by J. F. Gump
On the plane, she wrote a letter to Mike telling him about her decision to go back to her own house. She begged for his understanding. She told Mike she missed him very much already and hoped he would return soon. She reaffirmed her love and her promise to wait for him. At the end she signed it, “I Love You, Teeluk. Your Future Wife, Math.”
In Phitsanulok, her first stop, even before she went to her house, was Phitsanulok Communications. There, she faxed her letter to the number Mike had given her. As she continued her way home, Math wondered where Mike’s fax machine was and who else might read her letter before he arrived in America. She hoped her fax would not cause any problems for him.
Chapter 28
Even though Math hadn’t been to her house for a long time, nothing had changed. Well, almost nothing. Her two dogs were now living at her mother’s house but everything else was the same. Mike had been paying her rent, so no one had removed her meager furniture or padlocked the door. The room was small compared to Mike’s condo, but she was still happy to be there. It was home and it was comfortable.
Before Mike left, he had given her as much money as she could earn in three months, but she knew already how fast money could disappear. She knew she had to find work, so she could make the money last until he returned. She didn’t know how long that would be. She hoped it would not be long, but she knew it might be never.
That evening, she visited her mother and her brother and her sister to make sure they were well. She told them about her adventures in Pattaya, Chiang Mai, and Phuket. Also, she told them about Mike and their plans to be married. Her mother was not pleased but said nothing. As far as Nui was concerned, all farangs were bad people. Nui never stopped to remember the beatings she had suffered at the hands of her own Thai husband.
Math stayed at her mother’s house watching TV until very late. She was happy when her mother suggested she stay for the night. Math did not want to be alone, especially tonight. She slept with her little brother. It gave her comfort just knowing someone was there, even if it wasn’t Mike. During the coming weeks she would spend as many nights at her mother’s house as at her own.
The next day she went job hunting. It was a totally dejecting experience. The collapse of the Thai economy had left thousands - if not millions - of Thais out of work. Competition for the good jobs was fierce with most of them going to relatives or friends of the employer. The only employment she found was menial jobs that demanded long hours and paid less than 100 baht per day. After paying for her rent and her insurance, there would be little money left for food and clothes.
Math took one of those jobs only because she had no choice. That first week she worked three days on a construction site clean-up crew. It was the hardest work she had ever done. It left her body exhausted and her hands bleeding. After the third day, she decided she would rather work as a bar-girl in Pattaya than to go through that every day.
She wrote a fax to Mike telling him about the job and that she was going to quit and look for something easier. She started her search, but found only a few hours of work at a laundry. It wasn’t much, but it at least it didn’t make her hands bleed.
Two days later she received a fax from Mike. He was back in America and had received both of her letters. He agreed that she should not work as a laborer again. He would deposit money into her bank account so she could live. She was relieved to read his words.
Mike’s company was sending him to another job away from home but still in America. He said he would write to her as often as he could. He still loved her, the fax read. He missed her very much and prayed every day he could come back for her soon.
She read his letter over and over until she had memorized every word. That night she dreamed Mike was with her again. In the morning, for the first time since he had left, she woke up with a smile on her face.
That day, she put on her best business clothes and resumed her search for a decent job. She hoped desperately to find a full time position with a good company. She would still consider part time and temporary jobs, but only the ones that would not make an old woman out of her.
By mid afternoon she had filled out six applications. She was near the movie theater and decided to apply there. A wave of sadness swept over her as she entered the theater lobby. It was where she had fallen and killed Mike’s baby. Instantly, she decided she could never work there and turned to leave. As she reached the door, she heard someone calling her name. She turned to look. It was Sawat.
“Math, please wait,” he shouted. “I have something important to tell you.”
She wanted to run, but knew he would easily catch up with her if she did. She stepped back inside the lobby, where there were more people. She watched Sawat cautiously as he approached. He was smiling.
“I don’t think I want to talk with you,” she said, her voice tight. “What do you want?”
“Math,” he said softly, “I just want to tell you I am sorry for the way I have treated you and your sister and your family. Please understand me, Math. I was hurting very much and I wanted you to hurt the way I did. I know I was wrong. I beg you for your forgiveness.”
She moved a step away from him. “Maybe you should be telling that to my sister. You know what you did to her. If I could have found you that day, I would have killed you.”
“I don’t blame you,” he said. “I would have deserved it too. If your sister was here, I would beg for her forgiveness too. I have had a lot of time to think and I realize what a bad person I have been. I don’t know why I was acting like that. I guess I was feeling sorry for myself. I had been taking a lot of drugs and drinking. I think I was a little crazy. But I have stopped all of that now. I haven’t taken drugs or had anything to drink since the night I... ah... Well, you know, what I did to your sister.”
She was suspicious. She stared at him but said nothing.
“Please, Math. Please forgive me. I promise I will never do anything like that ever again. Please, say we can be friends.”
He seemed so sincere that she said, “Okay, Sawat. I know you were once a very nice man and I loved you. I think I can never love you that same way again, but I can forgive you.” She paused. “And I guess we can be friends, but only friends. I have someone else I love now. I want you to know that.”
His face beamed. “Thank you, Math. I understand. I have someone else I love too. I have a new girlfriend. I would like for you to meet her someday. She is really nice. By the way, where are you working now?”
“I do not have a job. I am looking for work but I am not having much luck. Seems like all of the good jobs are already taken.”
“Maybe I can help, if you will let me,” he offered. “A woman at Big C is pregnant and will be quitting her job in a couple of days. The manager is a good friend of mine. If you want, I can ask him to hire you. The pay is not much, but the work is very easy. What do you think?”
She wanted to say no but she needed the job. “Okay,” she agreed. “What do I have to do?”
“Come to the Big C tomorrow morning at nine o’clock. I will introduce you to my friend. I cannot promise anything, but I think there will be no problem.”
“Thank you, Sawat,” she said. “This is very kind of you.”
“Mai pen rai, krup, never mind,” he answered. “It’s the least I can do to make up for the hurt I have caused. I must go now, Math. I will see you tomorrow at nine o’clock.” He smiled and left the theater.
Math spent the rest of the afternoon wondering at the change in Sawat. He had never been so nice to her. Maybe he was finally becoming a man, she thought, or maybe he wanted something. She wasn’t sure which. She would have to wait and see what happened.
That evening she wrote another fax to Mike saying she thought she had found a good job. She did not mention Sawat.
Early the next morning, she went to Phitsanulok Communications and sent her fax. At nine o’clock she met Sawat in
front of Big C. As promised, he introduced her to the manager and gave her a very good recommendation. Twenty minutes later she was offered a job starting the next Monday - at three times the salary she had made as a laborer. She was very excited.
When she left the interview, she tried to find Sawat to tell him the good news and to thank him. He was nowhere to be found. On impulse, she decided to go to the temple and say prayers. On the way she bought food and gifts for the monks, and offerings for Buddha.
After saying her prayers she started to look for Jum, then remembered he had gone to another temple. She would miss her conversations with the old monk. Aimlessly, she roamed the grounds of the temple. She was in no hurry to go home. She felt very content now that she had a decent job lined up.
On one side of the temple Math found a garden which probably had been very beautiful at one time. Now it had fallen victim to a lack of care. She spent the rest of the morning and most of the afternoon in the garden pulling weeds and picking up the leaves that had fallen onto the stone pathway. When she finished with the garden, she headed home. She left feeling she had done her part to help keep the temple beautiful.
On the way, she stopped at Phitsanulok Communications. There was a fax from Mike. He told her he was now at his new work assignment and gave her a fax number where he could be contacted. If he had received her last fax, he didn’t mention it. Math had the lady at Phitsanulok Communications send her earlier fax to the new number.
That evening, as she sat watching TV with her younger brother, her cell phone rang. It scared her because it was the first time it had rang in weeks. It was Mike. “Teeluk,” she screamed excitedly into the phone, “I am so happy you called. I have much to tell you.”
“I love you, Math,” he said laughing at her excitement. “Sweetheart, I cannot talk long because it is very expensive from America. I just wanted to call to tell you how much I love you and miss you. Also, I want you to know that I have deposited some money into your bank account.”
“Thank you, teeluk. You are too kind to me. I love you, too. I want to tell you that today I have found a job and I think I have enough money for me to live. You must save your money and take care for yourself and your family. If you want to send money sometimes so I can buy new clothes or something you can, but I cannot ask you for money while I am working.”
“Never mind, Math. I will send you money whenever I can because I love you and I don’t want you to go without anything. I will be at this work assignment for a while and then I don’t know where I will be.”
“Teeluk, do you have a phone number where I can call you?”
“It’s very expensive to call, Math. You need to save your money too. You can send me faxes, and I will call you when I can.”
“Okay, teeluk. I think you know what is best. I will send you a fax every day.”
Mike laughed. “That would make me very happy. Sweetheart, I must say bye for now. I will call you again as soon as I can. I love you, Math.”
“I love you too, Mike. Bye-bye teeluk, please take care of yourself.”
As much as she hated the sound of the phone clicking as the call disconnected, she was on cloud nine. It was the first time she had ever received a call from America. She was beside herself with excitement. She told her mother and her brother about their short conversation until her mother finally told her to stop. Then she told them one more time.
Later, she lay in her brother’s bed but couldn’t sleep. She spent most of the night awake and thinking about Mike. She missed him terribly. In the morning, after her mother had gone to work and her brother had left for school, she lay in bed touching and rubbing herself pretending it was Mike. Her climax left her feeling ashamed.
For the next few weeks, everything was as good as Math could have hoped for. Her work, as Sawat had said, was very easy and the pay was lot more than what she had made at construction and laundry. Sawat worked at Big C too, and she saw him nearly every day. He was always the perfect gentleman, very polite.
Mike sent faxes almost every day and deposited money into her bank account every week or so. Not a lot of money, but enough to make a difference between existing and living. She was able to live.
Math began spending more time at her own home. Her dogs had come home from her mother’s house, so she had company even when she was alone. Sawat stopped by from time to time, just to say hello and to play with her dogs. He never threatened anything and she was comfortable with his visits. Once, he brought his new girlfriend with him. She was indeed a very nice girl. Math’s life settled into a normal routine and she was happy.
Then, in a single day, her world was turned upside down. It began when she received a very long fax from Mike telling her that his company was 100% finished working in Thailand, and he would not be returning. The only way he would come back was if he could save enough money to do it on his own. That would not be easy because it took nearly all of his salary just to pay his regular bills. What little extra money he managed to save he had been sending to her so she could live. He had saved none for himself. The last lines of his fax were the most devastating of all.
“Sweetheart,” his words read, “you are a very young and very beautiful woman. You know I love you very much. I don’t want to say this because it hurts me too much, but I think you should find a nice Thai man to love. I am afraid I may never be able to come back for you. I know this is not what you want to hear, but I think it will be best for you. Everything at my home is very complicated right now. I don’t know how to explain what I’m going through. I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know if I will ever see you again. Sweetheart, I do love you, but I cannot be so selfish as to make you wait for me until I have fixed my own life. Please don’t hate me. I am doing what I think is best for you. I will always love you and I will never forget you. Mike.”
She read the fax several times to make sure she understood. Her emotions ran rampant from anger to sadness to self-pity. She was so confused she wasn’t sure what she felt. She wondered what was happening in Mike’s life. He had not explained anything. She forced herself to sit down and write a reply.
“Teeluk,” she wrote, “I know from your fax that you are going through a very difficult time in your life. You are a good man and I know you will do what is correct for everyone. Please believe me when I say that I love only you and, if I cannot have you, I do not want another man. I understand your life is very confused right now, but one day soon things will be better. In my heart I know you will come back to me. I will wait for you, teeluk. I will wait for you forever. Please forgive me, but I will continue to send you faxes, even if you do not send any to me. I believe in you and I believe in our love. In my heart, I am your loving and devoted wife. Math.”
With tears streaming, she drove to Phitsanulok Communications and sent the fax. Then she went home.
At nine o’clock that same night, her handy rang. She just knew it was Mike. “Hello, teeluk,” she answered.
“It is me, Nuang,” she heard her sister say.
“I am sorry, Nuang. I was hoping Mike would call me today. How are you?”
“You must come to Chiang Mai,” Nuang said, bypassing the customary Thai pleasantries. “It is very important.”
Math heard the urgency in her voice. “What is it, Nuang?”
“I cannot tell you over the phone. Just trust me when I say it is very important. When can you come? Can you be here tomorrow?”
Math’s mind whirled with questions. “How can I, Nuang? I have a job. If I don’t go to work, I might be fired. Maybe I can come this weekend. What is so urgent anyway?”
“Please, Math,” Nuang pleaded. “I cannot tell you what it is, but it is very important. Ask your boss if you can have a few days off.”
“Are you well, Nuang?” she asked, worried. “Is your health okay?”
“It is not me,” Nuang answered, “but it is very important. Yo
u must come to Chiang Mai. Please don’t ask more questions. Just ask your boss if you can have a few days off.”
“Okay. Tomorrow, I will ask.”
“Thank you,” Nuang said and hung up the phone.
Almost immediately, she heard the sound of her dogs fighting outside. They did this about once a week, but she had never figured out why.
“Damn it,” she shouted loudly, everything was weighing on her. “Why do you stupid dogs have to fight tonight.” She ran outside to pull them apart.
As she reached her door, she heard a man’s voice and the fighting stopped. It was Sawat. She saw him pick up the smaller of the two dogs and look at its right front leg.
“He’s bleeding pretty heavy,” Sawat said, as she approached.
“Let’s take him inside,” she said, worried about her dog. The small one was her favorite.
Sawat had visited her house several times recently, but this was the first time he had been inside since the night he had hit Nuang. Together, they doctored the dog’s injured leg. In a while the bleeding stopped and the dog wanted down. Reluctantly, she let it go. A few minutes later, the injured dog and the larger dog were lying together outside, as if nothing had happened.
“Stupid dogs,” she said, disgusted.
They sat in silence for a few minutes, waiting to see if the dogs would behave themselves. There was no further commotion.
“Math, I still love you,” Sawat said, abruptly, unexpectedly.
Math was caught off guard. “We are just friends, Sawat,” she said trying to laugh off his comment. She didn’t need any more complications in her life. “Your girlfriend would not be happy, if she heard you saying that.”
