt her world cartwheeling out of control. “I—I’m glad you came, Pete. I’m as much at fault as you are for not trying to see you after our fight.”
“I’ll take the fall. A man should always come after his woman.”
Tess tried to smile, but it was wobbly. “You and your caveman ideas, Mallory.”
He grinned slightly, his knotted gut easing slightly. “Whether I’m macho or not, you’re more important than my pride, Tess.” He took a couple steps closer, suddenly hopeful that their relationship was still intact. “What’s in your hand there?”
She waved the orders toward him. “You’ll be happy about this.”
“Oh?” Pete came close enough to reach out and take the orders, not sure if she wanted him to sit down next to her.
Glumly, Tess handed him the papers. “Orders for the States. I’ve got two days to pack and catch a C-130 for Manila.”
Pete pretended to read the orders—but didn’t have to pretend how he felt about them. “Mind if I sit down?”
The terrible realization that she’d not see Pete for a long time after she got Stateside ripped through Tess. Patting the sand next to where she sat, she whispered, “I won’t bite you, I promise.”
With a slight grin, Pete sat down cross-legged opposite her, their knees nearly touching. Handing back her orders, Pete reached out and caressed her pale cheek. The evening sun’s hot rays hit his back, and the reflection of light off the water bathed Tess’s strained features. He was genuinely worried about her emotional state.
“I’ve been in hell since our fight in Saigon,” he admitted huskily. “At first, I was so damned frustrated I didn’t want to see you. Then, later—after I cooled down—I missed the hell out of you, Tess. I came over today to see if I couldn’t mend some fences.” His voice lowered with pain and indecision. “This is all new to me, this intimacy instead of running. You tell me if we have anything left to work with after that fight.”
Touched, Tess closed her eyes and drew in a ragged breath. She opened them and melted beneath Pete’s velvet gaze. “Just because we fight doesn’t mean it’s the end, Pete.”
“Whew, that’s good. It had me scared.”
Tess reached out and gripped his strong, warm hands. It was on the tip of her tongue to whisper just how much she’d come to love him over the past few months. “At least you ran toward me, not away from me this time.”
“So, we got nowhere to go but up? Is that it, honey?” His heart was pounding so hard it felt like a drum caught in the middle of his ribcage. His fingers tightened around Tess’s cool, damp hands.
She bowed her head, unable to meet his warm, hopeful eyes filled with so much of how he felt about her. “Right now,” Tess whispered unsteadily, “I feel like I’m in eight or ten disconnected pieces floating around, Pete. One piece of me feels this, another that. It’s a weird, uncomfortable state.”
His hands tightened around hers. Pete had to literally stop himself from begging Tess to seek counseling. What good would it do anyway? The medical world didn’t recognize what Vietnam was doing to so many who had to stay in this country. “Listen to me,” he whispered fiercely, catching and holding her tear-filled eyes.
“What?”
“When you get Stateside, you’ve got some R and R coming?”
“Yes. Thirty days.”
“Take it, Tess. Go home to the ranch, stay with Gib and get yourself stabilized.” He lifted his head and glared toward the green ribbon of jungle behind her. “This damn place has squeezed every good emotion you’ve ever owned out of you. It’s been all give and no take for you, Tess. You need to rest in a place where you feel safe…loved.”
His intensity rattled her. “I don’t even know if the homestead is where I feel safe, Pete. I—I just feel as if I’ve become completely disjointed—pulled apart.”
Anguish soared through Pete as he held her confused green gaze. Fear paralleled it, and he swallowed hard. “Look,” he began hoarsely, “these feelings you’ve got aren’t unusual, Tess. Plenty of guys who have been in the bush too long experience the same things. I’ve got a friend, an advisor, who went back Stateside, couldn’t handle society, and has disappeared into the mountains. I don’t know what the hell’s happened to him, or where he’s at. He didn’t have family, so he hid, I guess.”
Home. The word didn’t hold the magic it once had as Tess tested it against her muddle of confused emotions. Right now, Pete gave her stability. “Being with you helps me feel better,” Tess admitted.
“What we’ve got,” Pete told her, his voice cracking, “is good and real, Tess. Nam was the wrong place to meet—the wrong time—but I’m not sorry about it, and I hope you aren’t, either.”
She shook her head and held his narrowed gaze. “I’m not sorry, either. Isn’t it silly? I feel like a scared little girl inside. I feel safe around you, and now I’m going to lose you, too. I feel like I’m about to shatter, and if I do, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to pick up the pieces again.”
Alarmed Pete reached out and framed her face. “Listen to me, Tess. No matter how you feel, no matter how bad it gets at times, you just cling to the fact that you’re mine. When I get back to the real world in four months, I’m going to come hunting you down in earnest, honey. You’re mine. I’m yours. We just need time to explore what we’ve got under less dangerous circumstances. You hear me?” His heart twinged at the sight of tears streaming down Tess’s taut, washed-out features. How badly he wanted to tell her he loved her, but he knew it wasn’t the right time. It wouldn’t help matters; it probably would confuse Tess even more.
“Y-yes, I hear you….”
“Good. You need someone to help you pack? I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be alone right now.”
Tess agreed. As Pete helped her to her feet, she moved into his arms. He tightened his embrace, and she moaned softly, her arms going around his waist. She leaned heavily against his strong frame. In Pete’s arms, she felt safe, she felt as if she were going to make it.
“I’m so scared, Pete…so scared….”
He kissed her hair, her cheek, and finally her tear-bathed lips with all the tenderness he could find within himself. Her lips parted, and he tasted the salt of her tears. Her sweetness made him tremble, not with longing so much as an incredible realization that he loved her. For the first time in his life Pete understood what it meant to open up his heart, to become vulnerable and share unselfishly with another human being. As he gradually broke contact with her soft, pliant mouth and stared deeply into her dazed, frightened green eyes, he whispered, “I know you are, honey, and together we’ll get you through this. I promise.”
As Pete placed his arm around Tess’s shoulders and slowly walked her back toward her tent in the distance, a black fear snaked through him. How would Tess cope by herself? Had he helped or hurt her by getting her orders home? No, he warned himself savagely, Tess had to leave Nam, or it would end up killing her. Right now she was injured emotionally, not dead.
Tess needed a place to heal. If only she would go home to Texas and stay with Gib, it would be the ideal solution. Pete knew Tess would have only thirty days of leave before she had to move to Washington, but it was better than nothing. Mostly, he didn’t want to look closely at their having to say goodbye to each other less than forty-eight hours from now. His gut wrenched in agony.
*
Tess shivered, the cool predawn dampness chilling her as she stood with Pete in the cavernous confines of the C-130. The air force crew was just about ready to begin the preflight checklist that would take them first to the Philippines, then on to Hawaii, and, at last, to Travis Air Force Base north of San Francisco, their final destination.
“Look, get a lot of sleep on this flight,” Pete urged Tess, his arm around her slumped shoulders. Yesterday, she’d said goodbye to all the people of the three villages. Pete had gotten the time off to be with her, to help her through the wrenching rounds of tears and hugs. He’d give
n up the idea that the Vietnamese were primitive human beings at best. Tess had changed his mind over the months, and the farewell for Tess had been touching. The exchange of honest emotion hadn’t left Pete dry-eyed, either. His arm tightened around Tess.
“I will,” she whispered, and leaned her head tiredly against Pete’s shoulder. “I’m going to miss you.”
He groaned. “Honey, I’m going to pine away without you.” Kissing her hair, he added, “But I’m glad you’re going, Tess. You need to get out of here and reorient to the real world. I’ve got your ranch address and the address of your new office in D.C., so I’ll be writing.”
Tess nodded, feeling more tired than she could ever remember. “I didn’t think my heart could feel any more shredded than it did yesterday when I was telling everyone goodbye,” she admitted softly, looking up into his shadowed face, “but it does now.” Placing her hands on his broad, capable shoulders, Tess forced back a deluge of tears. “Saying goodbye to you is the hardest thing of all, Pete.”
He forced a smile he didn’t feel, and leaned down to capture her mouth. Their kiss was hot, passionate and filled with such promise. He felt Tess tremble and lean against him. Breaking the kiss, he whispered hoarsely, “I’ll be with you in dreams, Tess, you just remember that. I’ll write to you. And don’t look so worried—I’ll make it out of Nam in one piece.” He blinked back tears that jammed into his eyes. “Hey,” he joked weakly, “I’m the luckiest bastard in the world. I’ve got you to look forward to coming home to.”
“Hey, Captain,” the loadmaster sergeant called from the front of the aircraft, “we’re ready to get this bird off the ground.”
Fear clutched at Pete’s heart. His embrace tightened for a moment. “I gotta go, honey.”
Tess struggled to take in a ragged breath. “I shouldn’t feel like this, so torn up….”
“Sure you should. You’re leaving your guy behind.” Pete smiled uncertainly into her wounded-looking eyes. “Write to me as soon as you get settled. Promise?”
“P-promise…oh, Pete—” Tess threw her arms around him and buried her head against his shoulder.
The words I love you barely remained in his mouth. Pete held her hard, squeezing the breath out of her with his embrace. “Take care, honey. I want you well. I want you to rest.” Reluctantly he pulled away, his heart feeling as if it were being torn out of his chest. “I want you waiting for me when I get home. Promise?”
Tears blurred Tess’s vision as she clung to Pete’s strong, steadying arms. “I—I promise….” Why hadn’t he told her he loved her? She could sense Pete holding back. Blindly, Tess moved inside the aircraft. She’d been wrong about Pete, about the love she hoped would spring between them. He’d gotten her into bed, and that was all the further he wanted their relationship to go. Pressing her fist against her lips, Tess struggled not to sob as her world splintered around her.
Pete stood alone on the tarmac watching Tess move into the gloomy, cavernous hold of the C-130. He should have told her! But how could Tess love him if she knew he’d deceived her? Miserably, Pete turned away, tears stinging his eyes.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
What’s wrong with me? Tess blinked and stared down at the report in her hand. The cool air-conditioned comfort of her new office should have relaxed her, but it didn’t. She was chilled—as usual. With a frustrated sound, Tess threw the report on the desk. The door to her eighth-floor office was open, and outside it stretched the vast governmental secretarial pool.
Just as Tess reached for her sweater, a loud crash sounded outside her door. Gasping, Tess automatically winced and froze. Her heart pounded erratically, and she broke out into a heavy sweat.
Her mouth dry, Tess turned toward her open door. The mail boy had accidentally dropped a large, flat parcel on the floor. Gulping convulsively, Tess shut the door, then leaned against it, assailed with sudden dizziness.
What’s wrong with me? What’s going on?
The surge of adrenaline left her slowly, and Tess forced herself to move on wobbly knees to her chair. She sat down before she fell. With trembling hands, she touched her damp brow. Terror raced through her. She shut her eyes, feeling as if the entire world was slowly eroding out of her control. She sat back, opened her eyes and stared at the stack of field reports on her desk, begging to be read. Why did every little sound scare her so much? Why couldn’t she concentrate? Headaches plagued her constantly, sometimes forcing her to leave work a half day early or not come in until noon.
Tess thought about Pete, and felt less hysterical. Good, warm feelings flowed through her, easing the terrible fear that continuously held her in its grip. Pete. Oh God, if only you were here. I could talk to you. I could tell you about all of this….
Morosely, Tess looked around her neat, clean office. She’d never felt more unhappy. Gib had tried to talk her into coming to the ranch for her thirty-day leave, but she’d refused. Right now, Gib and Dany needed time to sort out their chaotic lives and settle into their marriage, she’d told him. Gib had reluctantly accepted her explanation. Tess hadn’t voiced her real reasons. Gib and Dany didn’t need her around. Gib was still adjusting to the loss of his foot, and Tess felt emotionally raw and unable to deal with her brother’s suffering.
Right now, Tess admitted, as she touched her blouse where her heart pounded, I can’t handle any more pain—my own, Gib’s or anyone else’s. What’s wrong with me?
*
“Haven’t you found Tess yet?” Pete couldn’t hide his raw emotional state from Gib at the other end of the phone. Three weeks after Tess had left Nam, he still hadn’t heard from her and he’d grown worried. Pete had contacted Adams, Tess’s supervisor, and had found that she’d been unable to adjust to the office job. One morning she had left a note on Adams’s desk, apologizing and saying that she couldn’t deal with anything, that she needed time off to rest. That message was the last Pete had heard. Now he was reduced to infrequent contact with Gib to try to find out where Tess had gone. In his heart Pete knew combat stress was making her run.
Wrangling some time off to fly into Saigon, Pete had managed to get an overseas connection to Gib at the ranch. His hand tightened around the phone as he waited for the hollow sound of Gib’s voice to answer his question.
“Pete, we haven’t been able to locate her.”
“Did you check back with Adams, her supervisor? Maybe she’s gone back there by now.”
“I called him a week ago, and she hadn’t shown up.” Gib’s voice sounded heavy with frustration and worry. “She’s just dropped off the face of the earth. We’re doing everything in our power to find her.”
“Dammit!” Rubbing his face tiredly, Pete said, “Hire a private investigator, Gib. I’ll pay half the costs. Tess must have gone somewhere to run and hide. She’s got battle fatigue.”
“Battle fatigue? But how…never mind, it doesn’t matter.” Gib’s voice was leaden. “Look, Dany and I are at the end of our rope. We’ve checked out all of Tess’s favorite places where she used to like to hike. Hiring a private investigator is a good idea. I’ll get right on it.”
“She needs help, Gib. Lots of help fast.”
“If we find her, I’ll have the Red Cross give you the message.”
“And if you don’t?” Pete wanted to cry. Not for himself, but for Tess. She was hiding, just as his other advisor friend had done.
Gib sighed. “Then I don’t know. All I can do is try, Pete. Once I recuperate from this injury, I’ll go after her myself, but God, she could be anywhere…anywhere in the world.”
Pete wouldn’t put it past Tess to try to sneak back into Vietnam under false pretenses just to be with her villagers, her old way of life, once again. If she did accomplish that, it would be the worst thing she could do. “I’ll wait to hear from you, Gib. I love Tess. Do you understand me? She loves me, too.”
“I know you do. No one wants to find her more than we do.”
“Okay…thanks. Goodbye.” Pete hung up the phone and sank ag
ainst the chair at the desk. From where he stood, he could see busy, polluted Saigon. A friend of his, an American importer, had loaned him his office to make the call to the States. Tears flooded into Pete’s eyes until, with a muffled sound, he forced them back and took a deep, shaky breath of air.
Pete realized a sense of helplessness he’d never before encountered. The past weeks without word from Tess had been hell, but it had helped him grow into a newfound emotional world where love did exist. Never had he loved anyone as he did Tess, and he was damned if he was going to lose her. Instinctively, Pete knew he could help her if he could find her, but he had almost four more months of duty to serve before he could leave.
Each day that went by without Gib finding Tess meant a greater possibility of Pete losing her—permanently. Gib knew Tess’s favorite Texas haunts. Could he find her? And if he didn’t, what could Pete do?
*
Mexico was going to be a haven of safety for her, Tess thought. It was the only choice that made logical sense to her in her upside down, turbulent world. Guilt and shame plagued her as she rode the bus headed for the Mexican border outside El Paso. Right across the Rio Grande sat Ciudad Juárez. Working with the poor was the only thing she knew that gave her any sense of safety and stability from the fear that plagued her.
Clenching her fist in her lap, Tess knew she had to get back to a world she loved. She was no stranger to the suffering of Mexico’s masses, who left their meager farms in hope of finding a better way of life in the city. But the farmers and their huge, impoverished families often ended up even worse off as a result of their move.
Tess stared blindly out the bus window. She knew she could help people caught in the vise of poverty; that was what her life had been comprised of for years. She’d help Mexico’s poor, just as she’d helped the villagers of South Vietnam. God, how she missed her people! The memory of them was the only thing that gave her solace, that gave her steadiness in her otherwise out-of-control world. She had to help the poor improve their lot in life.
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