“Because he is stronger than me,” I said and rolled my eyes.
“Let’s go get some cold beer,” she suggested, and I froze for a moment. Claire screamed loudly and ran over to hug me. “I knew it,” she cried. “You’re pregnant.”
I grabbed onto her in relief and hurried over to sit down. “Can I hurt my baby by standing; I mean can he fall out?”
“He’s upside down,” she laughed, and I looked down to see how she could tell. Poor Budge had fallen, and he couldn’t get up.
She took my hands in hers and held them tightly. “Toto, he is attached securely to your uterus by the placenta and surrounded in fluid, so he can’t fall or be hurt, or even tell when you are moving around. And don’t be afraid of sex either, it is healthy for your uterus to have orgasms.”
“Claire, I am so afraid, can you imagine me being a mom? What if I get him confused with another baby and I end up arrested for kidnapping?” I asked in all honesty.
She smiled and looked right into my eyes. “Toto, your child is going to have the best birthday parties, and the most original Halloween costumes. He’ll slay dragons with his mom and battle pirates as she steals the gold. He’ll be the luckiest child in the world. And why are we calling it a he?”
“Oh my God,” I said softly, “Budge might be Budgette.”
“Juuuulllliiiuuussss,” Claire screamed at the top of her lungs, bringing him flying into the room with terror in his eyes. “You will not allow her to name this child, understand?”
He looked at me and smiled, “You told her?”
“She tried to get me drunk,” I said to defend myself.
“Buy a name book and make her pick one from it. I’m serious, Julius; you need to put your foot down.”
Amos walked into the room carrying a large, heavy box and he stood looking at everyone in confusion, never once thinking to put the box down. “What’s going on?”
I tried to beg Julius with my eyes not to tell him, because he would probably want to hug me or something. Budge may be securely attached, but it didn’t mean he couldn’t be smashed.
“Toto’s pregnant,” Claire answered, and I really should have begged her with my eyes, not Julius.
“My parents don’t know, so don’t say a word,” I yelled to Amtard, knowing it would be around the precinct by morning.
“Is it Julius’s? Amos teased, and I saw the look on my husband’s face.
I wondered how long it would take him to truly know I would never cheat on him. I stood, since Budge was upside down anyway, and walked over to wrap my arms around my guy. He smiled and gave me a soft kiss, but the sadness in his eyes remained.
“You have no idea how much I love you,” I said, and he nodded.
“Yeah, I do,” he whispered.
“I’ll have seven babies,” I told him to make him really believe.
“You can’t,” he laughed, “I don’t have seven good songs.”
I had forgotten all about our deal and the thought of Julius recording a song got my body all hot and bothered. And, since orgasms were good for my uterus, I grabbed hold of his hand and pulled him to our new room. The bed wasn’t totally put together. but the mattress was on the floor, so I had my man on the floor, well, on the mattress on the floor.
There wasn’t a wall to pound, so he beat the mattress and I realized it was much quieter, if only I could convince him to wear a gag Budge may never be awaken in the middle of the night by his father professing devotion to my effing cat…. well, he used another word.
Chapter 17
The night of my mother’s campaign party, I was exhausted from the move. Julius came down the stairs dressed in jeans and a tight tee looking so hot I wanted to remove his jeans and tight tee. I was still wearing a pair of his shorts and a tee of my own, inside out. “Are you getting ready?” he asked with concern.
I was unpacking a box of DVD’s, so I assumed he meant ready to watch a movie. “No, just putting things away,” I informed him.
“Did you decide not to go?” he asked.
I thought over his words and then said, “Oh, no, I peed earlier. I’m fine.”
He walked over and took a DVD from my hand and reminded me of the party for my mother. I ran up the stairs and tried to look as political as possible. I wore blue jeans, a white blouse, and a red bra. As we drove to the club, Julius looked at my shirt and said, “When we get there, can you put on an apron and help me serve?”
I didn’t know we had to be part of the staff, and an apron would kill my patriotic look, but yeah, I would help.
We opened the club and decorators went to work. I helped Julius bring out more glasses and liquor from the storage room and then worked on putting helium balloons on strings. When people began to arrive, the place looked amazing. I was sitting on the edge of the squiggle stage when I saw someone walk through the door.
“Hey,” I yelled loudly, so everyone turned to look at me. I pointed at S’bastard and yelled even louder, “What are you doing here?”
“I was invited,” he said with a sickening grin.
I looked all over for Julius, but he was in another room, or he ran for shelter. I jumped from the stage and marched up to my daddy. My mother would ask me to be gracious, but hopefully daddy would spare me from spending an evening with S’bastard. “Dad, did you know he was invited?” I asked sadly as I pointed adamantly.
My father took hold of my arm and pulled me to a corner of the room. “Honey,” he began, to butter me up. “The Carmichaels are very well known in California. It would be a boost to your mother’s career to associate with them.”
“Associate? I’m married to Julius, how much more association does she need?” I didn’t tell my father William dear would most likely date mom if it would help.
My father leaned in closer to whisper and said, “But, sweetheart, Julius married Jennifer Staple.”
Now I understood. My mother was afraid Julius’s faux pas would reflect badly on her, so she wanted S’bastard to represent the Carmichaels, not Julius. I was offended, and my heart ached for my gentle husband who had been fooled so badly. I saw my mother’s point, but I still ached for my husband. It also made me wonder if marrying a whore was worse than associating with the Mafia… but, she was a politician after all.
“Why hold the event here if you didn’t want me or Julius to attend?” I asked my father.
“Of course, we wanted you both here,” he said disingenuously.
I decided to make him uncomfortable for the rest of the evening and announced, “Good, because I’m giving a speech.”
I walked away as I tried to come up with a topic to speak about. Julius said it had to be supportive, so my choices were limited. I sat in a corner booth and put my head on the table to concentrate. I had no idea how long I sat there, but people began talking and laughing in the background. I was brought out of my deep thinking when I heard Julius began to sing. It was a patriotic song, but he was singing the heck out of it.
I moved from the booth and made my way to the edge of the stage. Julius was not only singing, but he was dancing, too. I had never seen him dance while singing before and I let out a whooping call followed by a loud whistle. Everyone in the club was mesmerized by his thrusting and even my mother was clapping and fanning herself. I stopped being amused when I saw another woman shimmy her breasts right at my husband.
“Hey,” I yelled loudly. It was one thing to have young women lust over my husband and pay for drinks, but I wasn’t offering him up for free.
Nobody responded to my outburst due to the loud noise, so I marched onto the stage and looked at all the female faces desiring my guy. Julius stopped gyrating and let the microphone fall to his waist. I pointed at the audience and yelled, “You all stop it, right now.” Then I turned to Julius and said, “You can continue, go ahead.”
Everyone was confused, but Julius brought the microphone back to his mouth and continued the song without any dancing. When the song ended everyone cautiously clapped, so I poin
ted at them angrily and they clapped a bit louder.
I quickly motioned for them to stop clapping when S’bastard walked onto the stage. Julius handed him the microphone, and everyone softly applauded again. He smiled widely and said, “The Carmichael family is happy to support Dana Wilson as Mayor of Cartwright. Her record is impeccable, and she’s done wonderful things for the community.” My mother blushed and smiled as everyone agreed with S’bastard’s words. “Not only do we ask you to vote for Dana again, but we want to donate directly to her campaign.”
Everyone cheered loudly, and my mother covered her mouth in shock, most likely a sweet move she practiced all day in the mirror. I sauntered toward S’bastard’s location and he purposefully moved in the other direction. S’bastard looked nervous and quickly invited my mother to say a few words. She rushed to the stage and spoke for several minutes about issues that needed addressed in Cartwright. I grew bored and sat cross-legged on the stage to wait. My mother finished and asked everyone to eat and drink up.
Julius came out of the dark background and took the microphone from my mother’s hand. She thanked him profusely and as she walked away he announced, “Ladies and Gentlemen, my incredible wife would like to say a few words about her mother’s campaign.”
My mom spun around angrily and gave us both a warning glare. I took the microphone and Julius leaned in to give me a kiss on the cheek. He didn’t warn me to say something supportive. He didn’t ask me to keep it short. He didn’t even give me a knowing glance, he simply kissed my cheek. It threw me for a minute and I pulled him back and kissed him a good one, until my father cleared his throat.
I turned to face the crowd, not having a clue what I was going to say. “Hi, Mrs. Chambers,” I said to my old kindergarten teacher, and everyone laughed. I looked at all the familiar faces and realized a town was like a family. I pointed at the bus driver and said, “Good to see you, Mr. Sam.” He nodded and the man next to him patted him on the back.
“I think you all know I’m an only child. But, I have a large family because of all of you. You’ve touched my life in some way. You taught me something along my path that helped me grow into who I am. How can I repay you for that? I can offer you the time and talent of my mother. She was a wonderful influence in my life. She taught me, she pushed me, she helped me, and she loved me. She does that for the town of Cartwright, too. You’re lucky, because my mother sees our community as her child. She loves it, she sacrifices for it, and she wants it to be the best it can be. So, I’m offering you one of the most important things in my life, I’m willingly giving you my mother.”
I let my hand drop, and everyone began cheering wildly. Julius pulled me into his arms and looked at me with pride. Before he could speak, my mother circled her arms around us both and kissed me repeatedly. I didn’t mean to say something profound, in fact, I meant to say something to annoy my folks, S’bastard, and everyone who teased me over the years. I guess I’m a natural politician, because I could pull a rousing speech out of my butt.
I felt like I was invincible, so I decided to drop some information on my mother while she was busy being pleased with me. “Mom, remember when I told you I was accepted into that Community College?”
She nodded proudly.
“Well, I wasn’t. In fact, I never applied. I meant to apply, but I lost the paperwork and then Claire had some tickets to a movie and it was about a girl who hated college and joined an A Capella group that had a bunch of rules. I don’t really sing, and I hate rules, so it was a blessing I never went to college.”
Her smile faded, and her jaw grew tight with anger. She leaned in closely and said, “We will discuss this later, Erica Ann. I am very disappointed in you.” She turned and walked away briskly.
Man, I hope she doesn’t react to the town this way. You can’t really ground an entire town, but now I felt badly for giving them my mother. I looked at my husband and wondered if I should tell him I most likely won’t be able to play with him this weekend, but he laughed and said, “I could never be disappointed in you, you constantly amaze me.”
I wrapped my arms around his neck and jumped up to circle my legs around his waist. “You dance,” I said, stating the obvious.
“Not really,” he said shyly.
“No, I saw it, that was dancing. That was sexy dancing. Now I know how it is you’re so great at… you know. You can really move your hips.”
“Tobi, is there anything you want to accomplish. Anything that is more important than being my wife?”
I stared at his face in confusion. Did he want me to do something else? Did he not want a baby anymore? Maybe my mother’s campaign party made him want me to go into politics, too. “Being your wife is the greatest thing in the world. Am I not doing it right?” I asked.
He smiled widely and then said, “You’re perfection.”
Whew, that was close. I smiled at his compliment and teased, “I can’t go back to being E.W. so I better stay your wife.”
We both laughed and then mentally contemplated my new initials. E.C. Oh my gosh, I went from ew to ec. It wasn’t better, it was worse. Julius quickly said, “You’ll always be Tobi to me.” He’s the greatest husband in the world.
He moved his lips to my ear and whispered, “Do you want to say anything about being pregnant?”
I glanced at the microphone and then shook my head back and forth. “Let’s keep it between just us for a bit. I’m sure Amos will let it slip soon, but I’m not ready to say anything.”
He nodded but looked a little disappointed. The party for my mother continued, but Julius and I celebrated us. We were expanding and becoming a family. His greatest wish was coming true and I felt lucky he chose me to be the mother of his children.
I set up a doctor’s appointment, which was validation that the world had been created for men and made me believe in evolution. I wasn’t going to have to defend my life to a creator after all. Women evolved over time when men like Kevin crawled out of the sea and began walking with a wiggle. There wasn’t a missing link; gay men were just a higher life form.
The doctor asked me things like, was I throwing up, was I tired, and was I having any cramps or bloating? Who knew pregnancy was like the flu? I assured him I was fine, and he gave me a prescription for some vitamins and some brochures with disgusting pictures in them.
Then, he wanted to check the baby. Dang that Claire lied to me. If he could put his fingers there to check the baby, Julius’s dan…penis could give the baby brain damage. Sex was out of the question, again.
The doctor must have read my mind, since the very next subject was sex. He assured us it was safe and important for us to bond during this time. Julius and I had no trouble bonding, we bonded a lot, we bonded in ways that almost killed him. So, bonding during this time would be a breeze.
Everything was now official. We were ready to spread the word that a child would be coming to our family in seven months. I sure hope I never wonder how it cries.
Chapter 18
We made a trip to Pacifica to see the Carmichaels and then Sara and Travis. I also planned to stop by my old job and see Kevin and Sues, making sure I had tooth picks in my pocket to insert into Kurt’s eyes if he said anything disgusting.
Charlotte met us at the door with a box in her hand. “I found this for your house,” she said and I mentally groaned. It was most likely a Rubix cube.
I opened it to find a small brass sculpture of a squiggle to sit on my mantle. I stared at it in shock and hugged it to my chest as I cried. It wasn’t the hormones; it was my stiff, square, mother-in-law reaching out to my gelatinous squiggle which sent me over the edge. Julius held me in his arms and led me to the couch.
“We have some news. Tobi, do you want to share it, or shall I?”
“You shall,” I said through my tears.
“We’re pregnant,” he said proudly, and I looked at him in shock. We really should have practiced our announcement earlier.
“No, we’re not,” I protested, and
the blood rushed from his face. I looked over at his parents and said, “I’m pregnant.”
“I meant, we’re expecting a baby,” he clarified, and I snorted a bit.
“We’re not expecting a baby, it will definitely be a baby and we are not expecting anything else to come out of my uterus. Maybe with Jennifer something else would have come out, like Satan or some demon, but we are having a baby, period.”
The room was quiet, and I whispered, “Dang,” when I realized I should have just kept my mouth shut.
William dear finally stood and extended his hand to congratulate us. Julius took his father’s hand and pulled him into a hug, but I just shook it. Charlotte cried and pulled me to her chest as if showing me how to breast feed. It was awkward, and I made sure to keep my mouth completely closed.
“Have you discussed names,” she asked, and Julius lied.
“Not yet,” he said with a weird voice.
“Well, you can always name it Julius Junior,” she said, and I didn’t understand why someone would give a baby that awful name. But, I kept my mouth shut, because she was still sitting quite close and I was still having images of her breast shoved into my mouth.
“Do you want a boy or a girl?” William dear asked, looking directly at me.
I scooted away from Charlotte and said, “A boy, so he can do Travis’s daughter on the table.” Again, the room was quiet, and I looked at Julius and begged him to please speak for me.
“We want a healthy baby,” he answered, and I realized it was a much better answer than mine.
“How are you feeling, Tobi?” Charlotte asked, and I smiled at her but didn’t respond. This was a special moment, and I wasn’t going to ruin it by talking without thinking.
“She’s doing great, no symptoms at all,” Julius answered.
“You’ll have to keep those dogs outside now,” William dear said, and I felt my hands pull into fists. I knew it was his whole nobody shits without his permission logic that made him hate our dogs, but they were part of the family and you don’t relegate family to the outdoors… unless Amos was your family.
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