by Mason, P. R.
"What are you so mad about? I said you shoulda won. I'm not the only one who thinks you're beautiful. You're a cheerleader. They don't choose ugly girls for the squad."
"I didn't say I was ugly. But I'm on the squad because I'm really good at being enthusiastic and perky."
Keagan's gaze drifted down to my boobs. "You are perky."
"Hey," I said wrapping the blanket across my chest. "I thought we were in a lewd-comment-free zone tonight."
"Sorry. Habits die hard," he said, shrugging. "But my saying you're gorgeous wasn't lewd. Why can't you take a compliment about your looks?"
"Okay. Okay." I rolled my eyes. "I'm gorgeous. I should win a dozen beauty contests. All right? Can we go on to another topic?"
"Okay," he said. "Eat some pizza."
"Aghhhhhhhhhhhhh," I growled. After grabbing another slice out of the box, I pushed half of it in my mouth and bit down taking a huge chunk between my teeth.
While chewing I said, "Satisfied?" And it sounded more like "shartifish."
"Gorgeous," he said with a laugh.
I swallowed hard, pushing the glop halfway down my throat. A swig of soda pushed it the rest of the way. "I'm gorgeous and I have excellent table manners."
"But not so great beach blanket manners."
We both laughed at that.
After eating in silence for a few minutes, I managed to get through the rest of my one slice as Keagan finished off a second.
"Billy and Quinn are going to tell Liam about us even if my parents don't, you know," he said.
"They already did. Liam texted me."
"Crap."
"Don't tell me you're sorry," I said. "You insisted I tell your parents."
"I know. I guess I didn't think things through about how this would affect you. I just thought about myself." His eyes locked with mine.
The shadows of the night made it impossible to see too deeply into their depths. How I wished I could. What was he feeling? Sheesh —What was I feeling? Too much for sure. I'd crossed a line. No turning back now, Tara.
"Don't worry about it," I whispered. "I asked you out remember?"
Keagan didn't answer. Turning his gaze out to the ocean, he shivered.
I held one side of the blanket in invitation. "You're cold. Why don't you get under here? The dog hair will warm you up."
With a nod, Keagan moved to my side. We fumbled with the fabric until we were huddled together, both wearing it like a shawl. Arm-to-arm, hip-to-hip, and with our heads close together, the faint scent of shampoo and cologne invaded my senses. We were wrapped in an intimacy that made my breath hitch. I struggled to keep to a smooth in-and-out pattern so he wouldn't notice my reaction to his nearness.
Our hands—his left and my right—rested side-by-side on the blanket and I longed to twine my fingers with his. What would happen if I reached over and just ran an index finger over his? What if I let my finger drift up his arm? What if I brought my touch to his face?
"This is a strange night," Keagan said, breaking into my thoughts. "Starting with my parents. That was just surreal."
"I've known you and Liam for so many years and I've always wanted to know something. Why do your parents act the way they do towards you?"
Keagan stared down into his lap.
The longer the time between my question and an answer, the more uncomfortable I became. Obviously, the topic hurt him. "You don't have to—" I started.
"They hate me," he blurted out. "They hate me because...I killed my sister."
"What? No," I objected. Keagan might have done a lot of bad things but they'd been in the category of naughty. I knew he couldn't be so evil. "I don't believe you did any such thing."
"It's true."
"Prove it to me. What happened?" I demanded.
"My mother was six months pregnant..." He struggled out the words and choked on the last one.
I touched his hand now, tangling my fingers with his until he could continue.
"The baby was a girl. They knew because of one of those ultrasound tests." The words were tumbling out now so fast they were like a runaway train. "One day I left a toy truck on the stairs and mom fell over it. She went into premature labor and the baby died."
The train crashed and left silence.
"How old were you?" I asked after a few moments. "You must've been young."
"Four," he said.
"What? Then it definitely wasn't your fault." I squeezed his hand.
"Yes it was. They'd told me before to pick up my toys and I didn't do it."
"No." I reached up with my other hand to cup his face with my palm. Staring into his eyes, I tried to convince him. The blanket fell away with my movement and I didn't care. "Anyway, how do you know it wasn't Liam who left the truck? He was four too. I bet you two shared the toys."
"I never thought...They just always said it was me."
"Kids that young leave stuff around the house. You weren't to blame and neither was Liam. It was just an accident. You shouldn't blame yourself for that."
"Well you blame yourself for your parents. I've heard you say so. But you never say why."
My hand dropped from his face. "That's different. I just...I just..." I tried to turn away from him but Keagan took me by the shoulders.
"What?" he asked.
"I should have kept them from going out the night of the accident and I didn't," I finally admitted.
"You're more ridiculous than me." He gave me a little shake. "How could you know something would happen that night?"
"What if I did know?"
"You mean like a premonition?" With a touch to my chin, he brought my face around and our eyes met. "That's not possible."
"But assume I did have a vision. Assume I saw what was going to happen."
"You still wouldn't be to blame. You were a kid. What were you? Five? You couldn't stop them."
I tried to look down but the lock he had on my eyes wouldn't let go.
"I'm not buying that you were to blame," he whispered. "You're too compassionate and loving. You would never let someone you loved get hurt if you could stop it."
"I told them. But they didn't believe me. Then the accident happened."
"See. I was right," he said. "You told them about your vision. You did what you could. You were too young."
"A year older than you when your mom had her accident."
He seemed to consider this for a few seconds as the ocean lapped one, two, three, four times against the shore.
"We were both too young to be to blame," he finally pronounced. Keagan took my face between his palms and planted a light kiss on my lips. That kiss was like an absolution. A kiss that was a balm that seemed to, if not heal, at least start a scab over the wound of my guilt.
"Neither of us has anything to feel guilty about," he insisted. "I won't feel guilty any more if you won't. Agreed?"
"Agreed," I replied.
He smiled and then leaned in for another quick kiss. But this time when our lips touched, mine moved under his. Instead of pulling quickly away as before, his lips lingered, soft and tentative. Leaning up and forward, I moved onto his lap. His arms wrapped around me, clutching me to him as I deepened the kiss, putting my own arms around his neck. One hand went to his nape while the other sifted through his hair. Then our mouths were moving, each on the others', searching and devouring. The kiss included a generous amount of tongue. So much tongue I couldn't tell were his ended and mine began.
This kiss wasn't absolution. This kiss was sin. But right now I didn't care. I gloried in it. No more Goody for me.
Keagan was the first one to pull away, pushing me back. "Stop," he said, lifting me off his body and placing me back on the blanket. "If we don't stop now, I won't be able to."
"I don't understand. Did I do something wrong?" My question couldn't hide my burgeoning humiliation.
"Jeese, no. You did everything right." He framed my face with his hands, caressing my cheekbone with his thumb. "Too right. It's getting dangerous.
You must know what I mean."
"But I thought that was what you wanted?"
"Yeah. Me too," he mumbled, releasing me and sitting back. "But it's going too fast. Too fast for you. This is your first time, right?"
"But I want you to do it," I said and was surprised to realize I meant what I'd said.
My mind raced. How could I want to have sex with Keagan but not with Liam? Liam was the brother I was in love with, wasn't he? I was just doing this for him, wasn't I?
"Okay, but let's take it slow." Keagan reached for our fallen blanket/shawl. "Let's just lie here a while and talk."
As he wrapped us in the blanket, his arm went around my shoulder. A little scooching and we were prone, me with my cheek against his chest and the sound of his heart in my ear. He began rambling on about his new science teacher and how his idea of teaching was a surprise pop quiz every day.
"Not quite a surprise," Keagan joked and the rumble of his laugh vibrated against my face, making me want to kiss his chest. I restrained myself. "My math teacher is even more lame," he said. "He has to make everything into a story problem. Sometimes I'd like x just to be an x without representing the quantity of farm animals or tinker toys. What the hell is a tinker toy anyway? Couldn't he at least choose something cool like iPads or cars?"
The next thing I knew, my eyes were fluttering open. I had only a second to realize I'd just woken from sleep, when a vision hit me with the subtlety of a sledgehammer. An old man, gray and wrinkled but with a full head of hair, was walking next to an old woman in a park under bright sunshine. He smiled down at his companion, but then his smile turned to a grimace and he reached up a hand to his chest. He was having a heart attack. The woman cried out when he fell to one knee. As he clutched at the fabric of his shirt, I saw the tattoo around his wrist.
Keagan. I was seeing a new death for Keagan.
I came to myself still lying against his chest, with one hand to my head.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
Removing my hand, I glanced up and saw him staring down at me with worried eyes. "Yes. It's just a headache," I answered.
As the pain in my head quickly subsided, I realized something that made a grin almost break my lips with its width.
"What?" Keagan said, giving me a little shake. "Why are you smiling like that?"
How could I tell him that I'd somehow changed his fated death? Or if not me, something we'd done had made the change, setting him on a new path. He'd live a full life and die an old man. That meant Liam's fated death could have changed too. But had it?
Overhead, the moon had shifted so far in the sky it must be at least two a.m.
"Omigod," I said, jerking to a sitting position. "Gran will be frantic."
Keagan sat up too and then jumped to his feet. "Let's get you home."
He rose and began to gather the blanket from beneath us, shaking out the sand. Folding our shawl blanket as he did this, I began to worry. What about our bargain? Keagan's fate had changed but I still had to keep one of them from that football stadium tomorrow, er, tonight.
"Are we still on for another date later?" I asked as he handed me my shoes.
At my question, he smiled. Pulling me to him, he gently kissed me. "Definitely."
"Instead of the game?" I had to nail this down. "Even though..."
"Even though what?" he said with lips quirking.
"You said I had to sleep with you...and we didn't...you know."
"You did sleep with me. We woke up together just a few minutes ago. Don't you remember?"
"But—"
"Shhhh." He placed a finger to my lips to stop my words. "I don't want your first time to be like that. With me forcing you into something."
"You aren't forcing me. Don't you remember what I told your parents? Should be memorable since your dad's getting a retaining wall out of it." I joked.
"I remember every word," he said in utter seriousness. "But even if it isn't force, I don't want you to be with me as some kinda deal or bargain either. Let's just take it slow. Although it might kill me, I want to wait. I've waited a long time for you to be with me. I can wait until you're ready to go further. Now that I know we have a future, I can do anything."
Oh Lord. I'd let him think we were a couple.
Strange, but the idea of the two of us didn't freak me out. In fact, happiness blossomed inside me like a flower unfolding. Was I in love with Keagan and not Liam? Yes, I admitted to myself. How horrible was that? Was I an evil person for switching so quickly from one brother to the other? Then I acknowledged it hadn't been quick. I'd always been fighting an attraction to Keagan, but I'd been afraid. There had been safety with Liam where not a bit existed in Keagan. My heart, soul and entire being lay in jeopardy with him.
"But you're my girl now, right?" he asked.
"Are you sure that's what you want? All those other girls—"
"Those other girls...none of them were you. I tried to make them sub for you but they couldn't."
"Then this isn't just because you want to stick it to Liam?" I asked, happy but continuing my wander into uncharted, scary territory.
"No. I want to stick it to you, not my brother." He laughed. "I don't hate my brother. Liam isn't the problem. It was just that he had everything I wanted. I'd almost gotten used to the difference between how my parents treated me and how they treated Liam. I coulda lived with it, but then you came along. You were a little girl of ten with hair the color of wheat and the most amazing hazel eyes. And you went straight for Liam. You barely had anything to do with me."
"I'm sorry. I'd just lost my parents and went to live with Gran. I blamed myself for my parents' death. I couldn't cope with anything frightening. I wanted a restful place to heal."
"And Liam is 'restful'?"
"Well, you have to admit you aren't restful, peaceful, or safe. Whatever synonym you want. You aren't any of those things. You are dangerous and exciting. Not what a frightened ten year old could cope with."
"Sexy?"
"Yeah, that too."
That statement earned me another kiss. Then another and another after that.
Chapter Five
Away from the coast, a fog enveloped the car as Keagan drove us back into town. But the white wisps seemed like a haze of happiness to me. We held hands over the parking brake and couldn't stop smiling at each other. No realities were permitted to get through the haze and reach me until we entered downtown. Then all of the problems I'd been trying to ignore drifted back into my thoughts one by one.
Gran would be worried and angry—if she hadn't fallen asleep. On the off chance she had, I didn't try her on my cell phone. Slipping in without her ever knowing how late I'd been out was still a possibility. I didn't even remember I'd turned my phone off until we pulled up in front of my house.
"How are you getting home?" I said as he parked. "We should have stopped at your house first."
