by Fleur Beale
She drove the shopping vehicle into Greymouth earlier than usual, telling people that she had a hospital appointment, a lie which troubled her conscience for some time. She prayed all the way into town, Please God, don’t let this truck break down.
She caught the bus to Nelson and when it stopped at Pancake Rocks she rang the community and told them to pick up the vehicle from the Mitre 10 car park. They thought she must have been admitted to hospital, but she just said, ‘No, I’m not coming back,’ and hung up.
Naomi felt dreadful about leaving, and full of guilt. She prayed for forgiveness for leaving and for telling the lie. But she knew that everyone felt guilty when they left and that she’d been right to do it. In Nelson she rented a basic cabin in a motor camp and clothed herself from second-hand shops. She sent the blue dress back. It was almost new and somebody would be able to use it.
Unlike Faith, she didn’t suffer from the fear she would be damned to hell for leaving and instead she felt she’d got her religion back again. Now she was able to worship God the way she’d done before Neville clamped the iron control on the community. She was able to return to the tenets she believed to be right. The relief was huge, of not having to look over her shoulder for Neville or one of the men whenever she did something as simple as trim her hair and put it in curlers. The thing that tore at her heart was leaving her family behind: a son, another daughter, and both their families, as well as Sandy and Dawn. She knew it was unlikely she’d ever see them again and she’d been too frightened of discovery to seek out Phil’s family or Yvette.
Before long, the family heard the news, which cheered them immensely: Naomi had escaped from Gloriavale and gone into hiding. Nobody knew where she was, but Phil hired a private detective who discovered she was living in a caravan at Tahuna Beach Motor Camp in Nelson. Israel rang her up, but instead of being delighted to hear from him, she was terrified. ‘How did you get this number? Who told you I was here? How did you find out where I am? I don’t want you ringing here.’ She refused to talk and hung up.
Her reaction stunned them. They’d been looking forward to a joyous reunion with their much-loved grandma and couldn’t believe she didn’t want anything to do with them. But Phil, true to form, refused to give up. He knew Naomi would be suffering because of leaving her family, and from lack of money. He enlisted the help of Naomi’s long-time friend who had left the community years earlier, asking her to persuade Naomi to let Israel talk to her. Eventually she agreed and he was able to persuade her to accept Phil’s typically generous offer of tickets for Australia. She lived with the family for several months and the reunion was everything the children had hoped for. Crystal and Andreas had no memories of her, but the others all recognised her and remembered her playing with them, teasing them and singing with them. Her grandmother was balm to Tendy. She never felt any criticism from her and Tendy felt that if ever she became a Christian herself, she’d be the same sort of Christian as her Grandma was.
Naomi was with Phil’s family for Christmas 2002, as was the young man who had also escaped from the community. When Naomi asked him what he’d like for Christmas, the other children told her to buy him fudge. She went into town, found a sweet shop, but then had to ring home to ask what flavour. They laughed and told her it was hair product he wanted, and that they were teaching him how to live in the world. Naomi couldn’t believe anyone, especially a young man, would spend a whole $16 on stuff to go on his hair.
She stayed with the family for several months before she went to help nurse her dying sister in Brisbane. The children were thrilled to have their grandmother living with them. Israel had been worried that she would be different, but she was exactly the same loving, funny grandma he remembered from when he was little. Tendy adored her and saw her as the one who was a true Christian. She never preached at Tendy or told her off, always loving her no matter what she did.
And Tendy did plenty. Coming up to her sixteenth birthday that December, she put Bev and Phil through hell. Phil sat her down and tried to make her see sense. He was worried about her, and that her wild behaviour was affecting the younger ones. She decided to interpret this as meaning he wanted her to leave home, so she had her birthday and went.
She travelled up and down the coast, drifting from job to job, smoking and drinking and making one bad choice after another. She’d drift home again, move on soon afterwards, and go back into the same destructive lifestyle. Her life hit rock-bottom time and again. Phil tried to help her but her behaviour went against every value he believed in. She wasn’t interested in his recently reclaimed Christianity and it further alienated her.
Tendy met a boy, moved in with him and got pregnant although she didn’t discover that until they’d broken up. He didn’t want anything to do with her and used threats to make her stay away from him, possibly because he’d now got the next girlfriend pregnant, too.
Tendy was in debt, she was drinking and smoking heavily, and pregnant. In the end, she got desperate and rang Israel in Brisbane where he was at university doing a business degree. She poured out her troubles to the brother who had always been the stable, reliable presence in her life. He and Justine clubbed together to bring her home, and persuaded her to tell Phil and Bev. That was good because now she had her family around her again, but bad because, as Christians, they didn’t want her to have an abortion. Tendy didn’t know what she wanted, but she knew that it was her life and she’d have to make a decision soon.
It was Christmas, and again Phil took them all to Christchurch. Before they left he suggested to Crystal that she ring the community to ask if they could visit their mother and Dawn while they were in New Zealand. Crystal wasn’t keen after the previous experience, but in the end she rang; they were given permission, and pressed to stay for a few days. She declined the invitation to stay, saying that they’d just go for the day. The family flew to New Zealand and on the day of the appointment Bev drove them over to the coast. The children hadn’t wanted her to come because they didn’t want her abused the way she had been the time before, but Phil insisted, knowing they’d be tired and need her when they came back. They dressed carefully, keeping in mind the community’s attitude to dress, however the girls didn’t have any long skirts so they all opted for jeans that weren’t tight, and loose jumpers. Crystal braided her hair. Justine had a nose-ring and for some reason she’s now unable to fathom, didn’t take it out.
The visit began well enough with their mother and Dawn coming out to meet them. It was the first time they’d seen Dawn for about six years and they were excited to be with her again. Then Neville/Hopeful came out and invited them to come inside and sit down. Once he had them captive he got stuck into them: ‘Why do you dress like men?’ ‘Our women dress modestly and it’s beautiful.’ ‘Only pigs wear rings in their noses.’ He kept turning to Sandy, demanding her agreement, calling her by her new name of Prayer.
Sandy/Prayer was distressed by her children’s worldly appearance. But the floor was Hopeful’s. He lectured them about how they had chosen to live with their evil father in a world of adultery and wickedness. Israel spoke up but Hopeful refuted everything with biblical quotes. Justine said something, too, but that was a major mistake: she was a woman and her place was to be quiet, meek and obedient. The older kids felt sorry for Andreas. He was only 11 and shouldn’t have to suffer this tirade against his own father. Also, he was the only one who had no memory of their mother. Crystal could at least remember her face, and the older ones had definite memories, but Andreas just had to sit there listening to his grandfather while this stranger nodded in response to Hopeful saying, ‘Isn’t that so, Prayer?’ ‘You tell them, Prayer.’ All of them noticed that she didn’t directly agree that their father was all the terrible things Hopeful said he was.
They sat quiet and endured, waiting for it to be over. At last they were allowed to go with their mother and Dawn to their rooms, and the day improved. However, Hopeful hovered around, never leaving them alone for long with their mother.
When he wasn’t there, Sandy was more like herself and talked about when they were little. Dawn told them her memories of living in Australia.
The best thing was meeting ten-year-old Cherish. She looked like Justine and Andreas, but they could all see traces of their own faces in hers. It was the highlight of the day, but she was only allowed to stay with them for a couple of minutes before she had to go and do her chores. Tendy suspects they were trying to protect her from evil influences, or perhaps from being seduced by her worldly siblings.
Whenever Hopeful was in the room, conversation faltered and they couldn’t say what they wanted to. All the time, too, the meeting they’d been subjected to when they arrived hung over them, but they tried to simply enjoy being with Dawn and their mother. The day was charged with a whole mix of emotions and was extremely tiring. It ended with Hopeful and their mother driving them around the community, with Hopeful conducting the tour as if he were trying to sell the place. They felt like strangers, like people he’d never met before. Towards the end, he leaned towards Sandy and they held a whispered conversation.
Their mother turned around and told her children again how disappointed she was that they were so worldly and that in a way it might have been better had she not given birth to them. Her parting words were that unless they came to be with her in the community and live the way she did, then this would be the last time they met and that she’d never see them again.
Then Bev arrived with the van. Sandy demanded to know what she was doing there; the atmosphere cooled noticeably and they climbed in with Bev and drove away. The children each made their own interpretation of the incident.
Israel: ‘I could understand on some level that it hadn’t been my mother saying those hurtful things, that it was just the community rhetoric and that she’d been manipulated into saying them. But it doesn’t make the pain any less, of hearing your mother say that.’
Justine: ‘On the way home, Bev was asking us what happened, and then it pretty much hit us. The whole way home we were quiet – a bit of crying, too, and I kept thinking, oh my gosh, did that really happen? She doesn’t want any contact with us from now on. Oh my gosh, we’re never going to see her again. What a way to leave, to finish it.’
Tendy: ‘We just left with no nice goodbye. We were all so upset and so exhausted. Just to go there and be ripped apart by your mother you hadn’t seen for years, and to see your sister – and all the mixed emotions. It was so exhausting and I remember sleeping the whole way back. We were crying and then we all fell asleep. I remember Mum saying she was disappointed and how in a way it would have been better if she hadn’t had us because of the way we were living and how we turned out. But I never took it that she wished she had never had us. I know that Justine and the rest of the kids did, but I never felt it was said like that.’
Crystal: ‘Oh! Crush the day! We went away and we were all just silent on the way home. We all slept so we didn’t have to cry. It was a bit hard having your mum talk like that, even if she hasn’t been in our life that much.’
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN: FALLOUT
I’d got to the end of myself and I didn’t want to live this day-to-day life where I had to worry about bills and stress. So I had this idea: I’m just going to go and live in the community. I’m just going to go. I don’t care. I knew what it was like but I didn’t care. TENDY
The visit with their mother affected all the children. For Justine it compounded the stress she felt coping with her school work, living away from home, and having to say goodbye to her family for another six months. She went through a bad patch of depression when she couldn’t go on pretending she didn’t care that her mother had left her. She spent a lot of time talking with Faith and was finally able to confront some of what she felt about her mother leaving them.
Israel, back at university in Brisbane, struggled to understand how God who was supposed to love his children had allowed their family to suffer so much hurt. He more or less abandoned his religion and became extremely cynical. He argued with his father about the way Phil had handled things in the past, and now that Israel was studying business he wasn’t slow in telling him that he disagreed with his business methods, too. Relations between them were strained but they were managing to get along until Israel brought home his best friend from university. Phil recognised at once the manipulative control this young man exerted over his son, but Israel wouldn’t hear any criticism of his friend, which quickly escalated the tensions between father and son.
One evening the whole situation blew up, ending with Phil giving Israel an ultimatum: Do what I want or you’re not part of this family. It’s my way or the highway.
At the time, he didn’t even hear the echo of Neville.
Israel chose the highway, walked out of the house, and returned to Brisbane. He remained estranged from his father and his sense of isolation was extreme. Bubbling away underneath everything was the revelation that his mother was sorry she had given birth to him. That visit to her in Gloriavale affected the four older children deeply.
For Tendy, the visit was just one more addition to the mess her life was in. She was a disappointment to her mother, even though Sandy knew nothing about the pregnancy. Tendy still had no idea what she was going to do about the baby, but the decision was taken out of her hands when she had a miscarriage. Her life continued to spiral downwards. She was desperately unhappy, hurting emotionally, and directionless. Her finances were a mess and so were her personal relationships. She kept pushing people away and didn’t care who she hurt in the process.
The community suddenly seemed like a haven, a place where her problems would be taken from her, where she wouldn’t have to think or to worry. They would look after her and they would love her. She rang Sandy and told her she wanted to come over and live there. That call led to hours of phone conversation with her mother over about three weeks. When Sandy criticised Phil, Tendy let her. All her problems were her father’s fault and she refused to stick up for him. Under Sandy’s influence, she became a Christian. She rang all the friends she’d hurt, asking them to forgive her.
Despite her new-found faith, she still felt desperate, but the community was starting to seem less of an attractive solution. She turned again to Israel and again poured out her troubles to him. His own life was a mess but one of ‘his’ children had asked for help and he gave it. He listened to her, then suggested that she pray about it and ask God to help her, failing to mention that he was questioning his own Christian commitment. She took his advice and also decided to tell Sandy she would go to stay in the community, but only for a couple of months. She wouldn’t commit herself to saying she’d stay forever.
The community bought her air tickets, but they didn’t want her to spend time with Justine in Christchurch beforehand. However, Tendy hadn’t been schooled to obedience; she wanted to spend a week with her sister and they could like it or lump it. The prospect of her visit led to communication between the inside and outside members of the family. Justine was able to tell her mother and Dawn about her engagement when she rang to discuss arrangements for them to collect Tender-Joy from Justine’s house.
When Tendy arrived, Justine showed her the nightgown Dawn had made her for her wedding night. It wasn’t exactly the last word in sexy lingerie.
As the week went by Tendy got nervous about the whole idea of staying in the community. Maybe she’d go for just six weeks, or a month – perhaps two weeks. Sandy and Dawn came to pick her up from Justine’s and were delighted to see her. Justine kept aloof, wary after the disastrous visit to the community, but she took the opportunity to invite them to her wedding. Sandy’s response was to ask if Phil would be there. Justine said, ‘Of course he will be.’ She wasn’t surprised when her mother said she wouldn’t go anywhere within a thousand metres of where he was.
Justine didn’t argue. There was no point. ‘Come and stand at the back of the church if you’d like to.’ Sandy didn’t commit herself to that either and Justine was pretty sure neither of
them would come, but she felt good that she’d been able to ask her and that she and Dawn had met Dion, her fiancé.
Tendy, Sandy and Dawn talked non-stop all the way back to Gloriavale. Tendy’s spirits lifted. It had been a good decision to come. This was her mum and it was so great to see her sister again. When they arrived at Gloriavale, people crowded round to welcome her. Loving family surrounded her; she was royalty and nothing was too much trouble. Dawn and Sandy took her to their dormitory where they had prepared a top bunk for her, making it up with the silk-covered doona Dawn had sewn for her. Tendy climbed up and found the platter of nuts and chocolates they’d put there especially for her.
They gave her a blue dress to wear in place of the jeans and jumper she’d arrived in. Okay, she thought, I can do this.
She went into the bathroom to change, and burst out laughing at the girl in the mirror who looked like a total idiot in the long blue dress. When she came out, everyone told her how lovely she looked.
Hopeful sat down beside her. He put his hand on her leg and told her how beautiful she was. She wanted to yell at him to take his hand off her, but she didn’t want to get kicked out. It took all her resolution not to react. This was the man who’d caused so much hurt in her life; she knew all the stories of what he’d done, and now here he was with his hand on her leg, telling her she was beautiful and how happy they all were that she was here.
Everywhere she went in the community, people came up to her and welcomed her. She met aunts, uncles, cousins, and everyone called her Tender-Joy. She met another girl called Tender-Joy whose parents had named her in honour of Sandy/Prayer’s lost children. She discovered that her mother had enormous status in the community because she was the one who had been willing to give up her children for the love of God; she was the one who had made an immense sacrifice.
