Max, I wrote a new song. Tell me what you think.
Cal would have made an incredible dad one day.
One night, after I had come home from hanging out with Aggi, Cal sat on the edge of my bed, waiting while I brushed my teeth. When I walked into the room, he strummed his guitar and sang, “Max loves a girl and she loves him.” Then he asked: “You do love her, right?”
I thought long and hard about the question Cal posed. He always asked the hard ones. The kind that made you examine life and the meaning of it. Questions that caused you to stop, turn direction, consider a whole new course.
I answered Cal with an adamant Yes! I loved Aggi. I was in love and wanted to stay that way forever. I didn’t care that convention told me I was young and our love wouldn’t last because we were “just kids.” I refused to believe that. Love is completing and pain free when you’re in the middle of its bubble.
But naysayers would pop in with: “You’re so young. You have your whole life ahead of you. You should keep your options open.”
I plugged my ears and thought, What if my life ended, all of a sudden? What if I was driving to school, wrecked the Jeep, and died? No more Max. At least I’d have fallen in love, known what it felt like.
Cal asked me if I was serious about Aggi, and I told him I’d never been more serious about anything in my life. He smiled and said, “Don’t let that slip away.” He could have told me I was young and had a lifetime of loves in front of me. He could have said, Max, don’t tie yourself down. You guys are both going to change through the years, and who you are now may not fit with who you’ll become.
Cal wasn’t like that, though. He saw my heart on my sleeve and paid attention to how it beat in rhythm with Aggi’s. When we ended our conversation, Cal asked if I thought Aggi felt the same way, and I said, “I think so.” He strummed a beautiful melody and sang, “Then don’t ever let her go.”
Henry and Jen round the corner, interrupting my thoughts. Both laugh, their steps in sync. I plaster myself against the wall as Jen jabs at Henry’s arm as if he’s said something ridiculously funny, and I sigh at the tenderness of the scene. The two turn, and I dart to the dark side of the hallway. A small table shoved into the corner with a potted plant catches my eye, and when I step closer, I notice something sitting on top. A child’s purse wedged between the wall and the stand.
As I approach the table, my foot slips out of Henry’s shoe and lands with a thud.
“That you, Max?”
I snatch the bag, stuffing my arm through the tight hole and stake my claim by swinging it over one shoulder.
“Hey, guys!” I slide in front of Henry.
Jen eyeballs my purse. My purple kid bag outlined in sequins with the most gentle, squishable kitten I’ve ever seen. There’s even fake fur.
“That’s your bag?” Jen says mockingly.
“Yep.” I pet the kitten. “One of my favorites.”
Jen shrugs, and I shuffle toward the exit. Every damn step a challenge to keep Henry’s shoes on my feet.
“Thanks for unlocking the door.” Henry’s voice is breathy, and the way he’s looking at Jen with his droopy eyes and big smile makes me chuckle. Henry’s always been a big believer in love at first sight, and since I’m a big believer in Henry, I support this. Henry used to explain to me how urgent love is, and I used to argue that love is a slow burn. It’s one of the few things Henry and I don’t see eye to eye on. But, of course, I’m biased. I fell in love with Aggi over the course of seventeen years. I measure love based on how it worked out for me, which, as it stands, blows a hole in my theory. But I’m holding on to hope. Henry believes connection can happen in a single conversation—a spark that kindles the heart—and out of that connection love is set in motion. When it comes to falling in love, Henry is urgent. Full speed ahead.
Jen smiles and says, “Gave me something to do until my shift ends in an hour. Then I’ll be at my friend’s party, remember? The one I mentioned upstairs to you.”
Henry nods, chews his lip. “Well, have a great night.”
I elbow Henry as Jen turns toward the door. He mouths, Wow. She’s amazing.
I lean close to Henry and whisper, “She gets off in an hour. Friend’s party. Clearly a hint. Ask her out.”
“Out where?” Henry whispers. “She’s a college girl. What the hell could I do with a college girl?”
I drop my jaw. “You really want me to answer that?”
Henry hisses, “For shit’s sake, Max. I just met her.”
“Exactly! Now ask her, or I’ll do it for you.”
“Ask me what?” Jen asks, holding open the door.
Henry’s face lightens three shades. His freckles turn to embers. “Nothing.”
Jen rocks the door back and forth, bumping it with her knee. “O-kay. Well, I should go. You guys cool?” She pierces Henry with her dark eyes, and Henry squirms and shuffles his feet like a five-year-old in need of a bathroom.
After a long, painfully awkward pause, I say, “So where’s the party?” and Henry gasps so loud Jen and I stare at him.
A slow smile appears on Jen’s face as she says, “You’re going to have to tell me your name first.”
“Max,” I say, then realize her eyes are on Henry.
“Hank. I mean, Henry. I mean, Hank?”
I pat Henry’s back. “Friends know him as Henry. Those who aren’t call him Hank.”
Jen’s eyes smile. “Okay, Henry?” And the way she says his name shoots Henry with a shot of courage I’ve had the privilege of seeing him unleash one other time in my life.
About six weeks after Kate’s death, Henry and I were driving to my house. School had released early, and Henry had wanted to hang out. He stuck to me like glue during the weeks following my brother’s death, and having him beside me softened the blow of Cal not being there. We were on the narrow road rounding the lake when Aggi’s dad appeared out of nowhere. He drove up fast on our tail, flashing his high beams. Through the rearview mirror his hand waved for me to pull over. I parked the Jeep in the first plowed driveway I could find as Mr. Frank bolted from his truck. He was at my window shouting, “Get out!” before I had time to turn on the hazard lights.
Henry grabbed my elbow. “Lock your door. Don’t get out!” Mr. Frank had been like family to me, and I was used to doing what he said. There was no reason to distrust him. But he’d never raised his voice at me before.
I stepped onto the road, and like an avalanche, Aggi’s dad spun me around and pinned me against the Jeep. My arm tucked behind my back, chest smashed against the cold metal, he kicked my legs out from under me, and I slid to the ground. At face level, he spit when he hissed, “You will stay away from Aggi! If I catch you with her again—”
“Let him go!” Henry shouted, jumping from the Jeep.
“This is no business of yours, son!”
Henry, overcome with adrenaline, charged Mr. Frank with fists raised. Henry didn’t fly out of the Jeep intending to hit Mr. Frank; he saw an underdog and fought back. Henry lunged, and Aggi’s dad released his tight grip on my wrists. My arm flooded with heat, and when I rolled to my side to get up, it hung as though it belonged to someone else. Pain shot down my side.
“Get back in that Jeep, boy!”
Henry paused. His eyes shot over, and I shook my head. Somehow, I managed to sit, dig my heels into the snow for balance, and push my back against a tire. My shoulder burned, and as I shifted my body, another jolt of pain rushed down my side.
“You hurt him!” Henry yelled after seeing me cradle my lifeless arm. “Why’d you have to hurt him? He hasn’t done shit to you!”
Mr. Frank swatted the air and shouted, “I didn’t hurt him. But if he doesn’t stay away from my daughter, I will!”
The threat sickened me. My teeth clacked together. My heart raced. When I looked up at Mr. Frank, there was a glassiness in his eyes I had never seen before, and it haunted me for days. Aggi’s dad had changed. He was no longer someone I knew and could trust.
That made me angry.
“What time did you say your friend’s party started?” Henry asks Jen, and I remember the roof. Aggi.
“Uh . . . I forgot something.” I run back toward the stairs, and Jen protests. “Sorry,” I call over my shoulder. “I can’t leave yet!”
“Well, I can’t leave you guys in here after hours, even with your ID. I’ll lose my job.”
“Come on, Max!” Henry shouts, and I stop. “We’ll figure it out.”
I drop my head and shuffle back toward Jen and Henry.
Jen says to Henry. “I’ll text you my friend’s address.”
Henry scrambles for his phone and their fingers tap-dance on the screens.
“It starts at ten, but that really means ten thirty or eleven.”
Jen’s eyes lock onto Henry as she slides her phone into her pocket, and I suddenly feel like the third wheel.
“So, what happened to your face?” She brushes her nose with her knuckle. “It looks painful.”
Henry pauses, and I drape my arm across his shoulder. “Henry didn’t tell you? He’s an MMA fighter.”
“Uh . . . no . . . I . . .”
“Oh, Henry.” I shake my head. “Always so humble.”
Jen tilts her head. “Mixed martial arts, huh?”
Henry shrugs, stares at his feet.
“One of the best in the state.” I continue my fib. “Should see the other guy. I mean, guys.”
Henry’s laugh is contagious.
“Well, see you soon, MMA.” Jen motions toward the door, and we stroll onto the sidewalk.
“Wait!” Henry shouts as Jen double-checks the security of the locked door. He’s holding his hand in the air. “I fight, but not like that. Not MMA, and not because I want to.”
Jen tilts her head, and I squeeze Henry’s shoulder. “My brothers are pricks, and sometimes it’s better to stay and take it than run and hide.” Henry clears his throat.
“It’s always two against one,” I say. “They’re twins and never leave each other’s side, though they should. They’re poor influences on each other.”
“My dad . . . he thinks fighting solves problems.”
Jen’s eyebrow lifts as she nods.
Henry rubs the bruise on his nose. “This. This is because I wanted the last piece of bacon. I mean, look at me. I’m twice their size.” Henry shrugs. “Well, you’ve never seen my brothers, but they’re a lot smaller than me.”
Jen smiles and Henry continues.
“They started whining, as they do, and my dad sent us outside to resolve our issues. It was a damn piece of bacon, which I’d already chewed and swallowed. Get over it! But no . . . we had to go outside and fight. Winner gets what exactly? Me to regurgitate the bacon?” Henry shakes his head. “Sometimes they make no damn sense, especially when they’ve been drinking.”
There is a long pause. Henry rubs his forehead and stares out over the dark campus lit by streetlights. Henry’s never shared intimate details behind the fights, and I realize now that my best friend knows more about me than I know about him.
Jen sighs and mumbles, “Toxic masculinity is a real fucked-up thing.”
Another pause that seems to drag on forever until Henry stuffs his hands in his pockets, rocks on his heels, and smiles at Jen. A wide, infectious smile.
“I’ll see you soon, then?” Jen hesitates before stepping backward.
“You sure will!” Henry shouts, his lips now the shape of a crescent moon.
I shuffle my feet on the sidewalk, while Henry won’t stop grinning as Jen disappears onto campus. Henry and I wander back to where we started. Aggi, somewhere on the roof. Me, keeping my distance from her, as I’ve been told by too many people to do. The frustration overcomes me.
“We have to find Aggi!”
Henry snaps his head. “Oh, shit! Sorry, Max. I don’t know what the hell just happened.”
I shake my head. “No need to be sorry.”
“But I forgot all about Aggi and Umé. I mean, what the hell just happened?” He bends over, grips his knees, and draws deep breaths.
“You’re going to have a good night, my friend.” I pat Henry’s back. “A very good night indeed.”
Henry straightens, his stance tight. “You’re going with me, right?”
I laugh. “No way. This is your night. But send Umé a text and see if they’re still here. Before you go, I mean.”
On cue, the door of the science building swings open and Grace barrels onto the sidewalk. Out of habit, I spin around, searching for a spot to hide. My chest tightens as I dart behind a row of leafless shrubs.
I can’t. She can’t.
But what if she did? What if I did?
“I won’t knowingly leave you two on the roof.” Dr. Nelson says. What’s she doing here?
“It’s not like you’d get fired,” Umé says. “You’re tenured.”
They’re walking fast. They have to pass Henry, standing like a streetlight with his back to the building, typing on his phone. Does he even hear them? For sure they will see him and know I’m here, too.
“Grace!” Dr. Nelson shouts. “Come on, honey.”
Grace missiles across the grass, aiming in my direction. I tighten my muscles, draw myself into a smaller shape, but she’s shouting, and Henry’s turning, and . . .
“Hey, Gracie!” Henry says, sliding his phone into his pocket.
“Henry? What are you doing here?” Aggi meets up with Henry, and the two stand directly in front of the bare bushes I’m crouching behind.
“Oh . . . um . . . well . . .” Henry stammers his words.
Umé jogs toward them, holding her hands up and shouting, “It’s not what it looks like!”
Her words, the night, seeing Henry fall hard for a girl he just met, nudge me to stand and show Aggi I’m here, too. If Henry would just step to the side. If Aggi would just look over. If she’d . . .
“Why are you hiding in the bushes, Max?” Grace asks.
“Max?” I’m not sure who says my name the second time, but my heart hopes it’s Aggi. I crawl out of the bushes, and slink onto the sidewalk, and the campus quiets.
This place belonged to Aggi and me. This is where we were when we lost everything.
Aggi approaches, staring at me. Cheeks flushed from the cold air. Her nose matching the color of her lips. How could she have grown more beautiful since the last time I saw her, which was what? Only hours ago? But the dock doesn’t count.
“Grace!” Dr. Nelson shouts, but I steady my gaze. I don’t want to look away from her face. “See you tomorrow, Aggi,” Dr. Nelson calls out again. “Grace! GRACE! I have a date with Ben and Jerry and a pillow that goes by the name of Benedict Cumberbatch! Now come on, honey!”
I’m magnetized. Two feet in front of Aggi and I can’t move. If we stretched out our arms, our fingers would touch. She’s frozen, too.
“Max?”
24
Aggi
“AGGI.”
“Why are you in the bushes? And why are you here?”
“I . . . I wanted to see you.”
I break my gaze with Max to look over my shoulder. A familiar habit. My dad’s voice from that night starting to play in my ear. Why didn’t you pick up? Why didn’t you answer? I was fine on the roof. I didn’t hear his words. But now my father’s voice is all I hear and it stings, almost as bad as the blame in his eyes.
Grace and Dr. Nelson stroll along the sidewalk heading for the parking lot, but Henry and Umé stand off in the distance like two guardian angels. Henry behind Max. Umé behind me. Our best friends wanting a reunion so badly that it’s obvious they planned this. The oversized flakes fall onto Max’s bangs, one melts into his lashes, and he blinks. I want to reach out and brush his hair, but I tuck my hand deep into my pocket.
Max clears his throat and opens his mouth to talk, but as soon as he begins, the campus bells chime from the tower. Nine slow tolls. By the time the bells stop ringing, Henry and Umé have joined us.
“We�
�re sorry,” Umé says.
“It’s just that—” Henry begins, but Max grabs his shoulder.
“I wanted to see you,” Max blurts. “I wanted to see if Grace was okay after falling in the lake. And I needed to see that you’re okay, too.”
I don’t know how to answer.
“Aggi!” Dr. Nelson shouts from the parking lot. “Shoot me a text when you get home tonight!”
I wave to let her know I heard.
“We need to go,” I say, turning from Max. I want to talk to him and tell him I’m not okay, that I haven’t been since the accident, but there is a risk of my dad waking up and wondering where I am. He’s looked for me before and he could do it again.
“Wait!” Max calls, but I keep walking. I refuse to turn around.
25
Max
“AGGI?”
I’ve called her name three times, but she won’t turn around. Umé locks arms with her as they follow the sidewalk toward the parking lot.
“Henry?” I whisper as he drapes his arm over me.
“Give her space,” he says. “I don’t think she’s ready.”
The snowflakes, fluffier now, sugarcoat the back of Aggi’s hair. The sidewalk distances between us as my feet slide slowly across the path. At the fork, Aggi and Umé hesitate, hushing their voices when Henry and I pass. Aggi needs more space, more time, commodities I seem to never run out of, yet it always feels like I don’t have enough. I want to believe I’ll wait for as long as it takes, as long as Aggi needs, but even forever seems so short. A year ago I lost my brother, Kate, Aggi. But it feels like they left me yesterday, an hour ago, a minute . . .
Henry calls out to Umé, and the two meet on the sidewalk, probably planning another fruitless reunion. I shuffle toward Henry’s truck, glancing back at Aggi ten thousand times. She looks at me once, but it’s that single stare that heats me from the inside out.
Since We Last Spoke Page 12
