by Ilana Haley
© Copyright © 2019 Ilana Haley
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopy, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission from the publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a review.
Cover and Interior Design by BookBaby
ISBN (Print) 978-1-54398-404-0 (eBook) 978-1-54398-405-7
Contents
Forward by John Brusseau
Flight
In The Kibbutz
Words fail me. Love.
Eric
Childhood Friends
Vienna
Stay a While
Stars
Muse
Piter’s Restaurant
Letters
Apple. Face Lift
Desert
Marta
Micha
Aliya
In The Army
Gabriela
Forward by John Brusseau
What is it that takes a woman eighty plus years to understand, to unravel, to sort out? How is it that she can live an entire life and still need to review the patterns that replayed over and over, patterns begun in childhood and morphed into the long series of relationships that followed her all through adulthood?
These clippings now, at the closing years of life, pulled from the envelope of Ilana Haley’s memory, are played like cards from a most winsome deck. They tell both Ilana and us the answer to these questions dipped in sorrow and wonder. They speak to us the riddle of un-faced early childhood conflicts and early childhood dependency, by a father, on a daughter, for emotional support, early templates for every relationship that would come to Ilana’s willing and adventurous soul. These clippings from Ilana’s mental envelope reveal these mirrored templates in the stories of other members of Ilana’s early life. This is a book caught on the edge of a life’s great challenge. It has the importance, the meaningfulness, of a story spun from the autonomous unconscious mind of a person for the spiritual (there really is no better word for it) purpose of aiding Ilana in making sense of the precious, the anguished, the sweet, the fulfilled, the unrequited, even the trauma-filled moments of her life. And as we read this correspondence from Ilana’s inner mentor we are given an invitation to discover the meaning of our own life.
You cannot possibly read this book without simultaneously reviewing your life’s meaning and purpose, and that is what a book such as this one is for. It is a spiritual trigger, provoking you to seek out the meaning of life, of your life and its moments stored in the envelope of your own memory. Don’t be surprised when this happens, and remind yourself along the way to pour yourself into this self-reflective adventure. Engage this process with gusto. After all, you have your own inner Ilana Haley to satisfy.
Chapter 1
Flight
Panic took hold of me on the airplane. On my right, Helen held my hand, as she kept moving her gentle, white fingers over my forehead, insisting: Calm down, girl. Take it easy! For a moment it was not so bad, passing like a dream through a mist of dull pain: her fingertips with their fluttering pulse. After a while, I lay down between the seats on the floor of the plane. It was hard, cold and harrowing … I returned to my seat, my heart was still booming like the jet engines; and again Pearl urged, as she gently massaged my temples with her cool fingers, which dripped with gold and diamonds: Calm down, take it easy girl;. for a moment I sank deeply within myself...
Teddy was not at home when I arrived. I was so exhausted from the flight, returning to Boston, that all I could do was to drop everything and collapse on the bed fully clothed. I didn’t even hear
Teddy when he came home, although I did imagine that I felt as if a butterfly’s wings are touching my cheek. I was dreaming of you, Ora, my beloved friend. I dreamt I woke up in my small room in Boston to find you, winking down at me from your paintings on the walls, enveloping me in your aura. The clown painting on the wall looks at me with curious eyes. What’s wrong, he asks. I do not know what to say. With tortured eyes, suddenly he seems old, tired. A girl is gazing into the distance – her eyes full of blue longing; a dove hovers above her airy fingers. Three women, one faceless, are looking at me in surprise – Well? I don’t know, I answer, turning away in shame. Faceless laughs placidly: You know, she whispers. The two lovers are still longingly entwined. An invisible hand offers flowers to a beautiful woman. She looks at them with a hard, slightly cold eye. Only the mask remains unmoved…At this point I woke up. I looked at my watch: only 3:30 in the morning. What is there to say at three o’clock in the morning? I look through the window. I cannot see the sun yet and my Teddy is still fast asleep; each white hair of his beard vibrates in my heart. If I could I would wrap him in a halo and grant him eternal life. (That would be a curse!)
And I am conveying to you, my friend, all the chatter my brain contains. You are my soul mate, the woman I love most, because it is my destiny and I cannot change things set in another time, in our previous lives, when we didn’t yet know we’d have one soul in two separate bodies. Not the soul of identical twins, but of two strange and different worlds that meet and part and yet remain intertwined, even if harmony is not what it used to be. Do not dare laugh at what I wrote here, even if you do not know about the two worlds. And so, my Ora, listen to me, read the words I have gathered for you…These are the precious memories of a life we once lived out together in the bloom of our days. I have kept them in the envelop of my heart and have taken them out to share them now with you, my friend, my soul’s echo.
I told you it is a crazy sun; Lemon trees consumed burning paths on their way. I am pulled to the center of light in you. In the vortex of consciousness you are a glowing gallop. In the abyss of my youth you are an orchid of the sun.
Chapter 2
In The Kibbutz
Early morning in Boston. Soon Teddy will get up, acknowledge me and say, as usual: My one and only love. But I am not here yet; I am still at my mother’s home. In my mind’s eye, I see my mother all alone, waking from a night of torment, with aching heart and a brittle soul. I am not there to smile at her, or soothe her. Her image in my mind changes suddenly. I see her lips pursed with the injuries of time. I remember greedily eating the hard-boiled eggs and cheese she prepared with her hands full of love and sorrow; hands covered with brown spots painted by a merciless, malignant sun and relentless, shaming age.
Time drains away, says mother, as her lips tighten even more; every line in her face is as deep as a grave. And I did not even visit my father’s grave; the Rocky Hill exists only in my stories.
So rest quietly father; rest in peace. There is nothing left. Only… the anemones bloom, as a perennial breeze plays in the tops of the cypress trees. The scent of lilacs caresses the senses and birds fill the universe with their song, as if nothing has changed since creation.
And in the kibbutz? How are things in the kibbutz? In the kibbutz doors are closed like tight mouths, as a paucity of pioneers creep by, their heads bent, eyes half closed, seeking, asking: Where did creation go? What happened to happiness? Where did the colors go? Where are the children? The silence of Genesis floats around them, embraces, penetrates, and their flesh crawls. Out of the silence a voice: Yes; things are changing.
And my brother? I see him too. I hear his voice like a hollow echo, saying what he always used to say when he saw me:, my beautiful sister.
He too wakes, knowing I am not there to caress his forehead with my hand, a hand that has known distant lands, that loving
ly drives away the weariness in his head that has turned gray, like a dusty Eucalyptus tree after a heat wave. I think about him, my brother. I speak to him in my head: Do not allow pain to crush you; yours is a magical soul, a pure soul – you do not always understand. Who does? Life changes, drained of light. Children disappoint and parents die. There is a deep, scorching sorrow in one’s heart. Sometimes sorrow wins, sometimes joy; don’t let pain crush your soul. Fight to the end! And as I thought of him, a shock of pain filled my whole body. So I sat on the toilet, buried my face in my hands and sobbed without tears…
It is quiet in the room. I think again of my mother, remembering her sitting on a chair. I moved across the room, touched the soft skin of her arm and put my face down into her lap. She patted me on the head, a quick nervous pat, not quite an embrace. A cold woman, I remember thinking, a confused face, ambitious and cold, with nothing to give us children, but cold gifts… I remember thinking, later in my life: If I return home I will be like this, an old red- haired woman without feelings, with nothing to give but making mischief, to dance and disappear, dance and disappear. Wild girl, she used to call me; when will you stop all this nonsense and be like the other children? Look at your father, sitting there, smoking and reading, smoking and reading; never has a good word to say. I remember him looking at her and saying in Yiddish, (they all spoke Yiddish and were sure we didn’t understand, and although we never used that language, we did.) in a soft controlled voice,
Leave her alone, Stella. Don’t you see? She wants your love. Give her some. Calm down now; try to understand her. Yes, she is different, but so are you. Who else here works outside, in the city and only returns on weekends to be with the family? I tell you, she misses you, and she longs for you.
Is this how mothers are? You aren’t in Vienna now…
I remember her saying to him: What do you know about children, David? What do you know of my needs? I was convinced that when I came to this country it would all be wonderful, but it was not. Living this communal life is not my style. Everyone gossips about each other constantly. I loved you and married you, but I would not sacrifice my life to the commune. You probably forgot how disappointed you were when
Lani, as you call her, was born. You, wanted a son, and you were the only husband who did not bring flowers when his child was born. How do you think I felt – I was insulted to the core of my being. Go back to your books…. she paused then said, and, anyway you will die soon from all these rotten cigarettes…
I ran out of my parents house as fast as I could, all the way to the almond orchard, buried my face in the calming fragrance of their flowers and tried hard to think about something beautiful or funny, but all I could do was cry. I knew what would happen next between my parents. I did not wish to hear the word Nazi again. Ever…
At this point, I blocked my family out of my mind and with three, fast, crazy pirouettes. I jumped towards the kitchen, caught my foot on the slippery rug, fell, injured my knee, cursed, picked myself off the floor and went, limping a little, to the kitchen to make coffee.
Chapter 3
Words fail me. Love.
I open the door; the sun is still in its cradle, but the light is soft, new, blue– a little gray, as if warning me that I am in a foreign country and shouldn’t become confused or neglectful; I should learn to open myself to the endless possibilities even if they are dim, translucent, dense like paper shadows: diaphanous and foggy, yet always misleading, fooling, teasing; my eyes are blind to them, dazzled by them. I drink the bitter coffee and return to bed. My Teddy walks into the room and kisses my lips. My love, he whispers longingly, exuding a scent of sleep.
We make love, then, with a wild and passionate strangeness. Later I lie beside him, trying to shut my ears to the news of a crumbling world. I never could understand why Teddy insists on starting his day with the polystyrene sound of a sophisticated device from which voices speak terrifying words: Tonight, three children were murdered…the police…
Why not wake to the sounds of music on a new day, even if it isn’t all that bright? Grey clouds cover the sky. It will probably rain today. Rain purifies life, or so say the wise.
For the time being, words fail me. Words that once flowed of their own accord onto a page, from a hand no longer as young or beautiful as it used to be, now with its drying skin, and blue veins – I shouldn’t exaggerate, even if my mind is still in the grip of nauseating jet lag and sounds come from familiar worlds where things are inevitably different.
Another threatening night; waking up in boiling sheets that smell of metal, yearning for cool hands to caress my forehead, to soothe, to calm the devastation the night inflicted on me – I am full of holes. I rise and go into the living room where all is clean and tidy. The statues stand in place like soldiers, dreaming in the dark morning light. Birds fly out of your pictures on the walls, pecking and shrieking over a bloodbath. What do they want? What do they mean? Why a bloodbath? It is too early to come to conclusions about such serious matters, Twenty to five in the morning: not exactly the hour for a debate. What are people dreaming about now, I wonder curiously? Probably, transparent monsters of darkness are leaping at them from every corner... Oh, and I had forgotten it was Chanukah that week. I dreamt about angels, each with one white and one blue wing. Angels who kissed me and smiled forgivingly – for you are in America, away from our homeland – and I apologized. I had forgotten today was Chanukah. In another dream I wept for the distant love of a strange little girl who lived in her imagination, of a love buried beneath a green tree on a hill shaded by pines and cypress trees, where a wonderful man had chosen to sleep. Forgive me father, I didn’t remember that today is Chanukah. In the dream I caressed my lover Eric’s beautiful face and touched his gray eyes with my lips as they stared at me with the memory of love and tears for no reason, from eyes that had become ancient.
Chapter 4
Eric
I mention Eric now because I wish to tell you about Eric and Teddy and me. I shall write it to you in the form of a story so my readers will read it too. Stay with me. Here goes:
For forty years my heart leapt at the sound of his voice. His name was like a summons to all my foolish blood. Now my blood is old; slow and lazy, it courses through my veins. Forty years seems eternal, and yet, when He calls and asks me to meet him, I always say yes. The force of habit clutches at my heart, or, perhaps, it is still a surge of love? But that day, (perhaps just to spite him) I didn’t say yes right away; I said that I had to ask Teddy first. Really, he asked, surprised. Why? We both knew that I didn’t have to ask Teddy. He knows all about Eric and me and, if he bears a grudge, he keeps it to himself.
My darling Teddy, so worldly and bright, most understanding and so gallant - I wish . . . you to walk by my side so I wouldn’t have to travel again this arduous way alone. That you’ll protect me so I wouldn’t have to bleed between teeth of concealed traps - even from those who pretend to be my friends. That you never throw unkind words at me: only clasp my hand. Let the warmth of your touch flow inside my heart and fill me with calm…
Eric calls again on Thursday and asks if I am free on Friday; he must see me. He says it’s urgent. I love you doll, he says, his voice sonorous and sexy. Oh, well, this I cannot ignore - what woman can? So, yes, I say, imitating Molly Bloom’s words, yes, I will, yes.
In the evening, when Teddy and I settle down for light dinner of soup and bread that Teddy made (I am a catastrophe in the kitchen; Teddy is a whiz). Tomorrow I am going to dinner with Eric, I say. Teddy’s eyebrows rise. With whom, he asks? With Eric, I bark, soup dripping from my mouth. Teddy’s lips pucker into a smile, Oh, with Eric, he nods his head, then asks, when will you be back? He pours himself another glass of wine, his fourth (I count.). Never, I say; then I slide to the floor, feigning a faint. (It is sort of an absurd game between Teddy and I when the atmosphere gets tight. As infantile as my antics are, it always makes him laugh.
Actually, I yearn for Teddy to say, even once; that’s enough, there is an end to everything; you are my wife, and a wife should be true to her husband, not run around. But when Teddy asked me to be his wife, he knew he made a package deal. So I give him a kiss and swear in my heart to avenge myself on both of them one night, when the Milky Way is empty and stunned, empty and stunned as was my heart, deserted by Eric, forty years ago, on that sun-scorched beach in Tel-Aviv to squirm and sizzle in the malignant heat:
SUN STUNNED
Sun- stunned we met, then, on the beach. He looked at me shyly, and asked, may I? I uttered Of course, and felt my heart leaping to my finger tips. He smiled, sat close, not touching, playing mindlessly with a conch. Listen to the sea, he said, pressing the conch to my ear. I heard the sea simmering inside my brain; Beware, Beware!
But that same day his body moved on mine, he cooed lustful words into my breasts. Under my naked body, sun-scorched- sand-of-noon, was shifting, twisting, in a delirious swoon. I was burning, my brain inlaid with seashell shards, the sea shuddering, whispering, seething, growling and the wind moaning mercilessly.
Then, he tore his body from mine, standing up, looking at me from somewhere far above, murmured, shyly, thanks, and walked away.
I watched his distancing back and saw waves-of-prey licking his feet, the sea swelling, frothing in a primal rage, corpses of fish floating on its waves. It roared in a terrible pain, and the wind moaned mercilessly.
When Eric calls on Friday, his voice fails to stir me and there is no spark in my soul, but I say I’ll meet him at the Ritz at seven for dinner. What else can I do? Love of forty years is impossible to smother just like that. I’ll pick you up at your home, Eric says. OK, I reply (and scream at myself; if I could I would have slapped my face, because he wins again - he always does, and yet, my heart remains cold. Cold? Then why the tingle in my toes?) And my pulse beats like an engine in my throat and then my other voice, whispers to me: You say you love me; you say you care. Why, then, do you play rough with my feelings? You expose your cruel streak, your low self esteem; it simply isn’t fair. You say you’re coming, then come, or don’t say, as it makes you a liar and it makes me your target.
