by Quinn Conroy
pocket. Ten seconds!
131
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 131
7/31/12 2:42 PM
Your laugh gets decidedly more evil- sounding when
you’ve had sugar. I’m
talking sociopath- quality.
132
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 132
7/31/12 2:42 PM
When my boss was visiting and you yelled, “Someone
wipe my butt!” down the
stairs? Yeah, not your
best moment.
133
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 133
7/31/12 2:42 PM
134
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 134
7/31/12 2:42 PM
It’s times like this when I realize I am
never, ever going
to agree to have
another child.
135
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 135
7/31/12 2:42 PM
Lying on the floor screaming
your damn head off will not
entice me to let you have a
sleepover. Do you really think
I want five more of you little
assholes around here?
136
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 136
7/31/12 2:42 PM
I love you, but no, I don’t think you’re
really going to be
an astronaut.
137
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 137
7/31/12 2:42 PM
138
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 138
7/31/12 2:42 PM
I know, I know, that sweater is awful. But
Aunt Gertrude expects
to see it on you, and the
bitch holds a grudge.
139
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 139
7/31/12 2:42 PM
Out of the many lies I’ve told you, the
usefulness of math is
probably the biggest.
140
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 140
7/31/12 2:42 PM
Your light saber isn't actually broken. I took the
batteries out when you
were asleep because you
were annoying the crap
out of me. Deal with it.
141
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 141
7/31/12 2:42 PM
142
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 142
7/31/12 2:42 PM
You do realize
that Elmo has
a hand up his
butt, right?
143
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 143
7/31/12 2:42 PM
You’re so right. Brussels sprouts are disgusting.
They’re like giant, round,
green boogers. But the
great part about being a
grownup is that I’m sure
as hell not going to eat
them…but you are!
144
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 144
7/31/12 2:42 PM
I'm afraid you're not the sharpest tool in the shed.
You once hid a potato under
your pillow and tried to
feed it because you thought
it looked like Grandpa.
145
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 145
7/31/12 2:42 PM
Yes, I knew that a taste of buttermilk might lead
to projectile vomit.
That’s why I aimed you
toward Uncle Howard’s
horrible new tie.
146
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 146
7/31/12 2:42 PM
147
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 147
7/31/12 2:42 PM
I used your bedwetting to get out of a playdate
with the Greers. So, if you
see that kid Tommy, act
tired. And if he points and
laughs...you know why.
148
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 148
7/31/12 2:42 PM
Yes, I know exactly when you’re lying.
But that doesn’t mean
I always care.
149
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 149
7/31/12 2:42 PM
150
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 150
7/31/12 2:42 PM
It wasn’t the Tooth Fairy who was incredibly cheap.
It was me! Honey, you’re
seriously overestimating
the value of that
grody- ass tooth.
151
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 151
7/31/12 2:42 PM
I would tell you to stop
kicking that guy's seat,
but he totally just
yelled at the flight
attendant and is obviously
a dick. So...kick away!
152
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 152
7/31/12 2:42 PM
Yes, I’m aware that your snooping in my underwear
drawer will mean therapy
later on in life. Good luck
with that.
153
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 153
7/31/12 2:42 PM
154
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 154
7/31/12 2:42 PM
I bet any money that this thing will be covered
with your disgusting,
slimy slobber within
ten seconds.
155
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 155
7/31/12 2:42 PM
Little Cindy gave you a Valentine, huh? Did
she explain exactly
what she saw in you?
156
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 156
7/31/12 2:42 PM
At the time, I scolded you. But when you said
"pooping is awesome!" in the mall bathroom,
I really had to agree.
157
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 157
7/31/12 2:42 PM
Release that poor man!
I hate to break it to you,
but he ain’t magic. If Santa
were real, do you think he’d
smell so clearly of whiskey
and menthol cigarettes?
158
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 158
7/31/12 2:42 PM
159
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 159
7/31/12 2:42 PM
When you were a baby, oys you
we just wrapped t
already owned and gave
them to you as birthday t.
presents. Man, I miss tha
160
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 160
7/31/12 2:42 PM
I admit it:
I'm jealous that pants
are optional for you.
161
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 161
7/31/12 2:42 PM
162
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 162
7/31/12 2:42 PM
No, Mommy and
Daddy weren’t
actually wrestling
when you walked in
without knocking.
163
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 163
7/31/12 2:42 PM
I'm not looking forward to you joining Facebook or Twitter.
I'll have to go back and delete
all the embarrassing things
about you that I shared with
the world...like when you got
us kicked out of the store for
playing with yourself in
the produce aisle.
164
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 164
7/31/12 2:42 PM
No, you can’t have a German shepherd. No one should have
a pet smarter than they are.
165
IAteAllYourCookies
.indd 165
7/31/12 2:42 PM
166
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 166
7/31/12 2:42 PM
Your resemblance to a hungover Rush Limbaugh
is really starting to
freak me out.
167
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 167
7/31/12 2:42 PM
I have to try really hard not to get offended when people
say you look just like me.
168
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 168
7/31/12 2:42 PM
So it turns out that you're right about your
teacher. She really
is a smelly weirdo!
Man, it sucks to be
youÑsummer's never
going to come!
169
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 169
7/31/12 2:42 PM
You know how you fart in your sleep? Well, let’s just
say that after the one
millionth view, you are now
officially Internet famous.
170
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 170
7/31/12 2:42 PM
Your music is an undiscovered instrument of torture. When
you’re thirty, I’m going to
play Kidzbop nonstop in your
ears and see how well you
hold up.
171
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 171
7/31/12 2:42 PM
172
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 172
7/31/12 2:42 PM
I’ll still love you when you’re the socially
awkward teenager who
corrects the grammar on
his classmates’ tweets.
I’m just not sure they will.
173
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 173
7/31/12 2:42 PM
There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you:
You look really dumb
when you cry.
174
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 174
7/31/12 2:42 PM
When I tell you how proud I am that you pooped in
the toilet, what I'm really
thinking is: "When in the
hell will you learn to wipe
yourself already?"
175
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 175
7/31/12 2:42 PM
176
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 176
7/31/12 2:42 PM
If I find one more booger wiped onto
a wall, you're going to
be wearing mittens
year-round.
177
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 177
7/31/12 2:42 PM
You are basically unintelligible eighty
percent of the time,
but that doesn’t mean
I want you to repeat
yourself.
178
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 178
7/31/12 2:42 PM
You are basically unintelligible eighty
I'm not saying that
percent of the time,
you're dumber than a
but that doesn’t mean
bird. I'm just saying
I want you to repeat
that they don't
yourself.
require help to poop.
179
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 179
7/31/12 2:42 PM
180
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 180
7/31/12 2:42 PM
Now you’re all cleaned off and cute- like, but damn,
you were gross- looking
when you first came out.
181
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 181
7/31/12 2:42 PM
It's okay that you're not the smartest, honey.
You're cute. You can
marry a smart girl when
you're older who can do
all your thinking for you.
182
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 182
7/31/12 2:42 PM
I generally stop listening to you tell
me about your day
after thirty seconds
of “and then we drew
shapes and then…”
183
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 183
7/31/12 2:42 PM
The only thing worse
than the sound of you
singing is the sound
of you singing in
unison with others
just like you.
184
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 184
7/31/12 2:42 PM
The only thing worse than the sound of you
singing is the sound
of you singing in
unison with others
just like you.
185
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 185
7/31/12 2:42 PM
Really? Again?
How hard is
an escalator?
Figure it out.
186
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 186
7/31/12 2:42 PM
My first clue that your teacher doesn’t like you?
The stack of military
school brochures she
handed me at parent-
teacher night.
187
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 187
7/31/12 2:42 PM
188
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 188
7/31/12 2:42 PM
You are the number-one reason Mommy's
hoo- ha will never be
quite the same again.
189
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 189
7/31/12 2:42 PM
I would go to the zoo even if I didn’t have you. But
thanks for giving me a good
cover story. In return, you
can have a snow cone, even
though it cost twenty cents
for the ice and fifteen e
dollars for being insid
zoo property.
190
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 190
7/31/12 2:42 PM
I would go to the zoo even if I didn’t have you. But
thanks for giving me a good
I think we can agree
cover story. In return, you
can have a snow cone, even
that now that you're
though it cost twenty cents
potty- trained, it's
for the ice and fifteen e
time you get a job.
dollars for being insid
zoo property.
191
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 191
7/31/12 2:42 PM
192
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 192
7/31/12 2:42 PM
Yeah, you better start saving. Because when I’m
in diapers, it’s payback
time. You’re going to need
to hire some extra help.
193
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 193
7/31/12 2:42 PM
Your timeout area
when you were younger
was an overturned
laundry basket with
a book on top.
194
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 194
7/31/12 2:42 PM
Let’s face it— I’m no
Your timeout area
t
a perfect parent. But
when you were younger
you’re not a perfe
was an overturned
ct
kid, so it’s all good.
laundry basket with
a book on top.
195
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 195
7/31/12 2:42 PM
I don’t really remember what eight hours of sleep
felt like. And I only have
&n
bsp; you to blame.
196
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 196
7/31/12 2:42 PM
Payback will come, my dear. I have a list of
things I’m going to tell
your first boyfriend.
#1: the time you got naked
at Aunt Molly’s wedding
ceremony and peed on
her dress. In church.
197
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 197
7/31/12 2:42 PM
198
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 198
7/31/12 2:42 PM
Huh. Who knew?
Sugar crashes make
you look exactly
like a deranged
sea monster.
199
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 199
7/31/12 2:42 PM
The first thing I’m goi Okay, so you’re not
ng to
teach you when you l
really allergic to
earn
to drive is how to pro
apricots. It’s just
perly
flip someone off wh
that you loved them
ile
simultaneously honk
so much as a little
ing.
voc
kid, it wreaked ha
on our plumbing.
200
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 200
7/31/12 2:42 PM
The first thing I’m goi Okay, so you’re not
ng to
teach you when you l
really allergic to
earn
to drive is how to pro
apricots. It’s just
perly
flip someone off wh
that you loved them
ile
simultaneously honk
so much as a little
ing.
voc
kid, it wreaked ha
on our plumbing.
201
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 201
7/31/12 2:42 PM
202
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 202
7/31/12 2:42 PM
I'm not going to say you were an accident. But I
am going to say that a
lot of alcohol was
consumed that night.
203
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 203
7/31/12 2:42 PM
Acknowledgments
A lot of unvented sarcasm and hostility went into the making of this book. Many thanks to Philip, Shana, Tina, Patrick, Kelly B., Greg, Kay, Krista Joy, Kelly B.S., Heather, and Sarah for shar-ing their hidden (and not-so-hidden) dark sides.
And, of course, much appreciation to the child overlords who are the inspiration for so many deep-seeded feelings. Good luck, kids, when you ( gulp) take over the world for real one of these days. Well, really, good luck to us all when that happens.
IAteAllYourCookies.indd 205
