The Hinky Velvet Chair

by Jennifer Stevenson

  Jewel threaded her way past the mob by the punch bowl and through the gate to the alley. There was Griffy with a fingertip in her mouth, watching a girl in a beaded dress sit down in the green velvet chair. Jewel would have felt sorry for Beads Girl, but she clearly spent way too much money on her appearance. The Venus Machine would cure that.

  Beads Girl spasmed theatrically in the hot seat.

  Dr. Kauz unstrapped her and handed her out. The onlooking yuppies applauded. Every one of the men kissed her.

  Griffy bit her lip.

  Kauz looked up and saw Jewel. He rushed forward to take her hand. “My star patient! My greatest success! Unmask, my goddess, so that all can see your so glorious green tones!”

  Jewel pulled her hand free. He’s almost where I want him.

  The yuppies bayed like hyenas at the smell of fresh meat.

  “Uh, I’m thirsty,” she said. She backed away. “Think I’ll go get some punch.”

  He held up a palm. “But no, I have a glass of punch here which I did not touch.”

  He circled around back of the Venus Machine and reappeared with a plastic cup in his hand. Jewel took it. Kauz sent her one of those deep looks that told Jewel he was thinking about her blood again. She backed away, and he turned his attention to the next victim clamoring for treatment.

  She was lifting the cup when someone hissed out of the darkness, “Don’t!”

  Jewel jumped. The punch slopped over her hand. “What?”

  The masked woman grabbed her wrist. “Don’t drink it! I saw him open a little bottle and put something in that cup!” The voice was Griffy’s.

  Jewel regarded the cup with interest. “Oops. Thanks for spotting that. Listen, I need to talk to you.”

  She glanced back at Beads Girl, who was dancing wildly to ‘Foxy Lady’ with three men at once.

  “Let’s go over here.” Jewel drew Griffy around the corner by the dumpster. “I wanted to tell you, you mustn’t do that machine again.”

  “Why not? You did it twice.”

  Jewel lowered her voice. “There are side effects when you do it twice. More side effects, I mean.”

  “What kind of side effects?”

  “When I got zapped that second time? I started, well, seeing things.”

  “Things?”

  “It’s like, whenever I made eye contact, I could picture what guys were thinking about me. You know how guys think?” She put the doped punch cup down, and Griffy promptly kicked it over. There goes that sample. “Why do you think I started wearing shades?” She let this sink in. “I don’t know if it’ll ever wear off. I hope it does, because there are times you don’t want to read minds, even the minds of people you love.”

  Griffy nodded.

  Jewel said gently, “You know, don’t you, that Lord Darner isn’t in Skokie. He’s in Virgil’s bed. I saw your face this morning and I knew.”

  Blinking, Griffy said, “In — in Virgil’s bed? In Virgil’s bed? Why—” She covered her masked face with her hands. “You knew — oh!” she said, sounding guilty.

  Jewel patted her shoulder. “Weird feeling, isn’t it? He’s been living with me for three weeks. Something... happened the other day and he got trapped in Sovay’s bed. Then Virgil swapped that bed for the one in the master bedroom. I think Clay told him too much.”

  “That’s why the bed was different!” Griffy sounded thoughtful. “And — that’s why I had those crazy dreams. But how—?”

  “I’ll explain the whole thing later. But do you understand now why Virgil switched the beds? Clay says it’s to get control of me and make me protect him from the law. But what I wanted to warn you is, now he’s talking about getting rid of the bed.”

  The tall green feathers quivered. “He wouldn’t dare!”

  “He will. It crushed him when I convinced him that Lord Po — Darner was in there, doing you when he thought you two were alone.”

  Behind Griffy’s mask, her eyes darted. “Virgil was so sweet last night.” Tears appeared in her eyes and she blinked them away. “But then this morning he was such a poop. So I thought maybe last night was all an act. He’s a good actor,” she said unnecessarily.

  What if she loses Virgil and decides to keep Randy as consolation? “Lord Darner hates being trapped in beds.”

  But Griffy was a nicer person than that. “I’ll find Virgil and keep him busy. You go get Lord Darner out of there.”

  Now for the rest of Jewel’s plan. “Thank you, but I have a better idea. Tell Virgil that while he was eating his birthday cake, you had locksmiths change the lock on the bedroom door.”

  “But I didn’t.”

  “Never mind, tell him anyway. I’ve fixed it so nobody can get in there, not even with a key.”

  “But—”

  “He’ll hate it. You want leverage? This is it. I don’t like leaving Randy in that bed one minute more than I have to, but, if you want to keep the old buzzard, you’ll need some ammo.”

  “Not ammo,” Griffy protested. “I don’t want to shoot him.”

  “If you don’t defy him, he’ll never know he’s not the boss.” Jewel waited while the deviosity of this percolated into Griffy’s melon. “If you still want him.”

  “Yes,” Griffy said slowly. “I do. He can be awful sometimes — like now — but when he loved me — he used to love me—”

  “So this is how you find out,” Jewel said bracingly, before Griffy could break down again.

  Griffy sniffed and stood straighter. “I see.” Her green feathers trembled with determination. “Yes. That’s what I need. Leverage.”

  “Mind, I still want Randy back.” Uh, that wasn’t the way she’d meant to phrase it.

  “Of course,” Griffy said nobly.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  It was all very well for Julia to say, “defy him,” Griffy thought, striding up the alley in agitation, but she had spent a very peaceful eighteen years letting Virgil run things. That had worked fine. Well, they’d moved more than she had liked. And often he wouldn’t let her talk to neighbors. And when they’d lived in hotels, she couldn’t talk to the maids, either, or to people in elevators, or waiters, or anyone. But he’d never asked her to pretend to be his sister before.

  She squeezed past a dance in a neighbor’s garage. She hadn’t danced in ages. Virgil controlled way too much of her life. They were playing eighties music, and her feet began to shuffle. Her hips moved, and a nice-looking guy with a receding hairline smiled at her, and she thought, Why not? She wasn’t in that big a hurry to defy Virgil.

  Receding-Hairline Guy was a pretty good dancer.

  The mask got in the way of some of her best moves, but the moves were rusty anyway. With a pang she thought of her stripping days, when she could dance for six hours straight, given water breaks. I was alive. I was on my own, which sucked sometimes. But I got to pick my apartment and my day-off clothes and I didn’t have to take elocution lessons from Virgil. Or ring a bell to get my sheets changed in my own house. She looked over her partner’s shoulder and saw the tips of Sovay’s feathers bobbing nearby. Or have snakes come for to visit.

  So when Virgil tapped her partner on the shoulder and pulled her away from the dance, she was in a fighting mood.

  “What is your problem?” she demanded. “I get to dance sometimes.”

  “We have guests,” Virgil began.

  She cut him off. “So? I had to send Clay to drag you out of your hole to meet them.”

  She saw him blink, and she realized he was off balance. Boy, you didn’t see that very often. Julia was right. He must be upset.

  “Dance with me,” she said softly, and held out her hand.

  He took it and looked into her eyes, swinging her into the dance. “Do I know you anymore?”

  Oh God, this was the breakup conversation. “You pulled me out of a dance to tell me you’re done with me?”

  “You don’t listen to me anymore.”

  “I’m listening. I always listen to you. Your voice is —
is always with me.” Hot sadness welled up in her throat. “But I’m talking back now.” Had she lost him by speaking her mind?

  His voice went husky. “Haven’t I taken care of you?”

  The heat in her throat hardened into a lump, silencing her.

  He swung her around. “What is it, Griffy? What do you want?”

  The mask was too hot. She pulled away from him to take it off and wipe her eyes. “I think I want to find out who I am. Maybe go to college. I don’t want to pretend to be anybody else, I’m no good at that, you know that. I’m not smart enough to keep up with your work. But you didn’t — you never brought— “ Never brought your work home with you, she was going to say, but often he had, and he’d always scolded her for talking too much, or for her clothes, or for her walk. “I think I want to be me. I don’t want to pretend to be your sister,” she said.

  He put his palm over her mouth. “Not so loud!” He moved nearer to her again. “It’s just for a few—”

  She pushed his hand away. “It’s always just for a few. A few days, a few weeks.” Over his shoulder she saw Sovay’s feathers again, not moving.

  Sovay was listening. But was Virgil?

  He thought he could talk and she would be silent, like a girl in a chorus line with a twelve-pound hat on her head, smiling at catcalls. She needed leverage. She needed ammo.

  She leaned into the shadow of his big red mask. “I’ve had the locks changed on our — on my bedroom door. You can sleep someplace else from now on.”

  He stood still. “You couldn’t. When?”

  “While you were eating birthday cake. I called them this morning,” she added, thinking, Boy, this lying thing is easy. “After you were mean to me at breakfast. I told them when it would be good to come.” He stiffened all over. She told another lie. “If you don’t want me, I know where I can get all the comfort I want.”

  His red feathers trembled. “You devious little slut.”

  Her heart shrank up cold. Well, that worked.

  “I’m not trying to get a twenty-something into bed,” she said, feeling her mouth go puckery with nastiness. This was excruciating.

  His eyes closed. “You still don’t understand.”

  Behind him, Sovay’s feathers were even nearer now.

  In quiet despair, she said, “No, Virgil. I do understand.”

  She ran back to the house, knowing that even if he followed her, Sovay would be too quick. And he would never put Sovay aside for her.

  The yuppies crowded even thicker outside her garage door. She couldn’t even get to her own garden gate, so she went to watch from behind the dumpster, feeling like garbage.

  Kauz’s voice crowed about the marvelous Venus Machine. “Who vill try? Who is villing to change their life? Who vants to be irresistible?”

  Sovay pranced forward in her gold-and-black mask and seated herself in the Venus Machine with a flourish.

  Virgil stood among the crowd, his red feathers motionless.

  Griffy brushed through the garden, past the wreckage of the birthday cake, into the house, past the caterers in the kitchen, sorry she’d taken off her mask because her face was crumpling and she could feel sobs coming up in her chest.

  She squeezed them down and hurried through the empty house to the ladies’ cloakroom off the foyer. Her shoes clacked in the darkened marble hall. Panting, she hung her mask on a hook in the candle-lit cloakroom, then ran into the lavatory and threw herself into a pink brocade chair to cry.

  o0o

  Jewel saw Griffy run past the cake into the house and thought, Oh, hell. The woman was too nice to fight with the likes of Virgil.

  She gritted her teeth and followed.

  When she found her in the cloakroom, Griffy was sobbing exhaustedly.

  “Oh, girlfriend.” Jewel went back out and hung her mask on a peg beside Griffy’s, grabbed up a box of tissues, and went back in. “I take it he acted like a brat.”

  “He was horrible,” Griffy sobbed. “He called me a slut.”

  Jewel dabbed at her chin. “Huh. That must mean he believes that Randy’s in the bed.” He would have to give her the videotape now. She tried to feel triumph, but Griffy was so clearly the victim of fallout from her brilliant strategy that she felt guilty. “He’ll come around.” I hope. “If he wants you back, he’ll let me get Randy out of that bed.”

  Griffy raised her head at that. “Oh.” She sniffled. “I hadn’t thought of that.”

  “And he’ll have to ask you for the key, because he thinks you’ve changed the locks.”

  Griffy shook her head. “He’s too proud. He’ll never apologize.”

  Jewel squinted. “Are you telling me Virgil can’t figure out how to ask you for the new key without apologizing?”

  “You’re right,” Griffy said, with a laugh. “But what do I do then? I don’t have a new key.”

  “Let me know when he’s asked, and I’ll deal with it.”

  High-heeled footsteps strode into the outer cloakroom.

  Sovay sailed in without her mask. She cast a pitying glance at Griffy and went into the potty stall. “My God, what stinks?” she said from the stall, and made a horking noise. Lavish spews plopped in the toilet. “I was told this would be a high class party.” She horked again. More plops.

  Jewel raised her voice. “You know, Sovay, if you’re gonna hang around with a high-standards guy like Virgil, you have to pretend to have class twenty-four-seven. It looks tacky if you can’t speak to your rivals without throwing up.”

  “Rivals!” Sovay said in a hoarse voice. “You’re pathetic.” Hork. “You’re a cow and Griffy’s a hag.” Hork, hork. The toilet flushed.

  “Julia’s right,” Griffy said. She went to the mirror, winced, and began repairing her makeup. “Virgil’s very fussy. He would never put up with anyone low class.”

  Jewel patted Griffy’s shoulder. “Tell it, sister,” she whispered. “By the way, Sovay, Lord Darner says your English accent is fake.”

  “Fake?” Griffy paused with a hairpin in her hand.

  “Yeah, Sovay, where is Lord Darner?” Jewel said. “Last I knew, he was with you, banging the headboard against the wall. What did you do, fuck him to death?”

  “Ooh, you’re mean!” Griffy whispered.

  “Maybe I’ll tell Virgil I saw him coming out of your room,” Jewel added.

  “Liar!” Sovay cried from inside the stall. “You never did!”

  “No, I didn’t,” Jewel said. “Maybe screwing a human snake made him disappear in a puff of smoke.”

  “Bitch!” Hork. Thrashings from the stall. “You’re both pathetic bitches!” Hork, hork, hork. The toilet flushed again. Sovay swept through the lavatory without pausing to primp. They heard the cloakroom door bang.

  “What’s her problem?” Jewel wondered. “She can’t even speak to me without vomiting. I don’t think she’s faking it.”

  “I know she’s had two goes on that Venus Machine already.” Griffy blotted her lipstick.

  “Yikes.” Jewel swiped at her hair with a comb. “What does that thing do to people? Power of suggestion, my ass.” She checked the stall to see if Sovay had left a mess. On the floor, something green wiggled. “You should keep your back door shut, Griffy.” She picked it up and showed her a tiny baby snake.

  “Eeek!” Griffy drew back.

  “It’s just a baby,” Jewel said.

  “Talk about your custom-made magic!” Griffy sucked in a horrified breath. “Lord Darner must have done something to her when he told her that story about the three girls at the well.”

  “Miss? Miss Griffin?” A caterer came to the door of the lavatory. “Miss, there’s a food fight in the back yard. I thought I should tell you, they’re throwing cake.”

  Griffy sighed. “What next?” She went out, masking herself again, and leaving Jewel with her prize.

  Jewel stared down at the tiny, bright-green, wriggling snakeling. “Power of suggestion. Huh.” She went out.

  It was just like high
school. The mean girls went around picking on people, and Jewel, the farm girl, went to parties with a snake in her pocket.

  Chapter Thirty

  Griffy arrived in the garden to find the food fight was now an orgy. The cake was gone. The combatants wrestled in twos and threes, having a good time — on the patio, up against the wall, under the messed-up cake table. People moaned. Lingerie flew.

  While she stood there, feeling left out, Dr. Kauz came up to her. He hugged her tightly, crushing her feathers.

  “My fire goddess! Ach, you are more radiant now than before you drank my potion!” he cried.

  She drew back. “I think you mistake—” He kissed her hand and the words died on her lips. She remembered the potion he’d poured into Julia’s punch cup.

  He pulled his face back. “But I must not presume. Soon enough you will embrace me. Now that you have taken the potion,” he said, holding her hand and stroking it, “you are addicted to its power. And only I can give you more!”

  She blinked. “But I didn’t—”

  “Stumm, hush, hush.” He set his finger on her lips.

  Griffy was getting annoyed. What did men think? She would always zip it for them?

  “You are my crowning achievement. After one taste, you crave my potion. Only my potion can make you feel desirable!”

  She drew back, creeped out by his bad Peter Lorre imitation, but he pulled her closer.

  He hissed in her ear, “Now you will always be beside me. Now I tell you my great plan, for you have a part in it, oh yes! With your green tones, you can have any man alive, and I, Kauz, will be the greatest politician of the age! We will be Borgias, ruling the city mit magic, mit zex, mit raw power!” He cackled.

  Griffy began to piece it together. He thinks I’m Julia. He did dope her punch! I’m so glad she didn’t taste it.

  “Conceive my delight when our hostess invites me here on the eve of this party. So exclusive, such excellent media coverage!”

  She gasped. “You knew about the block party?”

  “I am a guest of the richest man at the party! It was opportunity I could not pass up.” He leaned closer. “Tonight I will take such a tiny drop of your blood, and I will run it through the psychespectrometer and also a few instruments I have back at my laboratory. If I can isolate the Venus Machine factor and synthesize it! It is my dream!” He clutched her arm.