An Old Flame

by Raquel Belle

  “You were really gonna put a star and garland on that tree and call it a day?” Joe laughed again, really cracking himself up.

  I shrugged. “It’s minimalist.” That made him laugh even harder. I grinned at Steph, who couldn’t keep a straight face by then either.

  We went on a two-hour long shopping trip. As soon as Steph saw the first bit of Christmas décor at Target, she was in the holiday spirit. When we got home she had Christmas music playing through the speakers and was ordering her dad and I around like we were her minions. The tree took an hour to decorate completely. When we were done, Steph curled up on the couch and smiled at it all lit up. Her smile made everything worth it.

  “How about some eggnog?” I asked.

  “And lunch?” Joe pointed out.

  “I’ll order delivery, so what about something Asian? Sushi?” I walked to the kitchen to mix some eggnog with the perfect bourbon and a little cinnamon. I filled three glasses and brought them out, carefully balancing them between my fingers. Joe stood up and took one of the glasses, so that I wouldn’t spill. Steph was staring at the TV but she looked lost in thought.

  “Here, Steph,” I said and handed her a glass. She startled and looked up at me, as if she barely noticed that I stepped into the room.

  “Oh, thanks,” she murmured and took the glass, immediately taking a sip. Her expression soured and she looked like she had the immediate urge to spit out the eggnog, but she forced herself to swallow.

  “What?” I asked. “Is it bad? Did I put too much bourbon?”

  “I think it’s good,” Joe said, “and sushi sounds alright, too.”

  “No, uh. I don’t really want sushi and … I’m just not up for eggnog,” Steph said. She put the glass on the coffee table. “I mean, you guys can get sushi, but I’ll order something else,” she added awkwardly. I stared at her for a second, and she turned her head to the TV and pretended that I wasn’t trying to figure her out. She was acting strange. Steph loved sushi, and she’d always been a sucker for eggnog come holiday time.

  “Alright …” I said slowly. I glanced at Joe, but he shrugged and shook his head. I sat next to Steph and pulled out my phone to go to the restaurant’s website. The place I usually ordered from was a few minutes away, and they were a gourmet Japanese restaurant that surprisingly had delivery drivers. I leaned towards Steph to show her the menu, but it’s as if she changed in under a minute. Her posture was stiff, and she leaned away from me a fraction.

  “I just wanted to show you the menu, babe,” I said, confused. Why was she being so distant all of a sudden?

  “Have you ordered from here before?” she asked me impatiently.

  “Yeah but mostly sushi or appetizers,” I said. “Steph, you okay?” I asked quietly.

  “I’m fine,” she snapped but didn’t raise her voice. It dawned on me then, that she could be going through that time of the month. I knew better than to insinuate or ask, though. I simply handed her the phone, and she took it to pick what she wanted. After Joe chose his food, and we sent the order in, I took Steph’s hand and she reluctantly got up and followed me into the kitchen.

  “Everything alright, babe?” I asked. Stephanie sighed, as if I’d asked her some horrible question. “Steph,” I said.

  “Mark, I’m fine. You don’t have to pull me aside like I’m five,” she said. Steph stepped in the direction of the living room, but I pulled her back. She put her hands on the counter and lowered her head in exasperation.

  Sometimes, when I was at a loss for what to do, my body took over, and my mind went on autopilot. I just blurted the first thing that came to my mouth. “Is there something we should talk about? Because Joe told me that there might be something you haven’t told me from a while back …?” I asked.

  Stephanie’s head popped up, she stared at me for a few seconds, her expression blank. “N-no. He had no business saying that to you. There’s nothing we need to talk about,” she said quickly. “Everything’s fine,” she added.

  “But, Steph, you’ve been acting weird,” I said.

  She threw her hands up, “Since when? Since a minute ago? Mark don’t be so sensitive,” she said.

  I rolled my eyes. “I’m not the one being sensitive.” Steph tilted her head to the side. Her aquamarine eyes looked more dark green than anything then. It was a scary look. I stayed silent, and she quietly walked around me to join her dad in the living room. I felt like I was fucking up somehow, and I didn’t know how the hell to make things right again. We were good, and I didn’t want us to implode so soon. Then again, it could just be a mood she’s in and an inconsequential fight. I rubbed my face and walked to the fridge to pour her a plain eggnog and brought it to her.

  Steph looked up when I offered it. “No alcohol this time,” I said. She took it and mumbled a “thanks,” that I barely heard. Steph was distant all afternoon. I was glad not to be the only one who noticed because Joe and I kept sharing confused glances. I hoped he would talk to her when they got home. They left before dinner.

  Joe was right, there was definitely something—most likely big—that Stephanie hadn’t told me about. Maybe it was affecting her, but I didn’t know.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Stephanie

  I woke up Sunday morning feeling as if an elephant was sitting on my chest. I didn’t know how the hell I was supposed to get through another day in limbo. I laid in bed, breathing evenly, trying to ease the anxiety I woke up with. I gave up after a couple minutes with no change and reached over to my night stand to grab my phone. I texted Leena. It was eight o’clock, and I didn’t want to wake her up with a phone call again if she was sleeping in.

  Leena called me a few seconds later. “Hey,” I answered.

  “How are you feeling today?” she asked.

  I sat up and got out of bed to go wash my face and change into something warm. I didn’t want to be in the house, and I really wanted to spend the day alone after yesterday’s near disaster.

  “Okay,” I lied. “Yesterday sucked though. I couldn’t hide how horrible I was feeling, Mark and Joe wanted to commit me, I’m sure of it.” I said. I flipped on my bathroom light and stood in front of the sink and mirror. I had shadows under my eyes as if I hadn’t slept, which I hadn’t—I kept waking myself up out of nightmares. My hair looked flat and dull, the usually auburn looked plain brown to me, and my eyes were dim as if someone had just died, and I was depressed. I groaned. “I need to get it together.”

  “You want me to come over? Want to hang out?” she asked.

  “I don’t know … I just kinda feel like being alone today. I’m gonna get out of the house though. I just … need space to feel crappy, I guess,” I said and turned on the faucet. I put Leena on speaker and set the phone down.

  “I just don’t get why you’re taking this possible news so hard, Steph,” Leena said. “I feel like you’re going nuts over nothing,” she said, not unkindly.

  “Hold on.” I washed my face, wondering if it was guilt or something that was coming back to bite me. I’d hidden the miscarriage from Mark, and it felt like I was about to go through it again, and there I was being tight-lipped again. It’s as if my emotions were revolting.

  “I just don’t think you can carry all of that by yourself anymore. You should tell Mark,” Leena said, echoing my thoughts.

  I sighed and grabbed my face towel from the rack below the sink. “I’ve kept it a secret for too long. How do you think he’s going to take that? Then what if I am pregnant on top of that?” I picked up my toothbrush and put toothpaste on it.

  “Alright, Steph. You have to stop marinating in this stress. It’s not good for you. Come over, and we’ll go out. We’ll shop for Christmas stuff. I need some new decorations for my place,” Leena said.

  “What about your guy? Aren’t you spending time with him?” I asked.

  “He went home,” she said, but I was sure that she was lying.

  “Leena, no. It’s okay, really,” I said.

  “I’
m insisting,” she answered in a resolute tone. “I’m coming to pick you up. Call Mark, and tell him to entertain your dad for the day or something,” she said. “I’ll be there in an hour to get you.” Leena hung up before I could get another word in. I didn’t deserve her and of course, then I felt extra guilt for making her take care of me through this situation again. Part of me wanted to just tell Mark, unload the burden a bit and deal with the repercussions as they came. If he really loved me, then we could work it out, right?

  I brushed my teeth and combed my hair into a ponytail after getting dressed. When I stepped out into the living room, I saw that my dad was out on the balcony, having his coffee. The heater made a near constant stream of fog that drifted over the balcony’s railing. I opened the sliding door and poked my head out.

  “Hey, morning,” Joe said. He smiled and waved for me to join him. I stepped outside but didn’t sit down.

  “It kinda looks like you’re in a cloud out here,” I said. Even though the heater was on full blast, it was still a bit icy on the balcony.

  “The coffee is keeping me warm. You should grab yourself a cup, enjoy the morning air. It’s the best kind,” he said.

  “I can’t. Leena is coming to get me soon. I just wanted to see what you might want to do today?”

  Joe waved his hand at me. “It’s Sunday—my day of rest. I’m fine reading a book, going for a walk later, and just relaxing.”

  “Are you sure?” I asked.

  He waved away my concern. “As long as there’s food here, I’m fine,” he said. I nodded. Joe stood up and surprised me by pulling me into a hug. I almost started crying. If Joe was hugging me without any preamble, I must’ve looked as miserable as I felt.

  “What’s this for?” I asked him. If I didn’t talk my way through the emotions pushing up from my chest, I was going to break down in tears.

  “I can’t hug my daughter just because I want to?” he said gruffly. Joe pulled back and stepped inside, grumbling to himself. I smiled fondly at his back and followed him inside. I drank tea and had a slice of toast with butter, but my appetite was still on the fritz. Leena called me when she was downstairs. I told Joe to call me if he needed anything then hurried downstairs to escape the apartment.

  Leena idled outside of the building. When I got in, she stretched over the middle console to give me a tight hug. “Feeling any better?” she asked me.

  I shrugged and put my seatbelt on. “I feel the same, I think, I don’t know,” I sighed and stared at the road. There wasn’t too much traffic out. “Where are we going?”

  “Food? Then maybe we can go for a walk on one of the trails?” she suggested.

  “Nah, it’s way too cold,” I said. Leena pulled into traffic and bit her lip while she thought of something else we could do.

  “How about a movie?” I suggested. Watching something would help me turn my mind off and all the worry that came with thinking.

  “Actually, that’s not a bad idea at all,” Leena said.

  My phone rang, and I answered it right away, thinking it was Joe. “Did you need something?” I said.

  “Uh, yeah, you?” Mark said.

  “Oh, I thought you were Joe,” I said.

  “I’m with him. I came to your place with some stuff for you, but Joe said you went out with Leena. You gonna be out all day?” he asked.

  “Yeah, most likely,” I said haltingly. Mark didn’t respond immediately, and the line went quiet for a while.

  “Okay, so when will I see you again?” he asked.

  “I don’t know, Mark. I’ll call you,” I said, exasperated and hung up on him. I glanced at Leena. Her lips were pursed, and her eyebrows were raised.

  “You have to talk to him, Steph. You guys are back together. He’s your boyfriend, and you shouldn’t hide this. I really think it’s time,” she said.

  “Leena, it’s easier said than done,” I said. I didn’t want to talk about that stuff anymore, so I pulled up the current movies that were playing and started listing out times.

  ***

  Leena dropped me at home around nine. We had a full day, and after the movie we did a little shopping and then had dinner out again. After dinner, it dawned on me that I had to make an actual budget for Christmas shopping. Mark was the billionaire and could spend as he pleased, but I definitely wasn’t.

  I unlocked my front door and stumbled inside over the bags I held, one with my leftovers from dinner and the other with my earlier shopping. I heard male voices coming from the kitchen, and I steeled myself for fielding questions.

  “Steph?” Mark called. He stepped into view. His hair was shorter, and he wore a form-fitting blue sweater and jeans.

  I smiled at him. “Hey,” I said. I realized he was looking at me with concern in his green eyes.

  “How was your day with Leena?” he asked. I thought he was going to launch into a bunch of questions to try and figure out what was up. I was glad that he didn’t.

  “It was good. We ate a lot, caught a movie, and went shopping,” I said. “Feel like I need to go on a jog soon after all this eating out we’ve been doing.” I kicked off my boots and hung up my coat. Mark picked up my bags for me and brought them into the kitchen. Joe was cleaning up the stove for some reason. “Did you guys burn something?” I asked.

  “No we didn’t,” Joe said quickly, which led me to believe that they likely did have a mishap. At least the apartment didn’t smell like smoke.

  “Okay, that’s not suspicious sounding at all,” I teased. I grabbed the shopping bag and walked to my room, completely oblivious to Mark following me until I almost closed the door in his face. “Sheesh!” I said, my heart beat faster with the startle.

  “Sorry,” Mark said. I took a deep breath.

  “Mark, everything’s fine. I just need a little alone time, okay?” I said. I didn’t snap at him, and I tried to keep the impatience from my voice, but I could tell he wanted to get to the bottom of what was going on with me.

  “I’ll give you all the alone time you need as long as you can assure me that everything is alright,” he said. “Talk to me, please.” Mark stepped into my bedroom with me and shut the door behind him. I stifled my sigh and took the bag from him. I walked to the bed and sat down, not sure of what else to do.

  “Do you want me to make something up, Mark?” I said, my voice tired.

  “No, you don’t have to make anything up. Just tell me the truth, Steph. I know you, and I know something is wrong. What I don’t know is why you don’t think you can talk to me about it,” he said.

  “Mark, I don’t know what to tell you. I don’t have any answers for you. I’m just in a mood. It comes and goes, so please drop it,” I said. My patience was running thin, especially as I couldn’t figure out what else to tell him, much less what excuse he might buy.

  “But, Steph, if you’d just open up—”

  “Mark just fucking drop it!” I shook my head and gestured to the door. “Leave me alone.” He looked like a scolded puppy but didn’t say anything else. He just turned around and left quietly. I flopped back and pulled a pillow over my face, wanting to scream into it, but I just cried instead.

  I fell asleep eventually and woke up in the dark, completely disoriented and too warm. I realized Mark was lying next to me, the stubborn idiot. My heart squeezed painfully and for a second, I felt as if I didn’t deserve him. He certainly didn’t deserve me acting the way that I was. Gingerly, I got out of bed and changed into pajamas then laid down next to him again. Mark was in such deep sleep, that he hadn’t budged. It felt like I’d dug a huge chasm between us overnight and, for the life of me, I didn’t know how to cross it.

  ***

  I tried not to think about the fact that it was Monday. When the sun came up, I’d get the results and either my life would be the same after a little explaining to Mark, or it would change forever, honestly. All the anxiety I’d been feeling made for quick and heavy sleep.

  “Steph, Steph your phone keeps ringing,” Mark ge
ntly shook me awake. “They called twice now,” he said. He handed me my cell, and I sat up, bleary eyed and disoriented. He pushed my shoulder so that I wouldn’t fall forward onto the bed. “Easy,” he said. I didn’t know what made me so dizzy. The phone rang again, and I recognized the first few numbers after the area code. My blood went cold, and I quickly got out of bed to answer the call. I walked out to the living room. My dad wasn’t up yet, so I slipped onto the freezing balcony. My t-shirt and sleeping shorts were no match whatsoever for the cold.

  “Hello?” I finally hit the answer button and dashed to the heater to turn it on. I stood directly in front of it.

  “Stephanie, hi. I wanted to get you on the phone before I got too busy with patients,” Dr. Chen said apologetically.

  “No, that’s okay. I’m glad you kept calling,” I said.

  “So the results came back—they were expedited,” she said. I glanced at the balcony door and saw Mark standing in front of it, watching me with concern in his sleepy expression. He had on a pair of pajama pants, and that’s it. I wondered if he had brought an overnight bag that I’d been oblivious to. I pressed my hand to my chest, and my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my ribcage and onto the floor. “Please, sit if you aren’t already,” she said gently. With that, I knew it. I swayed forward, but I did as she said and sat on one of the patio chairs.

  “So I’m pregnant?” I asked.

  “Yes, you’re two weeks pregnant,” she said. I blinked, doe-like, and stared at the grey sky unseeingly. “I’m going to text you a specific brand of pre-natal vitamins that you need to start taking today,” she said.

  “Okay,” I responded slowly, as if waiting for the other shoe to drop.

  “Steph, you’re at a higher-risk for early term miscarriage, so I want you to be as stress- free as you possibly can for at least the first three months of this pregnancy,” she said.

  “I can … I can do that,” I said. I felt like I was going to vomit, and it wasn’t a vague stress induced nausea. My stomach started to heave.