by Saba Kapur
One thing was certain; I was majorly overdressed. And not just because my outfit was expensive. It was because my dress actually covered more than an inch of my body. I’ve had my fair share of dressing like a stripper, don’t get me wrong. But this was something else. It seemed that clothes were just optional, and no one opted for them. I was trying my best not to judge every girl that walked past, but they were giving me so much to raise my eyebrows about.
A pair of girls dressed as vampires walked past holding plastic cups filled with what smelled like straight vodka, which no doubt they would be regretting within the hour. They smiled at Milo when they walked passed and my heart almost stopped. If I saw any fang marks on Batman that night, I was going to lose my shit. Fortunately for me, Milo wasn’t even paying attention to the barely dressed vampires. He leaned down close, pulling me away from the entrance.
“Keep close!” Milo shouted over the music, and I nodded obediently. “This place is crazy!”
Milo slipped his hand into the hand that wasn’t wrapped around my bag, and I went dead still. He gave me a look as if asking if it was okay, but I didn’t move. Milo Fells was freaking holding my hand! He was actually making physical contact with me! In what universe was that not okay! The feeling was almost indescribable. It was like someone handing you a bag of M&Ms and a plate full of brownies during your time of month, when the cramps have just kicked in and you’re dying of pain. Tears of joy just appear out of thin air before you can even rip the bag of chocolate open.
Apparently, Milo took my lack of movement as a go sign, because he tugged on my hand and pulled me further into the crowd. We watched silently as the music got louder and the dance moves made a turn for the worse. There was some weird trance beat playing that was assaulting my eardrums, but everyone else in the room seemed to love it. It seemed that these people thought costumes were a free pass to do whatever with whomever. I had seen young people get crazily drunk before, but I was impressed that most of these people were even standing. The plus side was that even with the mask covering half his face, Milo was easily the hottest guy there, and he was holding my hand! It practically took every fiber of strength that I had not to burst out into tears and sing the hallelujah chorus to the heavens. Not that the heavens really needed a reminder of their creation, he was going on the hall of fame list for sure.
“YO BROSEPH!” A guy dressed as fireman called out to Milo.
“Are those your friends?” I asked, and Milo shook his head in confusion.
“YO! BROSEPH! GET OVER HERE MAN.” Another pretend fireman yelled.
The college firemen were all attractive with well-toned abs that they were proudly showing off through their lack of shirts. In ordinary circumstances I’d be all over that, but they were nothing compared to Milo, who was hands-down the hottest cop ever after Mark Wahlberg. But really, he doesn’t count because he was just acting, and he’d look just as sexy in a KFC uniform.
The group of four firemen walked over to Milo and gave him a manly hug. One of them was trying to jump on his back, affectionately I presume, and I was scared I would have to let go of Milo’s hand. But I clung on for dear life, even though I was certain I had pulled a few muscles. No way was I voluntarily going to pass up the chance to touch Milo Fells. That sucker was going to have to get in line.
“Dude! This is our song, man! Where you been?” The blonde fireman asked, beaming at Milo, who looked completely perplexed.
I suddenly recognized him as the guy who had given me the flyer in the first place, and frantically looked around the room, hoping to hide my face so that he wouldn’t recognize me. The stupid cat ears were doing nothing for the outfit or a possible disguise, and kept sliding off my head.
“Oh, I’ve just been . . .”Milo began uncertainly. “Around.”
He glanced at me and I shrugged. Neither of us knew who this “Broseph” was, but according to the firemen, he was now Milo. The boys’ gazes followed Milo’s and settled on me. I looked at them with an awkward smile, avoiding eye contact with the blonde one.
“PETE!” One of them shrieked, and I was about ninety percent sure I had lost hearing in one ear. “TURN THE MUSIC DOWN.”
Almost immediately the volume of the music was reduced, but no one seemed to notice. People were still packed on the dance floor like sardines.
“Sup.” I said. I needed to stop doing that. It was not helping my cause.
“Well, hello,” a brunette fireman said, slipping his arm across my shoulders and pulling me into him.
“So who’s this beautiful creature, Broseph?” another one asked Milo.
I gave Milo a desperate look. Behind his batman mask I could see he was just as lost as I was.
“Um—” Milo began, but was immediately cut off.
“Hey, don’t I know you from somewhere?” The blonde fireman asked me, narrowing his eyes.
“Nope!” I exclaimed a little too enthusiastically. “That’s impossible! I just moved here today from . . . Greenland.”
From the corner of my eye I could see Milo trying to suppress a laugh. Greenland? What the hell was wrong with my brain?
“Okay . . .” The blonde guy said, dragging the word out as he gave me a judgy look.
Milo pulled me closer to him, forcing the brunette fireman to release his hold on me. If I weren’t insanely uncomfortable with the whole situation, I would have had some time to concentrate on returning my heart beat to a normal speed.
“She got a name?” one of the boys asked, resting his arm on his friend’s shoulder.
“Uh . . .” Milo said, struggling to improvise with the whole situation.
Up until then I had been positive that every police officer should have the ability to make up facts on the spot, but Milo was evidently caught off guard. Any name would have done the job. I doubted any of those fraternity boys would have remembered if my name were Candice, or something like Ethel. Hell, if I had said Roger, they still probably wouldn’t have cared. I’d be impressed if they even remembered their own names.
“Well do you want to dance, pussycat?” A fireman yelled over the music, thankfully losing interest in the topic.
“Uh, thanks. But my heels are—”
“What!”
“—killing me.”
“Well who says you have to use your feet?” The blonde one asked, grinning.
I gave a small shriek as he suddenly scooped me up and slung me over his shoulder, yanking Milo’s hand out of mine. I kicked him slightly, trying to let him know that this was not my idea of fun, but he barely felt it. His fellow fireman friends all cheered around us as if I was a human sacrifice and the ritual was taking place on the dance floor. Milo came into view amongst the sea of partygoers and I shot him an alarmed look, trying desperately to save my dignity and adjust my dress from the back. Milo gave me a lost look behind his mask, clearly trying to figure out what he could do without the use of his police badge. How the hell was I meant to get a hold of information on Ao Jie Kai when I couldn’t even get a hold of my date!
My new friend placed me effortlessly down next to him on the dance floor, calling for Pete to turn the music up again. Beside me there were two people who were passionately making out, alcohol spilling out of their cups. The frisky fireman snaked his arm around my waist as I reached up to adjust my cat ears, and my eyes immediately scanned the room for Milo. Where the hell was he? Oh right, he was being mauled alive by a group of girls dressed in sexy Minnie Mouse outfits. Jeez, it had been all of four seconds and all the females in the room had flocked. All I could do was stand and watch helplessly while being violated by some sexed up college boy who was aggressively thrusting his pelvis against me like his life depended on it.
“IT’S COOL. BROSEPH’S FINE!” The blonde guy assured me, and I forced a smile.
I was holding onto my clutch with such intensity, my knuckles were going white. Thankfully, the f
rat boys didn’t seem too interested in making conversation with “Broseph’s” new girlfriend, but they didn’t seem to mind getting a little sexual with her. I had always been kind of excited about the idea of a bachelorette party, but my first college party experience was less Magic Mike and more Molestation Mike.
Pete the DJ taco changed the song to a Pitbull remix, and the whole crowd threw their hands in the air. I took the opportunity to move a little away from the firemen, but the dance floor was so packed there was really no point. I needed to get off the dance floor and find Milo, ASAP. Screw Ao Jie Kai, getting out of the party alive and fully dressed was the biggest problem on my mind. I pulled the blonde fireman closer toward me, cringing at his excited look. Clearly Broseph, whoever he was, shared an open relationship policy with his friends. I yelled into his ear, asking where the bathroom was. He pulled away, raising an eyebrow with a smile.
“Not for that!” I yelled over the music, and his smile dropped a little. “I need to pee!”
Blondie pointed toward a door near the stairs on the left side of the room. My eyes scanned the crowd for Milo, but I still couldn’t find him. There was no use calling him, he’d never be able to hear his phone over the music. I danced my way through the crowd to the bathroom and pushed the door open. Three Powerpuff Girls looked at me questioningly as they coated their lips with gloss. Sitting on the toilet with the lid down was a boy dressed as a pirate, passionately making out with Wonder Woman, who was straddling him.
Well clearly Milo wasn’t hiding in there. I headed for the stairway and passed two other girls with similar cat ears, a guy dressed as a giant cockroach, and a smurf before finally reaching the staircase, using the light from my phone to guide me. Dr. D hadn’t tried to contact me and I could have passed Ao Jie Kai a billion times already and not known, seeing as I had no clue what he looked like. Was I supposed to find every Asian guy here and ask if he was stalking me? Not a chance. We’d been at the party for about three minutes and I was beyond ready to go home and withdraw all of my college applications.
I made my way upstairs, being careful not to bother a showgirl making out with what looked like a spring roll, and the giant pizza and the Joker who were filming it. I scanned the dance floor for any sign of Milo and that impeccable jacket, but came up short. There was a Minnie Mouse near the DJ table, but Batman didn’t seem to be with her. Thankfully, level two of the frat house was slightly less crowded than below, but there were still people everywhere. At least I could actually hear myself think. Everywhere I looked there were people drinking, smoking, laughing, making out or lying unconscious somewhere. At one point I spotted a guy in a very convincing LAPD uniform talking to a girl dressed as a ketchup bottle. I doubted he was a real cop because he was drinking straight from a vodka bottle, ignoring his five or ten dollar plastic cup. On the off chance he was an actual cop, something drastic needed to be done about our legal system.
Aside from the overly sexual college students drinking away their futures and capturing it in a series of selfies, the fraternity brothers definitely had some good equipment going for them. There was a large plasma TV in the living room area upstairs, with an X-Box and a Wii connected to it. Beside the TV, there was a large bookshelf full of DVDs and video games. A big, comfy leather couch faced the TV, and a picture of the Lakers basketball team hung on the wall behind the couch. Heck, I should have just worn that homie outfit of mine, or at least Jack’s pimp shoes. I would have fit in much better in that outfit than in the one I was wearing.
“Hey good looking.” A guy dressed up as Fred Flintstone in an extremely revealing toga-like outfit sauntered up to me.
I eyed him up and down and raised an eyebrow. “Never going to happen, Fred,” I told him, crossing my arms protectively across my chest.
“Oh come on,” he said, stumbling a little. Clearly Fred had had one too many bedrock beers. “I’m still looking for a Betty.”
I sighed, unable to believe that I was actually at such a stupid party. Not only had he gotten his spouses mixed up, I was shocked that he thought he actually had a chance with me.
“When hell freezes over,” I said.
Fred stared at me blankly for a few seconds before walking away without a word. I couldn’t believe I had lost Milo so quickly, my stupid cat ears were giving me a headache and there was no sign of Dr. D or Ao Jie Kai anywhere. I dialed Milo’s number and wasn’t surprised when he didn’t answer his phone. It meant that he was probably still downstairs where the music was the loudest and couldn’t hear the ringing.
I stopped a passing guy wearing nothing but a Rasta hat and a pair of tiny boxer shorts and asked him where the bathroom was. He pointed toward the end of the hallway and danced away. There were multiple white doors upstairs, all closed and looking exactly the same. I now actually needed to pee, and fake Jamaican guy had been no help whatsoever.
Weaving through the crowd, I headed for the doors. I took a lucky guess and opened door number one. Big mistake. Friendly tip, never walk-in on a closed door during a party. It’s traumatic enough to give you mild PTSD.
“EW! Sorry!”
I slammed the door shut, slapping a hand over my eyes in embarrassment, even though I doubted they noticed me. On the bright side, I no longer needed to pee. I did, however, want to soak my eyes in bleach. I was just about ready to begin contemplating the purpose of my existence when I felt my phone vibrating.
Oh crap. No Caller ID.
Chapter Fourteen
“Hello?” I covered my free ear with my hand, hoping to block out some of the noise from the party.
“Hey, it’s me. Just calling to check up on you.”
I sighed with relief. I had grown so used to Jack’s voice; it was such a comfort to hear it among all the madness.
“Jesus, Jack! Why do you have your phone on private?”
“I don’t!” he replied. “The battery’s dead, so I’m calling from Scarlett’s.”
Well gee. He should probably have let a sista know that before scaring her half to death.
“Well, I lost Milo!” I exclaimed in frustration.
“You what?”
“Actually, he kind of lost me. There were these firemen and they were all, hey Broseph, and we were all, who? But then these girls kind of took him while I was being used as a human sacrifice, and now I don’t know where he is!”
Jack was silent for a few seconds, and I checked my phone to see if I had accidently disconnected the call while trying to find a quiet spot to talk. There was no way in hell I was opening another one of those doors. It was like opening up a portal to my very own sexually scarring Narnia.
“I’m not even going to ask,” Jack finally said. “I’m coming to get you, hold tight.”
“No you’re not!” I protested, before I could hear the sound of his car keys leave his pocket. “I’m not a five year old! I just need to find him and get out!”
“Well, have you heard from our stalker friends yet?” Jack asked, clearly stifling a yawn. Lucky him, he was probably lying on a couch enjoying himself while I was struggling not to get abducted.
“Not yet,” I told him. “I mean, Dr. D hasn’t called, but Ao Jie Kai could be standing behind me for all I know. I have no clue what the guy looks like, and everyone here is in costume!”
A muscly guy wearing a pink tutu over his boxers ran past me. He had a halo attached to a headband on his head and sparkly angel wings strapped to his shirtless back.
“TINKERBILL BITCHES!” he yelled to the room, throwing a handful of glitter into the air.
Thanks to my fantastic luck, the glitter seemed to miss everyone else around but me. I shook my head, dusting the glitter from my hair, but I knew I’d be spending hours tomorrow in the shower trying to get it all out.
“What was that?” Jack asked, responding my frustrated groan.
“That was Tinkerbill, the gender confused fairy who just
glitter bombed me!” I cried, dusting glitter off my black dress. Great, maybe now DJ Pete could use me as a disco ball. “Are you laughing at me?” I demanded, unable to believe Jack actually found pleasure in my misfortunes.
“Of course I’m laughing at you!” Jack replied, barely able to speak through his laughter. “Damn, I wish I had been there to see that!”
“I hate you,” I told him, pulling the cat ears off my head and throwing them on the ground next to me. “And I hate this stupid party! I thought my high school parties were bad. This is just crazy!”
“Welcome to the real world, Princess,” Jack said, and I could practically hear his grin over the phone.
“Ugh, whatever! I’m going to go find Milo,” I declared with a sigh. “And then I’m going home, taking a shower, scrubbing myself for three days and then going to sleep. I’m so over college.”
“Sounds like a plan. Call me when you leave.”
I promised I would and hung up. I didn’t care who I had to shove out of the way to get out. I would do it. No more Miss Nice Catwoman. Leaving my ears on the floor, with glitter all over my dress and my head held almost as high as fake Jamaican guy was, I marched past the bedrooms and toward the stairs. There was a large group of partiers blocking my way, standing right in front of the staircase chanting something I couldn’t quite make out. I couldn’t tell what they were so excited about, but damn it, I was going to make it through their rowdy crowd come hell or high water.
