“Is everything okay?” Whitney asked.
Brynley thought for a second, then looked over towards Everley and Ivy quickly before saying quietly, “Have you talked to Leif?”
“I talked to him for like two seconds yesterday,” Whitney said. “Why?”
“He seemed okay?”
“Yeah.” Whitney.
Brynley looked to the other girls again, “I told Ivy I wouldn’t say anything, but I feel like you should know.”
Brynley crouched down in the seat, making Whitney do the same and whispered, “K, so this is just what Everley told me, but, apparently on like Wednesday night the parents let the older kids drink, so Jasmine, Eva and Leif all got pretty drunk. Their parents were drunk too and they started talking about Leif and Eva getting married. Leif was ignoring them, but Eva and Jasmine apparently were all about it. John said something about having to get rid of the little speed bump in the road, meaning you, and Leif got mad and said he was going to bed.”
Whitney had tied and untied her sweatshirt drawstrings about 100 times by this point staring intently at them while she listened.
“Ivy and Evey went to bed at like midnight and the older girls were still upstairs. Eva and Jasmine shared a room with Ivy and Evey, but when Jasmine came to bed Eva didn’t.” She looked at Whitney afraid to continue. Whitney was afraid for her to continue too, but was more afraid of not hearing it.
“and,” Whitney said.
“Well they don’t know. Everley said she was woken up around 7 by voices next door in Leif’s room. She said she heard him tell her to leave, but Eva was talking too quietly to hear what she was saying. Then Eva came back to their room and she was only in her bra and underwear.”
Whitney took a deep breath to fight back the tears forming underneath her eyes.
“When they all went upstairs for breakfast his dad made some comment about his bed being a little less lonely the night before and I guess Leif freaked out on him. He said nothing happened. That nothing was going to happen. That he wasn’t going to date Eva again, ever and his dad got mad and said some other stuff.”
“About me?” Whitney asked.
“I wasn’t there. I don’t know.”
“What did Everley tell you he said?” Whitney asked.
Brynley hesitated, which was rare for her. “I guess John told him he wasn’t going to date you either. Ever.”
Brynley put her arm around Whitney when she saw the first tear fall. “I’m sorry Whit,” she said. “And I’m sorry he’s stupid and his family is stupid and we are stupid. We shouldn’t have gone to Ivy’s without you. I won’t do that to you again. You’re my best friend. And I don’t know that he did anything with her.”
“You think she just slept naked on the floor in his room?” Whitney asked.
Brynley opened her mouth to reply and then closed it again, realizing they both knew more than nothing happened.
“He defended you and told his dad he’s not getting back with Eva. That’s something,” Brynley said.
“Why was I so dumb? You told me he’d never really pick me. Why did I ever think he’d like me? ME? You’re the only freshman even near his level.”
“I’m so sorry Whit,” Brynley said.
“Thanks B. Maybe I should just listen to you more.”
Brynley smiled at her, “Probably.”
Whitney pulled herself together as the bus turned into the other school. For once she was glad Leif didn’t talk to her at track because she couldn’t deal with him right now. She warmed up with Jesse, trying to stop her mind from spinning. She was like a drug? Leif was a drug. He was heroin. When she was off it she couldn’t believe she’d been stupid enough to take it, to trust it, to believe in it, but when she was on it she felt like a million bucks.
Whitney ran another great race, with no sight of Leif even watching, and then told her coach she didn’t feel well so she could leave with her mom. She stayed long enough to watch Leif win both of his races and celebrate with Eva. Then they headed home, or to whatever their new house in this horrid town was.
◆◆◆
Whitney pulled her curtains against the beautiful sunshine, turned her music up louder than her mom allowed, hoarded coffee, water and overly caloric breakfast pastries and shut herself in her room for all of Sunday morning. The texts came in. Brynley asked how she was doing and if she’d talked to Leif. Everley asked why she’d gone home from the meet early and Jesse, as always, asked if she was okay. She ignored them all. The one text she wanted to see, one from Leif, never came. She felt so entirely empty and the cavern inside her core ached. She sat in Leif’s sweatshirt contemplating her options, or lack of, as the sun crawled across the sky, taking all of her hope with it.
The next morning Whitney avoided Leif completely in yearbook, and pretty successfully in math. He tried to talk to her, but she diverted every time. She could see his frustration grow, but she didn’t care. He was acting like everything was fine and she knew she couldn’t get into it at school.
“What’s wrong?” Everley asked without looking at Whitney on their way to lunch.
“Everything,” Whitney said.
“I’m sorry about the sleepover at Ivy’s. I really am,” Everley said. “Ivy invited us and…”
“And her parents said I couldn’t come, or she just didn’t want me to. I get it,” Whitney said.
Everley showed her a sympathetic grin. “They’re being so stupid,” she said.
Whitney was exhausted by the end of practice from avoiding everyone’s questions all day. She said goodbye to Jesse and went to the track shed to grab her bag. She pulled out her phone and started to text her mom.
“Hey,” Leif said, catching her off guard. She looked up from her phone slowly. She’d been sure he’d be practicing for another thirty minutes. Her heart raced as she searched for a way out.
“Are we okay?” he asked.
“Are we a “we” today?” Whitney asked.
“Um, apparently not?” Leif said looking confused. “Did something happen?”
“I don’t know, did it?” Whitney said fighting back an equal amount of anger and sadness. His dull grey eyes bore into her heart.
“What did they tell you?” he asked taking a step forward, which Whitney countered with a step back. She knew if he touched her she’d lose every ounce of strength she had and it’d be over.
“Leif!” His dad yelled from outside the open garage door on the shed. “We are still practicing here. Eva is ready to go.”
“Better go,” Whitney said. “Don’t want to leave Eva waiting.”
“Whitney, please. I don’t know what they said but it’s not true,” Leif said urgently.
“Okay. My mom’s gonna be here so I gotta go. I’ll talk to you later,” she said, although she hoped she wouldn’t. Leif tried weakly to stop her, but his dad yelled again and he gave up.
When she got home she gave into it all and threw herself into her bed letting the tears flow. Everyone was right, Leif broke her heart. She hated Leif, she hated her “friends” she hated her dad, she hated Leif’s dad, she hated this town, she hated it all.
Chapter 17
Whitney evaded and deflected most contact throughout the week, which wasn’t hard. Leif’s dad was being crazier than ever which meant he had no free time and no use of his phone so outside of class, when they were always too surrounded for a serious conversation, she didn’t have to talk to Leif. She remained civil with Ivy and Everley, keeping them at an arm’s length and spent most of her time with Brynley and Jesse. The anxiety of it all ate at her stomach during every waking hour, but she didn’t know what to do or even what she wanted. She’d almost called her dad to change her mind at least five times.
Thursday, Brynley caught Whitney off guard with an invitation to the movies Friday night and while Whitney was fully prepared to say no, she quickly realized she had nothing better to do and agreed. Also, Kathy from basketball was going to drive, and Whitney had missed her. At least she’d
have a real excuse to not hang out with Leif when he asked.
He did ask, Friday during math, and Whitney told him of her movie plans with a broad grin.
“We really need to talk Whitney. Will you come to lunch with me? Just me. Please?” he said it quietly, leaning in closely. Whitney could smell his perfect scent and his eyes pleaded with their sad baby blue color.
“Okay,” she said and immediately regretted it.
With only a few minutes left in the period Everley passed Whitney a note.
If you’re going to give him another chance you need to make him commit. You’re my friend and I care about you. Stuff happened on spring break and I should have told you about it, but Ivy told me not to, and I don’t even know what really happened, but you need to be careful. I think he should pick you, but I don’t know if he ever will.
Whitney turned it over and wrote quickly.
Brynley told me about spring break, that’s why I haven’t been talking to him. I’m not mad at you, I just feel like I never win with you people and I’m tired of it. I’m just going to lunch so he’ll stop bugging me. I know he’ll never really pick me. His dad wouldn’t let him even if he wanted to.
Whitney passed her note to Everley who read it and then mouthed back, “I’m sorry.”
When the bell rang, Whitney followed Leif to his car without speaking.
“Leif, you coming to DQ?” Chris asked as they approached his whole crew who stood casually in the parking lot.
“No. I’ll catch you in fourth,” Leif said.
“Ohhh, looks like he’s busy trying to make up with the Fresh Meat,” Eva said loud enough for them to hear.
“Shut the hell up Eva!” Leif said passing his car and stopping right in front of her.
“Oh, I’m sorry. Are you still upset about not placing well Friday? If your dad was smart he’d let you see the stupid freshman after meets. Let her help you release some of your “frustration.” The whole group erupted with laughter while Eva stood there with her signature smirk covering her evil face.
“You are the biggest bitch I have ever met!” Leif said moving quickly towards Eva. Luckily, Phillip stepped in front of him and said something quietly convincing Leif to turn back around. Whitney could see him fuming from the other side of the car. Before he got in he turned around.
“And not everyone is a raging slut like you are Eva.”
Leif unlocked the car and climbed in. Whitney followed his lead, although she wanted to go to lunch with him less than ever at this point. Leif pulled out of the parking lot and they drove in silence until he finally pulled down a dirt farm road a little outside of town and turned off the car.
Sadness, extreme and overwhelming, occupied all of Leif’s eyes, overriding her anger. “Thanks for defending me back there,” Whitney said, allowing the sadness in his eyes to override her anger.
“I will always defend you,” he said.
“Stop,” she said, “Just stop.”
“What?” Leif said.
“You keep doing this. You are nice and you say these things and you kiss me, but then you ignore me at practice and hang out with Eva and it’s not fair.” Whitney surprised herself with her confidence.
“I’m sorry,” Leif said catching her off guard. He brushed back her hair and she closed her eyes against the longing it awakened within her. “I like you so much that it scares me. I want to be together. I love being together. And when it’s just us it’s safe and amazing, but when everyone else gets involved there’s drama and you get hurt and I really don’t want that.”
Whitney fought against the part of her that wanted to tell him it was fine and wrap him in her arms. She tried to focus on what had pissed her off refilling herself with anger. She took a deep breath. She’d tell him the truth and then it could be done. “Everley told Brynley and Brynley told me about spring break and that topped with how much your dad hates me and the ridiculous amount of time you spend with Eva, is too much. We won’t work. We were never going to work.”
“Nothing happened on spring break. I promise,” he said.
“By nothing do you mean you didn’t actually have sex with Eva, or are you also denying you flirted with her, got drunk with her and spent the night with her?” Whitney started crying as she spoke. She didn’t mean to and she certainly didn’t want to, but she couldn’t stop it.
Leif reached out for her hand and she pulled it back. She didn’t want his comfort.
“Whitney,” Leif said, his voice catching. “I definitely didn’t have sex with her. I also didn’t flirt with her. But, I did spend the night with her and I’m so very sorry. I missed you and I hated everyone there so I had a few drinks. I got drunk, I stole my phone, was texting with you and fell asleep. I swear. When I woke up the next morning Eva was in my bed. I will admit that she had on little clothing and was all cuddled up against me, but that’s it.”
His eyes pleaded with her to believe him. He looked as sad and broken as he ever had. Whitney looked away again. He was getting to her.
“I woke her up and told her to leave. She tried to kiss me and I pushed her back. I told her I was with you and she needed to get out. Eventually she did. Nothing else happened Whitney. I’m sorry it did. I shouldn’t have drank. I should have been aware. She shouldn’t have been there all night. I know that. I’m sorry.”
He reached for her hand again, and this time she let him take it.
She believed him, but that changed nothing; they were doomed.
“She’s always there though Leif. She’s always around you in her perfect body, with her perfect hair and her perfect car. She’s always there,” Whitney said wiping away the tears with her empty hand.
“But I don’t want her. Every time I’m with you I wonder more what I ever saw in her.”
He reached over and gently wiped a tear from her cheek. Her skin tingled at his touch. She’d missed it and she hated it.
“This is our land.” Leif said after a second of staring out the window. He paused and looked at Whitney. His eyes were the dull grey color she hated the most. “So much of this town is our land. I drive around and look at it all with a huge knot in my chest. That knot is in my chest every day. The only time it ever subsides is when I play basketball, am running and when I’m with you.”
Whitney smiled at him.
“My dad expects me to run the farm. To stay here and keep this tradition going. To marry a girl who understands the importance of that and wants that too.” Leif continued. He looked at Whitney, still holding her hand. “I don’t want any of it though. I want to do more than the farm and I think I’ve always wanted that, but I couldn’t admit it until I met you. And he’ll have to get over that.”
“Leif I hear you say that, and it sounds great, but then we return to the real world where Eva is EVERYWHERE and your dad is controlling your every move. I was an idiot to believe it’d work in the first place, but now I know better.”
“We can work Whitney. I’ll do anything to make us work,” he said.
Whitney played with the string on her jeans, unsure where the confidence was coming from, but afraid to let it slip by.
“I’m just so tired of hurting Leif, and you helped me realize I should take care of myself, so I think maybe that’s what I need to do.”
Leif threw his head back against the seat and ran a hand through his hair as tears streaked down his face. Whitney’s chest ripped apart.
She turned out to the field again and caught the time on the dash, “Shit! Class starts in five minutes. We’re gonna be late.”
Leif looked at the time and shook his head. He took a deep breath and then turned on the car and backed them out onto the road.
“I want us to work Whitney.” His voice was full of desperation as they pulled into the parking lot.
“I want that too Leif, but I don’t know if wanting is enough here,” Whitney said.
Chapter 18
“I am so proud of you,” Everely said, smothering Whitney in a hug.
“Thanks,” Whitney gasped. Fifth period had been deemed a work period, and the girls had run away to the library, where they were hidden in a back corner, not working.
“So, you really just ended things with Leif Smyth? You know he’s like a unicorn right? You basically just opened a gate for a unicorn to run out,” Brynley said.
“He’s just a person,” Ivy said drawing questioning looks from all three girls.
“I don’t know,” Whitney said. “I just got tired of it. I felt like I was constantly trying to get up on a surfboard in the middle of a storm.”
“We don’t get your California references,” Ivy said.
“I do,” Everley said, glaring at Ivy. “I really think it’s great. You deserve it all Whit. You deserve someone who will love you 100% of the time and stand up for you and not make you worry.”
“Thanks Evey,” Whitney said, and for once she kind of believed it.
“Well, while you’re feeling all strong woman, why don’t you call your dad?” Brynley said.
Whitney looked at her, letting the idea stir her empty stomach again. “I should,” she finally said.
Whitney ran over what she’d say the bumpy bus ride home, then she crawled into her big pink chair and dialed his number.
“Hey Whit, what’s up?”
The sound of his voice washed away her confidence in one swift instant.
“Um…” she tried to remember her speech. “I just wanted to talk to you.”
“Okay, well I’ve got a meeting in a few so what is it?”
“I don’t want to move back down there,” she said ripping the bandaid off.
“What?”
“I’m staying here. I’m not moving back and I’m also not coming this summer.”
“That is not up for discussion, nor is it up to you,” her dad said, growing angry in an instant.
“But it’s my life Dad, and I don’t want to go back,” Whitney fighting the tightness in her chest.
Being Whitney (Book one of the Being Series): A Young Adult Novel Page 25
