When my mom noticed Claire, she let go of me and rushed over to help her into the house. “You look awful,” she announced to the prettiest girl in town.
I wanted to point out since it was Amos’ baby it was most likely a demon, destroying her from the inside. Instead, I motioned for the two men to stop cowering and come forward. My father arrived at the door and insisted my mother bring us all inside. I don’t think he was worried about his manners, I think he didn’t want people to see I was visiting.
Claire walked right to the sofa to sit and I held onto Julius tightly in case he decided to bolt. I nodded my head toward Shrek and said, “Mom, Dad, this is Amos.” I bit my lip to keep from saying he would be the cop most likely to confuse his dangler with his gun, exposing himself in a robbery and shooting himself when he peed.
They both shook his hand and dad began asking him about his military service. I didn’t like how my father ignored Julius, so I interrupted his Ho Chi Minh retrospection. “This is Julius Carmichael. He’s mine… I mean, he’s with me,” I corrected, not wanting to lay claim to him too early. I gestured toward my parents and said, “These are my folks, Kenneth and Dana Wilson.”
My mother gave him a big hug and flashed her political winning smile. Dad simply looked at him and then said, “The boys can have the back bedroom. You and Claire can stay in your old room.”
Julius nodded appropriately, but Amos looked like someone took away his pacifier, a beautiful blonde pacifier. I was actually a bit relieved, because if my father woke up to profanity and loud pounding filtering through the darkness, somebody was getting something removed.
The guys picked up the bags and waited to be shown where to put them. My mother whispered in my ear that she put my turtle in the closet; obviously she didn’t have faith in Julius like I did. We all started up the stairs when my father called out, “Oh, Erica, guess who is in town.” I turned to look at him, not bothering to guess. He smiled and said, “Shawn Pierson.”
I had gone to school with Shawn. In fact, he was the one to tell all of us in third grade that babies were made by our father’s putting their pee pee’s inside our mothers. I didn’t believe him; I thought my mother would never let my father do something like that when she was so strict about him washing his hands after taking out the trash.
“Is he living here?” I asked, surprised he would come back to Cartwright when he graduated in computer science.
“No, he’s dating Jennifer Staple and came with her. Can you imagine? I thought the boy was smarter than that. I guess God watches over drunks and fools, right, Erica?”
O man, obviously my father had forgotten any Facebook information he had gathered about Julius. He just called my guy a drunken fool and didn’t even know it. But worse yet, Jen ‘bend over’ Staple was in the same small town as Julius for the weekend.
I turned to look at him, expecting to see a pale face or one red with embarrassment. Instead I saw a look of confusion which quickly faded into a hint of anger. “You said your parents call you Tobi?”
Son of a warm biscuit!
Chapter 7
My mother took off with Amos as my father got the grill ready. I was doing my best to ignore Julius’ insinuating glances. I didn’t mean to lie, and it wasn’t like I lied about being faithful. I had a fake name, big deal; at least my breasts were real.
Claire left me to my own devices and went to my room to rest. She was barely pregnant and already napping like a baby herself. I concentrated on making a salad for the barbeque, as if I had never seen lettuce before.
“Erica,” Julius said cynically as he sat in a chair watching me work. “What else haven’t you told me?”
“I don’t like the name Erica,” I began to explain, but he interrupted me.
“Why?”
I exhaled loudly and stomped my foot, because I was an only child and pretty spoiled. “I don’t want to tell you,” I admitted.
He grew really angry and kicked the chair within reach, sending it flying across the room. “You’re joking, right?” he demanded.
I had never seen this side of my guy before. My personality wasn’t one to push buttons and start arguments, but I was one who would forcefully push back if anyone pushed mine. Obviously, he wasn’t paying attention because I was standing there with a very large knife in my hand. If we got into a tossing match, I was definitely going to win.
“No, I’m not joking,” I yelled loudly. “It isn’t that difficult to figure out why, use your brain, Julius.”
His eyes moved back and forth as he struggled to figure out the puzzle. At that moment I wished he was like Kevin, because Kevin never struggled to figure me out. He finally asked, “Because it sounds like Eric?”
Oh great, now I had a whole other reason to hate my name. I glared at him as I held the knife tightly and said, “My initials.” For some reason it didn’t sound as reasonable as it did when I was seven. It wasn’t like my initials were P.U. Julius shook his head because he still didn’t get it. I dropped the knife and said in hysterics, “My initials say ew, okay. I didn’t want to be known as the girl all the guys called ew.”
He laughed at me, so I picked the knife back up… just in case. His voice softened, and he said, “Mine are J.C. Try to live up to those initials.” Luckily, I didn’t have to think too hard because he gave me the answer right away. “Jesus Christ.” Wow, Sara will be so jealous when I tell her my guy is closer to becoming a god than hers.
I threw my arms around him, forgetting to drop the knife and accidently nicking his shirt. I didn’t care what he called me, as long as he never called me Jennifer ‘lick this’ Staple. We were kissing passionately, getting really close to finding tables acceptable when my father walked into the room. He cleared his throat and we obediently separated.
“Erica, why don’t you check on Claire and I’ll chat with Julius,” Dad suggested.
I wasn’t sure if he was concerned for Claire or wanting to threaten my guy. I walked backward to the stairs and watched the look of fear grow on Julius’ face. He made me eat with his messed-up family dynamic, so a chat with my father should be nothing. I peeked in on Claire and found her sleeping soundly, so I got my turtle from the closet and sat against the wall, hugging it as I listened to my father and Julius talk.
They sat down in lawn chairs on the deck and my father offered him a beer, surely it was poisoned, and he would grab his throat and writhe all over the deck as he struggled to breathe. Julius would look so hot writhing. But, he wasn’t writhing, or grabbing anything, he was only talking.
“I’m sure you want somebody much better for your daughter, I’m emotionally terrified of another relationship. I keep choosing the wrong women and I’m not sure I can go through it again. I don’t understand Tobi, at all, but I know I ache when I’m away from her and I’ve never felt the way she makes me feel.”
Ah, he was baring his soul to my dad, but shouldn’t he be baring it to me? I guess if he had to choose rather to bare his soul or his dangler to me, I liked his choice.
“My daughter sees the world differently than most people,” my father said, and I pulled my knees up to my chest and closed my eyes, knowing I was going to hear his disappointment that his daughter was a squiggle. “When she was small she would talk about a bear that watched over her when she played. It took me three years to understand what she meant. Look over there,” my dad instructed, and pointed out the old tree with knots that formed a silhouette of a bear. “Erica is different. If you are choosing the wrong women, maybe different is what you need. But, she deserves a man who will love her the way she is and appreciates the spirit inside that is so full of love.”
I had tears running onto my knees and down my legs. I had to admit I was pretty shocked at my father’s words and pretty darned emotional, too.
“I want you to know I am financially secure, your daughter would never want for anything,” Julius said confidently, but my dad only laughed.
“You’re wrong, money means nothing to her a
nd she will always want something bizarre and unexpected.”
I felt the overwhelming need to defend myself. I’m sorry, but I don’t feel it was illogical to want poop from one of Santa’s reindeer for Christmas. It wasn’t like I had planned to do anything with it, I just wanted proof they existed. And, I was only five for heaven’s sake.
“May I have your permission to propose to your daughter when the time feels right?” Julius asked my father.
Wha… huh…. duh…. gah…. pfft…. eh. Being flabbergasted was not a new emotion for me, but right now I felt like I just awoke from a coma on a different planet.
“You’ll need her permission, not mine,” Dad said, and I could tell he was now getting emotional. He wasn’t tongue tied like I was, but he was having a difficult time getting the words out.
I had no idea Julius was so serious about our relationship so quickly. He hadn’t even been divorced for a month and he was already talking about marriage again. He wasn’t a serial killer, he was a serial proposer. I admit I love him, but I still have so much to learn about him…. like, how he ended up with Jen in the first place. And he knew so little about me, like I was allergic to blueberries, or that I loved scary movies, or why I called my toes Wilber.
I had an overwhelming need for chocolate chips when my cell phone rang. I answered it quickly, so Julius wouldn’t know I could hear them and said softly, “This is Tobi.”
I heard loud sobbing from the other end of the line. “Tobi,” sniff*sniff*, “this is Sara. You have to help me, you just have to,” she cried.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, unsure how I could help when I was four hours away.
“Travis’ family is coming from Georgia. How am I supposed to lie to them? I know nothing about the South. You have to help me,” she demanded through her tears.
“When are they coming?” I asked, wondering just how much time I had to prepare.
“Next weekend… Sunday, I think.”
I laughed at her lack of confidence in me. A week was like a year in squiggle time. I assured her everything was going to be fine. I would take care of all the details and the Stovalls would be welcoming her into the family by Sunday night. I hung up just as I heard my mother and Amos return. I woke up Claire and we headed downstairs toward the smell of grilled steaks.
I was making a plate of food for both me and my guy when Jack walked into view. I completely forgot about Jack coming by this weekend and I didn’t think about Julius being near the guy who screwed his ex into confessing she only wanted his money.
Julius stood slowly and faced Jack with a look of fury. Jack gave Julius a sneer and said, “What’s your problem, dickless?”
Excuse me, but my guy is far from dickless, in fact, he was more than amply endowed. I was working off a pretty nice visual in my head when I suddenly became aware of a lot of commotion going on around me. Amos had Jack on the ground with his foot on his back, his arm pulled and twisted and held tightly in his grasp. My far from dickless guy was getting up off the ground and rubbing the foot print on his chest.
“Are we all going to calm down?” Amos was demanding.
“Did you kick my Julius?” I yelled at Moby dickless.
“Yeah, I did,” Amos said, as if he was already wearing a badge. He turned his attention away from me and back to the ground. “If I let you up, are you going to behave?” he asked Jack.
“Sure, I only want the surfboard,” he said, and glared at Julius.
My dad came walking out of the house and nodded for Jack to join him as he headed to the shed. I walked over to check Julius for wounds and to make plans for Amos’ death.
“Are you okay?” I asked and pulled up his shirt to see if he was bruised, but all I saw was beautiful, gorgeous, unharmed skin. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think about you and Jack running into each other,” I said, and wondered why he was mad at Jack.
You would think they would be best friends after everything Jack did to get Julius free from Jennifer. Maybe he was simply used to fighting random men over his wife. I was a bit impressed he remembered what Jack’s face looked like, I mean, did he really look at his face that closely as he watched the video?
“No, I’m sorry,” he said as his head dropped. “I thought he was coming to see you.”
Me? He was fighting for me? Wow, he was fighting for me. I wanted my dad to drag Jack and his diseased dangler back to the deck, so Julius could finish fighting for me. As much as I was complimented by his actions, I also realized just how insecure he was. I had to think of some way to prove how loyal I could be.
“If I wanted to see him, I wouldn’t have you here. I don’t do that, Julius.”
He nodded, but I could tell he still didn’t believe me. Jen did a lot of damage and I wanted to smack her for it. He was so easy to love, and she took advantage of his goodness. I took his hand and brought him over to the table to sit as I finished making his plate.
For some unexplained reason, Claire decided to ask a question, the worst question imaginable. I think being pregnant has made her mean and spiteful. She looked at Julius and asked, “If you could have a free pass to sleep with any woman in the world, who would it be?”
Yeah, ask him about women of the world while he is eating on a back deck with a girl from Cartwright. My biggest fear was coming true, Claire was turning into Amos. But my guy was too quick for her to pull something over on him. He was ready with the perfect answer. “Tobi is the only woman for me,” he said like a good boy.
“But, what if she was dead?” Claire asked. I really, really, hope her baby is ugly… I mean, people gathering with pitch forks kind of ugly. The kind of ugly only a mother could love because it is mandated by the state.
“Then I would want to be dead, too,” Julius said, and winked at me.
Was he perfect or what? “I’ll take you with me, babe,” I promised, and he chuckled a bit… as if he didn’t mean for me to kill him if I ended up leaving this not perfectly round planet. So, I’m betting there is some Brazilian model he is creaming over.
My dad returned and patted Amos on the back like a good donkey and said, “I was very impressed with how you handled yourself.”
What the heck! Was he kidding? He didn’t even point out how stupid Amos was for knocking down Julius and not just Jack. “He kicked my guy in the chest,” I motioned vehemently with my hand, in case nobody had noticed.
“Well,” Dad said knowingly, “I’m sure he has done something in the past to deserve it. Perhaps touched something he shouldn’t have touched?” Oh, yeah, my dad was right; Julius really should be punished for sleeping with Jennifer.
Amos laughed in that annoying, sonic boom voice he had and said, “I think he has touched many things he shouldn’t have, pounded actually.” I knew Amos would do something to ruin the trip. He just wasn’t capable of remaining quiet. It wasn’t like I was asking him to tell a lie, just remain silent for an entire weekend. He was such a loser.
“Claire, will you please control your Ogre,” I demanded, and refused to look at my dad or my wall-pounding man.
My mother came out to join us and we sat around the table talking, so she felt it would be a good idea to point out how much Julius and I didn’t know about each other by playing a game. She would ask someone a question and their mate would have to answer to see if they got it right. This had tragedy written all over it.
“Claire,” she began, “What is your favorite movie?”
“Too easy,” Amos said, “The Notebook.”
Claire rewarded him with a kiss and I cringed. I could have answered that question just as easily and she wouldn’t have had to do anything disgusting, either.
“Okay, Erica,” mom said, and turned to me with a smile. I felt my body tense and really hoped it was a question about sex so Julius had a chance. “What was your most embarrassing moment?”
A vision of Julius sprawled across the floor as I rode his face like an amusement park ride popped into my head. “I’m not playing,” I said, and jumpe
d up to clear away our plates. Everyone began to protest loudly. For some reason my most embarrassing moment seemed to interest them greatly.
“Too easy,” Julius laughed. He was obviously having the same vision I was, but he found it funnier than I did.
“Shut up,” I said with a warning glare, although, my glares have never been too intimidating. I needed to set aside some time to work on my glares if I wanted to have more control in this relationship.
“Come on, share,” Amos demanded, and I wanted to fall through the deck planks, so an ambulance would interrupt all the fun we were having. Surely Julius wouldn’t answer, I mean, it would humiliate him as much as it would humiliate me. No guy would want to admit to being beaten by his woman’s womanly parts…. would they?
“Tobi kissed me in a chair we were sitting in and it tipped over,” he answered, and it didn’t sound so bad when he said it like that.
“She does that a lot,” Claire laughed.
Everyone began to chuckle except Julius. His face fell, and he stared at his hands. His expression was heart wrenching. I knew he was picturing me with various men and I had to make it stop. I wasn’t thinking about the game or who was around us; I just wanted him to feel confident I wasn’t a whore… unlike his ex-wife.
I moved to stand right in front of him. I stared into his grey eyes and said, “I tip over a lot, Julius, just not without clothes and using my hootchie as a weapon.” It worked, he actually laughed. But dang, it was in front of others, like my mom and dad. I didn’t think through my words again.
My mother smoothed over my faux pas by quickly asking another question. I thought it was an easy one that I was sure to get correct. “Name Julius’ family members.” I grinned from ear-to-ear, knowing this was a slam dunk.
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