by Raquel Belle
“I still want you to come in and see me tomorrow so that we can talk a little more in depth and discuss what you should expect in the next month or so,” she said. “If you feel any cramping, Steph, go straight to the hospital and have them call my emergency line,” Dr. Chen said.
“Okay,” I said, sounding like an unsure kid. “Thank you, Dr. Chen,” I said faintly. I had to get off of the phone with her because I was going to puke. I ran inside.
“Steph, whoa, Steph, what’s wrong? Who was that?” Mark hurried after me. He knelt beside me in the bathroom, quickly catching on to what was going to happen, and he held my hair back, while I threw up the contents of my stomach. Mark was silent. He didn’t say anything, until I finished washing out my mouth and brushing my teeth.
“You’re scaring me,” was all he said. Mark leaned against the sink counter and crossed his arms over his chest.
“I… um …” I pressed a hand to my forehead and took a deep breath. I didn’t know which part to tell him first. “I was pregnant when we broke up,” I said. Mark’s expression hadn’t changed. He didn’t even move, as if he’d stopped breathing. “I miscarried right after,” I said. “I found out that I was pregnant before you guys went to California, and I wanted to give you more good news when you came back. But all of that happened and then … I just lost the baby, and we were over, I felt like I didn’t owe you anything,” I said.
“Stephanie,” he whispered, he sounded like he was in disbelief. He dropped his arms, and I watched as his hands clenched into fists and relaxed a few times.
“I’m pregnant again. Two weeks … so, now the doctor is classifying me as having a higher risk for miscarriage,” I choked out.
“Stephanie, why didn’t you—why have you never told me?” he yelled, and the words exploded out of his chest, and I jumped at how suddenly angry he was. In all my time knowing him, I’d never seen him react that way. “And you were going to keep another baby from me?” he said. “What’s wrong with you? All this time, and you’ve been keeping something like that from me? Didn’t you think I’d want to know?” Mark started to pace around the small bathroom. “And now what? How am I supposed to help you? How am I supposed to know what to do?” He shook his head and then left the bathroom in a few long strides. I heard a bag angrily unzip in the bedroom. I stepped out, watching him change and pack his clothes with an odd detachment.
“Mark, I—”
“Don’t, Stephanie. I can’t talk to you right now,” he said. I didn’t really know what to say anyway. So I just let him go. When I heard the front door close, my body flushed hot and cold with dread and a haunting sense of déjà vu filled me. I put my hand over my belly for the first time, hoping to keep the little guy or girl inside.
Chapter Nineteen
Mark
My head felt loud. Like, screaming metal, loud as I walked through the cold to my car. My coat was gripped in my fist, my bag slung over my shoulder. I almost left the apartment without putting shoes on. The echo of her words kept bouncing around in my head, making me angrier by the second. I opened my car door and threw my stuff inside before getting into the driver’s seat. I slammed the door. My hands tightened around the wheel, and I took a deep breath. She had been pregnant, and she never told me. She had a miscarriage, and she never told me.
“What the fuck? Who does that?” I shouted to no one but myself. I pushed the engine button and quickly peeled out of the parking spot and Stephanie’s garage. I was in such a cloud of anger and disbelief that I didn’t realize my car was ringing until I was a block away from my house. Joe was calling me. I answered on a whim.
“Hey, Joe,” I said, my tone was more of a bark.
“What happened? Steph’s acting like a teen again. Won’t talk to me, won’t come out of her room,” he said. I shrugged, the movement felt callous but no one was around to see it.
“We had a fight,” I said.
“She told you then, didn’t she?” he asked.
“Joe, how could she keep something like that from me?” I pulled into my driveway finally and idled in front of the garage.
“I don’t know, Mark. It baffled me, too, but she was hurt back then. She was a lot younger than she is now,” he pointed out.
“But she still kept it from me and now … she’s pregnant again Joe, and she kept me out of everything. She didn’t tell me what was going on with her. She let me float in limbo like some idiot while she decided to deal with this monumental stuff on her own! It’s like she … it’s like she wants to be a single parent or something,” I said. I was venting, the words fell out of my mouth at rapid fire before I could think about them.
“Pregnant again?” Joe paused, I could practically hear his shock through the phone. He grunted, “I guess that’s how she was raised,” Joe said. “I always taught her to be strong, not to lean on any man for anything.” He took a deep breath. “Of course that means I never taught her when it was okay to lean on her partner when things got tough,” he said.
“No, no, no, Joe. You don’t have to take the blame. She kept it from me … she probably kept it from me because she thought I couldn’t handle it … or that I wouldn’t.” The realization made me feel like a child. I groaned and wiped my face with my hands. “I’ll talk to you later Joe,” I said.
“Just don’t overthink it, Mark. Step up for her,” he said. “For the baby,” he added. Joe hung up, and I sat in the car, feeling sort of like I’d just gotten beat up in the boxing ring.
“Fuck,” I breathed. I texted Neil to see if he wanted to go to the gym, then called my own dad and got out of the car. I didn’t even know if he was on land or on the ocean. Frank surprised me by actually answering the phone.
“Wow, an actual call from my living, breathing son!” He answered sarcastically enough that I almost smiled.
“I’m not the one who’s been living at sea for two years now. I don’t even know when I can call you guys anymore,” I said and rubbed my brow. I stepped inside and hurried upstairs to pack a bag for the gym. I’d go whether Neil could join me or not.
“You sound a little off,” he said. I heard the sound of waves crashing in the background. Wherever they were, it was in stark contrast to where I was.
“You guys stopping home anytime soon? How is mom?” I asked.
“She’s good, and she’s taking a swim right now. We’re in Florida, so thought we’d go condo shopping in Boca Raton. Your mom is set on buying a place down here,” he said.
“It’s sunny,” I said. “I heard it’s weird there too.”
Frank snorted. “Portland? Weird?” he said. “Do you miss us? We can catch a flight up to Seattle for the holidays. I know that house is way too big for just you.”
“Yeah, I … you know Stephanie and I got back together,” I said. I reached my bedroom and grabbed a fresh gym bag from the closet. I tossed in my gloves and wrapping for my hands, a towel, and change of shirt and sweatpants.
“What?” he said, his tone was excited. “How did that happen?”
“How did what happen, Frank? Who are you on the phone with?” I heard my mom’s voice clear as day through the phone. No matter how old she got, Daisy’s voice still sounded like a girl’s, and she had a great singing voice too.
“It’s your son, Daisy. He’s back with Stephanie.”
“Oh my god!” I heard a rustling sound and then my mom’s voice came through bright and clear. “Mark! Why didn’t you call to tell me I had my daughter-in-law back?” she exclaimed.
“Wow, hi, mom, nice to hear your voice after months and months,” I said.
“Oh hush, you know how to use a phone just as well as I do. Now spill, what happened?” I put my parents on speaker so that I could change into a sweatshirt and sweatpants.
“A lot happened … but um …” I sat down on the ottoman in front of my shoe rack and held the phone close to my mouth. “A lot happened,” I said again.
“Honey, what is it? Do we need to get plane tickets?” my mom asked.
>
“Yes we’re getting those already. It’s been too long since we were all together for Christmas,” Frank said.
“Stephanie is pregnant,” I said. The words felt alien to me. Entirely alien. “She said something about being at a high risk for miscarriage,” I added stoically. Both of my parents were stunned into complete silence. All I could hear were the waves.
“The baby is yours?” Daisy asked, puzzled.
“Yes, mom, the baby is mine. I—we—I may have reacted badly,” I said, “to the news,” I added.
“Oh my god,” Daisy sighed. “Mark, you have to make that right,” she said.
“Yeah, I know,” I mumbled.
“Plus, it’s Stephanie. You were head over heels for that girl,” Frank said.
“I still am …” I said. Even though I was angry that she basically lied to me for so long, that fact didn’t change.
“Don’t worry, we’re hopping on the first flight in to Seattle. Let’s go Frank,” Daisy said. “Mark we’ll see you in about seven to eight hours.”
“Daisy, the odds,” Frank said. I recognized their usual rhythm of banter. They’d go back and forth about flights until Frank realized that Daisy was right and always got what she wanted.
“I’ll see you guys,” I said.
“We love you honey,” Daisy said. We ended the call, and I grabbed my bag to head out again. Neil had texted me back, that he’d meet me at the gym in thirty minutes.
***
“I don’t know, man … my head’s all messed up,” I said after telling Neil everything. He’d been laying into a sandbag and had completely stopped after I said the word, pregnant.
“If I were you man …” Neil shook his head and jabbed the bag lightly. “I’d take a couple of days to clear my head. I mean, of course you’re gonna go back to her and make things right, but what good will that do if your delivery is all wrong?” Neil started punching the bag again. I never stopped hitting mine.
Neil was right. Knowing me, I’d make things worse if I went back to her right away. Plus, I was still angry, and I didn’t want to come from that anger, when I spoke to her again. I wanted to work through things, and I also wanted to be with her every step of the way, no matter what happened. My head just kept going back to the fact that she lied to me even after we were back together and good again. I wondered if what her dad said was really true. Did she feel like she should be strong enough to deal with something like that on her own?
The rest of the workout was mindless, other than thoughts of boxing. Neil and I did some sparring in the ring, and afterwards we took a breather on the bench behind it.
“How’s everything with you though? AA any good?” I asked. Neil took off his gloves and started to unwrap his hands.
“It’s cool when Jimmy comes with me. I have two meetings a week, and he comes to one. I think he might be hitting on this woman in there, too,” Neil chuckled. “I don’t see it turning out well, but you know Jimmy,” he added. Yeah, Jimmy could charm his way into any woman’s bed whether it was a good idea or not.
“That kid is gonna be cute, by the way,” Neil said randomly.
I smiled, imagining a little Stephanie, but then I frowned. If we had a girl, I’d have to get a bat or maybe a firearm to keep boys away. Then I wondered what the first baby would’ve been. My chest felt heavy. I stood up, ready to go home and work through everything. Neil was right, I had to process my emotions before I went back to Stephanie. I owed her a clear head, and I wanted to be genuine.
Chapter Twenty
Stephanie
My body felt heavy. It had been two days since Mark left, and I haven’t heard anything from him, not even a text. He just up and ghosted after I told him that I was pregnant.
“Steph, you gonna get up out of that chair?” Joe asked. He had pulled my reading chair out of my bedroom, so that I’d be forced to leave it. I sat in front of the sliding doors, staring at the neighborhood outside, and the sky that looked like it was covered in a white blanket.
“Dad, please … I just sat down,” I said. I gripped my mug of tea tightly in my hands and took a sip.
“Is Leena comin’ over today?” he asked.
“Dad, no. Stop calling her for every little thing. I’m fine,” I said, exasperated. But the words were such an obvious lie that tears instantly pricked my eyes. I felt as if my relationship with Mark was over again, and it was damn hard to keep the stress levels down every time I thought about having to raise a baby by myself—assuming I didn’t lose it. I rubbed the center of my chest, and then took another sip of tea.
“Steph, I know you may think things are bad right now, but I’m telling you, you’ve gotta give the man a little time to process. He’s coming back. He knows that you’re pregnant, and he wouldn’t just up and leave,” Joe said. He gripped the back of my chair and turned it towards the TV and small fireplace. “How about we watch that show you like? Friends isn’t it?”
“Wow, Dad, you must be really worried if you’re willing to watch Friends with me,” I said.
He shrugged. “If your mother were still here, she’d know what to do or say to make things better. Me? I’m all out of ideas, Steph. Just have faith in him,” he said honestly. Joe kissed the top of my head and sat down on the couch. I wanted to have faith in Mark. I’d bet on him for literally anything else, but with this there was no frame of reference. I told him I was pregnant—granted after admitting another bombshell—and he left. He freaked out, and he left. If that’s what I had to go on, then I wasn’t hopeful he’d come back with flowers and some huge apology speech.
Again, I found myself amazed at how little I knew Mark. He had these sides to him that I would have never thought to anticipate. Before he cheated, never in a million years did I think he’d do it and now ... I knew he’d be upset about the miscarriage news, but I didn’t think he’d disappear even after I told him that I was pregnant.
My stomach clenched, and I thought that I was going to throw up. I stood and walked towards my bedroom. But when another cramp came, I realized it wasn’t my stomach. It felt like period cramps. Memories of my first miscarriage came flooding back.
“Dad, dad, we have to go,” I said, unable to keep the panic from my voice.
“Go where, what’s wrong?” he asked. Joe was at my side in a second. He put a hand on my back and held my hand while guiding me towards the door. Joe grabbed my car keys and quickly put on his boots and coat. I did the same and grabbed my wallet, my phone was somewhere in the apartment and there was no time to look for it.
“What’s happening, Steph, talk to me,” my dad said.
“I’m having cramps,” I said. “My doctor told me to go to the hospital if I started having cramps.” Another one came, and I took a deep breath, trying not to think of the worst. Joe and I got to the car quickly, and I told him how to get to the hospital. The ER wasn’t too busy, but I worried that I’d have to wait to be seen. But when I told the people at the front desk why I came in, they took me back right away. Joe never left my side as they brought out a wheelchair and rolled me to an ER room. I laid down on the hospital bed, and Joe stood in the corner of the room, with his arms crossed over his chest.
“So, you said that you’ve been having some cramping, Ms. Renner?” the nurse asked. She secured a blood pressure cuff around my arm and pressed a button on the pump to get it started.
“Yeah, I had a couple of cramps like fifteen minutes ago?” I said.
“How badly do they hurt?” she asked while writing things down. There was a knock on the glass that enclosed the room. I was surprised to see Dr. Chen.
“Steph, I’m glad I was on the floor,” Dr. Chen said as she stepped inside. “What’s going on?”
“Cramping,” I said. “On a scale of one to ten, it was like a four?”
“Okay, we’ll order an ultrasound for you, and see what’s going on. As long as the cramps don’t feel like last time I think we might be okay,” Dr. Chen said.
“They aren’t as s
harp,” I said. She nodded and stepped out of the room while the nurse finished taking my vitals.
“I texted Mark,” Joe said once we were alone.
“What?” I said, louder than I meant to. My dad gave me a hard, blue-eyed stare. I knew better than to say anything else. Of course he called Mark. Mark was the baby’s father, and what was happening concerned the baby.
“The two of you need to get over yourselves for my future granddaughter or grandson in there,” Joe said. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. Never in a million years did I think I’d end up in such a situation. Dr. Chen came back to the room after a few minutes.
“Okay, I’ve scheduled the transvaginal ultrasound. The room is being used and has two patients in queue ahead of you. So we’ll be here for a little while,” she explained.
“Will you be doing the ultrasound?” I asked.
She nodded. “You’re my last patient in the ER, unless someone else comes in before the other OB gets here,” she said. “The hospital has been short-staffed of OBGYNs since the beginning of the month. Anyway, hang in there, Steph, and just try and relax until we can be sure that everything is fine.” Dr. Chen squeezed my hand before she left. I sighed in a bit of relief. Her calm handle on things made me feel a little better. Joe sat down on one of the chairs in the room. I turned the TV volume up for him to watch the news while we waited.
Mark jogged into the ER nearly ten minutes later. I saw him pass room by room until he saw me through the glass and burst in. “What’s wrong? What happened?” His wavy hair was disheveled. He wore a long pea coat and a white button-up with a black tie and slacks. I wondered where he’d been. Mark cupped his hand around my neck and looked me over. He was breathing hard, and his eyes were wide with worry.
“I’m okay, Mark,” I said in a low voice. “I just had some cramping, and they’re going to do an ultrasound to make sure the baby is okay,” I said.
