by Zara Zenia
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a familiar shape. Broad shoulders, biceps that stretched out the shirt sleeves, and a slim waist. I felt like I knew that body, like I had it committed to my memory.
From the back, he almost looked like Elijah. However, this bartender had longer hair. An army man through and through, I couldn’t imagine Elijah changing his style.
The bartender came back to ask if I wanted another drink.
“Maybe in a minute,” I said politely. “By the way, does anyone named Elijah work here?”
“Hmm, the name doesn’t ring a bell,” he said.
I let out a long exhale. I knew it.
I twirled the ice in my glass with the straw and sucked the remaining sips of cranberry juice.
I was about to leave and go to bed when he turned the corner. He looked different, but it was unmistakably Elijah.
My mouth gaped open. I was completely speechless.
For months, I had rehearsed the perfect speech to give him the moment I saw him. I wanted him to know exactly how I felt about him. I worked through different ways to break the news of our child to him, choosing to calmly tell him that I was expecting, and that he could take it or leave it. For months, I imagined this moment.
The second I saw him, all planning went out the window.
“Elijah?” I breathed.
He came closer, the same shocked look on his face.
“Shh,” he said gently. “I go by James here.”
That was a question for another day. I also wanted to ask about his slight change in appearance.
“I almost didn’t recognize you.”
“Yeah, I wanted a fresh start. I recognized you immediately. I just didn’t expect to see you here.”
“I can’t believe I found you.”
He smiled. “I’m so happy to see you.”
He said this like it was a surprise to him to feel this way. I guess he hadn’t been thinking of me like I was thinking about him.
“Let me get you a drink,” he offered. “Anything you want.”
“I just want some water,” I said.
He gave me a suspicious glance and poured me an ice cold glass of water. I chugged it and wiped the condensation from the glass on my leggings. I was sweating pretty badly in this stifling club.
“We need to talk,” I said, stating the obvious.
He nodded in agreement.
“I work late, and I don’t always know when I’m going to be home. Can you come back to the city tomorrow?”
“I’m staying in a hotel. I can come back at any time.” I wasn’t ready to explain my new situation. If he thought his life was bad, he should take a peek at what I was dealing with at the moment.
He reached for a cocktail napkin and pen. After carefully writing on the flimsy napkin, he pressed it into my hand.
“Here’s my address. Come by tomorrow around eleven or twelve. I know I left without saying goodbye, and I know that you came here for an explanation. I’ll give it to you then.”
He was half right.
People were piling up against the bar. I knew this was my cue to leave.
“I’m really glad I found you... James.” The name felt weird on my tongue.
“Me too.”
When I left the club, I paused to take a few deep breaths of the cool night air. It still felt like I dream. I was sure that I would wake up in my bed at my parents’ house, still compiling lists of places he might be.
I checked the clock back at my hotel room. I felt absolutely drained, but I didn’t want to wait another twelve hours to talk to him again. What would I discover when I went to his address in the morning? Would I find an empty place that looked like he took off in the middle of the night?
Sticky with sweat, I drew a cool bath in the hotel’s extra deep tub. Seeing Elijah was a major shock, and I needed to come back to reality.
I reviewed my major talking points again. I had to express all of the things I felt when I found out he was gone. Shock, anger, fear, guilt, sadness. I needed to tell him that I was carrying his child, and I was going to raise it, with or without him. Mostly, I just needed closure. If he doesn’t want anything to do with the child, or me I needed to hear it from him. When I knew these things, only then could I move on with my life. If he wanted to explain why he did the things he did, that would only be an added bonus.
I tried to separate the things I wanted to hear with the things I needed to hear. I wanted to hear that he had feelings for me and that he was sorry he left without saying goodbye. I wanted him to say that he wanted to be part of our baby’s life. I wanted him to say that he would never leave like that again.
What I needed to hear was completely different. I needed him to tell me that he was safe. I was worried that he had done something to make enemies in the army, and I didn’t want any harm to come to him. I also needed him to tell me if he had any intention of having a relationship with me. Specifically, a relationship that was more than casual sex, and running off to a different city without notice.
I got out of the bath and wrapped a scratchy bathrobe around me. Eleven more hours until I could get all of this off my chest. I already knew I wouldn’t sleep well, but I crawled under the covers and decided to give it a shot anyway.
Chapter 16
Elijah
Seeing Dana at my bar was like seeing a ghost. There had been so many nights where I saw a tiny blonde from behind the bar and thought it was her. Maybe my subconscious wanted it to be her. I always felt a little disappointed when they turned around and revealed themselves to be complete strangers.
I felt guilty that she took the trouble to come looking for me. I also felt terrible that I left without any explanation. I knew that I owed her that.
Just the fact that she was able to find me made me uneasy. If a girl that I frequently hooked up with could locate me and see through my disguise and fake name, then a powerful government organization definitely could.
I thought about running once my shift ended. I could go back to my apartment, gather my things, and find the next city for me to hide. I had more money this time. I might even have enough to take off to another country. I would have to find one where my money was worth more, but I could do it. If I could survive the war, I could survive life in a third-world country.
I wasn’t just concerned about my safety, either. If Dana knew enough about me to find me, then she wasn’t safe either. She definitely wasn’t safe if she had feelings for me. The Organization would use her as a pawn. I don’t know what I would do if they ever held her hostage in exchange for me. I would want to do whatever I could to save her, but I also had to worry about myself. I didn’t want to think about that.
It was hard to focus on my work when I knew that there were just hours separating me from being alone with Dana again. I kept messing up drink orders and spilling things on the bar. At my lowest point, I ended up having to make some guy’s Old Fashioned three times because I kept forgetting one ingredient or another.
I saw the manager approach me after I comped my third drink order that I screwed up.
“I’m so sorry,” I said. “I don’t know what has gotten into me.”
I did, though. Seeing Dana here really rattled me.
“You look distracted. Or tired,” the manager said. “Why don’t you go home? The club is clearing out, and I think we can handle the rest on our own.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, it’s no problem. Why don’t you come in a little early tomorrow and finish cleaning up? That way, you can make up your hours.”
“Thank you so much,” I sighed. “I just really need some sleep.”
I grabbed my sweatshirt and bolted out the door. This extra hour or so would give me some time to plan. I would figure out what I was going to tell Dana as an explanation for my behavior, I could rest and gain my composure, and I could pack a small bag in case I needed to bolt.
That opportunity never came. When I approached the stoop in front of my apartme
nt entrance, I saw a person, dressed in black, partially hidden in shadows. I gave a small gasp and backpedaled.
“Elijah,” a voice said. “Did I scare you?”
Dana stepped into the glow of the streetlight. She was suppressing a giggle.
“That’s not funny,” I said, catching my breath. “I thought you were someone else. What are you doing here?”
“I know you said to come by tomorrow, but I couldn’t sleep. I decided to just wait for you.”
“Come in,” I said, ushering her into the apartment, while scanning my surroundings.
I quickly made my bed so she would have a place to sit. I grabbed stacks of dirty dishes and dumped them in the sink.
Something felt strange. I couldn’t place my finger on it, but there was something definitely different about Dana. I knew her as a fun, bubbly girl. She was the type to greet her man at the door with nothing on. She was down for everything, and nothing seemed to get her down. She was incredibly cool.
The Dana I saw tonight was different. She seemed nervous and uncomfortable. She was quiet at the bar. I noticed that she wouldn’t fully meet my eyes when we talked. It had only been a few months since I saw her last, but something was definitely different.
“What are you doing in the city?” I asked, breaking the awkward silence between us.
“Looking for you,” she said blankly.
“Oh, I thought you had other plans, since you got a hotel room and all. What’s the special occasion?”
She looked at the floor. “My parents kicked me out. I have nowhere to live. I’m at a hotel because I needed somewhere to sleep, but I can hardly afford to stay there for more than a couple days.”
I wanted to ask more questions, but I could see that she was about to cry.
“Well, you can stay here until you figure something out,” I blurted. Maybe I should have thought of the possible consequences of this, but seeing her face light up made me feel good.
“Thank you. I know you don’t have to do this, so it means a lot that you would be willing to help me out.”
“I work at night and sleep during the day, so it’s probably not an ideal situation for you. But, if you want to find a job while you’re in the city, you can crash here, rent free. Of course, I bet you’ll want to get your own place as soon as you can.”
I tried not to push the “we’re not going to be permanent roommates” thing too hard. She seemed like she was in a delicate emotional state.
“Why did you leave?” she asked, breaking another moment of awkward silence.
I didn’t quite know how to answer this question. I couldn’t let her know too much, or she would be targeted by The Organization. I didn’t want her to think it was her fault either.
“It’s complicated,” I said slowly. “I’m not good at staying in one place for too long. I became too comfortable where I was. I needed to go somewhere else. It’s hard to explain, but I just can’t attach myself to any one place.”
“It’s not because of me, right?” she asked.
“No, not at all. You were the best thing about that town. It was really hard to leave.”
Her upright posture slackened a bit.
“I’m sorry,” I continued. “I didn’t want to leave like that, but I felt trapped. I was going to leave you a note explaining things, but I didn’t get around to giving it to you.”
“I suppose that makes me feel a little better. For a while, I was under the impression that you thought that I was too clingy or something and you wanted out.”
“If I wanted out of our little arrangement, I would have said so,” I smiled. “You don’t know how much I’ve missed you. Do you know how hard it is to lay in bed at night alone?”
She giggled. “I know, I missed our nightly rendezvous.”
I sat down on the bed and she inched a little closer.
“I need to tell you a few things,” she took a deep breath.
“What’s up?”
“I know that we made our arrangement for a specific reason, but I like you. I tried not to, but I developed feelings for you a few weeks after we first hooked up. I know that it was just about the sex for you, but it became more for me. I just couldn’t stay here with that secret in the way.”
I paused. I knew we would have this conversation the second I saw her in the bar.
“I like you too. I fell for you the day we met. I had these feelings, but I pushed them down and hoped that they’d go away. I managed to convince myself that my infatuation with you was because of the amazing sex and nothing else. I told myself that I could never be more than a sex partner to you and after a while, I finally started to believe it. Once I left Springfield, I knew that I couldn’t deny the truth any longer. I missed you and I couldn’t stop thinking about you.”
I felt like I said too much. She looked pleasantly surprised with my confession, though. It was nice to see her relax a little.
She scooted closer and laid back on the bed. She intertwined her fingers in mine. It felt good to have human contact again. It had only been about three months since I touched her last, and her touch sent a tingle down my spine. I figured she was probably still pretty angry with me, but I hoped she would be up to the possibility of having sex. I ached for her, and given her track record with me, I had a feeling that she felt the same.
I wanted to touch every part of her beautiful body. I ran my hand through her soft, silky hair. I continued down her face and neck. My hand lingered over her breasts for a couple seconds longer. I made my way down her tiny waist.
I stopped and looked her in the eye.
“That was the other thing I needed to tell you,” she said. “I’m pregnant.”
Chapter 17
Dana
There are few things that are more nerve-wracking than giving news and not being able to predict the other person’s reaction. Confessing our interest in each other was so lovely, that I didn’t want to spoil it with announcing my pregnancy. At one point, I even thought about ignoring that little subject altogether and just wait until he noticed. It didn’t take long.
When I told him that I was pregnant, he looked utterly perplexed.
“It’s yours, obviously,” I added, in case he didn’t fully understand.
“No,” he said plainly, like I was saying something absurd.
“Yes. I found out about three months ago. Actually, I found out right about the time you split. Carrying this little secret made your departure all the more upsetting.”
“It’s not possible,” he said, looking at the ground.
“I know I told you that I was on the pill – and I was - but you know that it isn’t 100 percent effective. We never used condoms, so while it was improbable, it happened.”
“I know that, but I still don’t think it could possibly be mine.”
I was starting to get annoyed. “I know you don’t like it any more than I do, but we have to face the facts. I’m no virgin, but I hadn’t had sex for, like, two months before I met you. And I don’t know about you, but I certainly didn’t have sex with anyone but you within the time that we were together.”
This was worst case scenario. I knew that there was a chance that he would freak out and bail immediately, but I didn’t think that he would deny that it was his. It most definitely was his. I was getting ready to go back to the hotel because I didn’t want anything to do with a man who thought I was a liar and a cheater.
“I’m sterile, though,” he said quietly.
“I don’t think you are. I don’t think that’s possible.”
He pulled me to his side, I rested my head against his chest.
“Do you remember how I told you about my injury during my time in the army?”
“Yeah, did you get shot in the balls, too?”
“Cute,” he smirked at me. “When I was in the hospital, I got a really bad infection. It nearly killed me. They had to give me a lot of drugs and do a lot of experimental procedures on me. As a result, they told me that I would never be
able to have children.”
“Do you think they could have been wrong?” I suggested.
He shook his head. “I honestly don’t know how they could be. They were some of the brightest doctors in experimental medicine.”
“We could do a DNA test,” I concluded. “I know you’re the father, and it would destroy me if I didn’t have your full trust.”
“No,” he said sternly. “If that’s what you want, I can give you that. I take full responsibility for this,” he pointed at my tiny bump.
“You can have half of the responsibility for it.”
We lay there quietly for a moment, lost in our own racing minds.
“What am I going to do?” he said.
“I’m not going to force you to do anything. It would be nice for our child to have a father, but I also understand if you want to leave. I didn’t consult you about keeping the child, so you can have your say in staying or leaving.”
“I’m not ready to make any kind of life-altering decision at this second,” he said. “Damn, did you ever imagine this might happen back when we first met?”
I laughed. “Never. I also didn’t think my dad would fire me and kick me out, either.”
“Because of the pregnancy?”
I nodded.
He looked horrified. “Do they know about me?”
“They know you’re the father, but they don’t know anything about you, or have any idea where you went. They told me that it was for the best if you never came back. They don’t know anything about you because I don’t know anything about you. Why is that?”
“We weren’t dating or anything,” he said. “I usually don’t learn trivia about girls if we’re just sleeping together.”
“Tell me something about you,” I said. “I have your baby in my belly; I’m entitled to some information.”
“Well,” he started. “My favorite color is green, my favorite food is steak, and I have a thing for hot blondes.” He leaned over me and put his hand on my hip.
“Are you trying to seduce your baby momma?”
