“Logan?” she called out as she stepped through the door. It took a second for her eyes to adjust to the difference in light, but then she saw him. His jacket was hung on a hook on a beam and he was mopping the floor of a stall with such force that beads of sweat were pouring down the sides of his face. His shirt was soaked.
Poppy slowly walked toward him. He didn’t stop working until she was standing just in front of him. He slammed the mop into the bucket and dragged it over to the next stall, pausing for a second before acknowledging she was even there.
“Talk to me, Logan.”
“I’m no good right now, Poppy,” he said. Such pain. In every move he made, she could see it, feel it.
“I understand how you feel.”
He looked at her as if she were crazy. “How could you? I’ve spent the entire time I was married to Kelly beating myself up because I thought I’d saddled her with a loveless marriage. I couldn’t be the husband she wanted. She was so good and so determined and she loved me. She told me all the time. And every time she did it made me want to work harder to give her what she deserved. And I beat myself up because I knew I could never give her what she truly wanted. And now I find… You just don’t understand, Poppy. She lied to both of us, but for me it was different.”
“I understand more than you know, Logan. I’ve had a year to come to grips with all that happened. You’ve only just found out the life you lived was a lie.”
“That’s just it, it wasn’t. Not all of it.”
Shocked, she had to steady herself against the wooden rail to keep from falling.
“Kelly and I might have gotten together for all the wrong reasons. But we stayed together for the right reason. Keith. I could have left her before that. Neither one of us were happy. But after Keith was born, it was like we had a purpose. And we were both okay with that. It wasn’t just Kelly’s fault. Hawk was right. I became numb to what I wanted, to being that man full of passion and adventure that I was when I was younger. Now I’m thinking that man only existed when I was with you.”
“What are you saying?”
“I wasn’t in love with Kelly when I married her. That much was true. That hurts me probably as much as it hurt her. But not everything was bad. We were good together. And if she hadn’t gotten sick, if you hadn’t come back, we probably could have lived our whole lives content with that.”
“Is that all you want in life? To be content? What happened to the man I knew? You were there with me yesterday. Listen to yourself, please!”
“I did. Last night after you went back to bed I came out here and yelled at Kelly. Yelled at the sky. And then yelled at myself more. We started out a lie. The friendship, the trust I thought was there was a lie. It was bad for a long time, but in the end we became a family.”
His words were like a cold dagger to her heart. We became a family. And that family didn’t include her. It never did.
She cleared her throat and fought to hold back her tears. “So what was yesterday all about?”
His expression warmed and she waited to hear the words she so desperately needed to hear. That Logan was in love with her and had always been. That he would love her forever and that they would have many years of making love and playing in the sun as they had yesterday. He was so transparent with her, naked with emotion that it was hard to breathe.
“Yesterday was wonderful. It was a dream.”
Her mouth dropped open. “A dream? That’s it?”
“Do you ever wonder why we didn’t let ourselves take that next step while you were still here? Why didn’t we? You left and it became clear to me that I wanted you. And believe me, I wanted you with ever fiber of my being. Why didn’t we ever act on that?”
She didn’t have the answer to that, and it’s one she’d struggled with herself. “We were young, still figuring things out. Our friendship was everything and it grew. Just because we didn’t act on how we felt back then doesn’t mean what we felt wasn’t real. Everything about us, everything we did was full of passion.”
“Maybe what we had back then was all it was meant to be.”
She couldn’t breathe. What was he saying to her? “So was making love to me yesterday your way of finally getting me out of your system? Unfulfilled passion finally realized.”
The corner of his lips lifted to a bittersweet smile. “Passion. We always had that,” he said softly.
“That’s not all we had. Before Kelly—”
“What Kelly did was wrong, but it’s always going to be there, Poppy. I can’t wish it away without erasing everything that’s good in my life now.”
“Keith,” she said.”
“Lie or no lie, Keith is my life. Kelly will always be a part of my life because of him. Where do we go from here? How do you make something like that right without erasing the past? I can’t do that.
“Regret is a tough thing to live with. I should know. I’ve lived with it for a long time. I thought I’d gotten past it. Maybe I will again. But to die with it is even worse. You said you forgave Kelly. She never even gave me the chance. Don’t you see? You didn’t come back for me, Poppy. You came back because Kelly asked you to.”
She swallowed hard, trying to keep her emotion down. “Even now that Kelly is gone, she’s still standing between us.”
To his credit, Logan didn’t turn away.
“She’s still the one who is calling the shots and she’s not even here anymore. And I don’t know how I feel about any of it.”
Poppy cleared her throat before she dared to speak. “I guess that settles it. I've fulfilled my promise to Kelly. I came back like she wanted me to. Now you know the truth. I guess there’s nothing left to say. I’ll see about getting a flight out of Rapid City as soon as possible.”
She turned and walked out of the barn. Rounding the corner, she placed a hand on the barn door and listened, waiting. She drew in a slow breath of cold March air. Nothing. Logan hadn't said another word. And he didn't come after her. Again. It was more than clear to Poppy now that Kelly had been wrong all along.
* * *
Logan so desperately wanted to run to Poppy. And yet, he wished to God she’d never come back to Rudolph. Having her leave this time hurt worse than it did all those years ago. At least then he’d had hope.
He couldn’t reconcile his feelings about what Kelly had done. He only knew that deep down, his feelings for Poppy had never changed. He knew that now. And worst of all, Kelly knew it.
I never had a miscarriage after we were married because I was never pregnant in the first place. I lied to you because I loved you so much and I thought I was going to lose you forever.
The anger Logan felt inside was consuming. Anger for what Kelly did and anger with himself for not seeing it.
I thought if I could just get pregnant, we’d be a family and you’d stay. I thought I loved enough for both of us. I was wrong. It wasn’t fair to you. I knew you weren’t happy and that only made it harder for me to tell you the truth. I’m so sorry. I hope in time you won’t hate me.
He didn’t hate Kelly. He had loved her, but she was right. He’d never truly been in love with Kelly. Not the way he should have been. He’d worked so hard to make her happy, thinking that would be enough. But now he knew for sure he’d failed only because he’d known for the first time what true happiness was yesterday when he’d been with Poppy. And Kelly had known all along.
Even now all I have to do is mention Poppy’s name and I can see it in your eyes. You love her. You’ve always loved her. And a big part of you wished you’d married her instead of me.
Guilt ate at him to the very core. Kelly had settled for less than she deserved. And he’d settled too. He couldn’t be angry with her about that either any more than he could wish Kelly hadn’t done what she’d done. He wouldn’t have his son otherwise.
Where did that leave Poppy? Kelly had betrayed her, too. And every single day Keith would be a reminder of Kelly and how she’d betrayed her best friend. How could he saddle P
oppy with that? How could they ever get past that betrayal and have a future? He couldn’t even wrap his mind around it even knowing he wouldn’t change a thing if it meant he wouldn’t have Keith.
Yesterday had been amazing, a gift from God. Logan had dreamed of loving Poppy for more years than he wanted to admit. That was something he’d hold onto for the rest of his life. And now she was leaving.
The sound of the truck horn beeping as it came up the driveway startled him. It was only then that he realized he’d been crying. He wiped his face and took a few deep breaths to collect himself before walking out of the barn. The cold air hit him hard and he welcomed it. At least he wasn’t numb. He didn’t want Poppy to leave. But the little guy who was smiling at him from the truck was the only thing that was going to ground him right now and he needed that in order to move ahead.
“Hi, Daddy!” he heard Keith say with excitement from the back seat of his mom’s truck.
Kate McKinnon’s concerned look gave him pause until he turned to see Poppy dragging her suitcase through the doorway while trying to keep the screen door from closing back on her. Kate rolled down the window as the truck stopped. “Now what did you do?”
“What makes you think I did something?” he said, opening the back door and undoing Keith’s booster seat.
“There’s no way Poppy Ericksen would be carrying that suitcase out the door otherwise.”
Logan pulled Keith into his arms and gave him a squeeze before placing him down on the ground. Keith immediately saw Poppy and ran over to her.
“I’m going to need Donna to come out and watch Keith while I do some work. I need to finish disinfecting the barn floor and let it dry out before I can put the horses back inside. Can you spare her tomorrow?”
“We’re pretty busy at the diner. More people coming into town means more people to feed. Maybe Donna can watch Keith and Alex together again. They’d played good yesterday.”
“Yeah, sure,” he said, grabbing Keith’s backpack of clothes and toys, then slamming the door shut.
“What’s going on?” Kate asked.
“Nothing.”
“Don’t nothing me. You and Ethan always thought you were getting something over on me and I always knew when you were up to no good.”
“She’s going back to New York.”
With a raised eyebrow, Kate said, “That’s all?”
“Yeah.”
“Then why is she crying?”
Logan turned quickly just as Keith launched himself into Poppy’s open arms. He didn’t have to be close to see it was true. Or to know that he’d been the one to cause her tears this time, not Kelly.
* * *
“Auntie Poppy, do you have a hurt?” Keith asked, his face serious as he hugged her.
Poppy reached down to give Keith a hug that warmed her heart. This little guy was so open hearted and so sensitive. The last thing she wanted to do was burden him with worry.
“A little one, but it’s all better now with this nice big hug.”
Keith smiled. “Grammie got me a new movie.”
“We’ll have to watch it together later,” Logan said, walking up to them. He looked at the suitcase, then at Poppy. “Say, Keith, why don’t you go into the house with Grammie and see if she can get that movie started on the TV.”
“Yeah! Come on, Grammie!” Keith called out as he quickly climbed up the stairs.
“I’m right behind you, sweetie.” His mother took Keith’s backpack from Logan’s hand and smiled at Poppy. “Why don’t you forget that bag and come on in the house. I’ll make you both some breakfast.”
Poppy didn’t say anything. Her jaw was tight as if she were holding back her emotion. To her credit, Kate didn’t press the issue. She left the decision up to Poppy. Instead she walked into the house jabbering to Keith about how he was getting big enough to help her unpack his clothes and toys from the back pack and put them away.
“When you said you were leaving, I didn’t think you meant right this second. What’s your hurry?” Logan said.
“I didn’t think prolonging this…whatever it is, was going to make things any easier. So why not just leave now. There’s got to be a flight leaving out of Rapid City this afternoon.”
“And if there isn’t?”
She lifted her chin. “I’m used to doing things myself, Logan. I didn’t have a partner to help me.”
“What do you want to do, hang around the airport all day and all night until there’s a flight?”
“If I have to.”
“That’s ridiculous. If you insist on leaving, at least make sure you have a flight before you take off. I mean, my mother is making pancakes and you know she’s not going to let you leave until you eat.”
“Logan.”
“I don’t want you leave. Not like this.” His admission surprised even him. The internal tug of war he’d been feeling all morning had him working hard just to break him somehow. And he didn’t even know why.
Poppy glanced back at the house and then at him. “I’ll have breakfast,” she conceded. “I need to say good-bye to Keith anyway. I don’t want him to think I’m just running off. He won’t understand. Let me just get the bag in my trunk.”
“I have it,” he said, grabbing the handle of her suitcase. His hand connected with hers and immediately felt like electric shock running through him. She lifted her gaze to him and he knew in an instant that she felt it too. But then just as she had on the day she arrived, she lifted her chin to him in challenge.
“I’ve got it,” she said, pulling at the suitcase as she turned to walk in the other direction. Not wanting to let go of the tiny connection he had with her, Logan hesitated before letting go. But as he did, Poppy pulled in the other direction harder than she needed to and lost her footing when he released the bag. She went crashing down to the ground, toppling over the suitcase as she tried to right herself.
With his heart in his throat, he ran to her side to help her up. “Are you alright?”
“I’m fine,” she said, slightly winded from the fall. Logan took both hands to help her to her feet. But as she put her weight down on her foot, it gave out and she slid to the ground again, wincing in pain.
“Where does it hurt?”
She closed her eyes. “My ankle. I stepped on this dried rut in the ground and my foot just turned.”
He heard the sound of the screen door opening and little feet jumping onto the porch. Logan turned and saw Kate standing on the porch with Keith, a worried look on her face.
“Is she okay?” Kate asked.
“Call Hawk,” he said.
“No, it’s fine,” Poppy said. “I’ll be fine.”
“Sure you will. And Hawk will confirm that when he gets here. We’ll put some ice on your ankle to keep the swelling down and just keep you off your feet.”
Bending over, he picked Poppy up in his arms and held her tight. “Put your arms around my neck.”
She did as she was told. Her face was incredibly close to his. He could feel her breath on his cheek, warming his skin against the cold wind.
“I didn’t do this on purpose, Logan.”
“It was an accident.”
“I can still leave.”
He climbed the porch and walked through the door as his mom held it open.
Keith looked up at Poppy with the same worried face Logan had seen many times before Kelly had died and Logan would have to carry her to bed.
“Auntie Poppy’s going to be fine, little man. She just needs to rest. Everything is going to be fine.”
And if he said it enough to himself, maybe he could will it to be true.
* * *
Keith snuggled up next to Poppy on the bed and looked at the stack of photos she’d brought with her to share with him. Hawk had come and gone and confirmed that Poppy’s ankle was a sprain and as long as she didn’t go dancing, there was no reason she couldn’t take a plane home to New York tomorrow. She had one more night in the old house and then she’d be gone.
Logan had spent the day working outside, so she chose to spend her last night there sharing memories of Kelly with Keith.
“That’s Mommy,” he said, quietly pointing to a picture of Kelly and Poppy when they were in high school.
“That’s right,” she said. “And that is me.”
It was one of the few pictures she had of just her and Kelly. Most all of the pictures she had were of her and Logan, or the three of them.
“Your mommy and daddy and me where always together back then.” Poppy pulled out another picture from the pile and handed it to Keith. “See? I think this was a picture your uncle Ethan took of us when we went to a carnival a couple of towns away.”
Keith giggled. “Daddy’s wearing a funny hat!”
“It’s a sombrero. He won it playing a carnival game. He does look a little goofy in it, doesn’t he?” They both laughed. She handed him another picture.
“Who’s this with Daddy and Uncle Ethan?” Keith said, pulling a picture out of the pile.
Poppy looked at the picture and smiled bittersweet. “That was your Uncle Wade.”
Keith frowned. “Did I meet him?”
“No, he…died before you were even born. He was your dad’s oldest brother.”
“Oh.” Keith already moved on to another picture of a water balloon fight they’d had in the parking lot of Kate’s diner. “Uncle Keith is all wet.”
“That’s because your dad soaked him with a big balloon filled with water.”
Keith giggled. “Daddy is wet, too.”
“We all were. See, here is another one.” She handed Keith another picture of the bunch of them; the McKinnon boys, Poppy, Kelly, Denny and his younger sister Maddie. They’d laughed a lot that day. Even though Kate had taken the picture of all of them, she was mad as hell about the spent balloons all over the parking lot and made them clean it all up.
Her Dakota Man (Book 1 - Dakota Hearts) Page 10
